SBS Guide to: Losing

Written by :
Published on : January 9, 2017

 

Nobody likes losing, but it’s a part of life. Everyone wishes they could win every time but that isn’t always in the cards. We have all lost at one point or another. It’s about how you deal with defeat that defines you. Let’s take a look at some of the ways you can deal with defeat in the ScoreBoredSports Guide to Losing.

 

Lose with dignity

lose with dignity

 

This is what they teach you since you are a little kid. It’s the ultimate display in sportsmanship. After being handed a defeat, you meet your opponent on the field of battle to shake hands and tell them that they played a “good game.” There’s nothing classier than lining up across from the team you just shared the field with and wishing them well. It’s a huge part of my youth sports memories. That and the after game snacks of juice boxes and whatever else some random team mom brought. I used to get so frustrated by having to look the other team in the face and smile, despite the fact that they just wiped the floor with us. I didn’t understand it back then, but now it makes total sense. In the end it’s just a game, and we are all human. So let’s respect each other and leave it all on the field.

 

Also if you act like any of these other shitty people I’m about to talk about, then you suck.

 

Throw ’em under the bus

For those who didn’t take those early lessons in sportsmanship to heart, we have the ultimate in blame shifting. This usually involves blaming someone else on your team for your misfortune. Often times it will be your coach, or maybe your quarterback. Either way, someone is getting thrown under the bus. It’s definitely not a good look and makes you come off to the rest of the world like a spoiled brat. If you want the rest of your team to hate you then this is the way to go.

 

Take everyone down with you

 
This one is similar to throwing ’em under the bus, except it takes it to another level. In this style of losing, not only do you throw your team under the bus, but you attack the game officials, and maybe even the league. In the post game press conference you should probably point out the league wide conspiracy against your squad. This is an attempt to bring everyone down to your level of despair. It’s a coping mechanism more than anything and is a way to make everyone feel as shitty as you do. It probably won’t work but hey, what does that matter? As long as everyone knows that refs are out to get you and that the league commissioner has it out for you personally.

 

Complete loss of hope

This is perhaps the most brutal of all ways to handle losing. Not for the loser necessarily but for anyone who has to watch it happen. Nothing is sadder than someone who has completely accepted their defeat and lost all hope. Think 2008 Lions, or 2016 Browns. It’s ugly and really hard to watch. Just hope that your team is never so bad that this happens.

 

These are just a few different ways to handle a loss. Surely, there are others. So head on down to the comments section and tell us how you go about about coping with a tough loss.

 

 


Beach Volleyball: The Greatest Summer Game

Written by :
Published on : August 7, 2016

 

 

Summer is in full swing and it’s pretty damn hot out there. That makes the idea of going outside to get some physical activity seem like a sweaty, gross, headache (or heatstroke). That’s why I’m here to tell you about my favorite summer activity, Beach Volleyball. Now, I’m not talking about the Olympic sport (though I fully support team USA’s efforts in Rio), I’m talking about hitting the beach with some friends and having yourselves a good time. It’s is the perfect way to get that much needed exercise during those hot, hot summer months.  Here’s why:

 

The Beach!

Beach_Volley_(8143063908)

 

There’s no location more synonymous with summer than the beach. It’s the place everyone always talks about. There’s no lack of sunshine to work on your tan and the water is right there, so you can cool it off when needed. That’s why playing volleyball there makes so much sense. You get to do your thing and ace on fools, then when the heat that you’re generating with your excellent bump, set, spike work becomes too much to handle, you go jump in the water for a few. It’s like a match made in heaven. Head to la playa with some friends and get a game started!

 

You can totally drink while playing!

cocktails-648851_960_720

 

I’m sure not everyone would recommend drinking while exercising, but I’m not everyone. Nothing goes better with beach volleyball than an ice cold piña colada, or strawberry daiquiri, or my personal favorite, the Miami Vice, which is just a piña colada and strawberry daiquiri mixed together. If fruity island drinks aren’t your thing, then you can always just bring a cooler full of beer (and water). It probably travels a little better than a blender anyway. Just be sure to pace yourself or you might be hurling that drink back up into the playing area. And that is definitely not cool.

 

No shirt? No Shoes? No problem!

beachvolleyball

 

One of the greatest parts of beach volleyball is that you can play it in just your bathing suit. No equipment (other than a ball and net of course), no special footwear or uniforms to differentiate teams. Just you, your teammates and some hot beach bods! I don’t think there is another sport you can play and be as comfortable as you can while playing in your bathing suit. It makes for effortless movement across the sand as you dominate your friends on the other team. Comfort goes a long way in bringing your ‘A’ game.

