Blackout Bruno’s NFL Picks for Super Bowl 51

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Published on : February 2, 2017

 

 

The stage is all set for Super Bowl 51. Once again, the New England Patriots will head back to the biggest game in football with the hopes of adding even more to their wall of fame. While the Atlanta Falcons are only in their second SB ever and they are seeking their first win. I went 1-1 in the Conference Championship games. I had the Packers beating the Falcons but I’ll gladly take the loss in my silly picks record if it means Aaron Rodgers’ season is over. So far in the playoffs, my record is 7-3. Only one guess left. Let’s blend a pitcher of margaritas and dive into the NFL’s premiere event. Here is my pick for the Super Bowl.

 

New England Patriots vs Atlanta Falcons

As I’ve done all year, the picks are about who I think is going to win, not who I like. Those two things rarely line up. I don’t dislike New England, in fact I like Tom Brady but I’m just so tired of seeing them win. I’m rooting for Atlanta all the way, I very much hope they win. It’s better for the game if some new teams bring home the Lombardi Trophy.

 

 

I loved the way the Falcons dismantled the Packers. They did it so soundly and completely, it was a work of art. Matt Ryan to Julio Jones seems like the most dangerous combo around. Plus the way running backs Tevin Coleman and Devonta Freeman both catch and run, allows Atlanta to keep drives moving. Which normally leads to lots of points. The Falcons are an indoor team and they will enjoy the dome in Houston and look to keep up their blistering pace on offense. On defense, they have played some solid bend don’t break football and seem to generate enough turnovers to close out games. This is looking like it could be an epic Super Bowl 51.

 

On the New England side of the conversation, it’s just hard to bet against them. They are so modular and they do exactly what they need to. Every time. In many ways, Matt Ryan and company have copied some of the way the Pats move the chains. The use of the versatile backs to spread out the defense to later attack down field. Nothing super revolutionary, but these are squads executing it perfectly. Looking at the offensive roster, I’d give the talent edge to Atlanta but that doesn’t mean anything because Tom Brady can beat you with anyone. He’ll make WR Chris Hogan look like a Hall of Famer if he needs to.

 

 

Looking head-to-head, it seems fairly evenly matched. And if that’s the case then I have to say Patriots. They have the experience, they know what it takes to win a Super Bowl and if they get the ball at the end of the game, look for some vintage Brady as he leads his troops down for the game-winning score.

Winner: New England

 

Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait for the big showdown in Houston but it always comes with just a hint of sadness. This is because I know the NFL season is over and football will go into hibernation until it’s time for the draft. So enjoy the Super Bowl and let’s pray it’s a close contest. Don’t forget the guacamole either.

 

Parade.

 

 


Blackout Bruno’s NFL Conference Championship Picks

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Published on : January 19, 2017

 

 

Hot damn. Things are really heating up. I went 3-1 in the Wild Card round pick and another 3-1 in the Divisional round. I’ll call that good not great. Like Jack and Coke level good. Either way, we are finally seeing some quality football. Let’s hope that continues in the Conference Championships. Let’s pour ourselves into both the AFC and NFC matchups for this installment of Blackout Bruno’s NFL Conference Championship picks.

 

Before I choose winners. Let’s take a shot. Of knowledge. The four remaining franchises are some of the most successful teams in history. If you minus the Falcons (who have only gone to one Super Bowl and they lost) the other three teams have a combined 14 Super Bowl wins in 21 appearances. Steelers have 6 wins and Packers and Pats both have 4. Chances are, some already super successful owner is adding to their trophy case. The rich get richer.

 

Green Bay Packers at Atlanta Falcons

Matt Ryan has his squad in great position. They are playing inside, on their home turf, where they normally light up the scoreboard. Their defense is underrated but good at both getting pressure and taking the ball away. Plus Matty Ice was bounced out of the Divisional round by the Pack back in 2010 and you know he would love pay back the favor. On the other side, you have Aaron Rodgers. Give this dude an inch and he will burn you. I really want to see the Falcons win but somehow the Packers pull another win out of their cheesy asses.

