SBS Octagon: The Fast and the Furious vs Smokey and the Bandit

Written by :
Published on : June 11, 2016

 

 

We step into the Octagon once again to determine who has the quickest set of wheels in town. Brian O’Conner (Paul Walker) and the Fast crew rock the hottest whips and always drive full-throttle. But their opponent is the Bandit (Burt Reynolds), plus the help of Smokey and the seemingly endless supply of community assistance. The Bandit is the original automotive badass. I mean, the Duke boys are fun, but the Bandit is the stuff of legend. How many 1977 Pontiac Firebird Trans Ams did they sell after that movie? Let’s kick the tires and start the fires on this redline showdown.

 

Top Speed

The Bandit can really fly, but the hyper-modern tech of his opponents gives them the edge. I mean, the nitrous tanks are literal speed boosts. Like, you you hit triangle on the playstation controller and you go lightspeed. The movies never really talk about it, but nitrous is really bad for your car. It’s like automative cocaine. Sure, it feels great, but it’s terrible for your insides. But it does make you burn faster, and that will push them past the Bandit. I’m sure Burt Reynolds has done his fair share of drugs, but that can’t help him now.

 

fast and furious

 

Handling

All that torque and power means nothing if you can’t wrangle those horses. Which team has the best grip on the wheel? This one goes to the the Bandit. He pulls off crazy maneuvers and laughs the whole time. Total ice water for blood. This ever cool under the collar attitude is essential for long term success at high RPMs. Plus the Bandit does most of his insane driving with Sally Field sitting shotgun and chatting the whole time. You try going 120 mph while your girlfriend talks your ear off.

 

Who wins?

It’s Nitrous vs Mustache. A matchup as old as time. It’s David and Goliath on wheels. O’Connor flies off the line and builds a serious lead. Bandit waits while his lady takes a pee behind a tree then takes an off-road shortcut to catch up. They are back to neck and neck after a drifting mishap on Tokyo Boulevard. O’Conner hits the NOS and blasts ahead. Bandit hops on the radio and calls for backup. Just then, a dump truck full of bowling balls pulls up and unloads right in the path of team Fast. O’Connor hits the breaks and Bandit steals the lead for good. He tips his hat to the driver of the dump truck. It’s four women in bikinis. Game Over. WINNER BANDIT.

 

bandit 2

 

Acceleration is nothing without style. The Fast crew is fast but it’s too serious. Racing is fun and for the people. You don’t need to be an athlete to race. The Bandit is the local hero, so he will always win in any race in America. Maybe if we moved the contest to Europe or Asia then Paul Walker could stand a chance.

 

Diesel.

 

 


What Sport best fits each Presidential Candidate?

Written by :
Published on : March 15, 2016

 

 

These days, you can’t even open facebook without getting an eyeful of intense political debate. There is no escaping it. The whole reason I’m on FB is so I don’t have to think about anything serious. Well, if we can’t hide from it then we better get educated quick so we can correct our less intelligent family and friends before they go on their next tangent. Below, I paired each presidential candidate with a sport as a quick cheat sheet so you can keep track of them and their wacky opinions. I hope this helps. And please remember to go out and vote.

 

Ted Cruz

Nobody likes Ted Cruz. Not even his own family. So what is a sport that no one likes? That’s tough, I love most sports. I wanted to say bull fighting, because we look down on that in our country but that still seems too cool for Cruz. Ted Cruz is more like big game hunting but if he only hunted endangered species. Like killing the last white rhino or bigfoot, with a rocket launcher, from a helicopter, in some rich guy resort. Yuck.

 

Bernie Sanders

bernie ball

 

Bernie is baseball. They have both been around forever and both have a very clear idea of how things should go. Also, Larry David played George Steinbrenner on Seinfeld and sounds just like Bernie, so there’s that. Some folks talk about the purity of the game and that’s Sanders. He is the last of his kind as a straight-shooting leader who cares about the little guy. That’s the old spirit of baseball. America’s pastime. Bernie is a throw back to a time passed when America had a strong middle class. Boom politics. Feel the bern.

