SBS Guide to: Fidget Spinners

Written by :
Published on : July 14, 2017

 

If you don’t know what a fidget spinner is by now, you’ve been living under a rock or just woke up out of a coma. Marketed as an item for the ADHD afflicted, the fidget spinner is the fad of 2017. If you don’t have one, you’re missing out. These things are fun as hell.

 

There are many different types of spinners out there. Plastic, metal, light-up, mini, doubles, ones with superhero logos, even ones with Bluetooth speakers (Don’t buy those, I hear they can explode). All you need to get in on the craze is a plain ol’ plastic spinner with metal weights. They come in a variety of colors.

 

Fidget Spinners

 

Where did they come from? Short answer: China. Long answer: I’m not really sure. In the mid-90s, an inventor named Catherine Hettinger submitted a patent for a Spinning Toy, a small UFO-shaped plastic disc that is “designed to be spun on the finger” for enjoyment. Wikipedia incorrectly credited her as having created the ’17 Spinner, a claim to fame that she’s using on her own Kickstarter page even though she’s confirmed it isn’t true. In the mid-10s, an IT guy named Scott McCoskery invented the Torqbar. It’s basically the same concept, but it’s only got two arms instead of three. Having not used either of these antecedent objects, I cannot say how fun they are. I can only repeat that the fidget spinner, sold wherever money is accepted, is very fun.

 

How does it work? Simply balance or grip the toy and spin, spin, spin. I get a hypnotic satisfaction from watching it spin. Momentum carries it for a satisfyingly long time. But be warned, you’re buying a $4 dollar toy, and they can wear down quickly. That’s why you get two. Not only for that, but so you can learn how to do tricks.

 

 

Tricks are the reason that fidget spinners have been banned in schools all over America. It’s an addictive pursuit, but also distracting and potentially very destructive. YouTube is full of fidget spinner trick videos with kids pulling off some amazing shit. All tricks start with learning to catch. Toss the spinner with one hand and grasp it mid-air. It seems easy, but from experience, it’s difficult as hell. But I’m also over 30.

 

 

Better than the trick videos are the fail videos. These things can break a lot of stuff. One kid even chips his tooth while trying to spin it on his tongue. Idiot.

 

Should you get yourself a fidget spinner? Absolutely, 100% yes. It’s not just a toy, it’s a fad. Fads are time capsules of a specific era. Specifically, the (usually very short) era when everyone thought this one thing was really cool. Fidget spinners are 2017’s entry into the Fad Hall of Fame, ready to stand with fads like Beanie Babies, Hoverboards, The Macaerna, Pogs, Snuggies, Chia Pets, The Clapper, the Ice Bucket Challenge, Magic Eye books, Pokemon Go and Weird Al Yankovic.

 

Seriously. Buy one, play with it for a week, then put it in a drawer. Your future kid is going to love it.

 

 

 


SBS Guide to: the dark days of summer

Written by :
Published on : June 22, 2017

 

 

The dark days of summer is a reference to the time of year when only MLB is going on. Hockey and Basketball just ended their seasons and NFL is still too many weeks away. Baseball is cool but it’s the only section of the year where we only have one pro sport to watch. Many fans follow a number of teams, in different leagues and sports. It’s an all-year commitment and this “taking the summer off” thing can rub some the wrong way. But don’t fret, ScoreBoredSports has got you. This is your guide to surviving the darks days of summer.

 

Find a new game

It only has to be new to you. Not necessarily something wild and crazy. Try something you’ve never even attempted. For example, I’ve expanded my own horizon in the last few years by trying the following activities for the first time: shooting guns, surfing, horseback riding, even getting on the ice and curling. I wasn’t great at any of these but they were all a blast. Plus you never know, you may find your new favorite hobby. For the record, I was okay at shooting, once I got over closing my eyes when the gun went off.

 

Bruno shooting

 

Double down on baseball

It’s all we got on the pro level so get into it. Pick a second favorite team if needed, get to know the roster. Try to get to the next level of appreciation for the game. Maybe learn to score using paper and pencil. Go out to the ballpark and see the action live in person. Maybe upgrade your seats and create a new experience. Look, I know baseball isn’t a favorite of most of us but sometimes you got to dance with the date that brought you. MLB is here and they are looking good. Get close and enjoy it. No one is asking you to fall in love, just enjoy a few songs together. You might just catch some feelings.

 

Stock up on brownie points 

Take a cue from pro athletes and spend the summer with your significant other and/or family members. We all know that when fall comes, that football takes over all day Sunday. And Thursday night. Oh and of course Monday Night Football. Also, they sometimes do games on Saturday. But that’s normally reserved for College Football which will also be back. Looks like you are going to miss many social engagements because of your viewing schedule, so you better stock up on good will while you still can. That’s right, I’m talking Bye Week Brunch status. Pour it on thick and do whatever your partner wants until the season opener. Trust. You will need it later.

 

echo park lake - becky insta
                                    My lady @rebecca_bee and I at the park for a picnic

 

Some decent advice. Take it or leave it. The real message is that the break can be a blessing. We all love sports but a little time off is nice. It allows you to catch up on things and remind the special ones in your life that they do in fact matter. Football starts September 7th.

 

The end is near.

 

 


SBS Guide to: H-O-R-S-E

Written by :
Published on : May 13, 2017

 

H-O-R-S-E is a basketball skills/shooting competition that can be enjoyed with any number of players (2 minimum). This driveway staple has been providing NBA inspired thrills for decades. It’s one of the truly perfect and simple games that will live forever because it’s easy to play and very satisfying at all ability levels. Gather the crew and crack some sports drink, this is your ScoreBoredSports guide to H-O-R-S-E.

 

Rules

Basic mechanics are like this. Player A calls their shot from the floor, if they make it, it is now on Player B to make the same exact shot. If Player B misses, they get a letter (An ‘H’ if it’s your first). Get all the letters to spell “HORSE” and you are out.