Winner: Green Bay

 

Pittsburgh Steelers at New England Patriots

 

I had the Chiefs playing here in my last set of picks. Bravo to the Steelers who won a tough game on the road. Pittsburgh has all the tools to beat New England but it is going to take their all. Perfect play in all three phases. That’s the only way to kill a monster. You have to be thorough and diligent. On the Pats end, they are the modular system where they become their enemy’s worst nightmare. Tom Brady will have his crew fired up and they win a thriller.

Winner: New England

 

The Super Bowl is in Houston. Very much neutral field. I can’t wait. I’ll be in New Orleans for the big game. Why? Because NOLA rules and you can drink in the street. This will be my third trip there in less than 12 months. Maybe I should buy a house in the city? If you are not natives of Pennsylvania, Wisconsin or New England then you should be rooting for Atlanta. Let someone else win for once.

 

Go Falcons.

 

 


Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon Divisional Playoffs: Matt Ryan Finds Devonta Freeman For Huge Gain

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Published on : January 18, 2017

 

Welcome back to Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon. In this spooky sanctum, I’ve poured over all the replay tape to come up with my favorite NFL play of the week. Then it’s straight back to the projector to unspool a film you may have not been aware of…

 

The lights have dimmed, the knives are sharpened, and horrors lurk amongst the shadows.

 

Divisional Playoffs: Matt Ryan to Devonta Freeman For Huge Gain

Enough with the heartbreaker history spiel: it looks like the Falcons have finally become the real deal. And while it sounds a bit crazy, I’m actually favoring them over the Pack for Sunday’s NFC championship tilt. They’re Super Bowl worthy when the defense steps up and we all know what this offense can do…

 

Two times on this play Seattle’s defense ends up chasing ghosts with a blitz attempt in which Matt Ryan drops back expertly and releases the ball off a back-foot throw while under respectable pressure from three Seattle linemen. When I saw the play live, I thought “Matty Ice” had gotten lucky on an ugly throw, but seen in replay that ball looks downright gorgeous.

 

After the catch, Freeman loses Bobby Wagner and cuts, causing safety Steven Terrell to lose his footing. The Falcons star back resembles a steam locomotive off the rails as he careens downfield with a burned Seattle secondary in hot pursuit. It’s actually a bit impressive that Kam Chancellor and DeAndre Elliott were able to catch up to him and prevent the TD. Do Atlanta fans dare get their hopes up? That’s for them to decide, but this was certainly a decisive victory.

 

Divisional Playoffs: The Green Slime

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Director: Kinji Fukasaku
Released: 1968

 

In this tantalizingly titled offering, east meets west in a joint effort by Metro Goldwyn-Mayer and Japanese studio, The Toei Company. Directed by Kinji Fukasaku, who is best known today for The Hunger Games predictor Battle Royale (2000), and the Battles Without Honor and Humanity series, in which Yakuza gangsters fight it out down and dirty in a postwar Hiroshima. The film was shot with a predominantly Japanese crew and American and European cast.

 

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This unusual historical collaboration is nothing compared to how strange the picture is, however. While there’s plenty of corn to be had with the intended demographic solidly resting with the kiddie-matinee crowd, this is far from your average penny-pinching sci-fi cheapie. There’s lots of Japanese styled miniature special effects, some truly trippy extra-terrestrial habitats, and a whole gang of rubber-suited monsters.

 

Amusingly enough, the plot itself is somewhat similar to Alien (1979) with the titular menace becoming an unknown stowaway on an interstellar aircraft that grows and mutates into a horde of crimson-eyed Cyclops, with wildly waving tentacles that shoot lasers. Certainly a little different aesthetically from H.R. Giger’s sleek and horrific creature design, but just as malevolent.

 

Screen Shot 2017-01-16 at 6.57.26 PM copy

 

It should go without saying that the visuals and frenzied tone are The Green Slime’s real charms but the just-adequate acting and hoary old love triangle plot add just enough human interest to keep one engaged in the haggard Troy McClure-esque alpha males duking it out over the leading lady.

