Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon Week 17: Minnesota Defense and The Brain That Wouldn’t Die

Written by :
Published on : January 5, 2017

 

Welcome back to Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon. In this spooky sanctum I’ve poured over all the replay tape to come up with my favorite NFL play of the week. Then it’s straight back to the projector to unspool a film you may have not been aware of…

 

The lights have dimmed, the bloodlust is sated, and tarantulas crawl over virgin flesh.

 

Week 17: Minnesota Defense With Team Effort in Strip Sack For TD

 Celebrating the TD.

 

Watch Video: Here

 

Sure there’s always gonna be one or two high drama games in week 17 in terms of playoff hopes, but for the majority of squads, the die was cast back in weeks 15 and 16. The best games in the regular season’s final week are invariably those between two teams already locked out of the playoffs, playing for pride alone.

 

Minnesota has had a high caliber defense all season and this play against a hapless Matt Barkley shows us that scary pass rush in all its glory. Three different Vikings D-men get in on the action here, starting with Linval Joseph. The Defensive Tackle doesn’t so much strip the ball as he puts a hard shot on Barkley that knocks the ball loose. Anthony Barr comes in with the smart play to goose the ball down the field in the other direction when he realizes there’s no whistle, and that Charles Leno Jr. of the Bears is about to recover. Finally Everson Griffen scoops it up with the sure hands and brings it home.

 

My Lions are going to the playoffs this season, leaving the Vikings behind, but I’m not looking forward to facing that Minnesota defense again next year

 

Week 17: The Brain That Wouldn’t Die

Brain

 

Director: Joseph Green
Released: 1962

 

Operating on a level that may be the closest to the platonic ideal of what this column is about, The Brain That Wouldn’t Die serves up enough monsters, kink, and weirdness to satisfy most obsessives of obscure cinematic horror.

 

Once again, we have mad science to thank for the majority of this film’s pleasures with an ambitious Frankenstein-like doctor brilliantly, but unethically, pioneering new transplant technologies including the successful reviving of his fiancée’s severed head!

 

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“Jan in the pan” isn’t thrilled about her new predicament and begs to be taken offline for good, but Doc Cortner won’t have any of it as he prowls the streets, strip clubs, and beauty contests in search of a proper body to affix Jan’s noggin to. Meanwhile, in the laboratory basement, Jan’s tortured melon begins to communicate telepathically with a giant monster locked behind a heavy wooden door…

 

The-Brain-That-Wouldnt-Die

 

Lots of good stuff here, particularly Virginia Leith’s performance as Jan, with her husky voice and barely concealed rage expressing a Medea-worthy madness. The sex angle is pure sleaze and gets a pulp slant when the bad doctor introduces a two-faced burn-victim and former beauty queen into the scenario as Jan’s body-to-be.

 

The monster is no joke either with a seriously ugly makeup/prosthetics design that’s of a higher quality than might be expected. His inevitable violent rampage includes an arm ripped from the socket, and a throat chewed open. The whole experience is dizzyingly unwholesome. Just what the doctor ordered.

 

brain4

 

Cop that trailer:

 

Full flick here:

 

 


Roger Pretzel’s Review ‘n Brew: Week 8

Written by :
Published on : November 4, 2015

 

 

In this little corner Roger Pretzel will review his favorite play of the week along with a thoughtful review of what beverage he was imbibing at the time.

 

 

Week 8: DeMarcus Ware Strip-Sacks Aaron Rodgers For the Safety

John Kuhn tries to recover the fumble that eventually became a safety.

 

VIDEO: HERE

 

The Broncos defense makes its second Review ‘n Brew appearance of the season with another stripped ball, this one leading to a safety.

It’s not like Aaron Rodgers never gets sacked, but it’s quite rare to see him make a mistake under pressure. This time DeMarcus Ware jumps past the offensive line and gets to the QB mid-bootleg, resulting in the pigskin bouncing on the turf. Danny Trevathan makes the smart play to push the ball into the end zone, and Packers center Corey Linsley and tight end Richard Rodgers make a noble effort to get the ball back out, but ultimately Rodgers trips in the end zone surrounded by four or five Broncos D-men.

 

Week 8: All Those Gross 40’s You Used to Drink in High School/College

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Freshman year of college, I drank a lot of beer and malt liquor in forty ounce bottles. In retrospect, I can’t really figure out why, but I guess it was kind of the perfect portion for an inconsequential amount of cash. By the time sophomore year rolled around I had upgraded to better quality beer and cheap red wine sold in enormous jugs. I couldn’t imagine drinking any of these today, but here are their rankings based on my gloriously intoxicated memories.

Olde English “800” – C+
In preparing for this piece I was interested to notice the “imported” claim on the Olde E label, but as far as I can tell, it’s imported all the way from the Pabst Brewing Company. When you’re young and dumb I feel like this is the most well known malt liquor, but it actually tastes kinda nasty. It’s got that fruity sweetness that sticks in the back of your throat, making for what feels like a thick gullet film that hangs on for a while. People love this shit, but it was never for me.

Balantine XXX Ale – B
I love how this is touted as “America’s largest selling ale.” I fell hard for the Balantine when I first discovered it, but then got burned out on it quicksville. It does have the benefit of being a real-deal ale as opposed to a malt liquor, and has a very pleasant robust taste as a result. However, it also has the craziest, most intense, aftertaste you’ll ever find in a forty-ounce beverage. Basically drinking a pot of this is a battle between how delicious it starts and how gnarly it ends. Pro tip: crack one at the beginning of the night and then move onto something a little milder as the evening ends.

Colt 45 – A-
This here’s the belle of the ball. Sure it’s a malt liquor, but the flavor is pleasant and light in comparison to its colleagues. It’s cloying, it’s sweet, and lord preserve you if it gets warm, but out of all the drinks in this ballpark, its the least likely to make you gag. By the end of my forty phase this was the only one I could regularly stomach. Its mellow profile reminds me a cheap lager, and it also reminds me of linoleum floors, cruddy dorm furniture, and the couple friends I made that year that I’m still pals with to this day.

St. Ides – D+
Oh man, this one will hurt you. It’s the monster under your bed. It’s every lie you’ve ever told. When you stare into the St. Ides, the St. Ides stares back into you. It’s also barley wine strength at an 8.2% ABV so it will royally fuck you up quick without you noticing it. That’s why hobos drink it. It is a hellacious sauce that I would have given an “F” to, but I realize I would probably still drink it if it was the only thing available on a desert island. Therefore, this should be the official beverage of the 2015 Detroit Lions.

 

 


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