 

If Player A misses their called shot, then it’s Player B’s turn to call a shot. After a letter is given out, the next player in the order is up. So in a two person game, the loser gets a letter and the winner is back to picking a challenge.

 

When playing with a group, same rules apply, the person who misses the shot gets the letter. So if Player A makes a hook shot from the elbow, then each player goes until someone misses. If everyone makes it, Player A must invent something else.

 

horse dunk

 

Rule variations

For a shorter or longer game, change the target word. Instead of H-O-R-S-E, we would play P-I-G or G-R-A-N-D-M-A-M-A depending how much time we had.

 

If Player A calls a shot and everyone makes it then player A gets a letter. This rule encourages you to take difficult shots. Player A is such a wuss for playing it safe.

 

Try teams. You and your partner takes turns shooting but collect letters together. This only seems necessary if you have huge numbers that want in and if that’s the case then just play real 5-5 basketball.

 

Play on horseback. Never done this, seems too rich for my blood. Could be awesome. Isn’t this just polo?

 

Strategy

Practice a trick shot. At least one move that’s irregular and you have decent odds of making. Every game of H-O-R-S-E I’ve ever played had some jerk making a backwards shot that no one could reproduce.

 

backwards shot 2

 

Play to your opponent’s weaknesses. Do you know Timmy can’t use his left hand? Then maybe a reverse southpaw layup may trip him up. Or maybe the other players don’t have much range, try a 3 from well beyond the line, Steph Curry style.

 

If you are way out-classed in terms of basketball skills then make sure you are at least smarter and better at spelling than the competition. That may buy you a few extra letters before you get bounced off the cooouuuurrrttttt.

 

H-O-R-S-E rocks because you don’t have to break a sweat to feel like you’ve competed. Plus it’s possible you can beat a much more athletic person than yourself. And in general, it’s a great lazy way to spend a summer day. My go-to shot is the granny-style free throw. Leave your fav trick shot in the comments below and maybe I’ll see you in the driveway. At least until the street lights come on.

 

No real horses were harmed in the making of this.

 

 


SBS Guide to: Thumb Wrestling

Written by :
Published on : April 27, 2017

 

 

1-2-3-4. Let’s have a thumb war.

 

 

The first hand-to-hand combat that many school children learn. I love a good knuckle-tussle and no, that isn’t code for masturbation. Thumb wrestling is great because it isn’t about the size of the thumb but the power of the brain controlling it. This is everything you need to know. May I present, the ScoreBoredSports guide to Thumb Wrestling.

 

Rules

The rules change from bars to playgrounds but the basics are lock grips and using only your thumbs, battle until one player has pinned the other. The length of the pin count is the biggest regional variable. Some do a 3 count like WWE wrestling. Others keep the thumb trapped while saying “1-2-3-4, I just won the thumb war” before it’s considered a legal victory.

 

Both players must maintain a tight, fully locked grip. There is a tendency to pull away to help create new angles of attack but this is against the rules. If the hands move too far apart, then a reset should happen.

 

Thumb-Wrestling B&W

 

Strategy

– The bait and switch

This classic technique works great but it’s playing with fire. Lower your thumb for an easy pin and wait for the last possible second to dodge then go over the top for the pin. This will surely draw your opponents attention but be careful. You may just hand them an easy victory.

 

– The sidewinder

Take your thumb as far outside as you can, then loop back and try to get behind the opposing digit. The simplest way to get gain leverage for a winning play. Everyone uses this move so timing is the key here. Maybe jab a few times then try.

 

– The monk

The master of frustrating defense. The basic principle here is to do very little and wait for the other player to make a mistake. After denying a few rounds of attacks wait for impatience to set in. They will do something risky, then you pounce.

 

 

Watch for the sneak attack

People are the worst. So expect everything terrible they may do. A popular cheating maneuver is to use the index finger to hook the thumb down for a quick pin. This horseshit will not stand. If someone does this to you then use your free hand to shove them as hard as you can. If for some reason your other arm is occupied (maybe holding a cold drink) then simply head-butt them in the face. This violence will no doubt get their attention plus it ensures you won’t get pinned. Careful though, a real fight may break out and SBS hasn’t made a ‘guide to’ for that yet.

 

Your thumbs are now armed with the white-knuckle knowledge to rule your domain. Remember to always stretch out before any contest. Don’t want to go into the big match cold. This ain’t hitch-hiking, it’s a war of the phalanges. Now get out there and give them hell.

 

Fingers.

 

 


SBS Guide to: Getting Into Spring Break Shape

Written by :
Published on : March 8, 2017

 

 

Hey you! If you’re anything like me, you’ve been indulging yourself in the name of holiday cheer since last Halloween. While nothing may have mattered during the big sweater/heavy jacket season, spring is here now and you’ve got some extra pounds to shed along with those extra layers. Don’t worry. This is the ultimate guide to getting your baked potato off the couch and turning that body-at-rest into a WrestleMania body. This is the SBS Guide to Getting Into Spring Break Shape.

 

DAY 1

We’ve all heard the phrase, “my diet starts tomorrow,” because the hardest part of getting fit is getting started.  That’s why you’re not going to exercise today. Relax. Take a load off. You’ll worry about that shit tomorrow.

 

But hold up — that doesn’t mean this is a free day. You’ve still got work to do. First, even though you haven’t hit the gym yet, let everyone know that you’re on a diet today. Tell them as soon as you see them. It’s a great conversation starter.

 

Second, do some research. Set yourself up for success by hitting the Internet and working out your routine for the week. Plan a workout routine that focuses on different muscle groups each day, and look up recipes that fit your new diet. This will come in handy later.

 

Third, and most importantly: working out requires work out music. Sit down and make a kickass playlist. High energy songs, only stuff that you love. At least 20 to 30 songs. Do it!

 

marketing-research

 

DAY 2

You can’t put it off any longer. Today’s the day. Don’t dread it, embrace it. Eat some protein, crank that playlist and start exercising.

