Battle of the Network Stars

Written by :
Published on : July 2, 2017

 

Welcome to the new Battle of the Network Stars. For those who don’t know, this is a revival of the vintage series from ABC Sports dating back 1976. The show ran until 1988 and normally had two episodes a year. It was hosted by the great Howard Cosell and featured a three way battle from the stars of ABC, NBC and CBS. This was the original Dancing with the Stars.

 

And because TV won’t let anything die, this sports reality vehicle is back! This time with special guest coach and NFL great, DeMarcus Ware. Plus former UFC champ, Ronda Rousey. With Mike Green and Joe Tessitore doing the commentary. This version of the show has dropped the network teams and instead grouped the contestants by the types of roles they have played. Crews like: TV cops, TV lawyers, TV politicians, TV doctors, primetime soap stars, TV mom and dads, TV kids, and etc. Each airing of the 10 episode run will pit two crews against each other in a gauntlet of events. There are even some folks who are returning for their second round of Battle of the Network Stars. Talk about a throwback.

 

AJ MICHALKA, TRACEY GOLD, DAVE COULIER, BRONSON PINCHOT, DEMARCUS WARE, TOM ARNOLD
                                                                               Team TV Sitcoms

 

The events are just like back in the day. We still get to enjoy track, swimming, kayaking, basketball, soccer, tennis, the famous dunk tank, archery, golf, obstacle course and the the tug of war. It’s like some crazy decathlon for non-athletes. Half the fun is seeing who fails what. But then an endearing thing happens, you see one of the stars overcome in a situation you thought they had no chance in. It’s totally uplifting. And it gives you a little hope that maybe, just maybe, we can all find some inner strength someday.

 

I’m most looking forward to seeing team sci-fi which is Lou Ferrigno, Vinnie Jones, Charisma Carpenter, Kevin Sorbo and Jill Wagner. Team TV lifeguards also looks intriguing. The roster includes David Chokachi, Brande Roderick, Parker Stevenson, Nicole Eggert and Gena Lee Nolin. Rescue me. ABC is all in on this the retro game show thing. Beyond Battle, they also brought back The Gong Show while still enjoying Family FeudJeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. That’s a lot of old shit for one network. I’ve got a new idea for you ABC, how about show where celebs do my laundry. It could be called White Wash.

 

CORBIN BLEU, JOEY LAWRENCE, NOLAN GOULD, LISA WHELCHEL, KIM FIELDS, RONDA ROUSEY

 

Let’s all just be happy that there are finally some sports to watch. The dark days are over. Battle of the Network Stars is on Thursdays this summer on ABC.

 

TV time.

 

 


Ryan Lochte Sucks

Written by :
Published on : August 22, 2016

 

So far, this is the strangest story out of the Rio 2016 Olympics. American swimmer, Ryan Lochte, is at the center of a public relations tidal wave. It all started when Lochte and teammates Jimmy Feigen, Gunnar Bentz and Jack Conger went out for a night in Rio. After that, the facts get hazy. But one thing is clear, Ryan Lochte sucks and his actions are an awful distraction from an entertaining Olympic games. This is how it all went down.

 

The first reports stated that Lochte and crew were robbed at gun point while out on the town. Not just by anyone, but by someone saying they were the police. Lochte said badges were shown and that one of them even pointed a gun in his face before they took all their cash and valuables. Don’t worry no medals were lost. It sounded like a tragic tale where our American athletes were the obvious victims.

 

 

The police in Rio didn’t buy the story. Plus this claim is particularly offensive because Brazil has a history with crime and corruption. But something was off. A local judge had questions too, so the passports of the swimmers were seized while everything was sorted out. Turns out Lochte was lying. He picked any easy target to blame. And he got to do it on a grand scale which sucks because the story is bullshit. Lochte lied to cover his ass at the expense of Brazil’s integrity.