 

The best part of beach volleyball is that it’s a sport best played in the coed fashion! It’s fun for girls and boys of all ages! So get out to the sand, grab a ball and get to work on your game. Before you know it you’ll be re-living that awesome volleyball scene from Top Gun!

 

 


SBS Guide to: Terrible Playground Games

Written by :
Published on : June 8, 2016

 

I don’t want to sound too much like the mean old man on the block but remember when jungle gyms were covered in rough substances like gravel, wood chips and broken glass? Go to a park these days and you’ll find some strange rubber tire substance that feels like you are walking on the moon. But the moon is a dodgeball.

 

During school, you only get so much time outside (just like prison). It’s a valuable resource you want to spend on a quality playground game. Some are playing Tag, others build in the sandbox. You better decide quick because that line for the slide is growing. Either way, you don’t want to get stuck messing with any of the activities below. These are the worst things on the playground… other than the bullies.

 

Tetherball

 

What an awful creation. Some idiot was like “what if we tie a ball to a stick, but like a really big stick?” and boom! Playgrounds across America are littered with these trash poles. I would never let my daughter strip on one of these. I do see the merit of a cheap game with self-contained parts, but it feels like not a ton of thought went into it. It sucks that this was one of the few recess options for some of us.

 

Hopscotch

hopscotch

 

Another stinker. Again, I like the simple space-saving design but that’s all it has. What’s the challenge? Using one foot and then switching to using two? Who is this hard for? Maybe peg-legged pirates. Are there lots of pirates on playgrounds? And part of the game is you toss a stone or something. Are we teaching kids to throw rocks? WTF. This game sucks. Now go hop and get me a scotch, neat. And then let’s go see if any swings are available.

 

Monkey Bars

monkey-bars

 

First, the name is super misleading. Because if there was a real bar, where a monkey in a vest served me a drink, my head would explode. And I’d go broke spending every red cent I had in there. But this open-ended cage is really just a bunch of pull-up bars welded together. I’m six, my upper body strength is dogshit. Why is this here? Plus, every other kid has a brutal fall off these things. Go ahead, ask anyone you know if they are ever fallen off (or got pushed off) the monkey bars. I bet at least half the people have. Or maybe all those kids died and the world is now only populated by people who avoided the monkey bars?

 

Whatever this is

Playground rocking horse

 

Seriously. A rocking horse mounted crudely to truck shocks? Brilliant. This feels like something s serial killer would make out of old car parts and keep in their front yard. How fun, you can lean forward and back. This is like the amish version of those cheap kiddie rides you see outside the movie theater. I’ll take the merry-go-round over this 100 times out of a 100. Hell, maybe even the seesaw. Or teeter-totter for our Canadian friends.

 

Playgrounds have changed a lot over time but the classics still remain. Your slides, swings and sandboxes. These are HOF pieces of equipment. Thankfully for us and the future, some of those terrible games are starting to finally die off. What part of recess was your least favorite? Let me know in the comments.

 

You’re it.

 

 


An ode to the Moms that make sports possible

Written by :
Published on : May 8, 2016

 

 

Today is Mother’s Day and in honor of all the moms out there, we thought we would say a few kind words about the most important people in the world of sports or the world as a whole, for that matter.

 

Let’s be honest. None of us would be here if it wasn’t for our mother. It’s just a biological fact. But that’s not what today is all about. Today is about all the things that our moms do after bringing us into this world. From nursing, to diapers, to helping with homework, our moms are always there. They selflessly sacrifice their personal lives in order to make better ones for us.

 

This applies to all facets of life, including our beloved sports. Many of us would not have been able to play if not for our moms. Sure, for some people dads are just as important when it comes to sports but today isn’t father’s day, so let keep our focus on the mamas. Here are just a few ways that moms make sports a reality.

 

Soccer moms

It’s true that moms are more than mere chauffeurs when it comes to their impact, but the fact of the matter is that in order to play sports you need to physically show up. That’s where the masses of soccer moms and their mini-van chariots come in. The soccer moms (or football moms, baseball moms, hockey moms, etc) are what make the world of youth sports go ’round. They spend hours behind the wheel driving their children and their children’s teammates to games, meets and matches.

 

 

They also spend tireless hours organizing and planning in order to make sure that all of the obligations for their children and their teams are met. Whether it’s setting up fundraisers for team equipment or preparing post-game snacks for this week’s matchup, moms are indispensable. If you little leaguers are reading this right now, go and give your mom a hug and say thank you!