 

John Kasich

Kasich is Major League Soccer. Respected, with some dedicated followers, but generally speaking, nobody really cares. The sport is growing and getting better but it still has far to go before taking all of America’s attention. Sorry John/MLS, maybe next time. But you played hard. Get yourself a Gatorade. I lean blue but maybe you are more of a red guy.

 

Hillary Clinton

hillary

 

NASCAR. And I know there probably isn’t much overlap between Hillary supporters and racing fans but I picked stock cars for Hillary because of the corporate sponsorship. This lady has some huge companies backing her and those sweet jumpsuits would let everyone know who is picking up the check on this expensive campaign. Clinton has lots of top level experience but is very much a traditional politician in the Washington insider sense. That all means that she is going to keep driving the country in the same manner it’s always been driven. Not the most progressive option but a steady hand on the wheel. Plus she has Bill Clinton as her crew chief.

 

Marco Rubio

Marco Polo? Rubix Cube? Maybe something from Florida. Gator wrestling? Swamp boat racing? Jesus, I don’t know. I guess that means I’m out of touch, but worse that, I know so little about Rubio. Let’s just pick a sport. Okay, let’s say hockey, no, basketball. There is a joke here about LeBron and something about “taking my talents to South Beach”. Give me a minute and I’ll think of something better.

 

Donald Trump

trumpfootball

 

Trump is the NFL. Giant, rich and seemingly untouchable. Every scandal that rears its head should slow the beast down but for some reason it just makes it more powerful. Some of your college educated friends can’t see the fun in the blunt crudeness, while the true fans can’t look away for even a second. The league continues to erect billion dollar buildings and push forward past all the negative talk about concussions, domestic abuse and drug use. Trump/NFL is a self serving PR machine that cannot be stopped.

 

 

Was your favorite sport listed? Then that’s your candidate. Or I guess you could read up on everyone’s policies and make your own decision. Either way. Honestly, this is a competition we should all be paying attention to. We are at a critical juncture as a modern nation and the next leader can make a big difference. So please, stay educated and participate.

 

Rock the vote.

 

 


How To Fix NASCAR

Written by :
Published on : February 28, 2016

 

 

Denny Hamlin just won the Daytona 500 by the slimmest margin ever. Sounds like it was a good race. Only problem is that I didn’t watch because I’m not much of a racing fan. I’ve made a few attempts to get into it but it never sticks. The crashes are cool (if no one dies) but I don’t want to be one of those casual fans who is only looking for blood. What can we do to help the sport reach more people? Here are a few thoughts on how to fix NASCAR.

 

Change the track

For many folks, watching a bunch of cars make all left turns for 500 laps isn’t the most thrilling. What if each track had a different layout? More like Mario Kart. Maybe the Brickyard is now a figure eight or something crazy with a tunnel. Then we could really see the talent of the driver. Make each raceway more like a pro baseball park. Those places are all unique and have different attributes. This will also make the season more interesting as the races move from place to place. The change will create more separation between the drivers and make for some excellent racing moments. More importantly, we get to see these pro drivers make some right turns.

 

Add some new events

 

If diehards don’t want to change the track then let’s add some fresh new events to the Sprint Cup series. Like we add parallel parking. I’d love to see Jimmie Johnson try to wedge is number 48 car between an SUV and a Trader Joe’s dumpster. Winner gets points toward the Sprint Cup. Or maybe when teams come in for time trails they do the lap backwards. Make this determine pole position. Really, I just want to see the drivers use the full gear box. Park and Reverse need love too.

 

Go totally crazy

Add bananas and red shells from Mario Kart. Make everyone switch to a Toyota Prius and make the driver pump their own gas and change their own tires. Add traffic and potholes. Maybe they have to chug a beer every 100 laps. Wait, that could be dangerous. Do not drink and drive. Do throw banana peels at other motorists. What if NASCAR gave drivers cell phones and they had to send a text if they needed to pit? Or there was a drive-thru they had to visit (good spot for a corporate sponsor) and the driver must finish the meal while driving. You know, like we all do. Granted we don’t do it at 220 mph but then maybe they have to slow down a bit. You eat your fries and burger then you can go fast again. Or they have a really, really hot cup of coffee (more sponsorship) they have to drink while driving. Try not to spill.

