This is not a mock draft, it’s a mockery of the crazy draft coverage we have come to love and hate. If you want someone to guess who your team is going to choose then ask Mel Kiper. If you want football jokes then I’m your huckleberry. Most experts say that the best way to build a winner is through the draft and I generally agree. This list will address what each NFL franchise needs to become successful right now. Let’s get to it. The first team is on the clock:
1st – Los Angeles Rams
With the first pick in the 2016 NFL Draft, the Los Angeles Rams select a really good lawyer! This mid-level team just got bumped up to first class and I don’t know if they are ready for the off-the-field life in Los Angeles. I wouldn’t be surprised if at least two different Rams get into legal trouble this first year. Rams need a top flight legal team. It’s an investment in their future.
2nd – Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles should pick either Andy Reid or Donovan McNabb. Remember how solid they were back then? Like in the NFC Championship every year good. Maybe they just need Mrs. McNabb and some Campbell’s Chunky Chicken Noodle soup.
3rd – San Diego Chargers
Stem cells! Yup, that’s their pick. A giant vat of stem cells. I think they had 200 players go on season ending injured reserve last season. Ouch. A few well-placed stem cell injections will have these guys back in the division race.
4th – Dallas Cowboys
Clones of Tony Romo and Dez Bryant. One of these guys (Tony) is always hurt. I think everyone in Texas would like to see a full year of them playing together.
5th – Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jags offensive unit is decent and has a core of young talent. Where they need help is on defense so I suggest drafting the Incredible Hulk. A great run stopper who can also rush the passer. You do not want to make him angry.
6th – Baltimore Ravens
Will Smith from Men in Black so he can use his memory-eraser thing to get America to forget about that Ray Rice elevator tape. This team can’t win until we all move on.
7th – San Francisco 49ers
A time machine. So the 49ers can go back just a few short years when they looked like the most stacked team in the league. Back when the city and management loved coach Harbaugh. They lost the Super Bowl and it all started to unravel.
8th – Cleveland Browns
A genie or a wizard. Someone magical. This squad needs spiritual help of the cosmic order to reverse the bad juju they carry into every game. I’d also take a voodoo priestess or witch if they had a quick enough 40 yard dash time.
9th – Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Johnny Depp. The ultimate Buccaneer, Mr. Captain Jack Sparrow himself! They try so hard to act pirate at those home games. But they never win much. Some star power could turn that all around.
10th – New York Giants
A hair stylist for Odell Beckham Jr. He is the best player on the team and you want to build around your greatest assets. OBJ has fantastic hair and that could use some full-time attention.
11th – Chicago Bears
Anyone to replace Jay Cutler. Literally anyone. Do you know a guy?
12th – New Orleans Saints
Jimmy Graham. I don’t how they ever let their version of Gronk leave. But since then, their offense has been missing something. I’m sure Brees would love it.
13th – Miami Dolphins
LeBron James. It helped the Heat win a championship. I mean if Dan Marino can’t win one then Ryan Tannehill has no chance at a ring without some serious assistance. If James brought his talents to South Beach then I could see the Phins winning not one, not two, not three but 18 championships.
14th – Oakland Raiders
A moving van to get them to Los Angeles. I don’t know what they are waiting for? There are millions of fans in LA who would greet them with open arms. Plus they can join the Rams and play at their new stadium. Oakland has no cash for a new building so this seems like a no-brainer.
15th – Tennessee Titans
A real Titan. I’m talking the enemy of Zeus and the other Greek Gods. Huge, elemental terrors that can destroy a city in an instant. Hopefully, this rookie will help lower opposing offenses 3rd down completion percentages.
16th – Detroit Lions
Sonic the Hedgehog. Many fans want to see O Line improvements but that can be addressed in later rounds. The Lions must deal with the retirement of Calvin Johnson by drafting a speedy receiver who can take the top off the defense. Plus he’d look good in those blue and silver uniforms.
17th – Atlanta Falcons
Rick from The Walking Dead. He’s from Atlanta so the fans will love him, plus he will do WHATEVER it takes to win. You got to have guts to play in the NFL and Rick Grimes knows guts.
18th – Indianapolis Colts
A new kidney for Andrew Luck.
19th – Buffalo Bills
Buffalo Bill, the serial killer from Silence of the Lambs. Also knows as John Grant, Jack Gordon or Jame Gumb. This guy is a sneaky pick because he can play multiple rolls, has that killer instinct and should not be underestimated. Also the name thing is kind of perfect.
20th – New York Jets
Jets could use a new QB but I think they should get Donald Trump to act as owner, GM and coach. Maybe QB too if he is up to it. Trump already reps NYC hard and claims to make “the best deals” so it should be a perfect fit.
21st – Washington (offensive name omitted)
A new owner. Dan Synder sucks bad. Change your racist team name already.
22nd – Houston Texans
A body guard for Brock Osweiler. Management gave this guy tons of money so nothing can happen to him or they are screwed. This organization is acting like they are a good QB away from a deep playoff run. If Brock is the guy then you must keep him safe.
23rd – Minnesota Vikings
The big dragon from Game of Thrones. This is a controversial choice because the beast could do some harm to Minnesota but I think the Vikings are the one team that could maybe work with the dragon and find some success. This is for sure a boom or bust pick but the upside is colossal.
24th – Cincinnati Bengals
This one is easy. Much like the Giants, the Bengals need to help the stars they have. I’m talking about getting some hair dye for Andy Dalton. I know being a ginger is his thing but no redhead has ever won the big game. It could be that simple. Hair dye.
25th – Pittsburgh Steelers
Cyborg reconstruction for Ben Roethlisberger. This guy is the heart and soul of the team but I’m suggesting replacing is heart and soul with cold steel. Help Big Ben stay on the field for all 16 games plus the postseason. Think somewhere between The Six Million Dollar Man and Robocop. Dead or alive, we’re going to the playoffs.
26th – Seattle Seahawks
Seahawks are still hurting from their SB loss to the Pats back in February, 2015. So they should draft Doctor Frasier Crane from Frasier and Cheers. He could help heal their bruised egos and get them back to fighting form. Goodnight Seattle.
27th – Green Bay Packers
These guys always have great drafts so I’m not going to even offer joke advice for them. I hope they take kickers in every round.
28th – Kansas City Chiefs
KC needs a suitcase full of cash to bribe the commissioner so they can leave the AFC West and instead join the much less fierce AFC South. They could switch places with the Houston Texans and that will create an easy path to the playoffs on a more regular basis.
29th – New England Patriots
The Pats lost this pick for cheating. So with their second round choice they get a rule book. You dirty cheaters.
30th – Arizona Cardinals
A real Cardinal from the Vatican. Maybe their sacrilegious name has been keeping them back. If they finally get the blessing they need from the Catholic church then a Lombardi trophy could be in store.
31st – Carolina Panthers
This crew is already fairly loaded but the reason they lost the Super Bowl was because of the pressure from Von Miller and the other members of the Broncos D, so an offensive lineman seems like a good fit. WWE Super Star Brock Lesner would fill in great at either Tackle or Guard.
32nd – Denver Broncos
A young Peyton Manning. With old Peyton retiring and Osweiler leaving, the team is in the lurch. They need a signal caller with some promise and no one seems like a better fit than young Peyton, or maybe young Elway.
Tell me who you wish your team would select in the comments below.