Best Wide Receiver combos in the NFL

Written by :
Published on : March 21, 2017

 

 

There have been some big roster shake ups since the start of NFL free agency. Many new faces in new places. Every team is trying to get faster, younger and better but who really did improve? So, the question is: which team now has the premier wide receiver duo? Let’s take a second and look around the league to determine which franchise has the best WR’s going into the 2017 season. These are your top 8 wideout tandems.

 

#8 – Allen Robinson and Allen Hurns – Jacksonville Jaguars

Team Allen had a breakout campaign in 2015 but 2016 proved to be a bit rougher. It’s clear that both these guys have the talent to post monster numbers. The biggest factor here isn’t the WR’s but everyone else. The defense that never takes the ball away, the inconsistent QB and the often dreadful play-calling.

 

#7 – Jarvis Landry and DeVante Parker – Miami Dolphins

Another set of young guns that have the speed and hands to wreck opposing secondaries. Like the duo from Jacksonville, the Miami unit also suffers from up and down production from their signal caller. One could only imagine the numbers they would post with a Aaron Rodgers/Tom Brady type.

 

 

#6 – Golden Tate and Marvin Jones – Detroit Lions

It’s better to have two great receivers than one amazing one and average one. Just ask the Lions. The team always struggled to find a sidekick for Calvin Johnson, allowing defenses to zone in on him and limit his effectivness. The current Lions are much harder to defend because both Tate and Jones have the ability to be a force.

 

#5 – Bradin Cooks and Julian Edelman – New England Patriots

Cooks has yet to catch a pass from Brady but one can imagine how dangerous he will be playing for the champs. This also allows Edelman to move back to the number two spot where he is a better natural fit. Now, Cooks can handle the down field routes while Edelman takes the underneath.

 

#4 – Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb – Green Bay Packers

This team may have been the best receiving combo over the last few years. Injuries are the only thing capping their success. I despise throwing praise to any Packer players but these guys are legit. It will interesting to see how the passing game will work in 2017 with Davante Adams in the mix.

 

 

#3 – Alshon Jeffery and Jordan Matthews – Philadelphia Eagles

One of the only number 1 receivers to change squads this offseason. Jeffery will join Matthews in Philly. Both are big bodied guys who can do it all. Their youth and strength give them a huge upside. The real question is how it is all going to work. Seeing they are playing with a sophomore QB in Carson Wentz.

 

#2 – Mike Evans and DeSean Jackson – Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Jackson just signed with the Bucs and he brings agility and ball skills to wide out unit already featuring rising star, Mike Evans. This pairing is great because Jackson is small (5’10”) and Evans is big (6’5″). They are the new David and Goliath of football. Both will benefit playing along side each other, which makes me believe both are bound for huge seasons.

 

Djax bucs

 

#1 –  Odell Beckham Jr and Brandon Marshall – New York Giants

The top spot on the list. We all know how good OBJ is but the addition of Marshall is just nuts. Brandon Marshall has played the role of top option most of his career. Adding him will force defenses to pick their poison. Blanket both guys and the run game will kill you. The Giants just got a little bigger.

 

Over half the teams listed will feature a new wide receiver combo this year. So it’s hard to guess who will stay healthy and who will gel in a different offense but the on paper talent is clear as day. The pass-happy NFL is gearing up for another high-flying season and I can not wait. Did I leave out your favorite WR combo? Or do you think my order is crazy? Leave a comment.

 

Just give me the damn ball.

 

 


What to do with Tony Romo?

Written by :
Published on : February 14, 2017

 

 

What will happen with veteran quarterback Tony Romo? Rookie Dak Prescott kicked ass all last year and soundly won the job in Dallas. Even when Tony was healthy, it was clear that Jason Garrett and company were going to ride the hot hand and stay with Dak. As management plans out the next season, this question begs to be answered. What do you do with a guy like Tony?

 

The one thing we know for sure is that Tony Romo will be leaving the Dallas Cowboys. I’m sure the faithful would love to see him stay on as a backup but Romo is owed way too much money for that type of role. Plus, Tony sees himself as a starter. Those factors say he is going to a new team. His injury history suggests no one is trading for him but you never know. The best guess is that the Jerry Jones will cut the former face of the franchise. This will allow Tony Romo to sign with any team. Let’s check out some of his options.

 

 

San Francisco 49ers

Just hear me out. The 49ers will have zero QB’s under contract once Kap leaves. New GM, new coach, new start. They will need someone who can play day one and bring some leadership to the huddle. Someone to run the offense through. San Fran will no doubt draft a quarterback but throwing that kid right into the fire may not be the best move for development. So bringing in a Tony Romo type on a 3-year deal makes a lot of sense. But most importantly, it would really piss off Cowboy fans. For that alone, this should happen.

 

Chicago Bears

The Bears need a real answer under center. I don’t think anyone in Chicago wants another year of Brian Hoyer or *shutters* Jay Cutler. The team has some weapons on offense and their defense is improving. They are consistent quarterback play away from being competitive. The biggest selling point here is young running back Jordan Howard. He had a stellar rookie campaign and looks to be a complete back. Tony Romo could do much worse than handing off to Howard and playing with that D at Solider Field. Cleveland anyone?

 

 

Miami Dolphins

If the Dolphins ever want to challenge Tom Brady and the New England Patriots in the AFC East than they need an upgrade at signal caller. It may be time to pull the plug on the Ryan Tannehill experiment and find someone who can win right now. This type of splashy move could help bring the organization over the hump. Their roster is loaded on both sides of the ball but they need someone to galvanize the unit as a whole. Plus Miami never gets cold. Sounds like Tony Romo could be taking his talents to South Beach.

 

There you have it. Tony Romo is FOR SURE going to one of those three. Or maybe to the Broncos, Texans, Bills, Jets or even back to the Cowboys on a way smaller deal. Or somewhere else. But it’s for sure one of those. I mean all we know is he isn’t going to the Patriots. They already have a guy. I hear he’s good.

 

Anthony’s song.

 

 


Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon: Le’Veon Bell Waits and Waits… And “Who Can Kill a Child?”

Written by :
Published on : January 11, 2017

 

Welcome back to Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon. In this spooky sanctum I’ve poured over all the replay tape to come up with my favorite NFL play of the week. Then it’s straight back to the projector to unspool a film you may have not been aware of…

 

The lights have dimmed, the cauldron bubbles, and the bats roost above.

 

Wild Card Weekend: Le’Veon Bell waits… and waits for the opening on huge day

 

Watch: HERE

 

Le’Veon Bell had an amazing day on Sunday, busting down the field for 167 yards and the Steelers postseason single game rushing record. Out of all of Bell’s great moments in making the Dolphins’ defense look goofy and flatfooted, it’s this brilliant play in which Bell shows us why he’s top tier.

 

Bell puts a lot of trust in his offensive linemen as he waits for what seems like an eternity behind a black and yellow human wall before taking advantage of an open hole and breaking off 15. In watching most of the games this Wild Card Weekend, this play felt so much different from the majority of run plays I saw where guys with jitters were happy to just run into amped up defenses for a couple yards (this of course discounts Thomas Rawls, who took the Lions straight to shed with an impressive streak of power running).

 

Bell shows bonkers vision as a back and his acceleration is simply bananas. Let’s go Steelers.

 

Wild Card Weekend: Who Can Kill a Child?

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Director: Narciso Ibanez Serrador
Released: 1976

 

Definitely my favorite “evil kids” movie of all time. Narciso Ibanez Serrador’s Who Can Kill a Child? comes on strong with a provocative opening credit sequence depicting politically charged stills of wounded and dead children caught in war zones. But after that it’s a slow buildup to mayhem as a massively pregnant gal and her partner look for a little R & R on an island her beau had enjoyed visiting as a youth.