 

Remember: it’s going to suck. Especially if you haven’t worked out in a while, then it’s really going to suck. You’re going to wind up a sweaty, tomato-faced blob by the time it’s over. The good news is that means that you did it right. Now eat some kale.

 

DAY 3

How you feeling? A little sore? Kinda hungry? The answer: change it up!

 

Everything about today should be different from yesterday. Work out different muscles and try some new recipes. Doesn’t this feel great? It’s like Day 1 (but actually Day 2 remember) all over again.

 

Change it up! Remember: variety is the spice of life. And Variety is a Hollywood newspaper that would write something like “Auds Applaud Hero’s Boffo Bod Mod” if they were reporting on you and your diet.

 

variety

 

DAY 4

Things are definitely going to be tough today. It should feel good to exercise those sore muscles, but no, it does not. Your diet foods are all super delicious, but no, not as good as a cheeseburger and a beer. You need a morale booster, but not from your friends. Fuck those platitude-spouting jerks. What do they know? I don’t see them sweating it out with you.

 

Sit down and watch a movie from the “determination conquers all” genre. Need a suggestion? Start with the classics: Rocky, Rudy, or Aladdin.

 

giphy

 

DAY 5

Brace yourself. This is going to be the worst day of your week. You’re tired, hungry and your playlist sucks. The novelty of “being on a diet” or “changing your lifestyle” has completely worn off by now. Today you need support, and who better than you friends?

 

Invite a friend to lunch today. Make sure it’s someone who knows that you’re on a diet. Arrive before them. Overdress for the occasion, and I mean really look like a million bucks. And when you order, stick to your diet foods.

 

Sure, you’re fishing for compliments. And if they’re any kind of friend, they’ll throw them at you faster than you can accept them. You might make them feel bad, but you’re going to feel good.

 

DAY 6

CHEAT DAY MOTHERFUCKER!!!

 

After being a slave to your routine all week, this is your official day of the week to do you.

 

food

 

DAY 7

Repeat Day 1.

 

Was that so hard? No, I didn’t think so. Now do that until you feel better about yourself.

 

Good luck.

 

 


SBS Guide to: Floor Hockey

Written by :
Published on : February 21, 2017

 

Foam sticks, a high school gymnasium and all the excitement of the NHL. That’s right, I’m talking floor hockey. Most Americans learn about the sport in gym class during their teenage education. I was lucky enough to play a lot of the hardwood soft stick so I’m considered an expert by Midwest bullshit, know-it-all standards. Put on your non-marking shoes and get ready for the ScoreBoredSports guide to floor hockey.

 

Gear

You don’t need too much. A set of sticks, two goals and a puck or ball. I only ever used foam sticks. Anything too hard was considered dangerous at my weird school. Remember, keep the stick below your waist level or you’ll spend two minutes in the box. As always, good footwear is critical. Gym shoes will do nicely. Something that still has some grip. In terms of clothing, anything athletic will work. No jeans please. If you can grow a quick hockey mullet, then please do. Great hockey hair can really put this whole thing over the top. Oh, and our goalies never had any real pads. But if you have enough gear for both tenders, then game on Wayne.

foam hockey sticks

 

Strategy

Put your second best player at the center of the defense then put all your best stick-handlers up front and at the wings. Bad floor hockey players can still play decent defense. Just clog the passing lanes and crash down on whoever has the puck. For those totally unfamiliar with hockey, the easiest way to score is to draw the goalie to one side and pass to a shooter on the far post. Then just let them just tap it in.

 

Try to keep possession and pass the rock. Dump and chase can be effective but it takes your advantage of control away. Sometimes the best pass is backwards. Soccer players can understand this. You can’t drive straight to the net without attracting the whole defense. If you truly have no pass or option then play the puck forward, into space. Hopefully one of your mates can win the 50-50 ball and reclaim possession in the attacking third to set something up. If your crew is getting worked, then try to figure out who is torching you and stop the bleeding. Maybe put a spy on their best player and try to slow them down.

 

Don’t wear a watch

So this one time in high school, I had a very memorable day of FH. The quick backstory was I had a free period while the middle schoolers had their gym class. Well they were pucking around one day and I was looking for something to do. The gym teacher was also my track and soccer coach so he let me join to help fill out teams.

 

Rolex

 

Cut to later, I’m kicking ass and scoring mad goals but this little jerk kid Danny kept pestering me. He’d hit me with his stick and do anything he could to bug me. I caught a pass in the corner and had my back to the net. Danny closes in and starts hacking me with the stick again. These are foam sticks with plastic handles so it doesn’t hurt but it’s annoying as all shit.

 

Normally, the gym teacher would stop this type of slashing but I think my coach liked seeing me get provoked by this underclassmen. Danny hits me again and I turn and slash him back, knocking his stick to the ground. Now, coach blows the whistle and tosses me from the gym. I leave in a huff. What I didn’t see or know until later was that Danny was wearing some awful metal watch and it cut his wrist when I retaliated. Danny bled all over the gym floor then went to the hospital. So don’t wear a watch when you play floor hockey or else Bruno will tell you what time it is. Don’t believe me? Just watch.

 

I never got in trouble for the whole Danny thing but I do feel bad about what happened. I mean who thought a foam stick could be so deadly? The lesson is floor hockey can be lots of fun but leave that wrist bling in your locker.

 

Roughing.

 

 


SBS Guide to: Sledding

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Published on : December 20, 2016

 

The country is under a blanket of cold. My facebook feed is full of snowy pics from my midwest buddies as they battle the elements. Living in southern California, snow is a choice. You travel to a mountain destination for skiing and snowboarding or you never experience it. I never really did any of those fancy mountain sports but we would go sledding all the time. So let’s bundle up and find the best hill we can in your ScoreBoredSports guide to sledding.

