All Joke NBA Free Agency Tracker

Written by :
Published on : July 12, 2016

 

In the wake of the trillions of dollars already spent in this madness known as NBA free agency, we bring you a satirical look at the current free agent market with our All Joke Free Agency Tracker. These are jokes people, so don’t get all butt-hurt. Well, until they come true.

 

– President Barack Obama signs with the Washington Wizards. When asked about the 4yr/$83 million contract, the small forward said “I love the city, I love the game but I told them it’s gotta be a four year deal, with an option for four more years.”

 

-Air Bud joins the New York Knicks. Listed as a power forward, how will Bud fit in with Derrick Rose, Carmelo Anthony, Joakim Noah and Kristap Porzingis? More importantly, can Air Bud stay out of legal trouble in the big city (lots of cars to chase if you know what I mean) to earn his massive 3yr/$61 million dollar contract?

 

Air_Bud_Header

 

– The Los Angeles Lakers finally get their big man of the future in Dwight Howard. But before Dwight can sign his 6yr/$153 million dollar deal, he is informed at he has already signed with the Atlanta Hawks and that he already came to LA and it didn’t work. Bummer.

 

– LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh all opt out of their deals to join the Toronto Raptors at the veteran minimum. Sources say Bosh only ever agreed to go to Miami if the Big 3 would eventually go to Toronto to finally bring home a championship to Canada. As rapper Drake requested.

 

– While at a Brooklyn Nets charity event, actor/comedian Adam Sandler is mistaken for a pro hooper because of his basketball shorts and athletic physique and offered 1yr/$8 million deal. Nets need another ball handler and scorer but Sandler is not the solution. Thankfully for the Nets, Sandler turned down the deal stating “I can take a crap in a red envelope and send it to Netflix and they pay me $80 million dollars. Shabadadooooo!” 

 

sandler hoops

 

– LeBron opts out of his Toronto deal and announces he is “coming home” to Cleveland. Again. To help restore the city back to its 2016 glory. Because in those few minutes he was gone, fans set his jerseys on fire and those flames spread downtown and destroyed most of the skyline.

 

– Reggie Miller comes out of retirement to give the Indiana Pacers another quality shooter to help star, Paul George, get into the playoffs. The offer is a reported 2yr/$17 million. After hearing details of the contract, sister Cheryl Miller works out for the Pacers and is quickly signed to a 3yr/$27 million sheet.

 

– Ice Cube had at least four teams including Golden State, Houston, Dallas and Detroit interested in him after he “messed around and got a triple double” but it has been revealed that those stats were inflated. Cube did record 21 points, 11 rebounds and 23 blocks in one game, but he was playing one-on-one with Kevin Hart. At this time no one is offering Cube a deal, other than TBS. But that’s for a family TV show.

 

cube hart

 

– Trickshot experts Dude Perfect sign with the Los Angeles Clippers. The amount is undisclosed but I’m not sure the front office understands that they are a crew of guys and not just one player. Either way, Dude Perfect should bring some much needed three point shooting and entertainment to the Clip Show.

 

– And the last thing off the Free Agency Tracker isn’t a major contract but some juicy breaking news. It is being reported that NBA analyst, Stephen A. Smith, has lost his cell phone. Please help him find it. It’s a black iphone 4S with a cracked screen and Buzz Lightyear case. He needs it for work so please help. Until it shows up, just message him on Facebook.

 

That’s all for now. Keep your ears to the hardwood for more news, gossip and bullshit from the All Joke NBA Free Agency Tracker. Who knows who will be on the move the next? Only God and Larry Bird know for sure.

 

Track, don’t stalk.

 

 


Obama and Basketball

Written by :
Published on : May 12, 2016

 

 

Next year, we will have a new Commander in Chief. Who knows who that will be? Fingers crossed it’s someone not crazy. But as we get ready to say goodbye to President Barack Obama, let’s take a second to recognize him not for his politics but for his love of the game of basketball. Everyone knows Barry-O likes to ball. His passion for sports is truly endearing and makes him seem totally down to earth. This is Obama the Baller.

 

One of my favorite modern traditions in sports is that Obama fills out an NCAA Bracket live on ESPN each year for both the Men’s and Women’s tourney. He talks out his answers for each round. It’s incredible. He is funny and charming (duh) but more importantly, he knows the teams well. I’m always impressed at how much info he has on each squad. He is quick to admit that he wishes he could watch more and that he makes choices based on coaches and programs he likes, but still. This dude is epic busy but somehow stays more current on college basketball than most people I know. Maybe his people give him updated reports on the Big Ten and the ACC daily? Either way, he is informed and any fan can appreciate that.

 

obama ball 2

 

Barack regularly plays basketball. This is the best way to show what you are into. Go out there and start sweating. Obama has some game. He passes well and has good court vision. His jumper is effective and he always gets back on defense. More of a pass-first player. Some words of advice if you are playing against Obama. First, make him go right. He is a lefty. Also, don’t foul him. If you go in for a hard block then expect Secret Service to take you out. And you get Secret Service protection for life so don’t ever foul him.

 

Many different Presidents have left their athletic thumbprint on history. 1869, Grant invites members of the Cincinnati Red Stocking to the White House. Gerald Ford played football at Michigan and helped them go undefeated and win national titles in 1932 and 1933. In 1942, FDR famously responded to the commissioner of baseball, saying to keep the league going despite the war. 1947, the White House added a bowling alley but Truman wasn’t much of a bowler. In 1969, Nixon and the first Lady built a new bowling alley. They were big fans. And now we have Obama and basketball.