 

Despite a few kids running around, the town seems completely deserted and the tension mounts as the mystery unfolds. Meanwhile, the island’s moppet inhabitants become increasingly and disturbingly hostile.

 

child0011

 

A masterful sense of tone combined with a genuine 70’s grindhouse feel make this picture unforgettable as director Ibanez Serrador gleefully perverts the innocence of children in a sickening crockpot of menace to a point where the tykes are gleefully shooting guns at adults and turning their hapless elders into piñatas.

 

The picture’s astounding complexity is starkly laid out in a moment in which two boys are inspecting the mutilated corpse of a naked woman: it’s not the horror of violent death that attracts them, but instead it’s the novelty and taboo of her bare body that inflames their youthful curiosity, even in this most perverse of settings.

 

child0041

 

Of course our heroine’s advanced pregnancy provides for some built in tension, as well as some good philosophical grist for the mill in terms of the film’s message. The explosive final efforts of the couple to save themselves from the pipsqueak mob are worthy of the hysteric plateaus of The Last House on the Left (1972), and there’s a twist towards the end that sounds ludicrous on paper but is really quite effective in its unrelenting insanity.

 

The Children of the Corn end up looking like a bunch of candy-asses next to this murderous gang of li’l rascals. This is another one of those pictures that I can’t recommend highly enough.

 

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The trailer: 

 

 

Disc available for rental on Netflix and available for purchase on Amazon.

 

 


Blackout Bruno’s Wild Card Picks

Written by :
Published on : January 6, 2017

 

 

Oh snap, it’s Wild Card time. Deal me in and get me a drink. Seven and seven, please. Sorry about last post, I got New Year’s drunk, then angry drunk after the Lions game and time kind of got away from me. But I’m up and I’m ready to work. My final regular season record is 50-24-1. Pretty decent. Now, let’s flash ahead to the weekend and talk about the opening round of the NFL playoffs. These are Blackout Bruno’s Wild Card picks

 

Oakland Raiders at Houston Texans

 

This game is such a crapshoot. Both crews are without their top QBs so who knows what will really happen. Someone has to step up. Because it’s so hard to call, I’ll rely on old stand by garbage about being at home and how much better the Texans are in Texas.

Winner: Houston

 

Detroit Lions at Seattle Seahawks

This is not the super awesome Seahawks crew that won the Super Bowl. They have been up and down all year. Russell Wilson and company normally take care of business at home but I can see how Detroit could surprise everyone. I don’t think you will find any sports pundit picking Lions but this will be a wild game to be sure. Look for Golden Tate to have an epic day and a late Matt Prater Field goal wins it.

Winner: Detroit 

 

Miami Dolphins at Pittsburgh Steelers

The Dolphins are banged up. Matt Moore is starting and they are traveling to Pittsburgh to play outside, in the cold. Plus the Steelers have Antonio Brown, who can single handedly win you a game. I think Steelers win in a confident fashion.

Winner: Pittsburgh

 

New York Giants at Green Bay Packers

 

Looking at the weekend slate, this screams to be the most intriguing matchup. Giants defense is a powerful unit. They should keep this thing close but I just know that stupid Aaron Rodgers is going to find a way to pull it off. Like he almost always seems to do.

Winner: Green Bay

 

Let’s hope these games excite and delight. Try mixing things up by trying a new cocktail. I love a good vodka martini. Up, dirty and with olives. Too boozy tasting for you? Go tiki and blend up some fresh fruit, fresh citrus juice with dark rum over ice. Maybe throw some coconut cream in there. Grab a straw, kick back and let’s hope Wild Card weekend is interesting.

 

Onward.

 

 


Blackout Bruno’s NFL picks for week 17

Written by :
Published on : January 3, 2017

 

This article was penned the weekend leading up to week 17 but I got really drunk and forgot to post it. No picks were harmed or changed in the making of this. The correct picks are marked after each guess, along with my record so far.

 

Saturday, January 31st, 2016 –

Woah, just woke up from a 16 hour nap to discover I went 13-3 in week 15. Not bad for a guy with a severally damaged liver and brain. That brings my selective season total for picks to 40-18-1. That record could be even better if I didn’t pick my Lions to win against the Giants. Still mad about that game. Don’t even get me started on that awful Dallas fiasco on Monday night. I mean, Dez Bryant has a handful of facemask but the refs– I said DON’T get me started. Let’s all calm down with a cold one and the picks for week 17.

 

Quick note: many of these games are meaningless as the playoffs are all but set. So some younger players may see some snaps which may throw off the traditional wisdom.

 

Baltimore Ravens at Cincinnati Bengals

 

Ravens were 9 seconds away from beating the Steelers last week and having a shot at the postseason but Antonio Brown had other plans. Because of that, they come out mad and take it out all over a depleted Bengals crew.

Winner: Baltimore Bengals (0-1 so far)

 

Houston Texans at Tennessee Titans

This should have been the showdown for the AFC South crown but the Titans lost to Jags in week 16 and lost their star QB Marcus Mariota. This is a perfect time for the playoff bound Texans to learn how to win on the road.

Winner: Houston Tennessee (0-2)

 

Carolina Panthers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Bucs need a win and some help to get to the dance, plus they are playing at home and have motivation on their side. For the Panthers, this is the last game of their Super Bowl hangover. I’m sure they just want the season to be over.

Winner: Tampa Bay (1-2)

 

Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianpolis Colts

 

Despite all their preseason hype, the Jags are one of the league’s worst. While Andrew Luck and the Colts can flash moments of awesome. That is more than enough for Indy to take care of business in front of their home crowd.

Winner: Indianpolis (2-2)

 

New England Patriots at Miami Dolphins

Miami is currently the 6th seed in the AFC going into the playoffs. That projects them to travel to Pittsburgh (outdoors) for the Wild Card. That’s not great for the Dolphins chances, a win against the Pats could get them the 5th seed which pits them against Houston (indoors). Pair all this with the idea that New England may sit some starters and you have upset written all over.

Winner: Miami New England (2-3)

 

Chicago Bears at Minnesota Vikings

Bears are garbage. Vikings defense is good. Case closed.

Winner: Minnesota (3-3)

 

Buffalo Bills at New York Jets

 

Speaking of garbage, the New York Jets everyone. They can’t stop anyone and they have no answer at QB. The Bills are better than their record and can run the ball effectively.

Winner: Buffalo New York (3-4)

 

Cowboys Dallas at Philadelphia Eagles

Dallas has it all locked up and is waiting for the divisional round of the playoffs. They will be mentally checked out. While the Eagles and their young QB are trying to grow and learn with each snap.

Winner: Philadelphia (4-4)

 

Cleveland Browns at Pittsburgh Steelers

Browns just got their first win last week. I was as shocked as you. But that mostly just proves you can never count on the Chargers for anything. None of that matters, Steelers run all over Cleveland.

Winner: Pittsburgh (5-4)

 

New Orleans Saints at Atlanta Falcons

 

Falcons are playing for a potential first round bye and they rock at home. Don’t count the Saints out as Drew Brees flashes some vintage magic to make this interesting but it’s not enough.

Winner: Atlanta (6-4)

 

New York Giants at Washington R-words

The G-men’s D is solid and but for Washington, this is their whole season. Should be a tough divisional matchup. I can see it either way but I’ll give New York the edge. True they have less to play for but they know it’s important to hit the postseason with some momentum.

Winner: New York (7-4)

 

Arizona Cardinals at Los Angeles Rams

Both these organizations had high hopes for 2016. Those hopes were dashed weeks ago but the Cardinals are still miles ahead of the lowly Rams.

