Rollerball or Nothing

Written by :
Published on : August 28, 2017

 

 

In 2018, the world is run by a small handful of large corporations. War, regulation and government have all been eliminated. The upper executive class enjoys all the wealth and technology while everyone else enjoys ultra-violent entertainment made to distract them. No, I’m not describing the not-too-distant future. I’m talking about Rollerball, a sci-fi movie from the sort-of-distant past of 1975 that deserves to be updated.

 

In the film, rollerball is the most popular sport in the world. It is essentially roller derby but with motorcycles and lots of violence. A metal ball gets shot onto the track at about 200 mph. Two squads, each with seven skaters and three motorcycles, compete for possession of the ball. A player must skate once around the track while holding the ball in plain sight before they are able to score. Their teammates serve as blockers that defend them from the opposing team. The game is full contact. Each player wears a helmet, pads and gloves covered with metal spikes.  Injuries, even fatalities, are common.

 

 

James Caan stars as Johnathan E, captain of the Houston Squad, current Rollerball World Champions, sponsored by the ominously-named Energy Corporation. Johnathan is the most popular player in the sport, which is why he’s blindsided by the corporation’s order that he retire immediately. Johnathan refuses, partly because he resents the corporation’s ultimate authority, and partly because he just doesn’t want to retire.  As he continues to play, rules and safeguards are eliminated by the executives, hoping that Johnathan becomes a casualty.

 

 

Adapted from the short story, “Roller Ball Murder,” the movie is a missed opportunity. Made in a pre-Star Wars Hollywood, the film tells its story like an extended episode of The Twilight Zone. Caan plays an average American everyman stuck in a nightmare version The Future just similar enough to modern 1975 to be believable. When Johnathan finally learns that he must retire so rollerball can remain an anonymous bloodsport that reinforces the corporate culture’s “nobody is special, we are all expendable” message to the masses, the result is kind of a letdown. The movie shouldn’t be blamed for putting so much weight into a reveal that feels intellectually tame by modern 2017 standards. But it should be blamed for having too narrow a focus. Besides one of Johnathan’s teammates, a large bruiser named Moonpie, we don’t get a feel for any other rollerball player’s personality. Nor do we see or experience much of the future beyond sports arenas, office buildings, locker rooms and upper-middle class homes.

 

HBO, get on this shit. You love sports (Hard Knocks) and weird vintage sci-fi (Westworld). This is exactly the type of idea best suited for longform television over movies. (The less said about the 2002 remake, the better. Even though it stars LL Cool J and Rebecca Romijn Stamos. But seriously, don’t go there.)

 

Billionaires, make this sport a reality. It’s football/NASCAR/hockey all rolled into one. Big, loud, high-energy and you probably get to see a crash. I’d paid good money to see that.

 

 

 


SBS Guide to: Fidget Spinners

Written by :
Published on : July 14, 2017

 

If you don’t know what a fidget spinner is by now, you’ve been living under a rock or just woke up out of a coma. Marketed as an item for the ADHD afflicted, the fidget spinner is the fad of 2017. If you don’t have one, you’re missing out. These things are fun as hell.

 

There are many different types of spinners out there. Plastic, metal, light-up, mini, doubles, ones with superhero logos, even ones with Bluetooth speakers (Don’t buy those, I hear they can explode). All you need to get in on the craze is a plain ol’ plastic spinner with metal weights. They come in a variety of colors.

 

Fidget Spinners

 

Where did they come from? Short answer: China. Long answer: I’m not really sure. In the mid-90s, an inventor named Catherine Hettinger submitted a patent for a Spinning Toy, a small UFO-shaped plastic disc that is “designed to be spun on the finger” for enjoyment. Wikipedia incorrectly credited her as having created the ’17 Spinner, a claim to fame that she’s using on her own Kickstarter page even though she’s confirmed it isn’t true. In the mid-10s, an IT guy named Scott McCoskery invented the Torqbar. It’s basically the same concept, but it’s only got two arms instead of three. Having not used either of these antecedent objects, I cannot say how fun they are. I can only repeat that the fidget spinner, sold wherever money is accepted, is very fun.