 

mario kart

 

I’m sure any normal race fan hates all these suggestions. That’s fair, because they like racing already. I’m trying to add stuff that will draw more eyes. Maybe we just need a second, more fun NASCAR league. With celebrity drivers. Let’s call it BADASSCAR. That’s not great. Don’t judge the new league just on that. Instead judge it on Guy Fieri driving his nacho cheese colored number 69 car as it tears through candy cane lane. Wait, I think I just invented Wacky Races.

 

If you’re not fast, you’re last.

 

 


100 Greatest Joe’s in the History of Sports

Written by :
Published on : October 5, 2015

 

 

In honor of ScoreBoredSports’ 100th post we bring you a list of the 100 Greatest Joe’s in all of sports, past and present. This list will cover any variation of the name Joe. So names like Jo, Joey, Joseph, Jose are all fair game. Also accepted is any compound name using Joe and a hyphen. These ain’t your average Joe’s, these men and women dominate in their fields and have influence on the game. This isn’t just about who won the most, this is about who had control of the narrative. Don’t view this as a ranking but a guest list to the coolest party in town. Without further ado, here is your top 100 Joe’s.

 

100. Joey Harrington – NFL Quarterback

99. Joe Buck – NFL Announcer

98. Jose Calderon – NBA Point Guard

97. Big Joe Fauria – NFL Tight End

96. Joakim Noah – NBA Center

The hair, the intensity, what’s not to love? And yes, Joakim counts as a Joe.

 

95. Joe Johnson – NBA Shooting Guard/Small Forward

94. Joseph Young – NBA Guard

93. Jose Valverde – MLB Pitcher

92. Ronda Jo Miller – WNBA Forward

91. Jose Iglesias – MLB Short Stop

90. Shalrie Joseph – Soccer Defensive Midfielder

89. Jose Mourinho – Soccer Coach

This little Napoleon looks and is terrifying.

 

88. Joseph Randle – NFL Running Back

87. Joe Lombardi – NFL Offensive Cordinator

86. Joe Hart – Soccer Goalie

85. José María Olazábal – Golfer

84. J. C. Tretter (Joseph Carl) – NFL Center

83. Joe Bruin – UCLA Mascot

Only Mascot to make the list. This bear has real personality.

 

82. Joe Wieland – MLB Pitcher

81. Joe DeLoach – Sprinter

80. Josephine Chukwunonye – Tennis

79. Joey Votto – MLB First Base

78. Jose Canseco – MLB Outfielder

This hunk of beef. Remember when the ball bounced off his head for a Home Run? I do.

 

77. Joe Allen – Soccer Midfielder

76. Joseph Carr – Former President of the NFL

75. Joe DeLamielleure – NFL Guard

74. Joe Morgan MLB Manager

73. Joe Guyon – NFL Halfback

72. Joe Perry – NFL Fullback

71. Joe Lynch – Boxer

70. Joe Stydahar – NFL Tackle

69. Joe Haden – NFL Cornerback

One of the best CB’s in the league. He plays in Cleveland and doesn’t suck. That’s not easy.

 

68. Joe Maur – MLB Catcher/First Base

67. Joseph Fulks – NBA Small Forward

66. Joseph Lapchick – NBA Center

65. Jo Jo White – NBA Point Guard

64. Joe Vitale – NHL Center

63. Johnathan Joseph – NFL Cornerback

62. Joe Thornton  – NHL Center

I really don’t like this guy but his beard is epic, almost wizard status.

 

61. Joe Cronin – MLB Shortstop/Manager

60. Joe Malone – NHL Center

59. Joe Hall – NHL Defensemen

58. Joe Primeau – NHL Center

57. Joe Philbin – NFL Coach

56. Joe Nieuwendyk – NHL Center

55. Joe Garagiola – MLB Catcher

54. Joe Weatherly – NASCAR Driver

53. Joe Lee Johnson – NASCAR Driver

This guy drives faster and better than you. All while wearing white pants.

