Roger Pretzel’s Review ‘N Brew: Week 13

Written by :
Published on : December 11, 2015

 

In this little corner Roger Pretzel will review his favorite play of the week along with a thoughtful review of what beverage he was imbibing at the time. This is Review ‘N Brew!

 

 

 

 

Week 13: Jameis Winston Runs, Fumbles, Recovers Own Fumble, and Clod-Hops For a First Down

It wasn’t the prettiest thing but it got the job done.

 

VIDEO: HERE

 

You know how they have that “World’s Ugliest Dog” contest every year? It’s weird, and it’s fun, and when the nastiest pooch is crowned, one feels a distinct sense of admiration for the winner. There can be a strange beauty in ugliness and that is exactly what this NFL play is all about.

The decision to run by Winston is calculated desperation on 3rd and 19. He’s hoping to escape the pocket and find someone open downfield, but with grass in front of him, why not go for it and try to reach field goal range? Winston achieves said goal just before he’s creamed by two falcons defensemen, one in front, and one in back. The ball comes loose, and from the tape it looks like Winston has to recover his own fumble by wrenching it free from the pile.

That’s when all that gorgeous ugly comes into play as Winston spins right and with the awkward, wobbly steps of a newborn faun churns it past the marker. His knee never goes down and his goofy run to a big first down is as amusing as it is impressive.

 

 

Week 13: Bizarre and Nasty Dranks From Around the World

 

The world is a wonderful and horrible place, and getting loaded doesn’t end with a can of Bud and a shot of Early Times. Let’s expand our horizons and get turnt up in some of the wackier ways humanity has come up with.

 

Kumis

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I don’t usually think of fermented horse milk when I think of party, but that’s how some folks in the steppes get down. It’s kind of like that yogurt drink kefir, but with booze. Buzzkill warning: Kumis only has a tiny amount of alcohol in it, a measly 0.7 to 2.5% ABV. So if you want to get twisted, you’re gonna have to try the gallon/hour milk challenge with this potion.

 

Chicha

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This one doesn’t sound too weird at first since it’s essentially beer made from corn or cassava. One method of making it is similar to regular old beer production: you germinate the corn to get some malt, boil up a wort, and then let that bad boy ferment. No biggie. The other way’s a little gnarlier. This more traditional method of achieving a similar chemical change in the corn involves chewing the hell out of it in your mouth and spitting out chunks of the stuff to dry before fermenting. Irresistible!

 

Pruno (AKA Prison Wine)

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I’ve never been in the pokey, and as long as nobody discovers the bodies buried in my backyard, it’ll probably stay that way. But if it ever comes to it, and I’m allowed to watch the Detroit Lions lose from prison, at least I’ll have this salve to balm my wounds. The ingredients are basically some peeled fruit, fruit cocktail, and a hell of a lot of sugar. The best part is that you add ketchup at a certain point in the fermentation process to nourish the yeasts with vitamin C and more sugar.

Anybody got a spare plastic bag I can borrow?

 

Sourtoe Cocktail

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Apparently you can go to a joint called the Sourdough Saloon way up in the Yukon and order the “sourtoe cocktail.” Traditionally the drink is an amputated salt-cured human toe in a glass of champagne, though it appears these days that a shot of liquor is the more popular medium. Once you throw back the drink the toe is returned to its preservatives and reused for each successive drink. Unsurprisingly over the years a few folks have accidentally (or not) swallowed the toe along with their beverage. But be warned, doing so comes with a $2,500 fine.

It’s a fun little local challenge that comes with the steadfast rule: “You can drink it fast, you can drink it slow – but the lips have gotta touch the toe.” I’m a pretty depraved dude, but this one grosses even me out something powerful.

 

Snake Wine

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Compared to spit-corn beer and horsey drank, snake wine doesn’t seem that unusual. You just kill a beautiful creature and preserve it in either rice wine or grain alcohol, and voila, ancient Chinese medicine! I add this one last however, because this is the only bevie on the list that I have actually drank.

The bottle I tasted from also had a scorpion floating around in it, and was decidedly of the grain alcohol variant. Unsurprisingly, it burned the crap out of my mouth and left my tongue with a truly revolting flavor that would just not quit. It’s hard to describe, but it was a heavy, musky, taste, akin to what I would imagine roast rat or pickled muskrat to taste like.