 

How does it work? Simply balance or grip the toy and spin, spin, spin. I get a hypnotic satisfaction from watching it spin. Momentum carries it for a satisfyingly long time. But be warned, you’re buying a $4 dollar toy, and they can wear down quickly. That’s why you get two. Not only for that, but so you can learn how to do tricks.

 

 

Tricks are the reason that fidget spinners have been banned in schools all over America. It’s an addictive pursuit, but also distracting and potentially very destructive. YouTube is full of fidget spinner trick videos with kids pulling off some amazing shit. All tricks start with learning to catch. Toss the spinner with one hand and grasp it mid-air. It seems easy, but from experience, it’s difficult as hell. But I’m also over 30.

 

 

Better than the trick videos are the fail videos. These things can break a lot of stuff. One kid even chips his tooth while trying to spin it on his tongue. Idiot.

 

Should you get yourself a fidget spinner? Absolutely, 100% yes. It’s not just a toy, it’s a fad. Fads are time capsules of a specific era. Specifically, the (usually very short) era when everyone thought this one thing was really cool. Fidget spinners are 2017’s entry into the Fad Hall of Fame, ready to stand with fads like Beanie Babies, Hoverboards, The Macaerna, Pogs, Snuggies, Chia Pets, The Clapper, the Ice Bucket Challenge, Magic Eye books, Pokemon Go and Weird Al Yankovic.

 

Seriously. Buy one, play with it for a week, then put it in a drawer. Your future kid is going to love it.

 

 

 


When the NFL Took Over MTV

Written by :
Published on : October 2, 2016

 

While researching the Chicago Bears’ “Super Bowl Shuffle” for a totally unrelated reason, I stumbled upon a horrifying discovery — this used to be a thing. During the mid-1980s, several NFL teams tried their hand at recording novelty songs. A few of these are great, some are really bad, and none are actually good.

 

“We’re the 49ers”

 

The San Francisco 49ers started the trend during the ’84-’85 season, releasing their song several months before “Super Bowl Shuffle.” Since the 49ers weren’t trying to copycat something popular, “We’re the 49ers” is set apart from the rest of the bunch. The biggest difference is how impersonal it feels. Sung by anonymous players in unison, it lacks the ragtag spirit of camaraderie that made “Super Bowl Shuffle” so fun. The lyrics are also pretty bland, and the beat sounds like generic disco pop.

 

“New England, the Patriots and We”

 

What a stinker. Released prior to their showdown with the Bears at Super Bowl XX, this New England Patriots effort rips off the aesthetic of 1985’s other novelty single, “We Are the World,” by crowding too-many singers around too-few microphones to sing a really bad song. A few Patriots players are featured and all wear matching MTV hats. The song also states, out-loud and repeatedly, that the Patriots will beat the Bears in the Super Bowl. That didn’t happen, but that’s not the only reason this thing should be forgotten.

 

“Cuz the Blue Wave is on a Roll”

 

Also released during the ’85-’86 NFL season, the Seattle Seahawks “Cuz the Blue Wave is on a Roll” is the anti-“Super Bowl Shuffle” — slick, well-produced and catchy. The video even has a narrative: spirits are low in the locker room until (linebacker) Michael Jackson enters and leads the Seahawks in song. The music rips off The Coasters’ “Yakety Yak” and none of the Seahawks can keep a straight face, but it’s that goof-off spirit that makes video so charmingly cheesy. How can you hate something that doesn’t even take itself seriously?

 

“Ram It”

 

Nobody loves a trend like Hollywood. In 1986, both Los Angeles football teams released their own personalized songs. Since the Rams have returned to LA, their song “Ram It” has begun to resurface, and thank the gods for that. This song is amazing. Completely over-produced with a studio-designed beat, this video is constantly trying to one-up it’s inspiration with multiple sets, shooting outdoors and cheerleaders. “Super Bowl Shuffle” may have nostalgia on its side, but “Ram It” beats it as a piece of 1980s “so bad it’s good” pop culture. It’s catchy as HPV too.

 

“The Silver and Black Attack”

 

The worst kind of imitation; a cheap knock-off that strives to copy something already successful but improve upon it by making it flashier. Like it or not, “Super Bowl Shuffle” was a phenomenon because it was sincere, singular and weird. The Los Angeles Raiders saw success and said, “We can do that too.” The result is a forgettable song with a boring music video. Future “Firestorm” star Howie Long pops up early on, but he’s about the only reason to watch.