 

52. Joe Kelley – MLB Left Fielder/Manager

51. Jose Reyes – MLB Shortstop

50. Joe Tinker – MLB Shortstop

49. Joe Medwick – MLB Left Fielder

48. Joe Mihalic – NASCAR Driver

47. Joe Sewell – MLB Shortstop/Third Base

46. Jose Altuve – MLB Second Base

Of the many Venezuelan studs taking over baseball. Better learn Spanish, cause he is here to stay.

 

45. Joe Williams – NFL Running Back

44. Jose Mendez – Baseball Pitcher

43. Joe Gordon – MLB Second Base

42. Joseph Brennann – ABL (basketball) Guard

41. Joe Thomas – NFL Offensive Tackle

40. Joe Gibbs – NFL Coach

He has a Super Bowl ring with the Redskins and he don’t Gibb a damn.

 

39. Joe Gomez – Soccer Defender

38. Joe Choynski – Boxer

37. Barbados Joe Walcott – Boxer

36. Jersey Joe Walcott – Boxer

35. Joe Schmidt – NFL Linebacker

34. Joe Jellybean Bryant – NBA Player/Coach

33. Joe Calzaghe – Boxer

32. Joe Jeanette – Boxer

31. Jose Bautista – MLB Right Fielder

30. Joe Flacco – NFL Quarterback

Tall dude, cannon for an arm. I think he collects stamps. Seems chill.

 

29. Joe Jackson -MLB Left Fielder

28. Joe Newton – Track Coach

27. Joe Susan – NCAA Men’s Football Coach

26. Mary Joe Fernández – Tennis

25. Jo-Wilfried Tsonga – Tennis

24. Jose Villareal – Soccer Midfielder/Striker

23. Fernando (Jose) Torres  – Soccer Striker

Just your average, down to earth, super rich, futbol star.

 

22. Jose Aldo – UFC Fighter

21. Jose Fernandez – MLB Pitcher

20. Joe Gans – Boxer

19. Jose Abreu – MLB First Base

18. Joe Gibbs – Owner Joe Gibbs racing

17. Bullet Joe Simpson – NHL Defender

16. Joe Theisman – NFL Quarterback

15. Joe McGinnity – MLB Pitcher

14. Joe Rogan – UFC Announcer

That’s right, Joe Rogan. Fear Factor, Bitch!

 

13. Joe Paterno – NCAA Men’s Football Coach

12. Joe Lopes – Skateboarder

11. Joe Dumars – NBA Guard

10. Joe Fraiser – Boxer

9. Flo-Jo – Sprinter

8. Joe Sakic – NHL Center

7. Joey Crawford – NBA Referee

How long has this guy been enforcing his will on the NBA?

 

6. Joe Torre – MLB Manager

5. Joe Namath – NFL Quarterback

4. Mean Joe Greene – NFL Defensive Tackle

3. Joe DiMaggio – MLB Center Fielder

2. Joe Louis – Boxer

1. Joe Montana – NFL Quarterback

Swipe right.

 

Honorable Mention: Trader Joes, Jose Cuervo, Joe Dirt, Bazooka Joe, Mighty Joe Young, GI Joe, Joseph and his fancy dreamcoat and our very own Joe Piel.

 

Also, I know I missed a bunch of deserving athletes. So in your nicest, indoor voice, please tell me about it in the comments. Thanks again for reading and here’s to another 100 posts! Cheers!

 

 

 


The 9 Funniest Sports Movies. Ever.

Written by :
Published on : June 25, 2015

The Internet loves lists, we love sports, and everybody loves funny movies. So we felt it was only right to have a countdown of the 9 funniest sports movies of all time.

Why 9, and not 10? Because it’s my list and I can choose whichever arbitrary number pleases me.

As for the movies, these films are the greatest of their genre and they have the ability to uplift, entertain, inspire, and most importantly make people laugh. They are about the underdogs, the outcasts, the naturally gifted, the hopelessly talentless, the improbable, the odds and the defiance of those odds. If that isn’t special, I don’t know what is.