 

Your biggest cheerleader

When I was child playing soccer, basketball, baseball, hockey and football (yes, I played them all at one point or another) there was always one constant at my games. And that was my mom out there in the stands cheering me on as loud as she could. Sure, as a kid sometimes you can be embarrassed by your parents always being around but as I look back on those times I realize that there’s something special about it. It makes me feel good to know that my mom was always there and always had my back. Even if I sucked at the sport I was playing.

 

Hockey-Mom

 

Moms are our biggest supporters and are always there with some words of encouragement, whether you need them or not. That’s because our moms care and they genuinely want to see us succeed. There many people in our lives who care about our wellbeing and progression as people for purely unselfish reasons, but that’s just what moms do. They are there shouting, screaming and rooting us on from kick off until the final whistle. And for that, we say thank you.

 

Doctor, teacher, mentor

Moms do it all. They help us clean the cuts and ice the bruises that are inevitable, and they help teach us lessons in good sportsmanship. There really isn’t anything that they can’t do, or wouldn’t do for their children. They impart the wisdom they have gained through the years onto us, their kids. And they withhold judgement when we make mistakes. It’s their love and support that helps us to be the best we can be, both on the field and off.

 

 

They are team doctor, trainer and coach all wrapped up in one and none of us would be who we are today if not for their care, advice and influence. So go find your mom and wish her a Happy Mother’s Day, give her a giant hug, buy her some flowers and a card, and appreciate everything she’s done. Because she did it for you.

 

Love you, Mom!

 

 


Playing sports after 30

Written by :
Published on : November 23, 2015

 

 

If you are like me, then you are old now. I love sports but I can’t play them like I could when I was 18. So now I have to pick my battles. Here is a little advice on how to keep rocking in the free world AKA playing sports after 30.

 

1. Stay away from traps

If you can’t ball then don’t go down to the court. Don’t put shorts on and drive all the way down there to pretend like you can keep up. I’m not saying you can never hoop again, I’m just saying not with these people. Maybe pop-shot basketball at the fair or arcade is more your speed. Or balled pieces of paper and your office trash can. Whatever, just don’t set yourself up for failure. If your friend plays racquetball and asks you to come play racquetball, you say no. You suck at racquetball. And your friend is good at racquetball. Fuck that.

 

Gotta love a sport with goggles

 

2. Find your groove

Pick a low impact game where they serve drinks: darts, pool, golden tee, real golf, bowling. Something that you can age into. You don’t need to be too mobile to play any of these and it still makes you look like an athlete (kinda).  Also, you can always leverage your skill in these games into gambling good times. “If I pick up this spare you buy the next round” sounds like it’s paying off already.

If for some weird reason you are not bad at everything then please stop reading. I don’t think that’s fair to anyone. I mean you already have everything. You need my jokes too?

Okay, I think they are gone. Anyway. You don’t need to be good at everything anymore. Just pick one thing. That’s your thing now. No one expects you to be good at more than one. And if you are good at more than one then I think I already told you to leave.

Find the activity you really dig and get into it. But please stop pretending that you rock climb or want to play adult dodge ball. You like cycling or whatever. Just admit it.

 

3. Stretch

Do it. It will help. I get that it is maybe embarrassing to do in public. Hide, get it done. This should be a no-brainer.

 

Reach!

 

4. Shut up about it

No one cares. Shut up. If you find someone who exactly likes your same shit, then perfect. But assume everyone hates it. Don’t be ashamed just shut up about it. If it comes up, try and play it cool, for once. You’re 30 or older. Everyone makes fun of crossfit believers because they are constantly talking about how awesome it is. Like some kind of fitness cult. That’s what you sound like with whatever yoga or surfing garbage you love.

Another reason to play it cool is because if your hidden batting cage prowess is revealed naturally then you will be a legend in that moment. But not if everyone knows you hit the cages three times a week. So shut up about it. Rule of thumb: never say anything until someone good looking brings it up first.

 

 

So that’s it. Remember to stay active and I don’t mean the gym. Toss the football around, hallway hockey, something with a kayak. Have fun. Be safe. And don’t take too many pictures.

 

 


I named my band after a sports thing.

Written by :
Published on : September 28, 2015

 

A friend of mine recently turned me on to a jangly indie rock outfit from Ohio that goes by the (I’m assuming) fairly tongue-in-cheek moniker of SPORTS. It did get me thinking about a phenomenon I’ve noticed more and more as I’ve grown older. Namely, the topic of conversation has shifted from basement shows, amps and the pains of DIY tours to baseball scores, cursing our starting rotation and whether or not Teddy Bridgewater is the real deal.