Winner: Arizona (8-4)

 

Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos

 

What happened to Denver? Suddenly they can’t run the ball and that promising start isn’t enough to get them back to the playoffs. The Raiders will hand the offense over to Matt McGloin in place of injured QB Derek Carr. An ugly game but McGloin gets the win.

Winner: Oakland Denver (8-5)

 

Kansas City Chiefs at San Diego Chargers

Chargers lost to the winless Browns last week and will keep the crappy play going against the red-hot Chiefs. Look for super weapon Tyreek Hill to make fools out of the San Diego coverage units.

Winner: Kansas City (9-5)

 

Seattle Seahawks at San Francisco 49ers

HAHAHAH! Niners just fired everyone for the train wreck of season they are having. I kind of thought they were going to give Chip Kelley another year. Whatever. Seattle rolls in this tuneup game.

Winner: Seattle (10-5)

 

Green Bay Packers at Detroit Lions

This game will determine who is King of the North! So conflicted here. If I pick the Lions they will lose. But I can’t bring myself to pick the Packers out of principle so I guess it will be a tie. Go Lions.

No Winner: Tie Green Bay (10-6) 

 

That’s it for the regular season picks. If I’m not in jail, I’ll try and get some Wild Card predictions in for you to enjoy. Until then, make your favorite cocktail and hold your loved ones close. Who knows what the future holds.

 

Playoffs?

 

 


Blackout Bruno’s NFL picks for week 15

Written by :
Published on : December 15, 2016

 

Sorry for the long absence. I’m still sweating out this hangover after my recent trip to New Orleans. My record last time out was 10-4 (week 10) which gives me an overall record of 27-15-1. Not bad. I’ve done better and better each week, let’s keep this streak going. Let’s streak through the quad and into the gymnasium. These are your booze inspired picks for week 15.

 

Los Angeles Rams at Seattle Seahawks

Seattle bounces back after a dismal showing against the Packers and stomps a Rams team that just fired its head coach. These crews are headed in opposite directions. Seahawks rack it up.

Winner: Seattle

 

Miami Dolphins at New York Jets

 

No Tannehill? No problem. Dolphins focus on the run and push over a terrible Jets team. New York is at home but just barely, the game is on Saturday so the Giants can have all day with the stadium on Sunday. It’s clear which New York squad is liked best.

Winner: Miami

 

Detroit Lions at New York Giants

Two offenses that can’t really run the ball. Both have played in lots of close contests. both have better records than most want to give them credit for. Lions are the hotter team having won their last 5 but the Giants just slayed the mighty Cowboys. It’ll be a nail-bitter but the Lions pull it out, again.

Winner: Detroit

 

Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears

It may be closer than most expect but Green Bay will win. I know this because I need them to lose, so they won’t. It’s nearly guaranteed. Rodgers and company keep moving the ball down field and link up on several deep bombs.

Winner: Green Bay

 

Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans

 

Jags are bad and already thinking about draft picks while Houston needs this game to stay atop the division as the Titans and Colts nip at their heels. Texans also play way better at home and pull away in the second half.

Winner: Houston

 

Cleveland Browns at Buffalo Bills

Cleveland will not win a game this year. Buffalo is better than their 6-7 record and they are going to prove it all over the Browns. Shady McCoy runs for over a 100 yards and adds a few touchdowns. Cleveland adds some points late but it’s never close.

Winner: Buffalo

 

Philadelphia Eagles at Baltimore Ravens

Bird battle. Ravens are mad salty after the loss to the Pats. They bring their A-game plus that wicked defense. Wentz turns it over late and that seals it. Baltimore keeps their playoff hopes alive.

Winner: Baltimore

 

Tennessee Titans at Kansas City Chiefs

 

I’m taking a real risk here. KC is very good in all phases of play. Also, they are nearly bulletproof playing at Arrowhead but they just lost LB Derrick Johnson. The Titans run the ball very well and have been rocking lately. They steal a win on the road.

Winner: Tennessee

 

Indianapolis Colts at Minnesota Vikings

Both crews need a W to stay in the postseason conversation. Andrew Luck turns on the magic and hits Hilton for a big score. Colts play spoiler and the Vikings will kick themselves for losing this one. Especially since they play Green Bay next.

Winner: Indianapolis

 

Pittsburgh Steelers at Cincinnati Bengals

The simple truth is that the Steelers score too many points for the Bengals to hang. Wether it’s through the air to Antonio Brown or on the ground with Le’Veon Bell, it’s too much for Cincinnati. Big Ben gets his boys one step closer to the postseason.

Winner: Pittsburgh

 

New Orleans Saints at Arizona Cardinals

 

Two teams with vet QBs and sub .500 records. Everyone was expecting more. Who will step up? I give the edge to the Cards because of their strong run game. For viewers sake, let’s hope this is a barn-burner because entertainment is all they are playing for.

Winner: Arizona

 

San Francisco 49ers at Atlanta Falcons

Oh boy, this may be the most lopsided contest in week 15. Falcons need the victory to hold off the surging Bucs in the NFC South. The game is also in Atlanta and the 49ers stink. Matty Ice torches them for 350 yards and 4 TD’s.

Winner: Atlanta

 

New England Patriots at Denver Broncos

This isn’t the Peyton Manning Broncos and Tom Brady is rolling. How can you pick against the Pats after their big win on Monday night? They lit up that solid unit from Baltimore and are looking to do the same in Mile High.

Winner: New England

 

Oakland Raiders at San Diego Chargers

 

The Raiders get back on track in this game but it won’t be easy. Nothing ever is with the Chargers. Their whole team is injured but Philip Rivers keeps slinging. This will come down to the last two possessions but the Oakland defense comes up big.

Winner: Oakland

 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Dallas Cowboys

You can normally just pencil in a Cowboys win each week but they looked like mere mortals in their loss to the Giants. Tampa Bay is a solid squad that has won their last 5 and could prove to be a handful. Still have to think Dallas pulls it out.

Winner: Dallas

 

Carolina Panthers at Washington R-words

This game probably sounded like a fun matchup on paper last year but the 5-8 Panthers aren’t much of a draw for Monday Night Football. Washington is still in the wild card hunt so they will be jacked up and ready to ball.

Winner: Washington

 

Alright, get me a bloody mary and a nap. The playoffs are around the corner, oh and I guess Christmas too. So scratch that bloody and get me a bourbon eggnog, unless you started making it already. In which case, I’ll have both and a beer.

 

Let’s order delivery.

 

 


Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon Weeks 11 & 12 and “Night of the Lepus”

Written by :
Published on : November 30, 2016

 

Welcome back to Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon. In this spooky sanctum I’ve poured over all the replay tape to come up with my favorite NFL play of the week. Then it’s straight back to the projector to unspool a film you may have not been aware of…

 

Old Roger Pretzel loves him a Thanksgiving feast and this year was no exception, as friends and travel put me out of commission for the entire week. Now it’s back to work and we got some catching up to do!

 

Week 11: Steven Nelson Robs Mike Evans

 

VIDEO HERE

 

Cornerback is the hardest position in the league to play since you’re not allowed to sneeze on receivers, let alone touch them. Kansas City’s Steven Nelson shows great skill and dedication on this play, craftily slipping an arm between Mike Evans’s body and the ball, allowing him to tear it free from number 13 as the two went to the ground.

 

I’m seeing more and more plays like this as the rules and officiating evolve, with defenders playing to stop the ball with arms and hands, up close and personal with their target as opposed to more physical body positioning and plays where the defender tries to pull off flawless glove-like coverage. I like it. Let the ball come in and play it from there.