 

Clothes

Just like a good lasagna, it’s all about layers. You want to start with a good base, pick your favorite undies then let’s talk long underwear/long johns. They really help to insulate your body heat. The only note about layers is that the outer most should have some degree of water resistance. A long day of sledding will get cut short if you are all soggy. Add a thick hat, winter gloves with decent mobility and scarf or something to help cover your face. Solid boots are absolutely needed. Old sneakers are not going to cut it here. Okay, looks like we are all wrapped up and ready to roll. Now, it’s time to choose your weapon.

 

Sled

sledding1

 

There tons of options here. From sitting on a shovel to some sort of strange horsey kids toy. Stick to the classics. We have your disc shaped unit with the rope handles, the colored plastic toboggan that can hold 1-3 riders, the fruit roll up style carpet thing or the legit wooden toboggan with with or without metal blades. For safety sake, let’s retire rosebud and all over old school metal sleds. No run has a happy ending on one of those old death machines. Note most of these units have little to no steering but if you are on a good hill then you should be only worrying about going straight down. Speaking if slopes, let’s scout the best place to spend the day.

 

Hill

The perfect spot is steep enough to give you a fast ride but not so insane that walking up each time will tire you out. Also you are looking for fresh powder, the first few trips will create a path but you want to carve your own virgin route. The new snow will give you the best riding conditions. It clumps but isn’t too hard or iced over. Be careful to note any obstructions on the course. Watch for rocks, bumps or stray vegetation. Can’t find a good natural spot? Create one. Shovel all the snow on some steps and make a your own hill. Don’t get lazy here, make a solid snow ramp so it’s both fun and safe. Lastly, make sure your landing area is clear of not just objects but people. Sledding is fun let’s try and not send anyone to the hospital.

 

sledding_hill

 

Sledding is simple but in a primal way. It’s a brief battle of man versus nature that satisfies the hunger of adventure. Nature’s roller coaster. Fun for all ages but understand some bumps and bruises tend to happen. It’s the small price you pay for an afternoon of free excitement set in the beauty of the frozen outdoors. So hit those slopes and enjoy yourself. And when you’ve had your fill, head inside for some hot cocoa. I can’t recommend the combo enough.

 

Snowday.

 

 


SBS Guide to: Dueling

Written by :
Published on : December 9, 2016

 

 

Since the dawn of man, we’ve settled arguments with blood. As we progressed as a society, we kept the violence but relegated it to certain areas: the battlefield, the sporting arena or the home. A tradition that exists in almost every culture is dueling. The act of challenging a rival to a violent contest to help decide an issue or argument. The joke is that someone offends your honor and then you are left with no choice but to duel them. Either way, it’s going down, so we better be ready. This is the ScoreBoredSports guide to dueling. En garde.

 

Rules

A duel is a head-to-head game with a tight set of rules. Movies and television may have you misinformed. First off, the challenge. You do not need to slap someone in the face with a glove but you should make your intentions clear and in front of a crowd. This last part is key, you need witnesses, people who can attest that you didn’t just kill someone in cold blood. This can be theatric, but take it seriously, because someone is going to get hurt at the end of it.

 

duel-pistols

 

After the challenge is issued by the first party, it is customary for the second party to choose the weapon. The dueling tradition started in Europe hundreds of years ago, so the popular weapon was a sword. A fencing blade called a rapier. Other hand weapons have been used but blades dominated, later pistols were added to the mix. Back to the rules, both parties agree on a time and the old school pay-per-view is set. Often these negotiations were done by appointed helpers called “seconds” so the angry parties didn’t have to see or talk to each other. How dramatic.

 

Most duels were not to the death. These terms were also ironed out. Traditionally, sword battles were to first blood. The idea being death could maybe happen and even playing in the arena proved how serious you are. The audience also has a responsibility to make sure no one gets over excited and goes for the kill after the duel has been won.

 

When pistols are being used, some new terms must be agreed upon. How many paces away each shooter shall stand. How many shots each may fire. If both players miss and the challenger of the duel is satisfied then the duel is over. If not, they reload and start again. But more than three rounds of firing is considered low class and bloodlusty.

 

Culture

Dueling was cool. European nobility loved the sport and it was all the rage. So much so, that when men suffered a cut from a duel they would put a piece of string in the cut and let it heal over, then rip out the string and let it scab over again. The result was this double textured, wavy scar. It was the tribal tattoo of 1500’s Germany and it got those dudes laid like crazy.

 

Hamilton-burr-duel

 

Aaron Burr famously dueled Alexander Hamilton back in 1804. The two loaded their pistols and took their positions. Different reports claim different events but Hamilton fired first, into the air. Maybe a misfire or maybe him wasting his shot as a statement. Then Burr leveled and fired. Hit Hamilton who died the next day from the wounds.

 

Speaking of duels and American history, let’s mention president Andrew Jackson. This dude loved dueling. He was the LeBron James of dueling. His career stats are sick. Jackson competed in 103 duels and has 1 kill that we know about. A horse breeder named Charles Dickinson insulted Jackson and claimed he welched on a bet. They loaded their pistols and got down. Dickinson hit Jackson in the chest, a wound the man would carry for the rest of his life. He then shot back, the pistol misfired which should have ended the duel but Andrew took another shot and killed Dickinson. Not only is that totally against etiquette but it should have been against the law. Jackson was not charged with murder and the duel had little effect on his presidential campaign. Hell it probably helped.

 

Tactics

The first most important piece of advice is try and think clearly. If you are the challenger then remember, they pick the weapon, so don’t get all mad at the master swordsmen or the gun nut. Don’t start shit with anyone you can’t beat because you might just get killed over something stupid.

 

bugs showdown

 

If you are in a pistol duel then it you need to focus on aiming. Not going to say to fire first or second, both have their advantages but neither are successful if you didn’t take proper time to calm yourself and line up a clean shot.

 

Sword battles are much less cut and dry. The advantage goes to the player who lets the attack come to them and waits for the counter strike. Storming in, blade swinging will not only tire you out but will open you up to easy hits. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you.