 

The manic balls-to-the-wall zaniness of the picture is also amplified by a groovy theme song courtesy of Richard Delvy, in a tune that’s equal parts, catchy, fun, and terrible.

 

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Dig that slimy trailer:

 

Your new favorite B-flick theme song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkFalUlcWY

 

Full movie (cropped) here. DVDs available on Amazon.

 

 


Aaron Rodgers is unstoppable

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Published on : January 17, 2017

 

 

How long can this go on for? Who can make it stop? How is it even possible?

 

 

These are just some of the questions football fans around the world are asking about Aaron Rodgers and his fantastical feats of football magic. Unless you’ve been living on Mars, you know by now that the Green Bay Packers are in the midst of an eight game win streak. After starting the 2016 NFL season off with a 4-6 record and on the brink of irrelevancy, the team has turned it around and is within striking distance of a Super Bowl berth. This is thanks in large part to Aaron Rodgers and the work he has done on the football field.

 

As a Lions fan, this guy has been ripping my metaphorical guts out for years now. There was a long time that I believed that many of the more amazing things he was able to do were flukes. Everyone is bound to have a few unbelievable plays go their way if they are on the field long enough, right? Well, I was very, very wrong. There’s no explanation for what he does week after week, other than that this guy is the best and most clutch player in the NFL. You have no idea how much it hurts me to say that.

 

 

I’ve wanted Aaron Rodgers and his team’s luck to run out for as long as I can remember and no matter how many sacrifices I make to the football gods, it just hasn’t happened. Leading me to the conclusion that it isn’t luck at all, he is just that good. He is the best there is and I just want the nightmare to end. Aaron Rodgers has single handedly carried the Packers this season and some of the miracles he has worked have left people speechless.

 

Take last Sunday’s divisional round matchup against the Dallas Cowboys for example. The Packers jumped out to a lead against the Cowboys. Aaron Rodgers was doing all his normal stuff. Evading pressure, escaping the pocket, buying tons of time with his legs and then rifling some of the craziest throws you’ve ever seen down field for huge completions. You know, run of the mill Rodgers stuff. The kind of stuff that makes you pull your own hair out if he is doing it against your team. But the Cowboys battles back and managed to tie the game up late in the fourth quarter. En route to that game-tying field goal by Dan Bailey, the Cowboys spiked the ball to stop the clock. When they did this I got a very sick feeling in my stomach.

 

 

By spiking the ball, the Cowboys left the Green Bay Packers with 35 seconds on the clock after the aforementioned field goal. Anyone who knows his body of work knows that 35 seconds is an eternity for Aaron Rodgers. At first glance, things looked to be going in the Cowboys favor. A sack on first down and an incompletion on second, had the Packers sitting at third-and-20 with only 18 seconds to play in the game. Surely this thing would be going to overtime and the Cowboys would have one last chance to end Aaron Rodgers’ reign of terror.

 

Then, he went full blown Rodgers mode and did what he always does in the biggest moments. Rodgers scrambled to the left and bought enough time to be able to throw a 36 yard bullet to the very edge of the field of play. He threw one of the prettiest passes you’ll ever see to the exact spot he intended and his tight end, Jared Cook, made a catch that was almost as beautiful as the pass. I challenge you to show me anyone else in the world who can make that pass across his body with as much velocity and accuracy.

 

 

That pass from Rodgers to Jared Cook set up Mason Crosby and he drilled a 51 yard field goal to give the Packers a 34-31 victory and a trip to the NFC Championship game this weekend in Atlanta. He did it again. I’m grateful that Dallas made a game out of it and that final two minutes was some of the most captivating football action I’ve ever seen, but what does it matter if Aaron Rodgers is still going to crush your soul no matter how hard you try to avoid it. He didn’t even need Jordy Nelson to destroy the Cowboys, and at times he made it look maddeningly easy.

 

At 33 years old, this guys has many years of ripping out the hearts of opposing fans ahead. I wish it wasn’t true, but it is. I just want him to go away, and for a few brief weeks at the beginning of this season I thought his empire might be crumbling. But if this amazing run is any indication of the future, the entire league is in trouble. Because as long as Aaron Rodgers is working this kind of magic, he and the Packers can win the Super Bowl in any given year. Especially this one.