 

Week 12: Ndamukong Suh Stuffs Kaepernick For the Showstopper


The Niners have had an expectedly dismal season, but surprisingly the Miami Dolphins have been on a hell of a run as of late. Chip Kelly’s potentially tying drive in the game’s final minute showed pep and promise with some good throws by Kap and a great play by Torrey Smith to get out of bounds.

 

But with 2 seconds left on 2nd and goal Colin Kaepernick dithers for just a second as he decides whether to throw or run. Personally, I think he might have had this one if he committed to the run and turned on the jets, but ultimately one of football’s hardest working and most reviled bad guys, Ndamukong Suh, came back to pull Kaepernick down from behind as Kiko Alonso provided some steam-rolling insurance up front.

 

Weeks 11 & 12: Night of the Lepus

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Director: William F. Claxton
Released: 1972

 

The giant-animal-on-a-rampage film had its golden age in the 1950’s with nuclear and commie paranoia getting conjured up into massive ants, lizards, and tarantulas, amongst other beasties. The genre had a bit of resurgence, as well as a modification, with the “revenge of nature” films in the 1970’s as the country’s concerns about rampant pollution increased. This period provided us with gems like Food of the Gods (1976), and stinkers like Frogs (1972), but the most preposterous of them all was Night of the Lepus.

 

Night-of-the-Lepus

 

This is a movie about giant bunny rabbits that terrorize an Arizona town. Giant killer bunny rabbits.

 

Admittedly, the visual effects are pretty strong here with some great miniature sets and the occasional matte painting background. It also boasts performances by Psycho (1960) shower-scene victim Janet Leigh and Star Trek’s own Dr. Bones, DeForest Kelley, slumming it for the drive-in crowd. Oh, and let’s not forget the great Rory Calhoun either. Puppets are generally used for the attack scenes and while the picture’s questionable subject matter benefits from a deadly serious tone, the liberal use of paint-red blood in the wake of the carnivorous rodents is comically over the top.

 

lepus kelly and cast

 

The mad science behind the wascally wabbits is pretty well thought out for a film of this ilk with a hormone serum in testing, and a rabbit that is accidentally liberated from the researchers’ control group. There’s also some worthwhile social commentary with the rabbits becoming local pests in the first place due to humans killing off all the coyotes who were once the rabbits’ natural predators.

 

It’s ultimately a bit hard to watch Night of the Lepus and not struggle with a little cognitive dissonance: how can one take a movie about cattle-sized killer rabbits seriously even if the film is effective and dare I say… good on its own merits? Regardless, whether you’re in it for the novelty or are a true believer this one comes highly recommended.

 

nightofthelepus5

 

Scope out the trailer here:

 

 

Available for rental on Amazon and iTunes.

 


2016 NFL Stock Report for Week 11

Written by :
Published on : November 15, 2016

 

Trump is president. The peso is at historic lows, foreign markets are in crisis. Financial confidence is in the gutter. But this is about football which is a nice break from reading insane facebook posts or cringing at the news. So bust out the ticker and let’s check the stock report for week 11 of the 2016 NFL season.

 

Trending up

– Dak Prescott, QB Dallas Cowboys

They should call him NASDAQ Prescott cause this dude is money. He’s only thrown 2 picks compared to 14 TD’s in 9 games and has shown some real skills. While Tony Romo slipped a disc just watching from the sidelines.

 

– Miami Dolphins

They have won 4 in a row, found a running game behind Jay Ajayi and things are starting to click. It’s amazing how quick things can turnaround when you can run the ball. Now if they could just do something about those uniforms.

 

– Kansas City Chiefs

 

Since starting 2-2, the Chiefs have ripped off 5 wins and are in the hunt for a postseason birth. This is a balanced football team that everyone should stop sleeping on. You hear me beauty?

 

– Tennessee Titans

Titans are only 5-5 but their last win was a decisive one over Green Bay where they rumbled to a 47-25 victory. They broke big play after big play. This team has the tools to play challenger to Houston. That was a space joke.

 

Trending down

– Cleveland Browns

0-10. Maybe looking at 0-16. I don’t want to keep throwing acid on the baby (as they say) and continue to make fun of Cleveland but this franchise needs help and it will take years before anything changes. It’s plain sad.

 

– Minnesota Vikings

What a mess. Started 5-0, then went 0-4. Injuries piling up and three tough games looming. Fans are trying to cope. It’s so bad that even Hillary feels for them.

 

– Green Bay Packers

 

4-5, lost last 3. Can’t run the ball, leaky secondary and an unfriendly schedule the rest of the way out. Cheese futures are dropping like mad. You can get a wedge of aged cheddar for kraft single prices.

 

– San Francisco 49ers

This squad is really bad but I’m not even sure coach Chip Kelly is on the hot seat despite being 1-8. There is no talent on the offensive roster and the only reason people talk about them is to see who is taking a knee.

 

– Pittsburgh Steelers

Losers of 4 straight, the Black and Yellow need to figure it out, fast. They are still very much alive in the AFC North but the players at Heinz Field need to ketchup.

 

 

That’s your full stock report. Buy gold, watch The Wolf of Wall Street and make the money. If all else fails, invest in an independent film. It’s bulletproof.

 

Greed.

 

 


Blackout Bruno’s NFL picks for week 7

Written by :
Published on : October 18, 2016

 

 

My week 5 record was 8-6. Not great. But it’s a start and it’s something to build off. Now get your favorite uncle Bruno a drink and I’ll tell you the winners of NFL week 7.

 

Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers

The Bears aren’t very good, plus they have a short week of practice because they are playing on Thursday and it’s in Lambeau. All signs point to a double digit win for Green Bay. Rodgers throws 4 TDs and this one stops being competitive early.

Winner: Packers

 

New York Giants at Los Angeles Rams

 

Rams lost a close one to the Lions, while OBJ woke up for the G Men and racked up 222 yards and 2 TDs. I see both these trends continuing. New York wins after Odell Beckham Jr posts another monster performance. Los Angeles has one last shot at the end of the game but they come up short.

Winner: Giants

 

New Orleans Saints at Kansas City Chiefs

This is a tough one to call. The Saints are better than their 2-3 record suggests but it’s hard to earn a W in Arrowhead Stadium. It should be close but the KC defense holds Drew Brees in check and Jamaal Charles gets up to speed in a big way.

Winner: Chiefs

 

Minnesota Vikings at Philadelphia Eagles

This should be a low scoring affair because these are top defensive units. Vikings have the best D in the league but the Philly crew has also been excellent. Can’t pick against Minnesota the way they are playing. Don’t care where the game is.

Winner: Vikings

 

Indianapolis Colts at Tennessee Titans

 

I keep thinking Tennessee is weak and picking against them, and they keep proving me wrong. Well, I’m turning the corner on the Titans. They run all over the porous Indy defense and win a close one despite Andrew Luck’s late-game heroics.

Winner: Titans

 

Buffalo Bills at Miami Dolphins

Miami is hot garbage. They somehow beat the Steelers but I still don’t believe in them. The Bills have a legit D and enough weapons to score the points they need against a Dolphins crew that can’t get out of it’s own way. I still don’t understand how a roster that loaded plays so poorly.

Winner: Bills

 

Washington at Detroit Lions

I’m super hesitant to pick Detroit to win but Stafford is playing at an elite level right now. He has 7 TDs and 0 INTs in the last two games. Washington comes to Detroit on a four game winning streak but Stafford out duels Cousins who throws 2 picks in the loss.

Winner: Lions

 

Cleveland Browns at Cincinnati Bengals

 

The Browns are a dumpster fire. They are the last bad team in Cleveland. Maybe the Browns didn’t get the message that the city’s teams were going to stop sucking. The Bengals win the battle of Ohio with a balanced attack that Cleveland can’t stop.