 

If a crazy killer challenges you to a dual and you need to level the playing field, pick an insane weapon like a boomerang and stipulate you can only compete at midnight, on a blue moon, on an even day of the week. Just tell them it’s part of your religion. They’ll believe you. Maybe it will never happen or maybe both of you can fail and call the duel over. Either way, no one dies.

 

Dueling should come back in style. We already have too much violence on the streets, this way we can stop the randomness and let the players play. Everyone sort out their own issues. Just don’t come challenge me. I’ve been sword fighting since kindergarten.

 

Honor.

 

 


SBS Guide to: Laser Tag

Written by :
Published on : November 25, 2016

 

Laser tag. The most advanced game we have until Futuresport becomes real. It’s also the best of all the tags. It goes laser, freeze and then original recipe. Most of us got our first taste of laser at a kid’s birthday party sometime in the 90’s. You can’t stop progress and this is our next phase so we better get used to it. Behold the ScoreBoredSports guide to laser tag.

 

My personal laser tag story started at Laser Quest off John R road in the magical land of Michigan. I played under the name “the big red shanker” and I was above average. I knew to wait for chumps around corners but I still ran head first into traps because I was just a kid, with a laser gun.

 

Gear

This will change from place to place but it’s all basically the same stuff. A wearable torso piece with multiple sensors. Normally on chest, back and both shoulders. And a laser gun. This is the simple genius of this sport. You get a fucking laser gun. Game over, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. The guns will vary from make and model but they are single shot weapons with a medium barrel length that are fairly well-balanced. It’s also a simple point-and-click interface that even a child can figure out. So watch out, because a kid will probably snipe you.

 

laser tag gear

 

Special note, some laser tag facilities have guns that will only fire when both hands are on the weapon. One on the handle, one under the barrel. The built in heat sensors measure your temp and unlocks the gun. The reasoning here is that they don’t want players being one-hand careless with the laser. Take off your sweaty gym sock and tie is around the barrel, this will fool the sensors for a few minutes so you can go full stinky cowboy.

 

Strategy

You need to get over the insane joy it is to have a working laser gun and aim your shots. You don’t get bonus for firing the most rounds so make them count. Find a stupid group (b-day party, bachelorettes, corporate team building) and stalk them the entire time. Resist the urge to go full blitz because it will reveal your position. Instead, be the vampire bat and just bleed the herd slowly.

 

laser-tag-in-PA

 

Finding a tactical advantage can be tough because many of the popular moves are banned from play. Most purveyors of laser have strict rules. I can still remember the Laser Quest Player’s Code:

I will not run, climb or jump.

I will not sit, kneel or lie down.

I will not cover any sensors.

I will not use offensive language.

I will not make physical contact with other players.

I will play fair, play smart and give it my all!

 

I can’t recite the Pledge of Allegiance from memory but I know that. Go figure. Moving on, since you can’t do all that fun stuff mentioned above then the focus becomes the game plan. Wandering the arena with no purpose is a great way to get killed. Instead, find a high traffic choke point in the maze and post up. Then, lay waste to all the traffic that comes by. Best to find a few places like this and rotate back and forth to not get predictable. This will maximize the targets you’ll see which will greatly help your score.

 

If you have a few allies then secure a section and make it your castle. Create a perimeter and use team work to destroy the competition. The beauty of this maneuver is the that your enemies will come right to you. If a larger force moves in then simply fall back into a tight corridor and make them fight through a laser wall to get to you.

 

laser-tag kids

 

Kids have a natural advantage because they are low to the ground without breaking the rules for kneeling. Oh, don’t cheat either. Not just because it’s in bad taste but because the Marshal (laser referee) will catch you and take all your points. And if you keep pushing it, they will kick you out and maybe ban you.

 

But if you did want to cheat, you could sneak in a laser pointer and now you have the super illegal double shot. Don’t let the Marshal catch you.

 

Move over paint ball, laser tag is king. We need a pro league with running, climbing, jumping, all that. Hyper futuristic uniforms, dope playing fields and energy drink endorsements.

 

Pew.

 

 


SBS Guide to: Archery

Written by :
Published on : October 25, 2016

 

Before we had guns and bullets we had bows and arrows. A super lethal, ranged weapon system that ruled the pre-gunpowder battlefield. A unit of well trained archers could be the deciding factor in any given conflict. The only trouble is that being a good archer took lots of practice and not just anyone could do it. So for everyone trying to learn, this is the SBS Guide to Archery.

 

Archery seems to be all the rage in Hollywood. You have Robin Hood. The girl from Brave. Katniss from The Hunger Games, Legolas from The Lord of the Rings, Hawkeye from The Avengers, Matt Damon in that Great Wall movie, and who could forget Rambo or Arnold at the end of Predator. And a honorable mention to Daryl and his crossbow from the hit series The Walking Dead but crossbows aren’t really the same thing.

 

Rambo bow

 

In terms of archery credentials, I’m no Gina Davis but I know a thing or two. My super weird private school upbringing had archery as an elective. I’m as shocked as you are. Why would they arm the students? Either way, I learned the basics at an early age and was lighting up hay bale targets in no time.

 

First, you are going to need some gear. Bow, arrows, wrist guard, targets and somewhere reasonable to set up and shoot. The length of both the bows and arrows should be based on your own height and reach. Someone else’s rig is not necessarily going to fit you correctly. I don’t want to get too technical here so I won’t. But there are plenty of resources online and in-store that help you get the right equipment.

 

 

The stance is everything. Learning proper technique at the beginning of your archery journey is critical to shooting consistently. Think about it like making a free throw in basketball. You want to do the same routine every time. Feet shoulder width apart, stay relaxed and follow through.

 

The last piece of advice on the issue of form, is that your draw (the act of pulling back the bow string) should be more of a twist that engages your core and not a tug with your arm only. Next, you don’t aim until you have drawn, set the arrow and gotten your eye on the sight. Once it lines up, clean release and touch down! You wait ’till the end because your adjustments are going to throw you off. Make as few motions as possible. Be zen about it.