 

Go Falcons.

 

 


Blackout Bruno’s NFL Divisional Round Picks

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Published on : January 12, 2017

 

 

What an awful hangover. I blacked out after the Detroit Lions lost on Saturday to the stupid Seattle Seahawks. I drank all the Coors Lights and bourbon available in the city of Los Angeles. And of course, I had Detroit winning in the picks too. But I got the rest correct, going 3-1 in the Wild Card round. Moving on, someone make me a bloody mary while I go over my NFL Divisional Round playoff picks. Also, try and keep it down, my head is killing me.

 

Seattle Seahawks at Atlanta Falcons

Bird Battle! These high flyers should put on great show. Hopefully, over 80 total points and many lead changes with four quarters of drama. Falcons are the more complete outfit and have generally played more consistent football all year. Plus their QB Matt Ryan, is performing at a very high level.

Winner: Atlanta

 

Houston Texans at New England Patriots

 

I’d love to be surprised here but this is the lock of all the picks this week. Houston has a great defense but questions at QB and having to travel to Foxborough are too much of a mountain to climb. Can’t choose against Brady, at home, in the playoffs. Pats win by double digits.

Winner: New England

 

Pittsburgh Steelers at Kansas City Chiefs

Steelers are a great team when everyone is healthy. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case for the weekend. Ben Roethlisberger is expected to start but he may be limited as he is playing through some serious injury. The Chiefs have been red hot as of late and that trend should continue. Kansas City has a complete crew and they are more than capable of making it to the Super Bowl.

Winner: Kansas City

 

Green Bay at Dallas Cowboys

 

Oh boy, what a game. The jewel of the divisional round. For the record, I hate both teams so I have no bias here. If the Cowboys can keep moving the chains with the run then they will win. But I just have this terrible feeling that the Packers will hang around long enough for Rodgers to do something notable.

Winner: Green Bay

 

One of these franchises is going to win the Super Bowl. It’s all about staying hot and staying healthy. Just like Hollywood. Now that my own team is eliminated, all I want to see is a competitive game and maybe not the same jokers always lifting the Lombardi Trophy.

 

So close.

 

 


Blackout Bruno’s Wild Card Picks

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Published on : January 6, 2017

 

 

Oh snap, it’s Wild Card time. Deal me in and get me a drink. Seven and seven, please. Sorry about last post, I got New Year’s drunk, then angry drunk after the Lions game and time kind of got away from me. But I’m up and I’m ready to work. My final regular season record is 50-24-1. Pretty decent. Now, let’s flash ahead to the weekend and talk about the opening round of the NFL playoffs. These are Blackout Bruno’s Wild Card picks

 

Oakland Raiders at Houston Texans

 

This game is such a crapshoot. Both crews are without their top QBs so who knows what will really happen. Someone has to step up. Because it’s so hard to call, I’ll rely on old stand by garbage about being at home and how much better the Texans are in Texas.

Winner: Houston

 

Detroit Lions at Seattle Seahawks

This is not the super awesome Seahawks crew that won the Super Bowl. They have been up and down all year. Russell Wilson and company normally take care of business at home but I can see how Detroit could surprise everyone. I don’t think you will find any sports pundit picking Lions but this will be a wild game to be sure. Look for Golden Tate to have an epic day and a late Matt Prater Field goal wins it.

Winner: Detroit 

 

Miami Dolphins at Pittsburgh Steelers

The Dolphins are banged up. Matt Moore is starting and they are traveling to Pittsburgh to play outside, in the cold. Plus the Steelers have Antonio Brown, who can single handedly win you a game. I think Steelers win in a confident fashion.

Winner: Pittsburgh

 

New York Giants at Green Bay Packers

 

Looking at the weekend slate, this screams to be the most intriguing matchup. Giants defense is a powerful unit. They should keep this thing close but I just know that stupid Aaron Rodgers is going to find a way to pull it off. Like he almost always seems to do.