 

Ram It baby.

 

 


SBS Guide to: Enjoying a Viewing Party as a Non-Sports Fan

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Published on : September 11, 2016

 

So you’ve been invited over to watch The Game, but you’re not a sports fan. Don’t worry, you can still have a great time at a sports party if you’re not a fan. If you understand the rules. Like whatever match you’re about to watch, the sport of watching sports has points, rules, fouls, even penalties so egregious that you could be tossed out for them. But don’t worry, we’ve got the rulebook you’re looking for.

 

First of all, show up at least a half hour before game time so you can get to know everyone. And so you can get some nachos before they’re gone. Also because there will be no pleasantries exchanged once the game has started. Don’t take this personally. It’s not you, it’s game frenzy; a condition that creates tunnel vision and removes personal volume control. Remember: you’re at a game party with a bunch of sports fans. You’re hanging out with them, and it’s their rules.

 

Secondly, remember your basic p’s and q’s and bring something to the party. This tells everyone that even if you’re not a fan, you’re there to have a good time. Don’t be all Guy Fieri about it either; you can never go wrong with (at least) 12 cans of domestic beer or several bags of potato chips. Or both. That’s a great first impression.

 

american-beers

 

While getting to know everyone, it’s very important that you don’t pretend to be an expert. Resist the urge to parrot somebody else’s soundbite or headline as your own opinion. Especially if you’re unfamiliar with the loyalties of The House. (Defined by the host and usually two to three of their loudest friends; every House has it’s own specific opinion on the hometeam, as unique as a fingerprint and sensitive as a hair-trigger.) So if you recycle some sport writer’s opinion that the new quarterback is gonna “tie the room together” and the House thinks he’s an overpaid bum, now you’ve branded yourself against the House. Fact: among the fiercely loyal, there are no casual opinions. Don’t make any statements you’re not willing to fight for.

 

The flipside of this is don’t ask too many questions. Nothing annoys a fan quicker than having to explain everything. This isn’t a classroom, it’s the war room. You don’t know the rules? Google it. If you’re genuinely confused about something during gameplay, okay then you can ask. But only adorable kids, old people and girls with big boobs get to ask “which color are we rooting for?” Dig?

 

If the House’s team is playing well or winning handily, then spirits will be high. High fives will fly. Nachos will get destroyed. All you need to do then is follow the cardinal rule of sports watching and never disrupt the viewing of the game. Do not block anyone’s view. Don’t beg for attention during the game. Texting is fine, phone calls are not. Conversation is for commercials. And if you’re getting up for another beer, always ask the room who wants another. That’s just polite.

 

150812_EM_NFLTVFree

 

If the House team is struggling with the lead or starting to lose, things get trickier. Fact: one cannot soar to high highs without also falling to low lows, and if the House team begins to lose you’re going to feel the temperature of the room drop to a low, chilly hostility. When the cheers turn to jeers, your best bet is to go with the flow. Everyone’s angry? Then you’re angry too. That ref made a stupid call? He’s a fucking moron. The new quarterback isn’t playing well? Send him back to Jacksonville. The host just kicked a hole in his wall? Smash that beer bottle over your head.

 

If the House’s team is losing terribly, then your job becomes keep your head down and don’t draw attention to yourself. Many sports fans are superstitious by nature, and even the most level-headed person can be thrown off by high emotions and a few gallons of beer. Anything can and will be blamed for the team’s performance, including the outcome of the coin toss or the attendance of a non-fan at the party. Fact: you do not want a roomful of angry sports fans blaming you for their misery. That’s a lot like being the dinner guest at the end of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. If that happens, run. But don’t worry, it probably won’t.

 

When the game is over, don’t leave too quickly. Take a few minutes to celebrate or commiserate with the group. Offer to clean up a little. If you have to drive, make sure that you’re sober. But don’t hang out too long, and especially if it’s during football season, do not stay for another game. An entire day spent watching sports may sound enjoyable, but it’s really for die-hards only. The non-sports fan will eventually lose interest and want to move on with their day. Hopefully you’re sober and can leave right away when that happens. If you’re not, then you’re stuck. Overstaying your welcome risks turning a fun activity into an annoying distraction. Quit while you’re ahead and go out on top.