Winner: Bengals

 

Oakland Raiders at Jacksonville Jaguars

Oakland is coming off a loss and should get back on track against a Jags team that isn’t scoring many points. Jacksonville has won their last two games but a weak running game makes them too one dimensional for a balanced Raider crew.

Winner: Raiders

 

Baltimore Ravens at New York Jets

The Jets do not look good. Their QB throws the ball away, they have trouble running the ball and their secondary gets burned deep regularly. Baltimore loves the deep ball. Joe Flacco has a field day and torches the jets who fall to 1-6.

Winner: Ravens

 

San Diego Chargers at Atlanta Falcons

 

San Diego always seems to be in this rough spot of having tons of injuries and losing close games in the 4th quarter. The Falcons on the other hand are flying high and finding success in all levels of the game. Atlanta should smash the Chargers at home.

Winner: Falcons

 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at San Francisco 49ers

Tampa is better than I think most give them credit for. They have talent on both sides of the ball and they are facing a 49ers team that doesn’t do much effectively. No matter who the QB is, San Fransisco will turn over the ball and the Bucs will turn that into easy points.

Winner: Buccaneers

 

New England Patriots at Pittsburgh Steelers

This should have been the best game of the week 7. But QB Ben Roethlisberger is out with a knee injury and that changes everything. Tom and the boys will have their way with the Steelers on their home field.

Winner: Patriots

 

Seattle Seahawks at Arizona Cardinals

 

Arizona started the year slowly but are finally rolling. David Johnson continues to prove he is one of the league’s most complete backs. Seattle is a good football team and this divisional matchup should be a great game. Johnson, the ground game and playing at home should give the Cards the edge.

Winner: Cardinals

 

Houston Texans at Denver Broncos

AKA “the Brock Bowl.” QB Osweiler left Denver for Houston in the offseason. Time for Brock to prove he made the right choice (beyond the huge payday). A hard fought battle but the Broncos defense at home will be too much to handle.

Winner: Broncos

 

 

That’s it. Nap time. Wake me when the pizza gets here. Or if the house is on fire. But please don’t disturb me for any other reason.

 

Liver spots.

 

 


Blackout Bruno’s NFL picks for week 5

Written by :
Published on : October 5, 2016

 

It’s late and I’ve had a few. Let’s go over the upcoming matchups in the NFL and I’ll tell you who is going to win. This is Blackout Bruno’s picks for week 5.

 

 

Arizona Cardinals at San Francisco 49ers

Both are 1-3 but someone has to win. Carson Palmer may not play after leaving with a concussion last Sunday, so look for a steady diet of David Johnson running the ball. 49ers D won’t have an answer.

Winner: Cardinals

 

New England Patriots at Cleveland Browns

Tom Brady’s first game back from suspension. Tom will play angry and the offense will score early and often. This shouldn’t even be close.

Winner: Patriots

 

Philadelphia Eagles at Detroit Lions

 

Two squads trending in the opposite directions. The Lions can’t stop anybody and Wentz and crew are full of confidence. Even at home, Lions won’t do enough to beat a fresh Philly team coming off their bye.

Winner: Eagles

 

Chicago Bears at Indianpolis Colts

Two flawed teams. I see lots of points and a close one but Andrew Luck gets the ball last and drives the field for the game winning score.

Winner: Colts

 

Tennessee Titans at Miami Dolphins

I don’t like either side. Titans can run the ball but the Fins are at home. Miami’s passing game should be able to get rolling versus a weak Tennessee secondary.

Winner: Dolphins

 

Houston Texans at Minnesota Vikings

 

Minnesota’s defense is at the top of their game. Houston has some play makers but not enough fire power to win on the road. Watch for Bradford to find TE Rudolph for another TD and the Vikings to stay undefeated.

Winner: Vikings

 

New York Jets at Pittsburgh Steelers

Jets defense is giving up a lot of points and QB Ryan Fitzpatrick keeps throwing the ball away. The Steelers on the other hand, are coming off a big win and want to keep that momentum going at home.

Winner: Steelers

 

Washington at Baltimore Ravens

This should be close but the Ravens are solid enough in all three phases of the game that they edge it out. I see Kirk Cousins throwing a late pick and then kicker Justin Tucker will seal it for Baltimore.

Winner: Ravens

 

Atlanta Falcons at Denver Broncos

 

I like Atlanta’s balanced attack but asking anyone to win in Denver seems like quite the task. Denver runs well enough to go play-action for a few scores. Matt Ryan makes a late 4th quarter comeback but falls short.

Winner: Broncos

 

Cincinnati Bengals at Dallas Cowboys

I went back and forth on this one. The Bengals should be able to score enough points to put pressure on the rookies (Prescott and Elliot) of the Dallas offense. This extra pressure leads to some turnovers that will ultimately decide the contest.

Winner: Bengals

 

San Diego Chargers at Oakland Raiders

Is it finally time for Oakland to shine? They have a good young QB, a variety of offensive options and are 3-0 on the road. I see them getting their first home win over a Chargers team that is still finding themselves.

Winner: Raiders

 

Buffalo Bills at Los Angeles Rams

 

Another total crapshoot. Who knows? The Rams are somehow 3-1 after their week 1 blowout loss. The Bills just beat the Pats at home. Still not sold on either. I’ll give the edge to my adopted second team, Go Rams.

Winner: Rams

 

New York Giants at Green Bay Packers

The Packers are coming off their bye and are playing at home plus their D line is shutting down the run. All bad signs for New York. Throw in Odell Beckham Jr’s uneven play and it doesn’t look good for the G-men.

Winner: Packers

 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Carolina Panthers

Tampa beat Atlanta in week 1, and Atlanta just took apart Carolina, so by the power of bullshit transitivity (joking this never works in sports) the Bucs the win. Honestly, Cam Newton may be out and that D is not what it was last year.

Winner: Buccaneers

 

 

Take what I say with a grain of salt. Or a salted rimmed margarita. Or a pitcher of margaritas. Okay, that’s all for now. I’m going to pass out. Who knows what week Blackout Bruno will return.

 

Broken picker.

 

 


Fantasy Football Waiver Wire: Week 3

Written by :
Published on : September 21, 2016

 

 

It’s only week 3 and already many big names have gone down with serious injuries. This is the biggest x-factor of fantasy football. Players on your team are going to get hurt. It happens. Champions scoop up their replacements and the next big thing off the waiver wire. So far, we’ve seen Keenan Allen, Jimmy Garoppolo, Danny Woodhead, Adrian Peterson, Robert Griffen III, Doug Martin, Ameer Abdullah, Josh McCown all get added to the injury report. Well, SBS is here to help. First, I’m going to assume you play in a good league and most of the notable players are already unavailable. Below are some free agent options (all less than 50% owned in ESPN standard leagues) to fill the holes in your fantasy roster.

 

QB

Carson Wentz, Philadelphie Eagles – The rookie isn’t totally lighting up the box score but he has been efficient moving the ball and has zero turnovers so far. Owned in 19.5% of ESPN leagues.

 

Ryan Fitzpatrick, New York Jets – Posted 14 and 20 points in his first two starts. Only 1 pick, plus Fitzpatrick has some solid options with Matt Forte, Eric Decker and Brandon Marshall (if he isn’t hurt). Owned in 33.2% of ESPN leagues.

 

RB

Fozzy Whittaker, Carolina Panthers – With Jonathan Stewart banged up, Fozzy got the start and put up 100 yards on 16 carries against the 49ers. Stewart’s hamstring may hold him a few weeks longer making Whittaker a must add. Owned in 1.1% of ESPN leagues

 

Jerick McKinnon, Minnesota Vikings – AP is going to miss some time and that opens the door for Jerick. Matt Asiata will also be in the mix but McKinnon is the back you want to add. Owned in 24.4% of ESPN leagues.