Winner: Green Bay

 

Let’s hope these games excite and delight. Try mixing things up by trying a new cocktail. I love a good vodka martini. Up, dirty and with olives. Too boozy tasting for you? Go tiki and blend up some fresh fruit, fresh citrus juice with dark rum over ice. Maybe throw some coconut cream in there. Grab a straw, kick back and let’s hope Wild Card weekend is interesting.

 

Onward.

 

 


NFL Halfway way report for 2016

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Published on : November 3, 2016

 

 

NFL Week 8 is in the books are we are officially halfway through the 2016 season. Damn, things are moving fast. Don’t blink because the postseason is around the corner. Let’s look back at the first part of the year and see what we’ve learned so far.

 

The Standings

The quickest and most superficial way to know a squad is by looking at their record. Who did they beat? Who did they lose to? Was it at home or on the road? These are all telling bits of information. Your current division leaders are:

 

NFC North: Minnesota Vikings (5-2)

NFC East: Dallas Cowboys (6-1)

NFC South: Atlanta Falcons (5-3)

NFC West: Seattle Seahawks (4-2-1)

 

 

AFC North: Pittsburgh Steelers (4-3)

AFC East: New England Patriots (7-1)

AFC South: Houston Texans (5-3)

AFC West: Oakland Raiders and Denver Broncos (both 6-2)

 

With Brady back under center, the Pats are the best team in the league. They are the first to 7 wins and should be the favorite in every game for the next 8 weeks. The Cowboys are the only other 1 loss team and they lead the only division where all members have a winning record. The NFC East is finally playing some good football. Houston and Minnesota both seems like crews that could get pushed out of their current standings. The AFC West should be a three horse race going down the stretch as Kansas City starts to string wins together. Stats aren’t everything but number of wins is still huge in the playoff picture.

 

Surprises

One of the biggest shockers of the year has to be the Oakland Raiders. The 6-2 record is nice but it’s the 5-0 on the road that makes you double-take. They are on track for their first playoff appearance since 2003. The second longest postseason drought in football (only the Bills have been waiting longer). I hope they get there. Either by winning the AFC West or locking up a wild card spot.

 

 

How awful the Carolina Panthers are. They are 2-5 and last in the NFC South. Talk about a Super Bowl hangover. I don’t think anyone, including Cam Newton saw that coming. Their D is weak, Cam is getting lit up and nothing is clicking.

 

The Cowboys getting it done with rookies at QB and RB in Dak Prescott and Ezekial Elliot. Enough with the Romo talk. Prescott is winning, you don’t mess with success. Let Tony ride the bench for awhile. Maybe he can come back during the playoffs just time to to throw an interception.

 

How average the Packers look. They are 4-3 but have lost to every team over .500 they have played. Eddie Lacy is on IR, they can’t run the ball and defenses aren’t giving Rodgers all day to throw. This football giant seems very killable.

 

Less Surprising

The Jacksonville Jaguars still suck. Many talking-heads hyped the Jags in the preseason as some sort of dark horse. Their offense (mostly through the air) worked last year and they drafted all these great defensive players but it’s not that simple and this franchise is still years away. Also, what’s with the jerseys in the photo below? They look like the knock-off/unlicensed NFL uniforms from Any Given Sunday.

 

 

The Steelers are good. Even without some of their stars, this roster steps up and fills holes. They started without RB Bell because of a suspension, then QB Roethlisberger got hurt, but Pittsburgh keeps winning. Look for them to make another playoff run.

 

Everyone on San Diego is hurt. I can just save this part and copy-paste it next year because it’s the same story every time. Tons of talent and potential, awful luck and injuries leaves Phillip Rivers in a hole fighting for his life. One almost has to wonder, what would the Chargers look like healthy? A bizarre and perverse thought. Don’t linger on it.

 

The Colts can’t stop anyone. They are wasting QB Andrew Luck. Every game, Luck is forced to throw it downfield because they are playing from behind. Great for fantasy, not for reality. Kind of reminds me of Matthew Stafford. Anyway, Indy needs to shore up both sides of the line and spend some draft picks retooling the whole defensive unit.