 

 


How The Karate Kid Ruined My LIfe

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Published on : May 22, 2016

 

 

One of my favorite movies growing up was 1984’s The Karate Kid. If you haven’t seen it, fuck off. If you don’t remember it, it’s essentially teenage Rocky in the San Fernando Valley. Ralph Macchio learns karate from wise old Mr. Miyagi so he can stand up to these Corba Kai jerks and go out with Elisabeth Shue. I loved this movie, and it created several lifelong obsessions: movies about teenagers, “Cruel Summer” by Bananarama, Elisabeth Shue and most importantly, karate.

 

Being a martial arts expert seemed like the coolest thing in the world to me. You could not give a fuck about anything and beat up anyone who tried to mess with you. As a shy and socially awkward kid, this was all that I wanted. I signed up for a taekwondo class convinced that I had discovered the shortcut to self-confidence. I was 100% wrong about that.

 

The problems started even before I got to class. Putting on the outfit, or gi, for the first time, I had a horrible realization: there was nothing cool about wearing this thing. First of all, it’s white. And it was definitely after Labor Day. Secondly, it’s this weird short robe that has multiple ties like a straitjacket. I began to understand why Jean Claude Van Damme always wound up shirtless in his movies. Realizing that everyone would be wearing a gi, I resigned myself to looking stupid. At least we would all looks stupid.

 

THE-KARATE-KID-3-DI-02

 

When I got to class, things got worse. I realized that this wasn’t going to be learning life lessons with an enchanting old man. I realized, for the first time, that this was karate class. It was school after school. That I willingly signed up for. What an idiot I had been! It wasn’t even a part of school that I enjoyed, like reading or lunch. It was basically gym class, led by somebody’s beefy dad who would sweat when he yelled at us. Very un-Miyagi. If I wanted to get yelled at, I could have stayed home.

 

I might have been able to put up with all this bullshit if the class had delivered the goods. But it totally did not. I learned a few basic punches and kicks, that’s it. Nothing that was going to impress Elisabeth Shue or fight off the Cobra Kai. When I saw a bunch of older kids waiting around for their class to start, I realized this wasn’t a shortcut to anything. This was like a cult: once you’re in, you’re supposed to stay in. After that first class, I told myself I wouldn’t be back for another class.

 

karate-kid

But then a funny thing happened: I didn’t quit right away. Because I realized that I didn’t know very much taekwondo, but I knew a little bit. Maybe that would be enough to diffuse a dangerous situation. I started waiting for something to happen, an excuse to show off my newly acquired karate moves. That’s when I realized that Ralph Macchio only learned karate because he was getting beat up everyday. Was I really hoping to be terrorized by a bully? Did I want my life to get worse just to prove that I went to a karate class? What the fuck was wrong with me?

 

After that, taekwondo only had one thing left to teach me: how to quit something your parents have already spent a bunch of money on. And I turned out to be pretty good at that. So thanks, Ralph Macchio.

 

 


And Justice for Andrews

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Published on : March 9, 2016

 

 

On Monday, a jury awarded $55 million dollars in damages to sports reporter, Erin Andrews, over some illegally captured footage of her naked body. The nearly five minute video went viral back in 2009.

 

For those who don’t remember, here’s what happened: in September 2008, sideline reporter Andrews checked into the Nashville Marriott while on assignment for ESPN. She was followed to the hotel by Michael Barrett, an insurance salesman and serial stalker from Illinois. Barrett secured the room next to Andrews and tampered with her peephole while she was away. Later he used a cell phone to film Andrews while she was naked inside her room.

 

Barrett tried to sell the footage to several media outlets, including TMZ, who all told him to get lost. In 2009, he was arrested by the FBI after uploading the video to the Internet. Barrett was then convicted of interstate stalking and sentenced to 2 1/2 years in prison.

 

 The face of a scumbag.

 

During the trial, Andrews gave emotional testimony about how she was treated after the video went live. Most pundits referred to it as a “publicity stunt” and wondered if she had posted it herself. The FBI wouldn’t get involved until she publicly said it was an invasion of her privacy. And ESPN was so concerned about the backlash that her bosses forced her to give a clarifying on-camera interview before she was allowed to return to work. She eventually went on Oprah.