 

Jay Ajayi, Miami Dolphins – Another replacement killer. Arian Foster is nursing a groin injury so it’s time to add his backup. Ajayi got some work at the end of last game but the Dolphins were behind and not running the ball much. Look for Jay to post a decent stat line in Cleveland. Owned in 46% of ESPN leagues.

 

TE

Kyle Rudolph, Minnesota Vikings – Sam Bradford is in and he is throwing. Rudolph found the end zone for the first time with Sam as QB. Look for this trend to continue as the pass game becomes the focus because of the AP injury. Owned in 32.2% of ESPN leagues.

 

 

Jacob Tamme, Atlanta Falcons – Matt Ryan is red hot and spreading the ball all around. And there is plenty to go around. Tamme has at least 5 catches in both the first two games and has made it to pay dirt once. Falcons will keep passing and Julio Jones keeps sucking up all the coverage. Jacob is a steal right now. Owned in 10.9% of ESPN leagues.

 

WR

Cole Beasley, Dallas Cowboys – Rookie QB Dak Prescott (owned in 44.3% of ESPN leaagues) has built a rapport with the wideout and looks for him often. He has been second on the team in targets two weeks running. That consistency makes him a legit plug-and-play option for those in need. Owned in 7.4% of ESPN leagues.

 

Kenny Britt, Los Angeles Rams – Britt has posted 67 yards and 94 yards in two games. He has yet to score a TD but he is LA’s best receiving threat in terms of fantasy. You could do a lot worse. Owned in 8.3% of ESPN leagues.

 

Danny Amendola, New England Patriots – Coming off a 4 catch, 50 yard and 2 touchdown game, Danny will be a popular add. The Pats throw the ball enough that this makes sense, no matter who the QB is. Only owned in 3.5% of ESPN leagues.

 

K

Cairo Santos, Kansas City Chiefs – 10 points in week one, 15 in week two and hasn’t missed a field goal yet. Look at your roster, is your kicker this good? Owned in 28% of ESPN leagues.

 

Nick Novak, Houston Texans – 11 points in week one, 13 in week two and he’s only missed one field goal. Look at your roster, is your kicker this good? Owned in 9% of ESPN leagues.

 

D/ST

Philadelphia Eagles – The Philly D has scored 14 fantasy points in both games. They haven’t allowed more than real 14 points in any game and already have 4 takeaways. Owned in 27% of ESPN leagues.

 

 

Pittsburgh Steelers – This unit hasn’t scored a ton of points but they been solid through two contests. Never giving up more than 16 points and averaging two turnovers won per game. Not too bad for a crew owned in merely 21.2% of ESPN leagues.

 

Need more help than that? Then you’re probably screwed. Check back soon for more waiver wire tips as we approach the dreaded dog days of the bye weeks.

 

Flex.

 

 


Overreaction: NFL Week 2

Written by :
Published on : September 20, 2016

 

 

Week 2 is over. The 2016 season is officially off and running. Some would say it’s still too early to know anything about the identity of teams but those people have obliviously never met me. Listen up while I spout off wild, speculative snap judgements on all 32 NFL teams after only two games completed.

 

– The Bills are 0-2 and their season is already over. It was fun while it lasted Buffalo. Maybe they should have let Rock Star Bon Jovi buy the team a few years back.Well, better luck next time. Living on Prayer.

 

– The Jets offense is great as long as Matt Forte stays healthy and keeps moving them down the field. Without him, this team is doomed to be a sub .500 unit.

 

– The league office still hates the Detroit Lions. The conspiracy continues. In the 15-16 loss to the Titans, the Honolulu Blue and Silver were flagged 17 times for 138 yards. None worse than the two fantom calls that negated TD’s on back-to-back plays. Those calls completely changed the landscape of the game.

 

 

– The Titans are now 1-1 but this crew showed me little to make me believe in them. They exploited a super injury-weakened Lions D and scored some late points but that seems more situational than skill. It was mostly just smart play calling. I’m obviously still salty about this but this team sucks plain and simple.

 

– The Panthers got back on track in week 2 with a solid performance against the 49ers. Cam had 4 TD’s with two going to Kelvin Benjamin. This offense is even better than last year because Benjamin is back. Panthers look bound for another deep playoff run.

 

– San Fransisco blew out the Rams last week and no one knew what to make of them, but hanging with Carolina tells me they are more complete than most think. They leave the bottom of the barrel of last campaign and join the blurry middle of the pack.

 

– The Cincinnati Bengals cannot beat the Steelers. They melted down in the playoffs last year and failed again at Heinz field this Sunday. Marvin Lewis needs to figure a way to slay this dragon or else they might never get Andy Dalton that postseason win.

 

– The Steelers are legit. They score bunches of points and this is all without star running back Le’Veon Bell. If Big Ben stays off IR than the steel city boys are eyeing another division crown and maybe a meeting with the Patriots in the conference finals.

 

 

– Speaking of the AFC North, the 0-2 Cleveland Browns still suck. What’s new? Week 3 may see the Browns start their third QB of the year. Ouch. This team is done. Go hang out with the Bills. Your year is over.

 

– Baltimore is 2-0, sounds great but they barely came back against Cleveland and squeaked by Buffalo week 1. Two close wins against the worst of the NFL does not inspire confidence.

 

– Washington is 0-2 after losses to Dallas and Pittsburgh. Kirk Cousins is playing on the Franchise Tag trying to prove he is worth a big contract. So far, he hasn’t shown that moxie of 2015. Things better turnaround quick or the D.C. area may have to start rebuilding, again.

 

– The Cowboys got their first win with rookies Dak Prescott at QB and Ezikel Elliot at RB. This young team is lead by that great offensive line but I don’t see them going too far with all that inexperience running the show.

 

– Giants are looking good. I talked shit about them before but at 2-0 they are now the favorites to win the NFC East. The defense has played well and they have showed guts in two close contests.

 

 

– The Saints are winless. It feels like the same story every year with these guys. They can score lots of points and Drew Brees keeps it close but they can’t string the W’s together. No chance at the playoffs.

 

– The Miami Dolphins. A squad full of talent and names that never seems to be able to put it all together. Another slow start at 0-2 and Arian Foster is already dealing with health issues. Call the nurse, we have another dead team. Sorry not Sorry.

 

– The New England Patriots are undefeated and playing without Gronk or Brady. Their next two games are at home and untested rookie, Jacoby Brissett, may start at QB for the injured Jimmy Garoppolo. If the Pats are ever going to lose, it may be next week against Houston, but after that, they will probably run the table. As per usual.

 

– The Houston Texans will win the AFC South. They are 2-0 and the most complete team in the division. I’m sure JJ Watt can’t wait to introduce himself to Brissett on Thursday night.

 

– Kansas City Chiefs are a hard team to read. They beat the Chargers week 1 but lost to the Texans. They will hang around the Wild Card spot most of the year only to drop off at the end.

 

 

– The Los Angeles Rams are one of the worst teams in the league. It pains me to type that because they are now my second favorite. It’s a mystery how they beat Seattle but it was a 9-3 ugly affair. They should start planning their draft picks now.

 

– The Seahawks are 1-1 after that bizarre game with L.A. that saw injuries to Thomas Rawls, Tyler Lockett and Russell Wilson. Russ stayed in the game but was clearly ailing. Seattle will weather the storm and make a serious push for the playoffs.

 

– Arizona lost a close one with the Pats in week 1 and took their anger out on the Bucs in week 2. This is a solid team top to bottom. They will be hosting a postseason game. Hopefully Carson Palmer can last that long.

