Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon Divisional Playoffs: Matt Ryan Finds Devonta Freeman For Huge Gain

Written by :
Published on : January 18, 2017

 

Welcome back to Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon. In this spooky sanctum, I’ve poured over all the replay tape to come up with my favorite NFL play of the week. Then it’s straight back to the projector to unspool a film you may have not been aware of…

 

The lights have dimmed, the knives are sharpened, and horrors lurk amongst the shadows.

 

Divisional Playoffs: Matt Ryan to Devonta Freeman For Huge Gain

Enough with the heartbreaker history spiel: it looks like the Falcons have finally become the real deal. And while it sounds a bit crazy, I’m actually favoring them over the Pack for Sunday’s NFC championship tilt. They’re Super Bowl worthy when the defense steps up and we all know what this offense can do…

 

Two times on this play Seattle’s defense ends up chasing ghosts with a blitz attempt in which Matt Ryan drops back expertly and releases the ball off a back-foot throw while under respectable pressure from three Seattle linemen. When I saw the play live, I thought “Matty Ice” had gotten lucky on an ugly throw, but seen in replay that ball looks downright gorgeous.

 

After the catch, Freeman loses Bobby Wagner and cuts, causing safety Steven Terrell to lose his footing. The Falcons star back resembles a steam locomotive off the rails as he careens downfield with a burned Seattle secondary in hot pursuit. It’s actually a bit impressive that Kam Chancellor and DeAndre Elliott were able to catch up to him and prevent the TD. Do Atlanta fans dare get their hopes up? That’s for them to decide, but this was certainly a decisive victory.

 

Divisional Playoffs: The Green Slime

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Director: Kinji Fukasaku
Released: 1968

 

In this tantalizingly titled offering, east meets west in a joint effort by Metro Goldwyn-Mayer and Japanese studio, The Toei Company. Directed by Kinji Fukasaku, who is best known today for The Hunger Games predictor Battle Royale (2000), and the Battles Without Honor and Humanity series, in which Yakuza gangsters fight it out down and dirty in a postwar Hiroshima. The film was shot with a predominantly Japanese crew and American and European cast.

 

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This unusual historical collaboration is nothing compared to how strange the picture is, however. While there’s plenty of corn to be had with the intended demographic solidly resting with the kiddie-matinee crowd, this is far from your average penny-pinching sci-fi cheapie. There’s lots of Japanese styled miniature special effects, some truly trippy extra-terrestrial habitats, and a whole gang of rubber-suited monsters.

 

Amusingly enough, the plot itself is somewhat similar to Alien (1979) with the titular menace becoming an unknown stowaway on an interstellar aircraft that grows and mutates into a horde of crimson-eyed Cyclops, with wildly waving tentacles that shoot lasers. Certainly a little different aesthetically from H.R. Giger’s sleek and horrific creature design, but just as malevolent.

 

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It should go without saying that the visuals and frenzied tone are The Green Slime’s real charms but the just-adequate acting and hoary old love triangle plot add just enough human interest to keep one engaged in the haggard Troy McClure-esque alpha males duking it out over the leading lady.

 

The manic balls-to-the-wall zaniness of the picture is also amplified by a groovy theme song courtesy of Richard Delvy, in a tune that’s equal parts, catchy, fun, and terrible.

 

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Dig that slimy trailer:

 

Your new favorite B-flick theme song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkFalUlcWY

 

Full movie (cropped) here. DVDs available on Amazon.

 

 


Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon Week 10: LeGarrette Blount Vs. Kam Chancellor and “Gutterballs”

Written by :
Published on : November 16, 2016

 

Welcome back to Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon. In this spooky sanctum I’ve poured over all the replay tape to come up with my favorite NFL play of the week. Then it’s straight back to the projector to unspool a film you may have not been aware of…

 

The lights have dimmed, the voodoo dolls pierced, and the walls drip with blood.

 

Week 10 Twofer: LeGarrette Blount VS. Kam Chancellor

Sunday Night Football’s rematch of Super Bowl XLIX was a real treat, with both teams showing off what they do best. The game-ending goal line stand by Seattle was awe-inspiring, but we only got to that point because of New England’s well oiled offense and champion caliber determination.

 

We’re doing a twofer this week with a couple of highlights during the game that featured both my favorite players from each team: LeGarrette Blount in New England, and Kam Chancellor in Seattle.

 

 

There are few backs in league you’d want more in short distance red zone situations than LeGarrette Blount. After his floundering days in Tampa Bay, he’s blossomed under Belichick’s undeniable genius. This power run works like a surfer riding a wave, as Blount and the Pats o-line keep riding out a powerful but finite Seattle push along a horizontal trajectory towards the goal line that finally peters out, allowing Blount to push through. Kam Chancellor, a guy I consider the best safety in the league, gets in on the act pushing sideways against Blount, but it’s too little too late as New England takes a big go-ahead touchdown on a play that epitomizes the very best of both downhill offense and defense in the NFL.

