SBS Guide to: Enjoying a Viewing Party as a Non-Sports Fan

Written by :
Published on : September 11, 2016

 

So you’ve been invited over to watch The Game, but you’re not a sports fan. Don’t worry, you can still have a great time at a sports party if you’re not a fan. If you understand the rules. Like whatever match you’re about to watch, the sport of watching sports has points, rules, fouls, even penalties so egregious that you could be tossed out for them. But don’t worry, we’ve got the rulebook you’re looking for.

 

First of all, show up at least a half hour before game time so you can get to know everyone. And so you can get some nachos before they’re gone. Also because there will be no pleasantries exchanged once the game has started. Don’t take this personally. It’s not you, it’s game frenzy; a condition that creates tunnel vision and removes personal volume control. Remember: you’re at a game party with a bunch of sports fans. You’re hanging out with them, and it’s their rules.

 

Secondly, remember your basic p’s and q’s and bring something to the party. This tells everyone that even if you’re not a fan, you’re there to have a good time. Don’t be all Guy Fieri about it either; you can never go wrong with (at least) 12 cans of domestic beer or several bags of potato chips. Or both. That’s a great first impression.

 

american-beers

 

While getting to know everyone, it’s very important that you don’t pretend to be an expert. Resist the urge to parrot somebody else’s soundbite or headline as your own opinion. Especially if you’re unfamiliar with the loyalties of The House. (Defined by the host and usually two to three of their loudest friends; every House has it’s own specific opinion on the hometeam, as unique as a fingerprint and sensitive as a hair-trigger.) So if you recycle some sport writer’s opinion that the new quarterback is gonna “tie the room together” and the House thinks he’s an overpaid bum, now you’ve branded yourself against the House. Fact: among the fiercely loyal, there are no casual opinions. Don’t make any statements you’re not willing to fight for.

 

The flipside of this is don’t ask too many questions. Nothing annoys a fan quicker than having to explain everything. This isn’t a classroom, it’s the war room. You don’t know the rules? Google it. If you’re genuinely confused about something during gameplay, okay then you can ask. But only adorable kids, old people and girls with big boobs get to ask “which color are we rooting for?” Dig?

 

If the House’s team is playing well or winning handily, then spirits will be high. High fives will fly. Nachos will get destroyed. All you need to do then is follow the cardinal rule of sports watching and never disrupt the viewing of the game. Do not block anyone’s view. Don’t beg for attention during the game. Texting is fine, phone calls are not. Conversation is for commercials. And if you’re getting up for another beer, always ask the room who wants another. That’s just polite.

 

150812_EM_NFLTVFree

 

If the House team is struggling with the lead or starting to lose, things get trickier. Fact: one cannot soar to high highs without also falling to low lows, and if the House team begins to lose you’re going to feel the temperature of the room drop to a low, chilly hostility. When the cheers turn to jeers, your best bet is to go with the flow. Everyone’s angry? Then you’re angry too. That ref made a stupid call? He’s a fucking moron. The new quarterback isn’t playing well? Send him back to Jacksonville. The host just kicked a hole in his wall? Smash that beer bottle over your head.

 

If the House’s team is losing terribly, then your job becomes keep your head down and don’t draw attention to yourself. Many sports fans are superstitious by nature, and even the most level-headed person can be thrown off by high emotions and a few gallons of beer. Anything can and will be blamed for the team’s performance, including the outcome of the coin toss or the attendance of a non-fan at the party. Fact: you do not want a roomful of angry sports fans blaming you for their misery. That’s a lot like being the dinner guest at the end of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. If that happens, run. But don’t worry, it probably won’t.

 

When the game is over, don’t leave too quickly. Take a few minutes to celebrate or commiserate with the group. Offer to clean up a little. If you have to drive, make sure that you’re sober. But don’t hang out too long, and especially if it’s during football season, do not stay for another game. An entire day spent watching sports may sound enjoyable, but it’s really for die-hards only. The non-sports fan will eventually lose interest and want to move on with their day. Hopefully you’re sober and can leave right away when that happens. If you’re not, then you’re stuck. Overstaying your welcome risks turning a fun activity into an annoying distraction. Quit while you’re ahead and go out on top.