 

– Tampa Bay is 1-1. They have some nice pieces across the roster but don’t get too excited. They are not ready for prime time. Maybe they can finish second in the NFC South. No postseason though.

 

– Jacksonville Jaguars were a breakout pick from many talking heads in the sports world. I’ll admit they have many promising players but they still suck.

 

 

– San Diego Chargers are once again battling the injury bug. Already, key starters Keenan Allen and Danny Woodhead are done for the year. This trend will unfortunately continue because that’s what happens in San Diego.

 

– The Falcons sit at 1-1. Matty Ice leads an even attack that is more than effective but the lack of close out defense will limit Atlanta’s potential. No playoffs for you, one year.

 

– The Raiders have all the tools needed to make the postseason and they will finally punch their ticket this year. Move over Warriors, Oakland’s true love is going to the dance for the first time since 2002.

 

– The Colts can’t stop anybody so they will keep losing. They are 0-2 and have zero chance of winning their division.

 

– Broncos will be playing without DeMarcus Ware for a bit but it’s okay, that defense is still so nasty that they will be in every game. Look for Denver to have another serious playoff run.

 

 

– Green Bay is 1-1 after a win over the Jags and a loss to the rival Vikings. Jordy Nelson doesn’t look 100% and Eddie Lacy is still fat. I hope and pray the wheels fall off but they will probably turn it around all over the my Lions this Sunday.

 

– The Sam Bradford project is working in Minnesota. The Vikings beat the Packers which is all you need to do to win over the locals. The team is 2-0 but may have lost Adrian Peterson for extended time. I still see them in the hunt for a Wild Card birth.

 

– Carson Wentz looks good in two games. The Eagles are 2-0 and those monsters in Philly must be smiling. Just wait for some adversity and those cheers will turn to boos. The Eagles can’t keep this up.

 

– Bears are really bad. Jay Cutler is worse. And the schedule doesn’t get any easier. At least the Cubs are good.

 

Is it week 3 yet?

 

 


Preseason Questions for all 32 NFL Teams

Written by :
Published on : August 17, 2016

 

 

The sports gods have answered our prayers and brought NFL football back to us mortals. Huzzah! It’s only preseason action but it’s better than nothing. These early practice games are great because they give us a chance to see the team for the first time. Naturally, many questions will bubble to the surface about each squad. Will this rookie make an impact? Will this player stay healthy? Who will win the starting the job? There is tons of buzz out there but these are the big questions facing each NFL team. Find your favorite franchise below and see what they are dealing with.

 

AFC North

Browns – Can RGIII stay on the field for 16 games and be the QB Cleveland needs to move forward?

Steelers – Can this team stay healthy and out of jail?

Ravens – Will the defense improve enough to make them competitive again?

Bengals – Can Andy Dalton be the guy who takes them deep into postseason? Or just win one single  playoff game?

 

 

AFC East

Patriots – Can New England survive Tom Brady’s four game suspension under Jimmy Garoppolo and still win the division?

Dolphins – Will this squad ever play up to their potential?

Bills – How will Tyrod Taylor fare under center in his second year?

Jets – With Fitz back at QB, can the Jets score enough points to win games?

 

AFC South

Colts – Which Andrew Luck will we see? 2014 or 2015?

Jaguars – Is this the season everyone wakes up and believes in the Jags passing attack?

Titans – Tons of new pieces, how will they all work together?

Texans – Is Brock Oswieler really the guy?

 

brock osweiler

 

AFC West

Broncos – Will Mark Sanchez butt-fumble in Denver?

Chiefs – How long will Jamaal Charles last?

Chargers – Can anyone on the team stay off Injured Reserve?

Raiders – Can the Raiders finally get out of their own way?

 

NFC North

Lions – Can the o-line hold up so Stafford finally has some time?

Packers – Is Eddie Lacy too fat?

Bears – Why is Jay Cutler still there?

Vikings – Can AP carry them to another division title?

 

 

NFC East

Cowboys – Who will get hurt first: Tony Romo or Dez Bryant?

Giants – Is Eli Manning still good?

Eagles – What is the identity of this team? Seriously. And don’t say Sam Bradford.

Skins – Can Kirk Cousins keep up his play from the end of last year?

 

NFC South

Saints – Does Drew Brees have any tricks left up his sleeve?

Panthers – How does Cam respond to losing the Super Bowl? Is there any hangover?

Falcons – Can the defense figure out how to stop anyone?

Buccaneers – Bucs took a kicker in the 2nd round of the draft, how many misses before fans freak out?

 

 

NFC West

Cardinals – Is David Johnston really all that? And a bag of chips?

Niners – How much of a mess will the offense be under Chip Kelly?

Seahawks – Is this the year they start throwing Jimmy Graham the ball?

Rams – Can Todd Gurley keep up his dominance? Or will opposing defenses finally figure out how to stop him?

 

Real-deal NFL games are only a few weeks away. So close, I can almost taste it. The regular season starts Thursday, September 8th. Until then, let’s enjoy the rest of the preseason and hope no one gets badly injured. Leave any questions you may have in the comments.

 

Are you ready for some football?

 

 


SBS Film Vault: Ace Ventura Pet Detective

Written by :
Published on : May 26, 2016

 

 

 

Jim Carrey owned the 90s. Films like The Mask, Dumb and Dumber, Batman Forever, Cable Guy, Liar Liar, and The Truman Show were staples of the decade. But maybe the best of them was Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. It says ‘pet’ in the title but this flick is more NFL than anything else. Dan Marino, the Miami Dolphins, and their field goal-kicking mascot, Snowflake, round out the background of this laugh-riot. Let’s bust out the VHS and re-explore Ace Ventura, ScoreBoredSports style.

 

The plot

The mascot of the Miami Dolphins, a dolphin named Snowflake is kidnapped just before the Super Bowl. Jim Carrey’s character, Ace, is hired to find the fish (mammal) before the big game kicks off. Did we mention the dolphin kicks field goals? Yeah, so this is super important. It should be known that Ventura is an animal expert with a wicked sense of humor. So sit back and get ready to enjoy. Oh yeah, and Courteney Cox is there, too. She works for the football team.

 

Dan Marino

Ace-Ventura2

 

The film has Marino in the Super Bowl which only ever happened once in 1985, and they lost. But Dan is one of the best QB’s ever, and he is pretty funny in the movie. Maybe he should do more film work, like his part in Bad Boys II. Late in the film, Marino gets kidnapped by the bad guys so he’ll miss the big game. Ace saves the day and gets Dan back for the second half of the Super Bowl. That would be a pretty amazing story if it were real.

 

Tone Loc

This smooth-ass brother deserves his own segment. His character, Emilio, is the only person in the Miami Police Department that tolerates Ace. Tone Loc also has an original song in the movie. This guy does it all. But really it’s all about that deep voice. I hear it and I think about Loc’s hit “Wild Thing” or the movie FernGully: The Last Rainforest where he voices a cartoon lizard. It’s real gold from my childhood. Emphasis on hood. Reptile jokes aside, Emilio believes Ace when no one else will, and having a cool black friend is always good for your weird white protagonist.

 

Ace Ventura 3

 

I close out with Ace beating the crap out of the Philadelphia Eagles mascot during the Super Bowl. The mascot scares away a rare bird Ace has been trying to capture all movie. They start brawling, then the camera goes on Ace and they introduce him as “a lover of all animals” while he continues to wail on the eagle. Just perfect.

 

Alrighty then.