 

 

The best part about all of this is there is still time. 8 games is a lot. Go 6-2 over the second half and you may just be in the playoffs. Stranger things have happened. At this moment, I can only guarantee maybe 5 teams will make it. That leaves plenty of spots for your team. All they have to do is get hot.

 

Playoffs?

 

 


Three playoff teams from last year that won’t be back

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Published on : July 28, 2016

 

 

There are some teams in the NFL who seem like they make the playoffs every single year. These organizations continually field competitive squads that give their fans something to cheer for every Sunday. For the rest of us who aren’t spoiled little shits living in New England, we hope and pray that enough things can go right for us to make the playoffs every once in a while. We are the salt of the earth when it comes to NFL fandom. We know what it’s like to miss the playoffs because it happens more often than not for most franchises. The following playoff teams will be joining us this season in the land of the have-nots as they fall from grace and miss the NFL postseason after making it to the dance last year.

 

Cincinnati Bengals

 

This has got to be the year that Marvin Lewis and the Bengals get exposed. For the first time since 2010 they will not make the playoffs. With the losses of Marvin Jones and Muhammad Sanu, and the injury to Tyler Eifert, I find it hard to believe that they can get back to the postseason. With that much yardage and that many touchdowns out the door, there may be times when the Bengals’ offense looks stagnant. They have some new faces along the offensive line and it might take some time for them all to gel. Because of that, we will see Andy Dalton regress a bit from last season. With the Steelers as the favorites in the division and the Ravens not likely to stay down for long, this could be Cincinnati’s year on the outside looking in.

 

Kansas City Chiefs

 

The Kansas City Chiefs rattled off 11 wins in a row last season before losing to the Patriots in the divisional round of the playoffs. That is no easy feat in the NFL and one that they are not likely to repeat. I still find it kind of unbelievable that they were able to do it last year actually. Andy Reid has been a consistently solid head coach during his career, but too much of this team’s success is predicated on the health of Jamaal Charles and Justin Houston. Both of whom are another knee injury just waiting to happen. If Alex Smith can make some magic they might be headed back to the playoffs but I see the San Diego Chargers as the favorite to win that division, leaving the Chiefs out in the cold.

 

Minnesota Vikings

 

Apologies to staff writers Bryce and Noah, but I can’t help but see the Vikings as anything other than wildly overrated by just about everyone. They are a nice team with some solid pieces, but by no means are they world beaters. They have a talented starting running back in Adrian Peterson to be sure, but he is also getting older by the day. I don’t care what he says, once you get over 30 years old as an NFL running back, the decline in production is real. Without a dominate AP, I don’t think that Teddy Bridgewater can keep the offense afloat. You also have to factor in that the Green Bay Packers should be back in their usual form and that I already picked the Lions to make the playoffs too. That just doesn’t leave much room in the postseason for the Vikings.

 

Sorry to all these teams but you’re in for a disappointing 2016 campaign. You really might as well not even play the season. I’m just kidding. But don’t be surprised to see these guys imploding come December. You heard it here first.

 

 


Roger Pretzel’s Review ‘N Brew: Divisional Playoffs

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Published on : January 21, 2016

 

 

In this little corner Roger Pretzel will review his favorite play of the week along with a thoughtful review of what beverage he was imbibing at the time.

 

 

 

Divisional Playoffs: Thomas Davis Shows Good Hands on Onside Kick to Kill Seahawks Miracle Comeback

 

VIDEO: HERE

 

In this Divisional weekend, we saw the Patriots get lucky breaks even when they didn’t need ‘em, Aaron Rodgers completed two ludicrous Hail Mary passes back-to-back, and grandpa Peyton overcome a handful of sacks to take Denver to the Conference Championships. Not least of all, in the Carolina/Seattle matchup, we saw the ‘Hawks do what they do, in attempting to crawl out of a 31 point hole and make an improbable comeback, like they did last year against Green Bay.

 

Not if Thomas Davis has anything to say about it.