 

Andrews sought $75 million dollars in damages from her stalker and the hotel, whose staff gave away crucial information without her consent. For example, Barrett learned that Andrews was staying there simply by asking the front desk. And they honored his request to be placed in the room next door without consulting her.

 

 

Defense attorneys for the hotel tried to argue that they were not culpable. In fact, they tried to imply that the exposure had actually helped Andrews’ career by elevating her celebrity. And if that sounds like bullshit, that’s because it is. Diverting credit for Andrews’ success away from her hard work and towards some creepy pervert who violated her is ridiculous. That’s like saying the only reason we remember JFK is because he was assassinated. It’s sexist at best, atrocious for real. Luckily the jury didn’t buy that shit and ordered the hotel to pay 49% of the damages. Barrett is responsible for the other 51%, or roughly $28 million dollars.

 

The battle might be over, but the war continues. Andrews claims that she’s reminded of this video on a daily basis, and by fans at every sports game she attends. That’s fucking low. She has every right to put this behind her, but the Internet is a horrible place that never forgets anything. It’s bad enough being constantly reminded of things you’ve willingly posted in the past (looking at you, Facebook) but never being able to escape one of the most horrifying moments of your life is a total nightmare. When you think about it like that, maybe $55 million dollars isn’t enough. But it’s a good fucking start.

 

 


Why We Need Dadball

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Published on : February 16, 2016

 

 

Let’s face it: football is ageist. Like an unholy demon from the netherworld, it requires the vitality of youth to keep itself strong. Professional careers are usually over by 30 due to injury or an inability to keep up with the modern NFL, a punishing full-contact sport. Not only does this seem like a waste of talent, but a waste of an opportunity. Everyone enjoys football, why shouldn’t everyone be allowed to play professionally?

 

reeves football

 

I propose the creation of a new football league, which I will refer to as “Dadball.” This would be a throwback league, less focused on speed and intensity, more emphasis on fundamentals and strategy. No blitzing, kickoffs and probably not full-contact either.

 

Instead of seeking rookie talent, Dadball players would all be middle-aged athletes. Like a Pop Warner game, but with guys actually named Pop.  Slower, wiser players who don’t treat their bodies like rental cars would play a slower, more thoughtful game. The best part: an influx of retired NFL players. Some guys are happy to retire, but I bet a bunch of them would happily segue into a slower-paced game if it meant extending their career. Wouldn’t it be awesome to see an old ass Dan Marino or Brett Favre or Charles Woodson hit the field again?

 

Woodson

 

Also, let’s be honest: no matter how “no contact” this league is, these middle-aged guys are going to get killed out there. I’m talking enough wrecks on the field to satisfy a NASCAR fan.

 

I know this Dadball League would be a home run (see what I did there?) because my Dad would totally be into it. Watching it, not playing it. When he sits down to watch the Bears, he doesn’t care about statistic records or signing bonuses. He doesn’t want quantity without quality. He wants triumph born from experience, skill and sportsmanship. The NFL provides that, but a ragtag team of over-the-hill athletes leaving it all out on the field for the W? That would be gold.

 

 


ScoreBoredSports NFL Staff Picks: Super Bowl

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Published on : February 4, 2016

 

 

 

Super Bowl 50 is nearly upon us. All I can see in my head is Ace Ventura whispering those magic words that the game is almost here. I love it all: the food, the commercials, the half time show. And sometimes the game is even fun. Not two years ago though. Seattle killed Denver from the first snap. That was one the most lopsided contests I’ve seen in a while. Well maybe the Panthers ripping the Cardinals in the NFC Championship was close a second. Never send a bird to do a cat’s job. Back to the main event. What time is it Ace?

 

 

 

We have the epic showdown of the Denver Broncos versus the Carolina Panthers. A clash of new and old. Cam Newton versus Peyton Manning. The Panthers look solid and seem poised to bring a trophy back to Charlotte. And I like how the Panthers decided to let South Carolina also have a NFL team by cutting the word “North” from their name. That was sweet of them to include their weird little brother. One the other side, we have Peyton. Most would say the greater Manning even if he has less rings than his weird little brother, Eli. That can all change February 7th, 2016.