 

The truth of that happened that night in Rio was finally revealed when Gunnar Bentz released a statement that explained everything. Turns out, Lochte and the boys weren’t victims, they were villains of this story. After an evening of partying, the swim team stopped at a convenience store. Finding no bathroom, they went behind the building and pissed everywhere. Then Lochte vandalized the back wall by ripping a metal sign down. The wrecking crew got back into their cab and tried to leave when two security guards stopped them and forced them out of the car at gun point.

 

 

The guards demanded money for the destruction team USA caused. Lochte apparently got into a heated exchange with the guards and Conger had to calm him down. The guys paid whatever they had and were allowed to leave. They got back to the Olympic village and that’s when the the lying started. Lochte weaved his fantastic web but thankfully, it all fell apart on him and the truth shined through. Lochte later admitted he was under the influence of alcohol not that like that is a valid excuse. I’ve done some stupid shit after too many beers but I wasn’t a 32-year-old Olympian representing my country in a foreign land.

 

The swimmers paid some fines, gave a statement, then flew home. It’s a bummer that this is the last story out of Rio. But we need to let everyone know that you can’t act like Ryan Lochte. He needs to learn something about class. About not just playing but acting like a champion. That’s what the greats do.

 

Smh.

 

 


Olympic updates from Rio

Written by :
Published on : August 14, 2016

 

The 2016 Rio games are off and rolling. There is so much Olympic action that it is truly hard to keep up. Don’t fret, your buds here at ScoreBoredSports got your back. This is all the big news out of Rio de Janeiro. Things you may have missed and all the top stories. Here is what has happened so far.

 

Host Brazil

Opening ceremony was cool. Weird, but cool. Like if Cirque Du Soleil did a show about Paula Abdul. I mean there was lots of dancing. Then there was the parade introducing each country. The star of the show was the flag bearer from Tonga. So shiny and shirtless. Also, things have gone pretty smoothly in Brazil.. There was tons of chatter that Rio wasn’t ready but so far, so good (beyond the green water in the pool). And Zika seems to be more of a bad punchline than a real issue. In terms of medals, the host country only has a few. One gold and two bronzes in judo, plus a silver in shooting.

 

Tonga-Flag-Bearer

 

Team USA

– Swimmer Michael Phelps wins gold medal number 23. That’s 28 total medals in his career. Making him the most decorated American Olympian ever.

 

– 19 year old, Katie Ledecky continues her dominance in the pool. Racking up four gold medals (200m Free, 400m Free, 800m Free and 4x200m relay) in Rio. While scattering a few world records. She is the future of swimming.

 

– Making history was Ibtihaj Muhammad. She claimed bronze in fencing for team USA but she made history as the first American athlete to compete wearing a hijab. An overall awesome story.

 

– Simone Manuel is the first African-American to win an individual swimming medal. She took gold in super dramatic fashion. Hats off to that.

 

 

– The US women’s gymnastics straight up owns. Winning gold in the team event, plus Simone Biles and Aly Raisman took gold and silver in the overall. Look for the Americans to sweep the individual events as well.

 

– Men’s Basketball avoids the upset against Australia on the shooting of Carmelo Anthony. Then barely sneaks away from Serbia. I can’t tell if they are headed for ruin or if this rough patch is what they need to galvanize the team.

 

Rest of the World

– In women’s soccer, Sweden knocks out favorite, USA, in penalty kicks. For the reigning World Cup champs, this is the first time they have ever missed the final round. The door is now open for Sweden to run the table and capture the top prize.

 

– China is second in the overall medal count with multiple golds in weightlifting, diving, and table tennis. Plus, single golds in swimming, track and field, shooting and cycling (track).

 

 

– We have seen Great Britain excel in rowing and cycling (track) but not much else. Step it up or the queen will have your head.

 

– Japan is doing well. They have taken top hardware in judo, swimming and gymnastics. Don’t sleep on the island.

 

– Russia naturally has multiple golds in judo and fencing. Because everyone thinks of Russia when it comes to judo and fencing. En garde comrade.

 

– A big surprise for me was South Korea and their dominance in archery. Of their six golds, four are in the sport. Bullseye.

 

 

– USA made a lot of swimming headlines but let’s take a second to recognize Hungary. The nation has seven medals in swimming so far and three of their seven are gold. Very nice. Way to make a splash.