 

 


SBS Guide to Throwing a Good Super Bowl Party

Written by :
Published on : January 18, 2016

 

We are now looking forward to the Conference Championship and that’s only a stone’s throw from the biggest game around: Super Bowl. Many will fill their favorite bar or restaurant while others will watch in solitude in their living room, but the coolest of your friends will be going to parties on Super Sunday. Now, if you have a buddy that always hosts a party then great. Ask what you can bring and take your shoes off at the door. But if you are like me, you are throwing the shindig and that can get a little tricky. So here is a guide to having one kick-ass Super Bowl party.

 

The TV

jumbotron

 

The bigger the better. I’m not normally in favor of the giant screen but you need it for the big game. Ideally, you get a projector and take up a whole wall. You need some good speakers too. This sounds expensive so open a credit card, get your stuff then return it Monday morning.

 

Seating is just as important. Don’t get lazy here. Pre set chairs, couches, bean bags, etc with good eye lines. Don’t assume everyone will figure it out come kickoff. Don’t make the rows too tight, you need easy access to re-up on snacks, drinks or for a bathroom break.

 

The Food

super-bowl party sub

 

You may have the urge to pick one thing and make a theme of it but in my experiences it’s the variety you want. So go ahead and get pizza. But also get wings, BBQ, grill burgers and dogs, make a big salad, get all the chips you can find, maybe something awesome to dip those chips in. Like chili or cheese or salsa or hummus or Nutella.

 

Don’t forget the dessert. This can just be store bought cookies, mini cupcakes, something. Bake some brownies the night before and cut them into tiny pieces. The smaller the portion, the less guilty people feel about eating them. Even if they have eight.

 

Remember, anyone not watching the game will be hovering around the food. So try and situate the grub so lots of hands can get access to it. Don’t put everything in your tiny kitchen. Or all on one counter. Get some folding tables and spread that stuff out. And don’t hide your trash can. It may not look the prettiest but you want to make it clear where refuse is supposed to go. Recycling too.

 

The Drinks

cheap beer

 

Lots of beer. Cold, American beer. Something cheap and easily consumed. Like Coors Light. No place for that fancy, microbrew shit. If you aren’t going to spring for the keg then do cans. You will have lots of empties and you don’t want to deal with all that glass. Also, other drinks should be made in plastic solo cups. No glass, no breaks, no blood. Leave a sharpie on the bar and everyone can personalize their cup.

 

As far as the bar goes, keep it simple. Get base liquors like Vodka, Whiskey, Rum. Gin if you’re British. And then a few mixers. Soda, Tonic, Coke, Sprite. Get more than you need cause you may have guests that don’t drink all together. One sober dude can kill a whole 2 liter. I’m not really a big fan of Red Bull but when you have it, people drink it and it makes you look legit. Your friends will be like “damn, he bought the 24 pack!”

 

The X-Factor

x factor

 

Non-football related activities. A good SB party will have more than a few non-sports fans. And that’s okay. Hell, it’s needed. And you need to have stuff for them to do. I suggest beer games like Pong or something like Washers, Bags (AKA Cornhole), Darts. Make sure these games are far enough away that they don’t interfere with anyone’s viewing pleasure. Please be carful with those darts. It’s also fun to make a small pool and bet on the score of the game or other similar wagers.

 

A clean bathroom with a locking door. Well stocked with toilet paper. And either matches or air freshener. No one wants to poop at another person’s house. But sometimes it needs to happen. Don’t punish your guests for it. Maybe throw a fun magazine in there or a Calvin and Hobbes book.

 

SB50Flyer

 

Follow these rules and you will be hall of fame status with all your homies. If you are in the Los Angeles area on February 7th, 2016 then you can see these teachings in action at the first ever ScoreBoredSports Super Bowl Bash. Or SBS SBB for short. More details to follow but free food, open bar, games and jokes provided by me. Warning, jokes cannot be turned off. It will be a guaranteed blast. So please wear your team gear, bring a friend and see how the big kids do it. It’s Super Bowl 50. Get hype.

 

 


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