 

I think Detroit fans might feel this, since earlier in the season Calvin Johnson, arguably the most “hands” guy one would want on that “hands” team flubbed one against the Packers. It don’t matter if the guy is a linebacker in his thirties or a star wide receiver: you gotta put the game away.

 

Davis takes a massive hit as he goes up for the catch, so it’s not a gimme by any means. Fullback Derrick Coleman, ploughs into Davis’s legs sending him crashing headfirst to the field. Davis hangs on for the showstopper.

 

 

Divisional Playoffs: Booze That Comes in Bottles Shaped Like Weapons

 

Nothing goes together better than alcohol and weapons. Whether it’s taking potshots at cans off your front porch while sippin’ some Lynchburg Lemonade, emptying your Beretta into the air at your cousin’s christening while chugging Night Train, or wowing party guests with your spiked punch-enhanced knife throwing skills, you know the guns and blades are gonna come out at some point in the night.

 

It’s only natural that spirits providers would get hip to this match made in heaven, and now we’re blessed with an embarrassment of riches in the form of booze holding vessels that looks like our beloved heaters, streetsweepers, and toad-stickers.

 

Tequila That Looks Like an AK-47

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The good folks at Institucional Tequila chose to bottle their 100% agave blanco tequila in a glass bottle shaped like an AK-47. Online providers claim that the product is both “fruity and smooth,” though Institucional prefers to describe the spirit as “dangerously smooth.” Get it? You are going to get lots of attention if you bring this to a Super Bowl party, your grandma’s funeral reception, or a government building.

 

Vodka That Looks Like an AK-47

Ak-47

 

It would be pretty lousy if a Mexican company were the only distiller to use the shape of the famed Kalashnikov. You can’t leave the Russians out. But apparently Moscow’s attitude is “nyet way, Jose.” Kalashnikov vodka is not only named for the famed creator of the world’s most iconic machine gun, but it also has a far superiorly modeled bottle to it’s Mexican counterpart, and comes in a faux-military style weapons crate.

 

Good luck getting your hands on this puppy though, it was a one-off production with a limit of 13,000 bottles produced.

 

Rum In The Shape of a “Buccaneer Pistol”

 

Another export from our Mexican friends, this añejo rum has been aged a respectable ten years and boasts “lots of vanilla and sweetness.” The bottle itself is hand made, and certainly looks like something a pirate would carry around, but holding only 20cl of hooch, it’s questionable whether or not Blackbeard & Co would be trucking around with such a paltry stash.

 

Still, it would make a great gift for that elementary school teacher, elevator operator, or proctologist in your life.

 

Tequila in the Shape of a Pistol

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Well, there’s definitely a theme here… This tequila is described thusly: “This limited edition tequila is made with quality, prestige and tradition to honor the Villanueva Barragan family, owners of Licores Veracruz. This pistol symbolizes the family’s courage, respect and pride. Hijos de Villa tequila represents the Mexican family in the revolutionary era.”

 

It probably would’ve been better had the family not gone out of it’s way to explain what the pistol means to them as now I’m picturing an estate full of the Mexican version of the Sorpanos, but what’re ya gonna do? This one’s also only 20cl, so you’re mostly paying for a glass bottle shaped like a gun with a little bit of yellow tequila in it, which is generally considered pretty good (think Cazadores).

 

Brandy in the Shape of a Sword

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And straight out of left field comes a glass sword full of Ukrainian brandy thanks to the Albo Group of Companies. I couldn’t say it any better than the company representatives:

 

“A new brand from the Albo group is now available as a gift. Our cognac is considered to have good form and flavor. The new Cognacs of Ukraine come in a souvenir bottle and has been rated as a five-star cognac in a several tasting competitions… The shapes of the bottles are very pleasing themselves, however; inside is where the real pleasure and surprise are contained. Even experts are pleasantly surprised at the quality of the cognac. The taste is classical balanced and the flavor harmonious combined the aroma of fruit. The long and silky final note gives an elegant aftertaste. The noble amber color of the cognac in a vessel of sculptural form will improve any home interior or office.”