But enough talking about it, and let’s get to business. Here are my 9 Funniest Sports Movies. Ever.

The movie "Slap Shot", directed by George Roy Hill. Seen here of the Charlestown Chiefs hockey team, the Hanson Brothers. From left, David Hanson (as Jack Hanson). Steve Carlson (as Steve Hanson), Jeff Carlson (as Jeff Hanson). Initial theatrical release February 25, 1977. Screen capture. Copyright © 1977 Universal Pictures. Credit: © 1977 Universal Pictures / Courtesy: Pyxurz.

#9. Slap Shot (1977)

This hilariously violent and vulgar film stars Paul Newman as Reggie Dunlop, a player/coach with the Charlestown Chiefs, a team that just found out that local mill will be closing and 10,000 workers will be laid off.

In an attempt to save the team from a similar fate, Dunlop resorts to fighting with other teams as his go-to strategy for winning games. And it works..

By far the funniest thing in this film is the above-pictured Hanson Brothers. These spectacle wearing man-children leave more than a little to be desired when it comes to intelligence and actual game-skills, but they more than make up for it with bare-knuckled savagery. Some of the jokes in this film would have a hard time making it to screen in today P.C society but it is undeniable that this movie is still as funny as they come.

TalladegaNights_ListPiece

#8. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)

As someone who isn’t an actual fan of racing I may be way off base here, but Talladega Nights so hilariously captures the general air of white-trashiness that surrounds the world of stock car racing. Will Ferrell’s portrayal of Ricky Bobby, a lowly pit crew member who is thrust into the drivers seat and onto stardom, is as close to his Old School/Anchorman greatness as he ever got again.

Ricky comes to consider himself untouchable, only to have everything, including his hot racing groupie wife, his under-appreciated teammate and best friend Cal Naughton Jr (John C Reilly), and his badass racing skills taken from him in a flash by his own arrogance and a French Formula 1 driver named Jean Girard (Sasha Baren-Cohen).

In the end Farrell and Reilly, who just do too good a job at caricaturing the hilarious mentality of the NASCAR world, carry this movie all the way to finish line.

WhiteMenCantJump_ListPiece

#7. White Men Can’t Jump (1992)

Billy Hoyle (Woody Harrelson) is a street ball hustler who takes advantage of his non-assuming, good ol’ boy Caucasian looks in order to make the ball players of Los Angeles underestimate his game. When fate brings him together with Sidney Dean (Wesley Snipes) a working partnership, and eventually a friendship, is born. Together they set off to run the courts of LA, and make some money in the process.

There are a ton of yo-mama jokes and an almost never ending amount of overly dramatic slow-motion basketball scenes that are hilarious in their own right, if not only for the fact that they look so ridiculous.

The colors and fashion, and Rosie Perez, of this film are so perfectly 90’s. It takes me back to that era while making me laugh, and as someone whose formative years occurred in this time period, I can still remember renting this VHS from the Blockbuster video.

BadNewsBears_ListPiece

#6. The Bad News Bears (1976)

This film starring Walter Matthau created an entire genre of sports comedy that would be copied, repackaged and remade many times in the future. The Mighty Ducks, The Little Giants and The Ladybugs would all go on to copy the formula of The Bad News Bears. But none of these other films are as good as this mid-seventies classic. It’s funnier than all those movies if merely for the fact that its much more R-rated than its future, kid-friendly imitators. And sometimes that’s enough.

Matthau’s character, Morris Buttermaker, is coaxed into coaching a team made up from all the worst players of a highly competitive little league, and he inspires his team by showing up drunk to games and practices, and just generally not caring about the whole thing.

After acquiring a couple of ringers (a necessary step in any sports comedy) they make it all the way to the championship game, only to lose to the obviously better team. In the end coach Buttermaker is kind enough to make them feel better about the loss in the only way he knows how, by letting them drink his beer (something that I’m sure the Hollywood of today would never let happen on the screen).

