Angelino in the Outfield (Episode XXVII: The Cubs Clinch and I Heavily Insinuate That Madison Bumgarner is a Racist)

Written by :
Published on : September 23, 2016

 

The Cubs were going to celebrate at Wrigley last Friday, no matter what happened. After dominating the NL Central for the entire season, the Cubs became the first team in the Majors to clinch their division last Thursday. But it happened in pretty anticlimactic fashion, following a 5-4 loss to the Brewers and having to wait for the Cardinals to also lose in San Francisco later that night. So Miguel Montero’s 10th inning walk-off homer on Friday was just icing on the cake. Now the celebration could look organic. And they could destroy their new, state-of-the-art clubhouse with champagne, knowing they’d earned it.

 

But there were still 15 regular-season games left to play. And unlike in years past, just making it to the playoffs isn’t going to cut it this time around. This time, the Cubs have expectations.

 

You did it guys!

 

Maybe Saturday’s 11-3 loss to Milwaukee was just a bad hangover. But losing 3-of-4 to the shit-ass Brewers initially made me wonder if it’s better to rest and relax the rest of the way or to stay sharp, even at the risk of injury. If you look over at Boston, the Red Sox started September two games back of the Blue Jays in the AL East. And since then, they’ve braved the Clusterfuck Death Match, going 14-5 so far this month and 10-3 against division rivals. And now they look like THE team to beat coming out of the American League. The Red Sox took the ‘stay sharp’ route and it’s worked out pretty well for them. Not that they had any choice.

 

Joe Maddon says he still wants 100 wins and home field advantage against the rest of the National League (going 3-7 would accomplish both). But you also have to remember that this is a team whose worst stretch was going 9-15 in that grueling 24-games-in-24-days run before the All-Star break. And their best run was probably going 17-5 in April, following a lazy 11-18 Spring Training. I prefer the latter. And so does Joe. So rest up, boys. Let’s pretend it’s springtime. This goddamned curse isn’t gonna reverse itself.

 

The AL East

The Red Sox have won seven games in a row, which hardly seems fair. That 4-game sweep of the Yankees effectively murdered the Baby Bombers’ season. And it looks like they might do the same thing to the Orioles before they leave Baltimore. Hanley Ramirez is the hottest hitter in the American League. David Ortiz is the the third-hottest hitter in the league. And almost everything is clicking for them as a team right now. They’re doing so well, that seemly every bone-headed sportswriter in America wants to throw postseason awards at every player on the team. All week long I heard that Mookie Betts was the front runner for the MVP and that Rick Porcello was leading the pack for the the AL Cy Young. At least that means they’re shutting the fuck up about Zach Britton winning the Cy for the time being, but still. How MVP-y and Cy Young-ish are Betts and Porcello right now? First, let’s look at the MVP race’s most-probables.

 

AL MVP           WAR    wOBA
Mike Trout              8.7    .418
Josh Donaldson     6.9    .402
Jose Altuve            6.5    .392
Mookie Betts          7.3    .379

 

Since the award is for the entire year, I’m giving you their stats for the entire year. And based off of those stats, alone, you can clearly see that Trout has had the best season. But Mike Trout happens to play for the Los Angeles Angels, who are tied for last place in the AL West. And that hurts everyone’s brains because they don’t understand how baseball works.

 

 Sorry, but it should be Trout.

 

You: But how can Trout be the best player if his team stinks?

 

Me: A) I’m showing you actual concrete stats that should already answer that, but B) It’s not Mike Trout’s fault the Angels are bad. They’d be much, much worse without him in the lineup. Just like any team would be better with him. But there are 8 other guys on the field with him at all times, 8 other guys in the batting order and 24 other guys were on the roster the whole year. There’s plenty of opportunities for everyone else on the Angels (not named ‘Mike Trout’) to suck.

 

If you look at the Red Sox, Jackie Bradley Jr. and Dustin Pedoria are also top 10 overall players in the league this season. David Ortiz has also been the best hitter in the league. Hanley has been top 15 in hitting. Xander Bogaerts has had a good season too. On the other hand, the Angels’ next best player after Trout is Kole Calhoun. That’s not Ruth-Gehrig as much as it is Ruth-Kole Calhoun. And since I also know that you’re about to argue that Rick Porcello should be the Cy Young winner, it makes even less sense that Betts would be more valuable to his team than the three gentlemen actually having better seasons.

 

You: But Trout is playing meaningless games. Mookie Betts is in a pennant race and his games mean more.

 

Me: Mike Trout does this in pennant races too. Because this is what Mike Trout does every single year. And are the Mariners, Rangers and Blue Jays still in contention? Because that’s who the Angels have played in 16 of their 19 games in September. Trout’s hitting .310/.446/.500 in the month. Betts is hitting .289/.337/.382. Thank you for sharing. Now go put your head down.