 

Current medal count HERE.

 

There is plenty I left out. But the games have been great so far. Watch some. Even if it’s not your sport, check it out. You may just fall in love with the energy and effort. Or keep being lazy and check back here and I’ll tell you what happened. Plus jokes. Your choice.

 

Champions.

 

 


Your Sporting Summer Checklist

Written by :
Published on : July 25, 2016

 

 

 

As July melts into August, we can sense that summer is burning out. Kids and adults alike are dreading the return of the regular routine. Don’t despair, it’s not too late to save your vacation. All you need to do is get out of the house and get moving. Below is a bucket list of sports activities that should be enjoyed while you still can. Get out the sunscreen and your favorite tank-top because here is Your Sporting Summer Checklist.

 

1. Go see a baseball game

I know the MLB season is most of the calendar year but there is nothing like a summertime trip to the ballpark. One beer and a hotdog, please and thank you. I prefer the later start games that bleed into night. Often there are fireworks and the cooler evening air just makes everything perfect. Bring your glove, because you might just catch a souvenir. Another beer and hotdog, please.

 

2. Something on the water

kayaking-1

 

Could be boating, tubing, kayaking, swimming, or even living that canoe life but do something on a natural body of water. I’m talking oceans, lakes, rivers, ponds, hot springs, whatever you got. Splashing in the pool is fun but a man-made watering hole is not the same as enjoying the outdoors of this majestic planet.

 

3. Hike/walk

Plan a fun route and make a day of it. Or at least a few hours. Bring water, your fully charged cell phones and maybe even a little snack. Going on a real-deal hike? Then up the gear. Med kit, map, ways to signal for help when phones won’t do the trick, more water, sun screen, etc. Dress appropriately. Hat and or sunglasses, multiple layers depending on conditions, and good footwear. No brand new hiking boots. These will hurt. You need to break them in first. No shitty old sneakers either. They offer no ankle support and often have little grip left on the bottoms. New to the game? Start small and easy. No one wants to get stuck on the endless hike to nowhere.

 

4. Bikes

Oil that chain up and go for a ride. It may look dumb but wear the helmet. Your brain will thank you later. Being on a bike transports you back in time to when you were a kid. Even your old ten-speed will zap you into nostalgia. There is just something about the freedom you feel on a bike that cannot be mirrored by anything else.

 

5. Camping

camping

 

Within two hours driving from anywhere, there is a camp ground in the United States. Load up the car with essentials and hit the open road. If you plan accordingly, you can do most of the items on this list in one excursion. It will be an epic trip but you deserve an epic trip. Camping is excellent because you can’t help but feel connected to the earth. Don’t forget the bug spray, and a hatchet always seems to come in handy.

 

6. Try something new

Whatever is new to you. Go surfing, learn tennis, rock climb, paintball, something. Challenge yourself to explore different activities. If you need, rope your friends or family into it. You may not fall in love with the experience but there is no doubt you will be better off having tried it.

 

7. Be safe

There is a wealth of info on anything you want to pursue. Do a little research, be prepared. Have the stuff you need to safely have your summer fun. Nothing ruins a good time like a trip to the E.R. Be smart, plan ahead and don’t half-ass the the important stuff.

 

I promise that if you do each item on this list then you will have a great summer. Then when someone asks what you did over vacation, your only problem will be which adventures to share first.

 

Sunshine.

 

 


Help! I Can’t Swim

Written by :
Published on : November 10, 2015

 

 

I didn’t learn to swim until I was 11. I was kind of embarrassed about it for a while. I’d go to pool parties and see kids doing flips and jackknifes off the diving board as I sat with my feet in the water on the shallow end, being the “judge” of the diving contest. “Too much splash, 6 out of 10.”

 

It’s not like I didn’t have the access. I grew up Michigan where we have lakes like woah. And many of my suburban buds had pools. Above ground mostly. But pools nonetheless. I can’t really tell you why it took me so long to learn. I remember my parents trying to teach me. I’m sure I was just being a dick and didn’t pay attention to that life-saving lesson on how to doggie-paddle. You know, that thing that all dogs can do naturally.