 

 

Last tip, all arrows have an odd colored fletching (the wings on the end and odd colored like two green, one blue) and that odd color should face you when set the arrow on the bow. So the the two other fletchings (AKA flights/feathers) won’t hit the string as it takes off.

 

Follow these simple guidelines and you will be center-punching targets like a champ. Just please don’t shoot your little brother in the eye or play that insane William Tell game.

 

Bullseye.

 

 


SBS Guide to: Enjoying a Viewing Party as a Non-Sports Fan

Written by :
Published on : September 11, 2016

 

So you’ve been invited over to watch The Game, but you’re not a sports fan. Don’t worry, you can still have a great time at a sports party if you’re not a fan. If you understand the rules. Like whatever match you’re about to watch, the sport of watching sports has points, rules, fouls, even penalties so egregious that you could be tossed out for them. But don’t worry, we’ve got the rulebook you’re looking for.

 

First of all, show up at least a half hour before game time so you can get to know everyone. And so you can get some nachos before they’re gone. Also because there will be no pleasantries exchanged once the game has started. Don’t take this personally. It’s not you, it’s game frenzy; a condition that creates tunnel vision and removes personal volume control. Remember: you’re at a game party with a bunch of sports fans. You’re hanging out with them, and it’s their rules.

 

Secondly, remember your basic p’s and q’s and bring something to the party. This tells everyone that even if you’re not a fan, you’re there to have a good time. Don’t be all Guy Fieri about it either; you can never go wrong with (at least) 12 cans of domestic beer or several bags of potato chips. Or both. That’s a great first impression.

 

american-beers

 

While getting to know everyone, it’s very important that you don’t pretend to be an expert. Resist the urge to parrot somebody else’s soundbite or headline as your own opinion. Especially if you’re unfamiliar with the loyalties of The House. (Defined by the host and usually two to three of their loudest friends; every House has it’s own specific opinion on the hometeam, as unique as a fingerprint and sensitive as a hair-trigger.) So if you recycle some sport writer’s opinion that the new quarterback is gonna “tie the room together” and the House thinks he’s an overpaid bum, now you’ve branded yourself against the House. Fact: among the fiercely loyal, there are no casual opinions. Don’t make any statements you’re not willing to fight for.

 

The flipside of this is don’t ask too many questions. Nothing annoys a fan quicker than having to explain everything. This isn’t a classroom, it’s the war room. You don’t know the rules? Google it. If you’re genuinely confused about something during gameplay, okay then you can ask. But only adorable kids, old people and girls with big boobs get to ask “which color are we rooting for?” Dig?

 

If the House’s team is playing well or winning handily, then spirits will be high. High fives will fly. Nachos will get destroyed. All you need to do then is follow the cardinal rule of sports watching and never disrupt the viewing of the game. Do not block anyone’s view. Don’t beg for attention during the game. Texting is fine, phone calls are not. Conversation is for commercials. And if you’re getting up for another beer, always ask the room who wants another. That’s just polite.

 

150812_EM_NFLTVFree

 

If the House team is struggling with the lead or starting to lose, things get trickier. Fact: one cannot soar to high highs without also falling to low lows, and if the House team begins to lose you’re going to feel the temperature of the room drop to a low, chilly hostility. When the cheers turn to jeers, your best bet is to go with the flow. Everyone’s angry? Then you’re angry too. That ref made a stupid call? He’s a fucking moron. The new quarterback isn’t playing well? Send him back to Jacksonville. The host just kicked a hole in his wall? Smash that beer bottle over your head.

 

If the House’s team is losing terribly, then your job becomes keep your head down and don’t draw attention to yourself. Many sports fans are superstitious by nature, and even the most level-headed person can be thrown off by high emotions and a few gallons of beer. Anything can and will be blamed for the team’s performance, including the outcome of the coin toss or the attendance of a non-fan at the party. Fact: you do not want a roomful of angry sports fans blaming you for their misery. That’s a lot like being the dinner guest at the end of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. If that happens, run. But don’t worry, it probably won’t.

 

When the game is over, don’t leave too quickly. Take a few minutes to celebrate or commiserate with the group. Offer to clean up a little. If you have to drive, make sure that you’re sober. But don’t hang out too long, and especially if it’s during football season, do not stay for another game. An entire day spent watching sports may sound enjoyable, but it’s really for die-hards only. The non-sports fan will eventually lose interest and want to move on with their day. Hopefully you’re sober and can leave right away when that happens. If you’re not, then you’re stuck. Overstaying your welcome risks turning a fun activity into an annoying distraction. Quit while you’re ahead and go out on top.

 

 


SBS Guide to: Gym Etiquette

Written by :
Published on : August 11, 2016

 

 

Everyone wants to look good and be healthy. Regular exercise is a excellent way to stay in shape and for many that means getting a membership to a gym. Your local gym offers several advantages to working out at home. For starters, many need to get away from the couch and computer to get anything done. The urge to distract yourself is too great. Also, most enjoy the large and expensive equipment that can only be found at the gym. With so many different folks all sharing the space, we must be conscious of others around us. To help out, ScoreBoredSports has put together this quick guide on gym etiquette.

 

The equipment

The most basic gym rules are put things back to the way you found them and wipe down the machines. No one wants to deal with your sweat. And at $60+ per month, no one should have to. This is basic human decency. If you are using weights, then re-rack them when you are done. Grownups clean up after themselves. If you don’t do it then you aren’t an adult and you should probably leave and go find one to help you.

 

gym-wipe down

 

Don’t jump on a machine if you aren’t ready to go. Set your playlist before you take up the last elliptical. Be courteous. If others are waiting then finish up in a timely manner and move along. On the flip side, if you are waiting for a particular piece of equipment then give that person time and space. You are next, no need to crowd them. That’s rude.