 

AL Cy Young     WAR  FIP    ERA
Corey Kluber            5.2    3.19    3.11
Rick Porcello            4.7    3.44    3.08
Masahiro Tanaka      4.7    3.50    3.07
Chris Sale                 5.2    3.38    3.23

 

The Porcello argument looks a lot more legit than the Betts one. But it just bothers me that people are looking at Porcello’s 21-4 record as some sort of a tie-breaker against Kluber’s 18-9. But I can clearly look at those numbers I actually care about and say, with zero controversy, that Kluber has had a better season than Chris Sale. I cannot do the same as easily for Porcello.

 

 It should probably be Kluber too.

 

Roger Clemens won the MVP and Cy Young for the Red Sox in 1986. Carl Yastrzemski and Jim Lonborg both took home the hardware in 1967. And Betts and Porcello may repeat the feat this year. Even though they shouldn’t. Also, Wade Boggs should have won the MVP in ’86. And Dean Chance should have won the CY in ’67. Wait. That Boggs line defeats my purpose, doesn’t it? Anyway, right now I’d give it to Trout and Kluber.

 

The AL Central

With a broken right hand for Carlos Carrasco and a flexor strain for Danny Salazar, the Cleveland Indians went from being dubbed, “This Year’s Mets” to actually resembling this year’s Mets (so maybe we could call them, “This Year’s This Year’s Mets”?). Salazar could come out of the bullpen for Cleveland in October, but their own beat writers think this thing won’t go past the ALDS.

 

There’s still time for a few more disappointments.

 

I keep looking at the Wild Card standings and see the Tigers a game back of Toronto for the second spot. But every time I believe in the Tigers, they let me down. Maybe it’s lucky for Detroit that the Jays have only taken one series in September and all of their remaining games are against the Yankees, Orioles and Red Sox. The Tigers actually beat the Indians on Sunday (2-13, baby!) so maybe they can make something of their four remaining games against the Tribe with three of them NOT facing Kluber.

 

The AL West

The Rangers are going to clinch the division any day now. And they’re hitting, so who needs pitching, right? Right? Cole Hamels has a 9.88 in September. Yu Darvish hasn’t been much better (7.47). And actually, Martin Perez is their only starting pitcher with an ERA under 5 this month. Yuck.

 

The NL Wild Card

Jacob deGrom is done for the season. So that ‘easy’ Mets schedule going forward (7 against the Phillies, 3 against the Marlins) is a little deceiving. Especially since they’ve cooled off (swept by the Braves?) and Ender Inciarte is robbing their walk-offs. At this point in the season, the Mets’ rotation was supposed to be Syndergaard-deGrom-Harvey-Matz-Wheeler with Big Sexy coming out of the pen. Now Thor is the only one left standing, with everyone waiting on pins and needles to see if Steven Matz actually starts on Friday.

 

 It’s on you, Thor.

 

The Cardinals’ remaining games are with the Cubs, the Reds and the Pirates (who are back above .500). And those Reds and Pirates games are in St. Louis, where the Cardinals hate winning.

 

The fun part about the third team in the equation, the Giants, is that they have no reason to be optimistic either. Their bullpen still sucks. Johnny Cueto and Brandon Crawford just got hurt. They finish their season with three against the Dodgers (Kershaw-Hill-Maeda). And by that time, Madison Bumgarner could be in jail in San Diego because some Latino made eye contact with him while he was grouchy.

 

Yeah, I went there. I know MadBum and Yasiel Puig have a bit of a history. But this ‘Protector of the Game’ shit has gotten really old. Madison Bumgarner is a hillbilly from Hickory, North Carolina. He has a history of losing his derpy redneck cool whenever a black or brown player does, well, anything. And I’m pretty sure there’s a basket of deplorables he can go climb in to after the Giants’ epic collapse is complete. Stop looking at me, swan!

 


Okay. That’s gonna do it for this week. If you need more baseball from me, check out “Comedians Talking Sports” with Joe Kilgallon on iTunes. The Cubs’ Magic Number for home field is 3.