 

Going into the the big game, we have a three way tie with in the picks with Ryan, Treasure and yours truly. To ensure we don’t end tied, we have each writer also guess the final score. If we are still even, then closest score without going over will be named champ. Standard Price is Right rules. I have the Panthers winning big. I think Cam and the boys will be able to run and that will open up chunk plays through the air or scrambling when the pocket breaks down. Denver’s defense looked great against a one dimensional Patriots offense but that won’t be the same case against Carolina. If I win the playoff picks, I promise to take my girlfriend out to a fancy dinner. Doesn’t that sound nice. Go me!

 

Here is ScoreBoredSports staff picks for the Super Bowl:

 

Super Bowl

 

Wow, everyone has the Panthers winning. I didn’t see that coming. I hope they win so we don’t all look like fools. More importantly, I hope they win by 14 points. Also, no one tell Peyton. It might crush him to find out that no one at SBS thinks he can win even with that killer defense.

 

Conference Championships

Divisional Round

Wild Card

 

And don’t forget about our party we are hosting here in Los Angeles.

 

SB50Flyer

 

 

 


SBS Film Vault: Teen Wolf

Written by :
Published on : January 28, 2016

 

 

Have you seen Teen Wolf? Not the TV show that Google won’t stop talking about, I mean the (other) Michael J. Fox vehicle from 1985 (I was also born that year, obviously a great year for Michaels). This movie is all-around awesome. Fox is great – this kid’s a star – and everything around him has gotten funnier in a cheesy, 80s time-capsule sort of way. But besides that, this is also one of the best high school basketball movies ever made.

 

The movie starts on the basketball court as Scott (Fox) misses two free throws. Not that it would make a difference; his team, The Beavers, are getting absolutely killed by their rivals, The Dragons. Scott is ready to quit the team, but then this whole discovering-he’s-a-werewolf-thing totally distracts him. When he accidentally transforms into The Wolf in the middle of the next game, the whole crowd is shocked… until The Wolf wins everyone over with some amazing basketball skills.

 

 

Seriously who cares if he’s an inhuman monster? Did you see that jump shot? The Wolf dominates the court so much that his teammates feel left out. You’d think these guys would just be happy with an easy ride to the Championship, but no, Teen Wolf doesn’t play like that. This is a movie about strength of character, being yourself and ultimately, being a team player.

 

After Scott realizes that being The Wolf won’t solve his problems, he shows up to the Championship game ready to play. But only as himself, not The Wolf. Scott rallies his team with a classic “give ’em hell” speech, and they hit the court. And because it was the 80s, they put a super boss jam on the soundtrack to get your blood pumping.

 

 

There’s lots of great stuff in there: obvious personal fouls, slow-motion celebrating, cheerleaders. But you know what the best part was: teamwork. Scott assists other players as much as he scores, having realized that the only way to win is as a team. In the end, Scott has to return to the free throw line to decide the game. I won’t spoil the outcome, but since that song on the last clip is called “Win in the End,” I think we know how this goes down.

 

Also! I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Teen Wolf’s biggest contribution to pop culture: Surfing the Wolfmobile. Only technically a sport, but definitely super not-safe. I legally cannot endorse you doing anything but watching this clip, but I do highly recommend that.

 

 

Ow-ow-ooooooooooooo!

 

 


ScoreBoredSports NFL Staff Picks: Conference Championship

Written by :
Published on : January 20, 2016

 

 

 

Football is not stupid. It is unpredictable.

 

 

I came in dead last with my regular season picks, which serves me right since my picks weren’t based on anything other than a false gut feeling about which teams would win games.

 

In the postseason, however, I redeemed my shameful last staff member standing and am now in a three-way tie with Bruno and Ryan. And just when I began to feel like a cool kid, I hit a wall.

 

It was helpful to look at the regular season standings to pick teams in the postseason, but this technique wasn’t so helpful in determining which team would take the Conference Championships. The Broncos and the Patriots are both 12-4 in the regular season, which makes this mutually assured destruction with pigskin.

 

I have no idea who to pick.  Thanks to South Park‘s Eric Cartman, I know the Patriots will stop at nothing to win even if that means cheating and stealing. For some reason I cannot explain, my gut says Peyton Manning will win it. It’s the right thing to do. My boyfriend has appealed to my emotions by telling me that the former Trojan and current QB for the Cardinals, Carson Palmer, is likely to retire this season or the next. He says it would be nice to see Palmer win a ring before his playing days are over. I say of course! He must fight on for ‘ol SC and it would be cool to see. If that were to happen, and if the Broncos win their Conference game, then the Super Bowl would be a battle of the veterans between Manning and Palmer. I’m not a big fan, but football, you’ve now got my attention.