I certainly didn’t feel any healthier after drinking it, that’s for sure.

 

 


Roger Pretzel’s Review ‘N Brew: Weeks 11 and 12

Written by :
Published on : December 4, 2015

 

All right gang, this week you get a two’fer seeing as how I take off the entire week of Thanksgiving every year come hell or high water. After the belt is loosened, the naps slept, and the leftovers properly sandwiched, I’ve got fat reserves a-go-go to bring you the greatest plays from the NFL’s weeks 11 and 12, respectively.

 

 

Week 11: Matt Hasselbeck Flips to Ahmad Bradshaw for 7 Yard TD

Bradshaw for the TD!

 

VIDEO: HERE

 

If you’re gonna pull a comeback it needs to start somewhere. This time, the Colts three point victory over the Falcons got off the ground thanks to an old familiar face. Ahmad Bradshaw turns to Hasselbeck, as the replacement QB is about to get run-over under pressure, and catches the quick shovel pass. It ain’t too difficult for Bradshaw to take it seven yards to the house with two big blockers and a lot of green in front of him.

 

It certainly doesn’t look like a planned screen to me, and regardless whether or not it was, it took some quick reflexes and smarts on the part of both Hasselbeck and Bradshaw to pull it off. If Bradshaw can remain a viable back, it certainly takes some pressure off fellow old-timer Frank Gore, and would give the Colts a more successful running game down the stretch.

 

 

Week 12: Chris Ivory Refuses to Be Tackled

He won’t be stopped!

 

VIDEO: HERE

 

Chris Ivory has always been a beastly downhill runner, and he really lives up to his rep with this diehard effort. The play doesn’t look great to start as Dolphins linebacker Neville Hewitt bolts through a hole in the line, but Ivory manages to elude Hewitt, making him whiff on the tackle. Ivory gains a few, and by all rights should be stopped as the Jets back runs afoul of three linemen attacking from three different directions. Inexplicably Ivory twists out of this and gets free. Throw in one more missed tackle by linebacker Kelvin Sheppard and you’ve got a Review ‘N Brew worthy highlight on your hands.

 

Of course Ivory deserves all the credit and respect on the play, but there’s something troubling in the listlessness shown by a defense that some thought would be an elite squad at the beginning of the season…

 

 

Weeks 11 and 12: A Ceramic Mug of Congealed Turkey Gravy Melted in the Microwave

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Another sweet sweet Lions win in the books, and a blowout on Thanksgiving to boot! Every bite of turkey tasted like an eagle, and every mouthful of fluffy mashed potatoes like Chip Kelly’s fragile dreams. That night I gave thanks to Calvin Johnson, Golden Tate, Matthew Stafford, and especially Ziggy Ansah. There was even room in my heart for Joique Bell and Stephen Tulloch. Commensurate to the room in my belly for pumpkin pie (whipped cream, please.)

 

On Thanksgiving, that most pigskin friendly of holidays, I ate and drank my fill. Fine wines and side dishes, brewskies and desserts: all traveled merrily down my gullet as I celebrated with friends and family. I didn’t want it to end. I never want Thanksgiving to end.

 

One of Calvin’s three touchdowns on Thanksgiving

 

That night I couldn’t sleep, as I was unsurprisingly afflicted with indigestion. I crept downstairs and watched highlights from the day’s games. Poor Tony Romo. Bears win at Lambeau! I opened the fridge, but I wasn’t hungry. I was now possessed by either the spirit of the holiday, or by the ghost of a vengeful Native American exiled from his homeland after lending a helping hand to the pale-faced new arrivals.

 

I pulled a tupperware of gravy from the fridge and a spoon from the drawer. The cold gravy, once so warm and velvety, had now become the texture of jelly as the turkey grease congealed around the flour and mushroom chunks. This wouldn’t do. Not one bit. I looked for an appropriate receptacle and came upon a ceramic coffee mug. Inspired, I started spooning gobbet after gobbet of the meat slurry into the cup. 30 microwavable seconds later the gravy had returned to its former glory, with the mushrooms proudly floating atop my beautiful brown elixir. The aroma of rendered fowl fat was intoxicating.

 

I drank and I drank. I sucked up that damned gravy in one go. Sated, I hit replay on the day’s Lions highlights, smiling with joy between grimaces brought on by chest pains. Tomorrow would be a rough one, but right now everything was just as it should be.

 

 


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