 

 


Great Expectations: A Spring Training Preview

Written by :
Published on : February 23, 2016

 

Oh no. This is a really weird feeling for a Cubs fan to have. For the first time that I can ever remember, the Lovable Losers on the North Side of Chicago seem to be both the unanimous pick to win their division and also a trendy choice for the 2016 World Series. And on paper it even makes sense. Last year, they proved that their young squad was ahead of their projected timeline, won 97 games and then went deep into the playoffs until they ran into a freakishly overachieving Daniel Murphy and a young Mets pitching staff that seems to remind everyone of the nineties Atlanta Braves. And then they went out in the offseason and got the best healthy pitcher and the best position player from their hated Cardinal rivals, and also added a guy who led the majors in WAR in 2009. Oh, and the rest of their seemingly-all-rookie lineup from last year is back and probably better than ever and still way too young and dumb to comprehend how a jaded, cynical asshole like me can still hesitate to be bullish on the prospects of a Thousand Year Cubs Dynasty.

 

This has to be too good to be true, right? There’s too much pressure. The Cubs never follow up a good season with another good season. Look at 1985, 1990 and every other year since The Year That Shall Not Be Named. And Jake Arrieta has to regress. Because he just has to. And John Lackey is 137 years old. And their bullpen isn’t quite there. And Jason Heyward isn’t a natural center fielder. And because they’re the fucking Cubs. Right? Like, why should I get my hopes up just to have them crushed again and again like I have my whole life? Why? Well… Because of Theo Epstein. And because of Joe Maddon. And because of that offense. Oh, that offense. And Kris Bryant. And Addison Russell. And Kyle Schwarber. And Anthony Rizzo. And the fact that Heyward is actually younger than Anthony Rizzo. And the fact that Heyward could win a Gold Glove in center. And because Arrieta may have pitched an assload of innings last year, but he famously stays in excellent shape. And because of how great of a story it would be if they actually did do it. And because, on paper, the Cubs just so happen to have the best team in baseball by a decent margin. Oh no, indeed.

 

 

The Rest of the NL Central

The Cubs may have kicked their ass and stolen their girlfriend, but the Cardinals are still the Cardinals. You just kind of assume they’ll be playing in October, no matter what. But even with Adam Wainwright back, the mystique feels like it’s gone, with a bad offseason and Yadier Molina needing to grow another thumb. Maybe their insane luck will finally run out. I also thought that about the Alabama football team back in September. Not that I should talk about football in the same breath I talk about St. Louis. Anyway… Then there’s the Pittsburgh Pirates. It’s not like they sucked last year either. But nobody likes to talk about them because they’ll probably just get to the Wild Card and lose again, if they do anything at all. And the only fun thing about that is if Sean Rodriguez goes HAM on another water cooler. This division will inevitably be drowned out by the tidal wave of Cubs expectations. And the Reds and Brewers have probably already
drowned in it.

 

The NL East

According to EVERYONE, the Mets have the greatest pitching staff of all time, ever. And, yes, it’s horrifying. Matt Harvey is another year removed from Tommy John surgery. Jacob deGrom is a floppy-haired pitching monster. Noah Syndergaard actually is Thor. Big fat Bartolo Colon doesn’t age. Steven Matz would be a #1 starter on every other non-Mets team. And Zack Wheeler will be back in July to seal the already-done deal. Plus, all of them except Colon are 19 years old or something. The only problem is that nobody knows what type of hangover these guys will have from all those innings they ate up against Kansas City in the World Series. Or if they’ll even stay healthy. But if they do all bounce back, holy shit. Plus, they re-signed Yoenis Cespedes, which all makes for an excellent case for them to go back to the World Series. No matter how much I hate that.

 

 

Overall this division is horrible. But Bryce Harper and the dysfunctional Nationals should contend. Even though Dusty Baker is their new manager. And nobody knows what to make of the Miami Marlins quite yet. Don Mattingly is their new manager. Barry Bonds is their new hitting coach. Giancarlo Stanton will be healthy. So will Jose Fernandez. But we’ll have to see what all that means, if anything. Or if those guys can even stay healthy in the first place. And anyone looking to make a bold prediction on the division a la the 2015 Cubs and Astros might want to keep their eye on the Atlanta Braves, who are building a monster farm team, even though they’ll most likely be just slightly less shitty than the Phillies in 2016.

 

The NL West

I hate to say it, but 2016 is an even year. So we can probably throw all the analytics out the window and just hand the San Francisco Giants their fourth world title seven years. Their pitching staff picked up two possibly-great/possibly-hugely-disappointing acquisitions in Johnny Cueto and Jeff Samardzija. And that could give them an edge in what everybody seems to think will be a three team race with the Dodgers and the Diamondbacks.

 

The Dodgers lost Zack Greinke. To the Diamondbacks. They also have a rookie manager in Dave Roberts. In a market that wore out Mattingly and sent him to Miami. They also didn’t do anything with their gigantic payroll in the offseason. And any time you need to rely on Yasiel Puig for anything other than drama, it’s a pretty scary predicament. But this is a deep team with a crazy-good farm system. And they’ll probably be in enough contention by the time the trade deadline rolls around to throw money at whatever problems they have (that don’t involve lack of team chemistry). Plus they still have Clayton Kershaw. At the end of the day, as a resident Angelino, I just want to see Vin Scully go out in style. And if that means the Dodgers have to be good for that to happen, I can accept that.