 

I think you can chalk up a lot of this to me not staying as punk as 17 year old me would have hoped, but I think there’s something innately similar between watching sports and watching punk shows. There’s a feeling of belonging, of history and a tradition and of constantly believing in the underdog.

 

With that said, it’s also funny to name your band after a sports thing. I personally have named two of my bands in this fashion, one being my highschool folk-punk band “Gramatica!”, named after the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ Argentinian placekicker, Martin Gramatica. He led them to a 48-21 rout of the Oakland Raiders in the Super Bowl my senior year of highschool. The other being “NHL,” an oft-dormant 80s-hardcore band that I play in from time to time with members of Apocalypse Meow and Tower. We’ve decided that NHL actually stands for “Nine Hundred Lions” or “Nude Harold Lloyd” depending on the day, how much we’ve been drinking and what kind of pizza we ate for dinner.

 

So, in order to not feel so alone in this cold and desolate world, I went out and tracked down some other bands who wear their love of sports on their sleeves:

 

Edhochuli

It sounds like it might be a disease, or maybe one of the weird Latin names that dudes in Norwegian black metal bands give to themselves, is actually the name of everyone’s favorite super-buff football referee, Ed Hochuli. Edhochuli the band is from Pittsburgh and make riffy, screamy hardcore with pretty tight names like, “Pizza Party at the Castle (We Totally Won)” and “Sir, I’ve Been Observing You for Five Minutes and You Have Yet to Say ‘Whoo!’ Once.”

 

 

Ten Yard Fight

These Bostonian knuckleheads are partly responsible for one of the weirdest subgenres in hardcore. Tuff guy straightedge is equally known for shout-along breakdowns and horrible guitar tone as it is for guys wearing workout gear and pumping iron before they go on. What does it have to do with sports? Ten Yard Fight was also the name of an early NES football game and they would rock football gear on stage.

 

 

American Football
Complex and vaguely mopey emo from Champaign-Urbana, I’ve always thought it was fitting that the guys called their band “American Football” and not just “Football.” “Oh, you mean American Football?” They were one of my favorite bands in highschool and I still dust off their self-titled record when I’m feeling gloomy on a sunny autumn day. The venn diagram of fans of American Football and fans of the NFL has got to be pretty small.

 

 

Modern Baseball

Another emo group, this one more recent. I gotta admit, this band has some serious hooks. Open-chord, girlfriend-going-off-to-college pop punk, plus the drummer sings sometimes, which I’ve always enjoyed. I think this band would’ve been right up there for me if they had existed when I was 17 years old.

 

 

Dikembe

What’s with emo bands and sports names? I had admittedly never heard of this band until I started writing this piece. Kinda noisy emo with noodly guitars and half yelled/half sung lyrics. From the punk hotspot of Gainesville, Florida they took on the moniker of Congolese NBA great, Dikembe Mutombo (fun fact, Dikembe Mutombo’s full name is: Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo, thanks Wikipedia!) and they also have a record called “Chicago Bowls” on which all of the song titles are the names of 90s Bulls players made into weed puns like, “Scottie Spliffen” “Luc Bongley” and “Tony Kukush” which is pretty damn tight if you ask me. I think they just missed, “Dankness Rodman.”

 

 

Overmars

I actually toured with this French doom and gloom outfit on their US run in 2009. They are all a bunch of sweethearts and really loved drinking Southern Comfort, smoking cigarettes and getting into trouble. Their name comes from the Dutch soccer player, Marc Overmars who played for Arsenal and Barcelona in the late 90s/early 2000s. Speaking of Dutch soccer players who would make great band names, how come nobody has named a band “Eden Hazard” yet?

 

There are a whole host of other sports band names, most of which are more obvious, like Nickelback, Yellowcard, Fastball and The Outfield but I figure you’ve probably already heard of them and don’t need me to tell you anymore.

I also was thinking about how good a name “Diamond Dust” (the substance used to keep baseball diamonds dry so they don’t get muddy during games) would be for some kind of space-y disco punk band, and then I found out that there is a band from Vancouver of all places who has already nailed down that moniker. Their guitar player’s name is Craig “Riffer” Hare which is about the coolest Dude-In-A-Canadian-Rock-Band name I can think of, so I guess we’d better lay off.

 

 


Never Going Pro

Written by :
Published on : September 14, 2015

 

 

Last summer, I was on a camping trip with friends. Somebody tossed me a football and someone else told me to pass it. So I did — it spun lopsided, like a drunken bird, before crashing to the ground. Maybe ten feet from where I was standing.

 

One of my friends, sunbathing in her bikini, looked up and said, “That was terrible, Michael.”