 

HappyGilmore_ListPiece

#5. Happy Gilmore (1996)

Happy Gilmore (Adam Sandler) is an unlikely hero who has always had the dream of playing hockey. There’s just one problem, he’s not any good. He does, however, have a hell of a slap shot, which he parlays into an unlikely, but successful golf career, with a little guidance from perhaps the greatest on screen mentor ever, Chubbs Peterson (Carl Weathers).

Happy is violent. He curses and drinks. And could care less about the traditions or etiquette.

He is there to win and doesn’t care who he pisses off along the way.

Oh, and its hilarious.

For me the comedic highlight of the movie is a fight in which Bob Barker beats the hell out of Happy. Much of the humor is crude and violent, and is balanced out by golf environment that is supposed to be so refined and proper. Adam Sandler is at his peak in his first film after his debut in Billy Madison, and he would never again make a movie this great.

Kingpin_ListPiece

#4. Kingpin (1996)

Woody Harrelson stars as Roy Munson, a once promising bowling champ who loses his good hand due to the negative influence of Ernie McCracken (Bill Murray), who takes the title of sleaziest sleazeball the moment he steps on screen.

Fast forward a couple decades and Munson has developed the kind of questionable morals and bleak outlook that can only be acquired through a lifetime of disappointment and shattered dreams. Munson eventually stumbles upon Ishmael (Randy Quaid), a previously undiscovered bowling prodigy who also happens to be from Amish country. Roy’s plan is to have Ishmael bowl in a big tournament and help them both win some money.

Ishmael’s kindhearted ignorance of modern society, along with some questionable influence from Munson, creates an opportunity for both slapstick and shock humor. The journey they undertake together proves to be one of self-discovery for both Roy and Ishmael, as they learn more about themselves and the world around them.

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#3. The Sandlot (1993)

What a great film this is. Not only is it one of the funniest sports movies ever, it also happens to be one of my favorite overall movies ever. It’s just that good.

Its amazing that The Sandlot can make me feel so nostalgic despite the fact that I didn’t grow up in a small town in middle America during the 1960’s and I wasn’t in love with the game of baseball during my youth in the way that I am now (I was a football kid). There’s just something totally relatable about the kids on the sandlot that makes you feel like it have been you or me out there playing for the love of the game and nothing else. The jokes may be juvenile at times but that doesn’t make them any less funny.

This is the second baseball movie on the list, and before I re-watched Major League it was actually the first. Despite being leapfrogged by Major League, this movie makes a very strong case for being higher on the list; the fact of the matter is that Major League is just a funnier movie. With that said, I absolutely love this film and it does a great job of giving the viewer the feeling of being a kid playing sports with your friends in the summer.

MajorLeague_ListPiece

#2. Major League (1989)

This is an amazing film and would probably be at the top of most people’s list. With late 80’s/early 90’s stalwarts like Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes, Rene Russo and Tom Berenger it’s pretty easy to see how this movie was such a home run (get it?). This movie provides constant laughs and the uplifting type of story that everyone who has ever been on a bad team dreams about living out, on and off the field.

Battling against their own ineptitude and a money-hungry new owner who wants to move the entire franchise to Miami, this motley crew of players, who includes washed up veterans, ex-cons, and a voodoo practitioner, must turn themselves around and save the team. By going from laughing stock of the league to winning the division in dramatic fashion, raise attendance to levels at which the owner can’t justify moving the team.

The laughs alone are enough to raise this movie up, but the solid sports-related plot puts it in the top 3.

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#1. Caddyshack (1980)

When the idea for this list was in its earliest stages, I knew immediately which movie was at the top. Caddyshack is not only my favorite sports comedy of all time; it is also one of my favorite overall movies of all time.

Caddyshack stars three of the greatest comedians of all time: Chevy Chase, Bill Murray and Rodney Dangerfield, whose performances help create one the most genuinely funny films ever. I’m not even going to try to list some of the hysterical things in this movie; if you don’t know them off the top of your head, you need to go and watch this film right now!

This movie has all of the necessary components of an all time epic sports story. Rag-tag group of underachieving but loveable characters? High Stakes? Antagonist who you just love to hate? With of these elements there’s no better film I could think of to top this list, and for that reason, Caddyshack takes the title of the funniest sports movie ever.

 

 


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