What’s the Devil’s Favorite Sport?

Written by :
Published on : July 23, 2016

 

 

We already figured out the good side of the this story with Jesus and what he would play, so it seems only right to dive deep into the fiery rings of the inferno and have a conversation with the Prince of Darkness himself. This is the Devil’s time to shine. I feel like we talk about the accuser all the time but never ask him what he really likes. Is he a boxers or briefs kind of guy? Probably whichever lets his tail breathe. Whatever. Time to go to hell. Don’t worry, it’s just for a visit, plus it’s all about sports!

 

Football

The fallen angel loves football. Both the NFL and NCAA versions are rife with scandal and criminal activity. Everything from drugs to rape to murder all with a strong dose of lying to wash it down. And let’s not forget that any solid hit could ruin your brain forever. Oh and you can gamble on it. Where do you think Vegas gets their odds from?

 

UFC

 

A natural fit right? Wrong. The dark lord actually thinks two trained fighters in a ring, octagon or any polygon is too controlled of an experiment. Sure, he’ll watch if his friends are into it. But he’s not going to shell out for a pay-per-view unless others are chipping in. Also, he’s super squeamish about blood. Go figure.

 

Basketball

The ruler of demons is a diehard Knicks fan. Brutal right? He loves Carmelo Anthony. Was pumped about the Joakim Noah addition but puzzled by additions of Rajon Rondo and Derrick Rose. How are they all going to share the ball? Spoiler alert, the big guy told me Melo leaves next year and joins LeBron on the Memphis Grizzlies.

 

Soccer

Jesus’ favorite. Not Satans. Too slow and not enough action. Not a fair assessment but you tell him you disagree. The deceiver was quick to note how many futbol pros had sold their souls for skill with the ball. The list is long and includes most of Europe’s top talent. I won’t reveal any names but most of your guesses are probably right.

 

Hockey

satan hockey

 

Too cold. Though, the serpent does like the fighting here. It’s raw, impulsive and generally allowed. Despite the physical nature, it’s the high-speed game play that puts him off. Honestly, I think the defiler’s eyesight is a little rusty and he has a hard time tracking the puck. He is pretty old. I only say this because he said he wished they would bring back that blue dot they used to have on the puck for tv broadcasts.

 

Golf

The evil one is super into golf. He digs the exclusivity, the cool clothes and the gorgeous greens. Oddly enough, he never uses a caddie or a golf cart and always carries his own clubs. He says he does his best thinking on the course. Like back in 1935 while putting for eagle, he came up for the idea of parking tickets.

 

Baseball

Leviathan has always loved baseball. There is hitting, crotch grabbing, spitting, racism, steroids, Pete Rose, plus grown men throwing tantrums at umpires. I asked the king of liars what his favorite team is and he said it was a tie between the kids from Sandlot and the Chicago Cubs. He continued on to say that the Cubbies won’t win the World Series until something about a blood oath and some sort of goat sacrifice. I’m a little foggy on the details. But it’s all in this SUPER creepy book he gave me. Let me know if anyone wants to borrow it.

 

Fantasy

In this Aug. 30, 2010 photograph, Brian Sherman, left, uses his laptop to record moves in his team's fantasy football draft, at a Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant in Cincinnati. Some restaurant chains around the country have launched promotional drives to score with dedicated players of the growing pastime. (AP Photo/Al Behrman)

 

Lucifer plays fantasy everything. I hear he has a league for fantasy newscasters. It’s apparently wild. He really loves fantasy football. His team has won the championship 3 times over the last 16 years. So I’d say he’s on a hot streak. Word is, the son of the morning is drafting Cam Newton with the first overall pick. Not the worst move I’ve ever heard.

 

CrossFit

Beelzebub is obsessed with crossfit. This is hands down his favorite sport. I know this because he brought it up more than a few times. But, to be fair, he is totally ripped. Shredded. Like John Cena but made of granite. I literally bounced a quarter of his ass into a beer (which I made him drink), that’s how insane his body is. Later, I argued that crossfit isn’t really a true sport. Then he benched pressed me 3,000 times and ran around the building before doing what I assume was 10,000 squats. I escaped out the window.

 

So the Antichrist loves crossfit. No one would have ever guessed The Devil Wears Affliction. I think that teaches a valuable lesson. Go talk to people, ask them what they like. Their answers might just change you forever.

 

Feel the burn.

 

 


Dr James Andrews: Surgeon to the Stars

Written by :
Published on : February 19, 2016

 

 

It used to be that if you blew out your knee, your career was over. Now it’s just a 6-8 month setback. Crazy advancements in medicine have allowed our top athletes to bounce back sooner and sometimes even stronger. We see this across all sports, not just your high impact ones. Leading the pack in the future world of sports medicine is Orthopedic Surgeon, Doctor James Andrews. So when a star player goes down, this is the Doc you call. Let’s get to know James a little bit better.

 

Doctor-James-Andrews-and-Robert-Griffin-III
Doc and Robert Griffin III

 

He specializes in repairing damaged ligaments, you know like those ACL, MCL, LOL or whatever injuries in the knee. And for those who don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy, a ligament is the rubberband-thingy that connects bones or holds together a joint. The doc is based out of Alabama but travels for work regularly. In addition to a full schedule of surgeries, Andrews serves as Team Doctor for both Alabama and Auburn football teams as well as the Washington Redskins in the NFL. That’s crazy. You think Nick Saban ever asks him for insider info about the Auburn players?

 

James Andrews has worked on some of the biggest names in sports. And at an estimated net worth of $100 million, he is richer than most players. Notable patients include: Matthew Stafford, NFL (Shoulder), John Smoltz, MLB (Tommy John), Scottie Pippen, NBA (Elbow), Roger Clemens, MLB (Shoulder), Bo Jackson, NFL and MLB (Shoulder and Hip), Drew Brees, NFL (Shoulder), Peyton Manning, NFL (Knee), Hulk Hogan, WWE (Knee) and Troy Aikmen, NFL (Elbow and Shoulder). This list is just SOME of the big names he has done surgery on. He has also consulted on pretty much everyone. If you are star and you get hurt, you go see James Andrews. That’s the end of it.

 

james cena
Doc and John Cena

 

I don’t know this for sure, but I bet he golfs and is pretty good at it. He is a doctor. He must golf. Don’t get confused though, he still performs surgery on non-famous folks. This guy is just one of the best scalpels we have and he works his hardest to help as many hurt people as possible. That is really commendable. So if you’re ever in the south and you rip your shoulder, smash your elbow or destroy your knee then you know who to call. Ghostbusters! No, I mean my man James. The hardest working man in scrubs.

 

 

Now let’s all go throughly wash our hands before we give him a high five.

 

 


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