 

That’s all for this week, but you can bet I’ll be seeing you after the Conference Championships, swinging my brandy sword, and making obscene shooting sounds with my tequila pistol.

 

 

 


ScoreBoredSports NFL Staff Picks: Conference Championship

Written by :
Published on : January 20, 2016

 

 

 

Football is not stupid. It is unpredictable.

 

 

I came in dead last with my regular season picks, which serves me right since my picks weren’t based on anything other than a false gut feeling about which teams would win games.

 

In the postseason, however, I redeemed my shameful last staff member standing and am now in a three-way tie with Bruno and Ryan. And just when I began to feel like a cool kid, I hit a wall.

 

It was helpful to look at the regular season standings to pick teams in the postseason, but this technique wasn’t so helpful in determining which team would take the Conference Championships. The Broncos and the Patriots are both 12-4 in the regular season, which makes this mutually assured destruction with pigskin.

 

I have no idea who to pick.  Thanks to South Park‘s Eric Cartman, I know the Patriots will stop at nothing to win even if that means cheating and stealing. For some reason I cannot explain, my gut says Peyton Manning will win it. It’s the right thing to do. My boyfriend has appealed to my emotions by telling me that the former Trojan and current QB for the Cardinals, Carson Palmer, is likely to retire this season or the next. He says it would be nice to see Palmer win a ring before his playing days are over. I say of course! He must fight on for ‘ol SC and it would be cool to see. If that were to happen, and if the Broncos win their Conference game, then the Super Bowl would be a battle of the veterans between Manning and Palmer. I’m not a big fan, but football, you’ve now got my attention.

 

It seems that these upcoming Conference games are toughies and promise to be good shows.

 

So who takes the Conference Championships? I’ve called it for the Broncos, but I’m debating wether I’ll change my mind and call Alex last minute and say the Patriots! As a Trojan, I’m going with the Cardinals.

 

Here are your ScoreBoredSports NFL Playoff staff picks for the AFC/NFL Conference Championship:

 

Conference Championships

 

 

Divisional Round

Wild Card

 

 


ScoreBoredSports NFL Playoff Staff Picks: Wild Card Round

Written by :
Published on : January 8, 2016

 

 

Wow, what a crazy NFL regular season it has been. Tons of surprises on all fronts. Like the Carolina Panthers, who turned out to be absolutely amazing. Meanwhile, their cat-bros up north, my Detroit Lions, started the 2015 campaign off so poorly (1-7) that their above-average finish (6-2) turned out to be meaningless. Unless you count how it probably saved the job of their below-average head coach, Jim Caldwell. Add that to all of these horribly depressing rumors regarding Calvin Johnson’s possible retirement, and we are about par-for-the-course in terms of end of the year misery for us Lions fans.

 

As for the ScoreBoredSports Regular Season NFL Staff Picks, they went about how we thought they would for most of the year. Ryan had about one bad week all season and was never in any real danger of losing the contest. That’s ok guys, we will get him next year. And hats off to you Mr Jaquith. It’s about time for you to start putting those skills to use and get your sports gambling career off the ground.

 

Now that the pain of the regular season has been dealt with, we turn our attention to the time of year when I don’t have to worry about my emotional state because my team is never around for the playoffs. For the ScoreBoredSports NFL Playoff Staff Picks, the slate has been wiped clean and everybody starts from the same place. It’s like an entirely new contest all together. So suck on that, Ryan.

 

It looks like the road teams are getting a ton of love from the SBS Staff and that seems a bit surprising. The only road team that I think is a lock to win is the Seahawks. If you’ve seen them play recently then you understand what I mean. Sorry Bryce, it’s not like I don’t think the Vikings are any good, because I do, it’s just that Seattle has been here before and their defense and QB are playing pretty out of this world right now. And Marshawn Lynch is back at full speed, and running on a fresh set of legs. Prepare for some classic ‘beast mode’ moments. I know it hurts, but it’s ok. There’s always next year….

 

The Wild Card Picks:

Divisional Round

 

Week 17

 

 


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