 

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Come the end of the game, we’re in a similar situation, and why wouldn’t you give it to Blount again? Because of number 31: Kam Chancellor. Nothing wrong with Blount going up and over to try and break the plane, and damned if he wasn’t close, but Chancellor comes in from the side again and grabs the New England back around the knees, tugging him back the few inches necessary to prevent a TD.

 

Like so many plays in a league full of lighting quick dudes, the actual play didn’t look like much besides a strong goal-line stand, but watching Chancellor do what he does in glorious slow-motion is just amazing. Every play in that final New-England-knocking-at-the-door series was notable, but Chancellor’s stop on Blount was a stark exhibition of how remarkable these NFL payers really are.

 

Week 10: Gutterballs

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Director: Ryan Nicholson
Released: 2008

 

Here’s another genuinely awful one for the hardcore sickos out there. Canuck director, Ryan Nicholson, began his career as an SFX makeup artist for horror/sci-fi/fantasy television and films, and like many folks toiling away in different stations of the entertainment industry, he wanted to make his own flicks, and went the DIY route by founding his own company, Plotdigger Films.

 

Nicholson’s tastes definitely tend towards the tasteless, and I’ve only managed to make it through three Plotdigger productions, giving up after this movie’s follow-up, the truly reprehensible and nauseating “Hanger” (2009), about a disfigured back-alley-dumpster-baby abortion survivor who goes on to seek vengeance.

 

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This one’s plot actually becomes quite convoluted as it progresses but the basic premise revolves around a group of kids sneaking into a bowling alley after-hours to compete in a tournament over the course of two nights that devolves into a skin-crawling rape scene and later a whole host of creative murders by a mysterious killer with a bowling ball bag atop his/her melon.

 

While this is a truly balls-out exercise in extreme cinema, it does harken back in large part to the 80’s slasher movie with its direct-to-video feel and atrociously obnoxious cast of what appear to be 30-somethings playing potty mouthed teens.

 

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Hack ‘n slash is the name of the game here and Nicholson does a dandy job of spicing up the kills with a blend of the ghastly and amusing. The two most memorable set pieces involve murder by sixty-nine sex position (suffocation via genitals!), and a decapitation by shotgun that is remarkable from a technical standpoint.

 

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Like I said, I’ve only made it through a few of Nicholson’s films , eventually giving up after the trashy and utterly sadistic tone became too much even for my depraved constitution.

 

This trailer does the film no justice but it is the best I could find:

 

And an example of what you’re in for with one of the film’s kill scenes:

 

Rental available on Netflix (DVD only). Cheap DVDs available on Amazon.

 


Roger Pretzel’s Review ‘N Brew: NFL Week 1

Written by :
Published on : September 18, 2015

 

 

In this little corner, Roger Pretzel reviews his favorite play of the week, as well as the beverage he was drinking at the time he watched it. Take a seat, get comfortable, and let’s replay the tape. This is Review ‘N Brew.

 

 

Week 1: Cary Williams Crashes into Nick Foles for the Sack, Fumble, and TD.

 

Link for video: HERE

 

Williams enjoying his TD

 

The ‘hawks are certainly hurting without Kam Chancellor, but if they keep that front line flying like this, they might as well let the dude sit out a few more. Cary Williams explodes off the right side, completely unguarded due to some blown coverage, sacks Foles, strips the ball, and returns it himself for the touchdown. It was a key play late in the game, and you can see how much it shook up Nick Foles as he’s slow to get up. Now if only Seattle could have kept it together for the rest of the game this would’ve been the backbreaker.

 

 

Week 1: Budweiser in a Metal Can That is Shaped Like a Bottle

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Has anyone ever drunk out of one of these things when they weren’t at a sporting event or a Kid Rock concert? Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that you’re getting a full 16 ounces, but you gotta imagine the only reason these were invented was so that Budweiser could get their marketing message across without allowing unruly humans to shatter massive amounts of glass in dangerously overcrowded venues. Still, there’s a decent amount of aluminum that goes into these things so I’d rather not have some dude in a Slipknot t-shirt chuck one at my face, especially if it was a quarter full.

 

Budweiser’s current slogan is #madeinamerica which is awesome considering they’re owned by InBev, a massive beverage conglomerate based out of Western Europe. Here’s a final fun fact for you: Budweiser is partially brewed with rice, so next time you throw back gulp after gulp of that refreshingly chilly pisswater, just remember that our most American beer is owned by Belgians and made with a grain that would make any self-respecting German brewmeister hang his head in shame.

 

Until next time…

 

 


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