 

The people

Just like the machines, the other people around you deserve respect. Please follow these simple rules when on the gym floor. First, get off your damn phone. I don’t mind if you are using it for music or to record your reps but there should be no one taking phone calls. Hang up. Your neighbors don’t want to hear it. If it’s that important then go outside.

 

Don’t go to the gym looking for a hookup or date. I’m sure there have been some loving relationships that started on the treadmill but that’s not the point of the gym. Lots of members feel vulnerable mid-workout and being aggressively approached is the last thing they want. If a natural connection happens, then beautiful, follow your heart but if you get any resistance from the other party then shut it down and move away. Please don’t ruin my pump just because you hate being single.

 

gym hit on

 

The locker room

Seems kind of stupid that we need to include this but there are a few who still don’t get it. The locker room is a place for men and women to comfortably shower and change before and after their sessions. This should be a sanctuary, free of judgements and awkwardness. If you find yourself overwhelmed, then keep your gaze at head level. Try not to stare. If your eyes land on something and it makes you uncomfortable then look past it. Don’t double take or whip your head. It’s just some nudity. Not the end of the world.

 

Whatever you do, don’t be like this idiot. Playboy playmate, Dani Mathers, posted a photo of an unsuspecting nude women in the locker room to her SnapChat where she continued the body shaming with some really tasteless jokes. Since this incident, L.A. Fitness has banned the model from all their locations plus she lost her gig at a local radio station. Mathers is clearly a total dick and I’m glad that both the gym and her job responded correctly. This kind of behavior has no place in modern society.

 

Finding the time and motivation to workout is hard enough. Let’s not make it worse for the others around us by being insensitive jerks. Following the above guidelines can insure a positive day at the gym for everyone. Now, let’s all get swole, ripped and jacked together!

 

Spot me.

 

 


SBS Guide to: Water Gun Fights

Written by :
Published on : August 10, 2016

 

It’s hot. It’s sticky. And relief is nowhere in sight. What do you do when the beach or the pool isn’t an option? Go old-school and have yourself a water gun battle. Squirt guns are some of the only guns that are actually safe to play with. But before you go all aqua-Rambo on your buddies, there are still a few things everyone needs to know to ensure a good time. This is the ScoreBoredSports guide to Water Gun Fights.

 

Listen up solider, we are headed into the wet jungle of water-warfare. All you need to survive is a working weapon and yours wits. I can’t help with the latter but let’s at least get you armed. Time to step into the armory and pick a dance partner.

 

Choose your weapon

Not all H2O throwers are created equal. But in the right hands and in the right situation, any of these pieces can soak an opponent. Let’s talk pro’s and con’s for each weapon system. This will help you find the tool that will best fit your needs.

 

old squirt gun

– Plastic Pistol

Pro’s: Small and easily concealable. Solid capacity and accuracy. Average distance. Great colors and styles.

Con’s: Thin stream, will take many shots to fully wet down your standard issue dry t-shirt. Also, poor design with the stopper. It leaks and this can be an issue if you are using this as a holdout piece.

 

– Water balloon

Pro’s: Cheap, easy to use, devastating amount of water delivered. I like the grenade looking ones.

Con’s: Hard to fill and tie. Cheap rubber breaks on the faucet head regularly. Can only carry so many without the risk of popping one on yourself.

 

– Water syringe (pool toy)

Pro’s: Superior range and power all with a thinner rifle-style profile. Just push the handle forward and jet out the entire payload.

Con’s: Lack of ammo. This unit is made to be refilled by abundant pool water. Without that source, this weapon becomes a one shot pony. Like the rocket launcher of the water fight world.

 

super soaker x150

– Super Soaker

Pro’s: the best water rifles in the world. Huge power, often insane capacity, and a fantastic look that screams cartoony sci-fi. I always wanted the one with the back pack.

Con’s: Heavy, expensive, takes two hands to operate (to pump, not shoot).

 

– Bucket

Pro’s: dumping a full bucket on someone is an instant kill. They will be completely saturated from head to toe in one shot.

Con’s: it’s clumsy, awkward and kind of barbaric.

 

– Hose

Pro’s: The king of water weapons. The garden hose is just brutal. Even worse if it has a legit sprayer head or god-forbid, the power washer attachment. Can soak a set of twins in two seconds flat. Nothing shoots more water, faster. Almost seems unfair.

Con’s: The mobility. The hose is tethered to a fixed point making you a turret that can only fire when targets come into range. Also, your dad may come outside and yell at you for wasting water.

 

Strategy

Super-Soaker-Kid

 

After you have selected the correct weapon for your skill set, it’s time to start thinking tactics. You need to use your brain as much as you use your trigger finger. Don’t take any water gun that will slow you down too much. Speed and evadability are the only things that will keep you dry. I like to roll with a few balloons and a medium sized super soaker. Toss the balloons first, make your enemy deal with that assault as you close ground and drench them.

 

When facing a squad with superior firepower, draw their fire and make them waste their ammo. Use their strength against them. Wait till their payload gets low and then strike. If facing a bully with a hose, then pick someone to play bait and distract the hoser, then sneak behind them and shut the power. Either at the source or just by kinking the hose.

 

Teamwork is huge. You can easily defeat larger numbers if you are coordinated and discipled. Resist the urge to just run around like a chicken with its head cut off. That’s how people get wet. Last note on strategy, you can’t soak a dripping foe. That means, someone will get blasted then just keep coming. They have nothing left to lose and are going to take everyone down with them. If you see this, then run, hide and regroup.

 

Winning

This is the easiest part. Have fun. Be safe. And you win. That means staying hydrated. I get that it’s weird to be drinking ammo during a battle but it’s hot out there. Also, think about wearing something on your feet with decent grip. Puddles, bare feet and a slippery porch sounds like a bad combo. So get some strappy sandals, some old sneakers or maybe a pair of those water shoes and you are good to go.

 

Water gun fights are the only wars I can support. Remember water dries, blood stains.

 

Squirt.