 

She was right, but it didn’t bother me. I’m a 30 year old man who can’t throw a football. And it’s not just my throwing arm; my free throw, corner kick, fastball, backhand, slap shot, even my putt-putt are all super embarrassing. I’m good at lots of stuff, but sports has never been one of them. Don’t even toss me your keys within 100 feet of an open sewer drain.

 

 

How does this happen, you ask? How does someone get this far in life with absolutely zero athletic skill? It’s pretty simple: when I was a kid, I didn’t have time for sports. I was at the library, the comic book store, or too busy watching James Bond movies after school to play Panther Football. I never felt left out because I didn’t want to join. Everything was cool… except for gym class.

 

Gym class was a problem because it’s graded. You have to participate to get an A. So I was forced to join in, and it was… embarrassing. I was so un-coordinated that I was a danger to other students. Once I shot a basketball so wildly off-course that I broke a kid’s glasses. Another time, my attempt to steal a soccer ball turned into an accidental “Sweep The Leg” maneuver.

 

cobra kai

 

I was also a danger to myself. I fell down constantly during every gymnastics lesson, and don’t even want to talk about the nightmare that was the roller skating unit. One look at the swimming pool and I turned into a Conscientious Objector. I’ve also been hit in the head with almost every type of sports ball. Ironically, the softball hurt the most. I’m not even good at sports video games; last time I played Madden, I got so frustrated that I broke the Sega controller.

 

Sports teach you how to win, but they also teach you how to lose. And after years of always being an It and never a Tag, I realized that I had learned the most valuable lesson of all: sports are for millionaires.

 

highest-paid

 

99% of us can sort of play sports, but who cares? Only the 1% get to show up on Wheaties boxes. And I say let them have it. When professional athletes compete, it’s a work of art. When regular assholes play sports, it’s your co-worker’s improv show: clumsy and unbearable.

 

So let me take this opportunity to officially decline any future invitation to play a game of tennis, basketball, whatever; thanks, but no thanks. Except golf. I do want to play golf with you. But only if I can drive the cart.

 


WWJP – What (Sport) Would Jesus Play?

Written by :
Published on : September 13, 2015

 

What was Jesus Christ’s favorite sport? There is a lot of talk about the Messiah and his teachings but not tons of info about what Jesus liked to do when he wasn’t washing the feet of the poor or turning water into wine. I’d like to assume he was a sports fan. I mean who isn’t? Most athletes thank Jesus for their success but what sport does Jeezy of Nazareth support?

 

Football – The simple game mechanics are just too inherently violent for the redeemer to endorse the NFL or the college version. Secretly, I think Jesus loves football but his dad doesn’t like it so he can’t really talk about it. But he totally watches and may even be in a few fantasy leagues.

Also, let’s not forget Leviticus 11:7-8 which is pretty clear about playing with the old pigskin:

The pig, for even though it has divided hoofs and is cloven-footed, it does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you. Of their flesh you shall not eat, and their carcasses you shall not touch; they are unclean for you

 

baseball_jesus

 

Baseball – Well his name is Jesus, sounds like professional baseball player to me. On that alone, you might think America’s past time would be Christ’s fav. The game is slower paced and less violent but this isn’t a perfect marriage. Baseball is 90% spitting and crotch grabbing. I don’t think Jesus is cool with that.

 

Basketball – Christ for sure hoops it up. He looks like a great shooter, maybe a solid point guard who could push the floor, control the tempo and save your mortal soul. Thou shall not hog the rock. Oh, the Lord rocks sandals and cares not for Jordans. Also the trash talk isn’t going to fly. Christ really likes basketball but he isn’t in love with it.

 

jesus saves

 

 

Hockey –  He can walk on water so why couldn’t he skate? Like a bearded Gretzky. Wait, there is still fighting in hockey right? Okay, I don’t think that will work. Plus it probably never gets cold enough for Jesus and his apostles to play on a frozen pond. He didn’t grow up in Michigan.

 

Paintball – Not his favorite, just a phase we went through in the 90’s.

 

Golf – Meditative but most country clubs don’t let Jews join.

 

 

jesus soccer

 

Soccer – A simple game anyone can play. You need very little equipment or shoes. It’s loved globally. It’s a team sport. This is all sounding good. Wait, here’s the kicker. You are not allowed to use your hands which leaves them available for prayer! DING DING DING. We have a winner.

 

So you heard it here first, Jesus Christ’s favorite sport is soccer. So go kick the ball around and get a little closer to the big guy. After all, soccer is the beautiful game.

 

 


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