 

nixon bowling

 

Hey Nixon! Your foot is over the line. That’s a fault. Mark it zero dude. Sorry. Our next President has some big Jordans to fill. I don’t think they will be a hoops fan but I hope there is some sport they are passionate about. It’s a good way to get to know someone better. When I see a celeb a courtside it makes me think they are just like me but with money for better seats. We are all just fans. It’s a humbling concept. Even the the leader of the free world gets excited meeting Steph Curry. I sleep better at night knowing that.

 

 

We’re going to miss you Barack Obama. One of the best point guards this country has ever had. With your new free time, I hope you get to watch all the basketball your heart desires. And if, for some crazy reason, you are reading this then I challenge you to a game of H-O-R-S-E anywhere in the world. Also, I will need a ride. So maybe next time you are in Los Angeles. Okay, love you, bye.

 

Ballin.

 

 


Baseball, Obama, and why I think the visit to Cuba matters

Written by :
Published on : March 23, 2016

 

As you know by now, President Barack Obama and his family made a historic trip to Cuba earlier this week. It was the first time in 88 years that a sitting U.S. president set foot on Cuban soil, and it has been met with mixed feelings by those here in the United States. Most people in the U.S. don’t have the personal connection that some of us of Cuban decent have with this whole issue. So by and large, they view this as a good thing. And I understand that. It’s a situation that they don’t fully understand and for them it’s just a forbidden fruit 90 miles from the shore of Key West. But for those of us whose families had to fight and struggle to escape the island, the opinions on the trip are varied and most of them are not positive.

 

Dan Le Batard is an ESPN personality and sports writer for the Miami Herald, and his family is from Cuba. He resides in South Florida and like most people of Cuban decent in that area of the country, he has a strong sense of pride in his heritage and staunch anti-Castro feelings. He raised some valid questions regarding the Obama visit to Cuba and what the potential positive impact of an exhibition match between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Cuban National Team can possibly be. You can view the video here:

 

 

As someone who grew up hearing about the horrors of the Castro-led revolution and grave injustices brought down upon those who did not adhere to the dogma of the communist dictatorship, I can sympathize deeply with what Dan is talking about. But where he has trouble seeing what the positive impact can be, I can see the benefits.

 

I agree that the President of Cuba, Raul Castro and his brother, Fidel, committed many crimes during their 57 years in power. And I by no means condone the imprisonment of political dissidents and silencing of opposition that goes on to this very day. But the fact of the matter is the Cold War is over and for more than a half a century we have isolated the nation, with no benefit to the Cuban exile community or the people still on the island. If anything, our policy of isolation has given the regime in Cuba a scapegoat for the country’s problems that has helped them pull the wool over the eyes of Cuban citizens and perpetuate the system of intolerance and party-led corruption.

 

 

The loudest voices in Miami have always stated that any business between ourselves and Cuba would only help to prop up the regime by putting more money in their pockets. They have said that lifting the embargo and normalizing relations would give legitimacy to the communist government and further entrench their position over the Cuban people. But I ask, could the communist government really be any more entrenched than it already is? The embargo has done nothing but hurt the citizens of Cuba and make the pickings so slim that only high ranking party officials are able to enjoy simple pleasures. Aside from North Korea, Cuba is really the only communist nation to withstand the fall of the Soviet Union and our sanctions and chastising has done nothing to change that. I feel that the best bet for real democratic change on the island comes from the type of of cultural exchanges that we saw with the exhibition baseball match.

 

Before the revolution, Cuba and the United States had very strong ties. We are neighbors after all. Hell, baseball is both of our national pastimes. But it has been so long that people on both sides don’t really know much about each other anymore. I believe that by normalizing relations and lifting the economic embargo, we have the opportunity to show the Cuban people a different way of life that they haven’t known for a very long time. Once they meet more Americans, they will have a chance to see that democracy and capitalism aren’t necessarily the evil drain on society that they have been taught. They can see that there is a way for their brand of socialism to co-exist and perhaps even thrive along side free elections and a more open, sensible economy. President Obama’s trip has already yielded an agreement for Google to expand internet connection and wifi in Cuba, and if the Arab Spring taught us anything, it’s that the internet can help people band together to overthrow a dictatorship.

 

 

As Cuba becomes more connected to the outside world, it’s people can decide for themselves what the best way forward is. I know the exile community is bitter about all that was lost when they were forced to leave. Their businesses, their homes, their families. I feel for them, my family lost a lot too. But we can’t live in the past any longer. It’s time to reconnect with the place that is so close but seems so far away. And I think this baseball game, with Obama and Castro sitting next to each other enjoying something that so many of us, Cuban and American alike, enjoy is the first step in a long process. Baseball can help reunite the American people with those of Cuba, and as we restore our old friendship, we can help show Cubans a new way. But it has to be done together.

 

I will be going to Cuba for my first time next month. It will be the first time my mother has set foot in her homeland in more than 30 years. It will be hard, and emotional, and wonderful. Hopefully, it will be the first of many trips to the land of my ancestors and while I’m there, you can bet I’ll be trying to see some pelota and experience the game I love in a land I love so much but have yet behold with my own eyes and ears. Stay tuned…

 

 


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