 

 


SBS Guide to: Camping

Written by :
Published on : July 30, 2016

 

 

 

Recently, we published a checklist of fun summer activities and on that list was camping. This really got me thinking about how much I love getting out of town and spending a night under the stars. Michigan was great for outdoor adventures and I spent many days as kid just Huck Fin-ing it up in the woods. Every person deserves the chance to enjoy that. So I present to you, the noble reader, the SBS guide to camping.

 

Before you hit the dusty trail you need to make sure you have everything so you don’t get stuck up shit’s creek without a cell signal. These are the basics.

 

Gear

Husqvarna-Hatchet

 

You don’t need much but there are some critical pieces not to leave out. A sleeping bag, knife, flashlight/headlamp, medkit, rope, duct tape, axe/hatchet, fire-starter, something to cook in/on, appropriate clothes and shoes/boots, plus a bag to carry it all in. Here are few helpful questions to ask yourself:

 

– Where are you sleeping?

– What’s the weather/climate of where you are staying?

– How are you starting your fires/cooking your food?

– Where are you going to the bathroom?

– How many bears will you have to fight?

– How long is your trip?

– What’s the distance from your ride to your campsite?

 

If your tent is a stones throw from your car or truck then you can bring all sorts of crazy things. Leave the popcorn machine at home. Instead, bring your pop-up canopy with heavy duty stakes to anchor it. It will suck if your shade blows away. Camp chairs rock or you can always sit on the cooler or a tree stump. I suggest, if the weather and bugs allow, sleep outdoors. It’s awesome. Grass will get dewy so a tarp is a smart thing to pack and can be used in tons of ways.

 

Food

campfirecook

 

Whatever fresh items you bring need to be in a cooler with ice. You can never have too much ice. If you are cooking over a fire, then you need a frying pan or maybe even a grill grate (take it from your charcoal grill) to place over the campfire. Stick to the classics. Hotdogs/brats, s’mores, bacon and eggs. Maybe make some dope chili and reheat it. Bring tons of snacks, water, and booze. I like canned american beer, high-end boxed wine and whiskey. Oh and don’t forget coffee. Pre-grind some quality beans and bring your french press. Also consider a couple trash bags, a roll of paper towels and some dish soap to wash your food surfaces. You want to clean that mess up quick as to not attract unwanted critters, monsters or newly escaped criminals.

 

Camping Life Hacks

Freeze a gallon of water and put it in your cooler, it will keep food cold and you can drink it when it melts. Secure a leather belt around a tree and then use that as an anchor point to hang things without harming the trunk. Bring protection if you want to have sex with someone and not get an STD. Put a head lamp on a gallon of water to create a make-shift lantern. Pre crack your eggs into an empty water bottle, now you don’t have to worry about packing such a fragile item. Doritos or hand sanitizer can work as fire kindling. Deodorant can double as a topical itch relief from bug bites. Oh, and never keep any food in your tent. Ever. Unless you want to wake up next to something furry and hungry that made it’s way into your bed.

 

My biggest takeaway is that camping should be fun and simple. It’s a way to connect/reconnect to nature. Experts at fancy outdoor supply stores will recommend all manner of expensive gadgets but that completely misses the point. Camping is a chance for us to get offline and be present in the moment. Swim naked in the river, stare up at the night’s sky, enjoy the silence. Just be. Now, get packing and get out of town.

 

Rough it.

 

 


SBS Guide to: Pokemon Go

Written by :
Published on : July 14, 2016

 

 

The Pokemon Go phenomenon is sweeping the globe. It’s not too late to get on the cool train for earth’s next big thing. Go to the app store on your phone and download Pokemon Go. Don’t worry it’s free. While it installs, read this guide to hit the ground running and not act like a total noob. Even if you don’t ever want to play, listen up so you can seem in touch around your coworkers and family. Now, who’s ready to catch ’em all?

 

Getting Started

Sign your privacy rights away and agree to the terms of service, then create your avatar. The game will start and you will find one of the three starting pokemon in your area. Feel free to grab it and move on. If you want to start with franchise favorite, Pikachu, then run away from the first few encounters and you will run into that yellow heartbreaker.

 

You can’t compete at the gyms until you are level 5, so spend that early time collecting as many different pokemon as possible. It will help you level-up quick. Maybe use your incense to attract pokemon to your location. You start with 2 incense in your inventory. Make sure to hit local pokespot. Spin the disk to get free items.

 

Catching Pokemon

charmander

 

When you meet a wild pokemon, the first thing you need to do is breathe. Then take out a pokeball and give it the perfect throw. You need to use some arc. Like a NBA jump shooter. Think Ray Allen or Klay Thompson. I prefer my pointer finger over a thumb. You need that delicate touch. Higher CP (Combat Power) pokemon are harder to snare so your approach becomes important. Hold your finger on the pokeball and targeting rings will appear on your prey. When the ring closes in, toss the ball. This is the key to landing rare gems. Treats will also help but you already knew that.

 

Expert Tips

Be carful how you allocate your upgrade resources. You could dump all your stardust into one pokemon only to find catch one of the same variety with a higher CP. Lesson here is just don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Speaking of eggs, only when the app is open will steps be counted toward your total needed for hatching. No way to speed up incubation other than getting out and walking.

 

Be aware of your surroundings. Don’t hunt and drive. Don’t walk into traffic. And generally, just pay attention. Armed thugs in Missouri used a pokestop to rob unsuspecting players who showed up. The app uses your live GPS location which is awesome and kind of scary.

 

pokemon go map

 

Closing Thoughts

I love the augmented reality, or AR. The animation overlaid on the camera view is revolutionary. It’s the best part of Pokemon Go. In a few short days, the world got used to AR, all while increasing Nintendo’s stock $9 billion dollars. The future of gaming is here and we are never going back. I don’t think many understand but we just broke through a big barrier. Congrats world.

 

Also, I love how this little program is making folks get up and get active. Not since Tinder has there been an app that has truly touched people. That’s a small victory but I’ll take it.

 

I wanna be the very best.

 

 


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