 

It seems that these upcoming Conference games are toughies and promise to be good shows.

 

So who takes the Conference Championships? I’ve called it for the Broncos, but I’m debating wether I’ll change my mind and call Alex last minute and say the Patriots! As a Trojan, I’m going with the Cardinals.

 

Here are your ScoreBoredSports NFL Playoff staff picks for the AFC/NFL Conference Championship:

 

Conference Championships

 

 

Divisional Round

Wild Card

 

 


ScoreBoredSports NFL Playoff Staff Picks: Wild Card Round

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Published on : January 8, 2016

 

 

Wow, what a crazy NFL regular season it has been. Tons of surprises on all fronts. Like the Carolina Panthers, who turned out to be absolutely amazing. Meanwhile, their cat-bros up north, my Detroit Lions, started the 2015 campaign off so poorly (1-7) that their above-average finish (6-2) turned out to be meaningless. Unless you count how it probably saved the job of their below-average head coach, Jim Caldwell. Add that to all of these horribly depressing rumors regarding Calvin Johnson’s possible retirement, and we are about par-for-the-course in terms of end of the year misery for us Lions fans.

 

As for the ScoreBoredSports Regular Season NFL Staff Picks, they went about how we thought they would for most of the year. Ryan had about one bad week all season and was never in any real danger of losing the contest. That’s ok guys, we will get him next year. And hats off to you Mr Jaquith. It’s about time for you to start putting those skills to use and get your sports gambling career off the ground.

 

Now that the pain of the regular season has been dealt with, we turn our attention to the time of year when I don’t have to worry about my emotional state because my team is never around for the playoffs. For the ScoreBoredSports NFL Playoff Staff Picks, the slate has been wiped clean and everybody starts from the same place. It’s like an entirely new contest all together. So suck on that, Ryan.

 

It looks like the road teams are getting a ton of love from the SBS Staff and that seems a bit surprising. The only road team that I think is a lock to win is the Seahawks. If you’ve seen them play recently then you understand what I mean. Sorry Bryce, it’s not like I don’t think the Vikings are any good, because I do, it’s just that Seattle has been here before and their defense and QB are playing pretty out of this world right now. And Marshawn Lynch is back at full speed, and running on a fresh set of legs. Prepare for some classic ‘beast mode’ moments. I know it hurts, but it’s ok. There’s always next year….

 

The Wild Card Picks:

Divisional Round

 

Week 17

 

 


ScoreBoredSports NFL Staff Picks: Week 16

Written by :
Published on : December 24, 2015

 

Sweet week 16. I’m still in 3rd place with a shot to overtake Antoine. A bunch of jerks behind me. Unless Ryan is unable to get to a computer then the prize is his. Unrelated, would anyone be interested in stealing a computer for me? I’ll pay. The winner of this year’s Staff Picks will receive a pretty dope trophy. Trust me, you want it. This trophy will rotate year to year with the champion. Who knows, maybe even YOU can hoist it. Write us something, join the staff and win next year!

 

I had a solid week with a 13-3 record. Only Roger and Joe (both 14-2) did better. Overall we killed it. It’s almost like we are getting better at this as the year goes on. Wild. I’m going with a few road dogs hoping to keep last week’s trend rolling. I think Washington has a solid shot at Philly. I’ll take Pats, Panthers, Texans, Bears and Steelers. All on the road. I have the Cards at home over the Packers. If AZ can run the ball like the did last Sunday then they should cruise but this is the time of year Rodgers likes to go off. So keep an eye on this one. GB wins big here and they march into the playoffs with some real energy. I’d hate that.

 

Can the Panthers stay undefeated? I’m not betting against them. Even in a divisional game. I see Cam Newton dancing (dabbing?) into more end zones but is coach Ron Rivera going to sit him at some point? To preserve him for the postseason. I mean, he is a running QB. One good hit and that team is in serious trouble. Winning the Super Bowl is more important than going 16-0. But they have the first round bye locked up. And if he sits too long then that may ruin the offensive rhythm. So I don’t even know what the right call is. Either way, they beat Atlanta.