 

Doggie-Paddle
                                                                Doggie-paddle?

 

Once at summer camp, all the kids in my age group did a swim test. We lined up and then one at a time, were supposed to swim across the pool. As my turn approached, I started to freak out. I asked the kid ahead of me “what are you gonna do?” He calmly said “backstroke.” Jesus! He is so good at swimming that he is gonna go backwards? Kill me now.

 

The kid ahead of me jumped in and did his thing. The lifeguard assigned each kid a “fish” ranking based on how good they were. “Shark” yelled the lifeguard to my backstroke friend. I got in the water and started to flail my limbs, trying to copy what I’ve seen in movies and cartoons. I didn’t get far before I heard “Guppy.” I don’t remember anything after that. I assume everyone laughed at me, I peed my trunks and ran away crying. Either way, this situation had to change.

 

cant_swim
                                                                  This old comic sums it up perfect

 

I asked my mom to sign me up for swim classes. It was summer, so I rode my BMX to the local high school where class was held. I changed, showered and walked out to the olympic-sized pool to find a cute female instructor and half a dozen little kids. Like 5 and 6 year olds. I can feel everyone looking at me. One tough 5 year old asks me “aren’t you a little old for this class?” Him and his buddies all laugh. I answer with “I’m not too old for your mom.” A good comeback, but maybe the context of the joke is lost on a 5 year old. Long story short, I learned to swim, beat up that little bully and got with his mom. I kept taking lessons until I reached Junior lifeguard.

 

Moral of the story: it is never too late to learn. I turned something I was embarrassed about into a strength. So keep trying and learning. And never take shit from a 5 year old.

 

 

 

 


Sporting Lessons from James Bond

Written by :
Published on : October 30, 2015

 

James Bond is my role model. I know that he’s a juvenile male fantasy, but so what?  Don’t give yourself a boring role model like some high school teacher or your Dad. I say keep your dreams big and live everyday like 007. (Except the “licensed to kill” part. This I cannot endorse for legal reasons.) Here’s what my hero has taught me about living the sporting life.

 

Always Be a Gentleman

In Goldfinger, 007 plays a round of golf against his nemesis, Auric Goldfinger. (See what they did there?) Despite having clashed before, Bond conducts himself like a true sportsman — competitive but respectful. When he discovers that his opponent is cheating, he doesn’t call them out; that would be impolite. Instead, he cheats the cheaters at their own game then rubs their faces in it after the match. It’s the only gentlemanly thing to do!

 

Don’t be Emotional

james-bond-ski

 

James Bond’s parents died in a mountain climbing accident when he was 11 years old. But that didn’t stop him from becoming a master of the slopes: he’s an expert on skis, a snowboard and even a bobsled. Don’t be like that other guy with dead parents (cough- Batman -cough) and let your past fuck with your future. Mountain cabins are fun, cozy and usually have hot tubs. Never turn down the opportunity to get away.

 

Stay Active

Running is a big part of being a secret agent, but don’t forget about jumping, ducking, grappling, punching, kicking, choking, swimming and even clowning (Octopussy. Don’t ask.). If you don’t want to die out there, you’d better stay active and healthy. And parkour. You never know when you might need to parkour after somebody. Think you’re going to do that with a weak core?

 

Losing is Part of the Game

james-bond-cards

 

007 knows a thing or two about gambling. He’s bet lots of taxpayer’s money on card games over the years, sometimes even raising the stakes with his own life. Mostly successful, there have been a few notable times where things didn’t quite work out. (Writer shifts uncomfortably thinking about testicle-torture scene from Casino Royale.) But no matter how bad the loss, James Bond never backs down from the next hand. As long as you’re still playing, you can still win.

 

Fucking is a sport

The way he does it, it is.

 

 

His new film, Spectre, pops on November 6th in the states. Go see it. Unless you’re going to talk or check your phone during the movie, then stay the fuck home.

 

 


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