 

 

Yes, Arizona got Greinke. And Shelby Miller. And they still have unrecognizable superstar, Paul Goldschmidt and equally unrecognizable AJ Pollock. But their projections aren’t too high as of now because of a lack of offensive depth (sup, Yasmany Tomas?). And it seems more likely they could be this year’s Padres and/or White Sox. As for the 2016 Padres and Rockies, I’m not wasting my time. It is an even year, after all.

 

The AL East

Every team in the division not named the Baltimore Orioles seem to have a chance this year. But the overall consensus comes down to the rebounding Boston Red Sox and the reigning division champion Toronto Blue Jays. Personally, I don’t know how acquiring David Price and Craig Kimbrel turns a 78-win last place team into a division favorite, but that’s just how the east coast media bias works. But it will be fun to see how fat Pablo Sandoval is. And if Hanley Ramirez can play first base. And it’s also the swan song for Big Papi. Plus, David Price is actually really fucking good. So I don’t know.

 

 

The Blue Jays have the best offense in baseball. And reigning MVP, Josh Donaldson. And their offense might be even better than last year since Troy Tulowitzki never got comfortable in Toronto in 2015. They’ll just have to stay healthy. And hope somebody on their team can pitch. As for the Yankees, they’re really old. And look how that worked out for them last season. Plus, you never know about that staff. And as good as their bullpen looks right now, we still don’t know what’s going to happen with Aroldis Chapman’s domestic abuse suspension. And the Rays have Chris Archer and the rest of their great starting five, but they’ll basically need everybody else on the lineup to be awesome to compete. Oh, and also the Orioles are in this division too, I guess.

 

The AL Central

The Royals won the World Series last year, no big deal. And they were one Madison Bumgarner away from being back-to-back World Series champions. Yet for some reason, Baseball Prospectus has them projected to be in last place in the Central in 2016. What gives? Maybe you can’t project things like ‘putting the ball in play and its positive consequences’ or ‘playing with a chip on their shoulder’, but whatever they did the past two seasons worked, so I don’t know why it wouldn’t work again. They have the defense. They have the bullpen. It’s just so hard to make a good enough argument for or against a team with relatively zero stars, that’s this mediocre on paper, going to three straight Fall Classics.

 

 

The hot pick in the AL Central continues to be the Cleveland Indians because of an extremely good pitching staff. Add Francisco Lindor’s defense behind them and they could be a powerhouse. Or Michael Brantley could be hurt and their offense could struggle and they won’t have the money to make acquisitions at the trade deadline to compete. And while I have a soft spot for the Detroit Tigers, they’re also getting a little long in the tooth. They got Justin Upton to aid a pretty good, but aging offense. And they picked up Jordan Zimmermann and K-Rod to help out a healthy, but aging Justin Verlander-led group of arms. Health is the key here. And if they have it, they might compete. The White Sox might also compete, even though nobody outside of Bridgeport is talking about them. They got Todd Frazier. They have Chris Sale, Jose Quintana and a full season from Carlos Rodon. It’s just that everybody is distracted by the heat of a thousand suns ™ on the North Side. And the Twins have Miguel Sano, who is going to hit 40 dongs this year. Even though they were so terrible last year, that even when they were in first place for a while nobody bought it. If that makes any sense. Not that it should. Why would anything in this division make sense? I mean, Royals went to the World Series the past two years.

 

The AL West

Even though the Astros are the unanimous choice to win the division, everybody would rather talk about the Texas Rangers. Their 2015 playoff run was nothing short of a miracle. And now they’ll have full seasons from Cole Hamels and a healthy Yu Darvish. It’s just that nobody really expected the Astros to be where they were last season either. And now nobody expects them to regress. And the former hot choices in the division seem like yesterday’s newspaper. Mike Trout has no talent around him in Anaheim. Nobody wants to get fooled by the Mariners ever again. And the A’s need too much to get anything done.

 

 

So there you have it. Now you’re ready for the baseball season. And now you know why your team probably sucks and why you should switch allegiances to the Chicago Cubs. Or at least that’s how everything looks right now. Spring training, when nothing counts. And before the actual season comes with all its shitty reality to break hearts, launch new stars into the stratosphere and ruin every expectation, rendering long-winded predictions like the one I just spent way too long typing on a nice afternoon completely worthless. But hey, that’s baseball.

 

What else were we gonna talk about, Donald Trump?

 

 

 


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