 

I hope to god I don’t finish in 3rd so people stop calling me “Bronze Medal Bitch Bruno.” Here are your picks—

 

Week 16

 

 

Week 1

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Week 3

Week 4

Week 5

Week 6

Week 7

Week 8

Week 9

Week 10

Week 11

Week 12

Week 13

Week 14

Week 15

 

 


ScoreBoredSports NFL Staff Picks: Week 13

Written by :
Published on : December 3, 2015

 

As we head back to the grind after a holiday weekend, the clearing smoke shows that Bryce had a massive week and that Ryan and Antoine remain monsters. I managed to have my best week yet, inching up ever so slightly above last place.

 

This week I’m going to focus on my favorite topic: Me. Why am I so bad at this? I’d say I follow the NFL much closer than your average bear, and I’d like to think I’m reasonably intelligent, somewhat articulate, bearable to be around, and potentially attractive to the opposite sex in very low-light situations. I think for me it comes down to historical biases, as opposed to emotional ones. Even without Romo, the Cowboys gotta win one or two, right? Wrong. These second year quarterbacks are on a jag that’s gonna last forever, right? Wrong. The Seahawks are damn near a dynasty by now, right? Wrong.

 

Much like fashion, a chameleon’s ass, and your favorite String Cheese Incident poster after you’ve dropped acid, the individual wins and short term trends of any season are ever changing and fluctuating, even if we tend to focus on the established records of perennially winning teams when it’s over. I for one, am going to try and read those tea leaves with a closer focus on the immediate now as opposed to the macro picture, and may very well allow myself one emotional bias. The Lions are at least gonna be a contender in the NFC North, right? WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

 

Here are your staff picks for week 13:

 

Week 13

 

 

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4

Week 5

Week 6

Week 7

Week 8

Week 9

Week 10

Week 11

Week 12

 

 


ScoreBoredSports NFL Staff Picks: Week 12

Written by :
Published on : November 25, 2015

 

Thursday is Thanksgiving, the holiday that football owns the same way that Bill Murray owns Groundhog Day. It’s inescapable. If you’re not watching it on TV or playing it in the front yard, then you’re probably hiding in the kitchen filling up on hors d’oeuvres and making small talk with your boring cousin. Good luck with that. I’ll see you at halftime.

 

Meanwhile, these ScoreBoredSports NFL Staff Picks remains a tight race. Ryan and Antoine still lead the pack. I find myself squarely in the middle —  ten points away from both highest and lowest record. Oh, and Alex and Mike both have the same stats (95-65). Not bad? Not good enough. All it takes it one good/bad week to change everything.

 

I’m not much for trash talk, so I’m going the opposite route this week — passive aggressive kindness. Enjoy your Thanksgiving, SBS staffers, and good luck with this week’s picks. Don’t choke.

 

Week 12

 

 

 

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4

Week 5

Week 6

Week 7

Week 8

Week 9

Week 10

Week 11

 

 


ScoreBoredSports NFL Staff Picks: Week 11

Written by :
Published on : November 19, 2015

 

Hello out there everyone,

It’s been since week 1 that I’ve written the intro to these ScoreBoredSports NFL Staff Picks, and what a rollercoaster of a ride it has been. I spent the first few weeks in the basement of the standings but since then, I’ve really turned things around. I’ve had a 1st or 2nd place record for the past 4 weeks and I’m clawing my way back to relevance. Sure, I’m still 11 correct picks behind Antoine and Ryan but if they have just a couple more stinkers like last week then I’ll be right in the thick of it. I think I can, I think I can…

 

There are a few interesting trends in the way the SBS Staff picked this week’s slate of games. For instance, the Jaguars are the consensus winner over the Titans, as if the Jags are some sort of standard of excellence nowadays (or maybe the Titans are just THAT bad). Also, the Lions seems to have restored faith amongst quite a few of us here and as a lifelong Lions fan, that is the perfect time for them to let everyone down. Besides that, everyone is picking the Patriots and Panthers to win their respective games and remain the last two undefeated teams. How great would it be for both of them to lose? Anyways let’s get to the picks.

 

Week 11

 

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4

Week 5

Week 6

Week 7

Week 8

Week 9

Week 10

 

 

 

 

 


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