 

 


A Mockery of the NFL Draft

Written by :
Published on : April 28, 2016

 

 

This is not a mock draft, it’s a mockery of the crazy draft coverage we have come to love and hate. If you want someone to guess who your team is going to choose then ask Mel Kiper. If you want football jokes then I’m your huckleberry. Most experts say that the best way to build a winner is through the draft and I generally agree. This list will address what each NFL franchise needs to become successful right now. Let’s get to it. The first team is on the clock:

 

1st – Los Angeles Rams

With the first pick in the 2016 NFL Draft, the Los Angeles Rams select a really good lawyer! This mid-level team just got bumped up to first class and I don’t know if they are ready for the off-the-field life in Los Angeles. I wouldn’t be surprised if at least two different Rams get into legal trouble this first year. Rams need a top flight legal team. It’s an investment in their future.

 

2nd – Philadelphia Eagles

The Eagles should pick either Andy Reid or Donovan McNabb. Remember how solid they were back then? Like in the NFC Championship every year good. Maybe they just need Mrs. McNabb and some Campbell’s Chunky Chicken Noodle soup.

 

 

3rd – San Diego Chargers

Stem cells! Yup, that’s their pick. A giant vat of stem cells. I think they had 200 players go on season ending injured reserve last season. Ouch.  A few well-placed stem cell injections will have these guys back in the division race.

 

4th – Dallas Cowboys

Clones of Tony Romo and Dez Bryant. One of these guys (Tony) is always hurt. I think everyone in Texas would like to see a full year of them playing together.

 

5th – Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jags offensive unit is decent and has a core of young talent. Where they need help is on defense so I suggest drafting the Incredible Hulk. A great run stopper who can also rush the passer. You do not want to make him angry.

 

hulk

 

6th – Baltimore Ravens

Will Smith from Men in Black so he can use his memory-eraser thing to get America to forget about that Ray Rice elevator tape. This team can’t win until we all move on.

 

7th – San Francisco 49ers

A time machine. So the 49ers can go back just a few short years when they looked like the most stacked team in the league. Back when the city and management loved coach Harbaugh. They lost the Super Bowl and it all started to unravel.

 

8th – Cleveland Browns

A genie or a wizard. Someone magical. This squad needs spiritual help of the cosmic order to reverse the bad juju they carry into every game. I’d also take a voodoo priestess or witch if they had a quick enough 40 yard dash time.

 

9th – Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Johnny Depp. The ultimate Buccaneer, Mr. Captain Jack Sparrow himself! They try so hard to act pirate at those home games. But they never win much. Some star power could turn that all around.

 

jack sparrow

 

10th – New York Giants

A hair stylist for Odell Beckham Jr. He is the best player on the team and you want to build around your greatest assets. OBJ has fantastic hair and that could use some full-time attention.

 

11th – Chicago Bears

Anyone to replace Jay Cutler. Literally anyone. Do you know a guy?

 

12th – New Orleans Saints

Jimmy Graham. I don’t how they ever let their version of Gronk leave. But since then, their offense has been missing something. I’m sure Brees would love it.

 

13th – Miami Dolphins

LeBron James. It helped the Heat win a championship. I mean if Dan Marino can’t win one then Ryan Tannehill has no chance at a ring without some serious assistance. If James brought his talents to South Beach then I could see the Phins winning not one, not two, not three but 18 championships.

 

 

14th – Oakland Raiders

A moving van to get them to Los Angeles. I don’t know what they are waiting for? There are millions of fans in LA who would greet them with open arms. Plus they can join the Rams and play at their new stadium. Oakland has no cash for a new building so this seems like a no-brainer.

 

15th – Tennessee Titans

A real Titan. I’m talking the enemy of Zeus and the other Greek Gods. Huge, elemental terrors that can destroy a city in an instant. Hopefully, this rookie will help lower opposing offenses 3rd down completion percentages.

 

16th – Detroit Lions

Sonic the Hedgehog. Many fans want to see O Line improvements but that can be addressed in later rounds. The Lions must deal with the retirement of Calvin Johnson by drafting a speedy receiver who can take the top off the defense. Plus he’d look good in those blue and silver uniforms.

 

sonic

 

17th – Atlanta Falcons

Rick from The Walking Dead. He’s from Atlanta so the fans will love him, plus he will do WHATEVER it takes to win. You got to have guts to play in the NFL and Rick Grimes knows guts.

 

18th – Indianapolis Colts

A new kidney for Andrew Luck.

 

19th – Buffalo Bills

Buffalo Bill, the serial killer from Silence of the Lambs. Also knows as John Grant, Jack Gordon or Jame Gumb. This guy is a sneaky pick because he can play multiple rolls, has that killer instinct and should not be underestimated. Also the name thing is kind of perfect.

 

jame Gumb

 

20th – New York Jets

Jets could use a new QB but I think they should get Donald Trump to act as owner, GM and coach. Maybe QB too if he is up to it. Trump already reps NYC hard and claims to make “the best deals” so it should be a perfect fit.

 

21st – Washington (offensive name omitted)

A new owner. Dan Synder sucks bad. Change your racist team name already.

 

22nd – Houston Texans

A body guard for Brock Osweiler. Management gave this guy tons of money so nothing can happen to him or they are screwed. This organization is acting like they are a good QB away from a deep playoff run. If Brock is the guy then you must keep him safe.

 

23rd – Minnesota Vikings

The big dragon from Game of Thrones. This is a controversial choice because the beast could do some harm to Minnesota but I think the Vikings are the one team that could maybe work with the dragon and find some success. This is for sure a boom or bust pick but the upside is colossal.

 

GOT dragon

 

24th – Cincinnati Bengals

This one is easy. Much like the Giants, the Bengals need to help the stars they have. I’m talking about getting some hair dye for Andy Dalton. I know being a ginger is his thing but no redhead has ever won the big game. It could be that simple. Hair dye.

 

25th – Pittsburgh Steelers

Cyborg reconstruction for Ben Roethlisberger. This guy is the heart and soul of the team but I’m suggesting replacing is heart and soul with cold steel. Help Big Ben stay on the field for all 16 games plus the postseason. Think somewhere between The Six Million Dollar Man and Robocop. Dead or alive, we’re going to the playoffs.

 

26th – Seattle Seahawks

Seahawks are still hurting from their SB loss to the Pats back in February, 2015. So they should draft Doctor Frasier Crane from Frasier and Cheers. He could help heal their bruised egos and get them back to fighting form. Goodnight Seattle.

 

 

27th – Green Bay Packers

These guys always have great drafts so I’m not going to even offer joke advice for them. I hope they take kickers in every round.

 

28th – Kansas City Chiefs

KC needs a suitcase full of cash to bribe the commissioner so they can leave the AFC West and instead join the much less fierce AFC South. They could switch places with the Houston Texans and that will create an easy path to the playoffs on a more regular basis.

 

29th – New England Patriots

The Pats lost this pick for cheating. So with their second round choice they get a rule book. You dirty cheaters.

 

30th – Arizona Cardinals

A real Cardinal from the Vatican. Maybe their sacrilegious name has been keeping them back. If they finally get the blessing they need from the Catholic church then a Lombardi trophy could be in store.

 

FrancisCards

 

31st – Carolina Panthers

This crew is already fairly loaded but the reason they lost the Super Bowl was because of the pressure from Von Miller and the other members of the Broncos D, so an offensive lineman seems like a good fit. WWE Super Star Brock Lesner would fill in great at either Tackle or Guard.

 

32nd – Denver Broncos

A young Peyton Manning. With old Peyton retiring and Osweiler leaving, the team is in the lurch. They need a signal caller with some promise and no one seems like a better fit than young Peyton, or maybe young Elway.

 

 

Tell me who you wish your team would select in the comments below.

 

Draft dodger.

 

 


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