We step into the Octagon once again to determine who has the quickest set of wheels in town. Brian O’Conner (Paul Walker) and the Fast crew rock the hottest whips and always drive full-throttle. But their opponent is the Bandit (Burt Reynolds), plus the help of Smokey and the seemingly endless supply of community assistance. The Bandit is the original automotive badass. I mean, the Duke boys are fun, but the Bandit is the stuff of legend. How many 1977 Pontiac Firebird Trans Ams did they sell after that movie? Let’s kick the tires and start the fires on this redline showdown.
The Bandit can really fly, but the hyper-modern tech of his opponents gives them the edge. I mean, the nitrous tanks are literal speed boosts. Like, you you hit triangle on the playstation controller and you go lightspeed. The movies never really talk about it, but nitrous is really bad for your car. It’s like automative cocaine. Sure, it feels great, but it’s terrible for your insides. But it does make you burn faster, and that will push them past the Bandit. I’m sure Burt Reynolds has done his fair share of drugs, but that can’t help him now.
All that torque and power means nothing if you can’t wrangle those horses. Which team has the best grip on the wheel? This one goes to the the Bandit. He pulls off crazy maneuvers and laughs the whole time. Total ice water for blood. This ever cool under the collar attitude is essential for long term success at high RPMs. Plus the Bandit does most of his insane driving with Sally Field sitting shotgun and chatting the whole time. You try going 120 mph while your girlfriend talks your ear off.
It’s Nitrous vs Mustache. A matchup as old as time. It’s David and Goliath on wheels. O’Connor flies off the line and builds a serious lead. Bandit waits while his lady takes a pee behind a tree then takes an off-road shortcut to catch up. They are back to neck and neck after a drifting mishap on Tokyo Boulevard. O’Conner hits the NOS and blasts ahead. Bandit hops on the radio and calls for backup. Just then, a dump truck full of bowling balls pulls up and unloads right in the path of team Fast. O’Connor hits the breaks and Bandit steals the lead for good. He tips his hat to the driver of the dump truck. It’s four women in bikinis. Game Over. WINNER BANDIT.
Acceleration is nothing without style. The Fast crew is fast but it’s too serious. Racing is fun and for the people. You don’t need to be an athlete to race. The Bandit is the local hero, so he will always win in any race in America. Maybe if we moved the contest to Europe or Asia then Paul Walker could stand a chance.