How To Fix NASCAR

Written by :
Published on : February 28, 2016

 

 

Denny Hamlin just won the Daytona 500 by the slimmest margin ever. Sounds like it was a good race. Only problem is that I didn’t watch because I’m not much of a racing fan. I’ve made a few attempts to get into it but it never sticks. The crashes are cool (if no one dies) but I don’t want to be one of those casual fans who is only looking for blood. What can we do to help the sport reach more people? Here are a few thoughts on how to fix NASCAR.

 

Change the track

For many folks, watching a bunch of cars make all left turns for 500 laps isn’t the most thrilling. What if each track had a different layout? More like Mario Kart. Maybe the Brickyard is now a figure eight or something crazy with a tunnel. Then we could really see the talent of the driver. Make each raceway more like a pro baseball park. Those places are all unique and have different attributes. This will also make the season more interesting as the races move from place to place. The change will create more separation between the drivers and make for some excellent racing moments. More importantly, we get to see these pro drivers make some right turns.

 

Add some new events

 

If diehards don’t want to change the track then let’s add some fresh new events to the Sprint Cup series. Like we add parallel parking. I’d love to see Jimmie Johnson try to wedge is number 48 car between an SUV and a Trader Joe’s dumpster. Winner gets points toward the Sprint Cup. Or maybe when teams come in for time trails they do the lap backwards. Make this determine pole position. Really, I just want to see the drivers use the full gear box. Park and Reverse need love too.

 

Go totally crazy

Add bananas and red shells from Mario Kart. Make everyone switch to a Toyota Prius and make the driver pump their own gas and change their own tires. Add traffic and potholes. Maybe they have to chug a beer every 100 laps. Wait, that could be dangerous. Do not drink and drive. Do throw banana peels at other motorists. What if NASCAR gave drivers cell phones and they had to send a text if they needed to pit? Or there was a drive-thru they had to visit (good spot for a corporate sponsor) and the driver must finish the meal while driving. You know, like we all do. Granted we don’t do it at 220 mph but then maybe they have to slow down a bit. You eat your fries and burger then you can go fast again. Or they have a really, really hot cup of coffee (more sponsorship) they have to drink while driving. Try not to spill.

 

mario kart

 

I’m sure any normal race fan hates all these suggestions. That’s fair, because they like racing already. I’m trying to add stuff that will draw more eyes. Maybe we just need a second, more fun NASCAR league. With celebrity drivers. Let’s call it BADASSCAR. That’s not great. Don’t judge the new league just on that. Instead judge it on Guy Fieri driving his nacho cheese colored number 69 car as it tears through candy cane lane. Wait, I think I just invented Wacky Races.

 

If you’re not fast, you’re last.

 

 


Hit it and Quidditch

Written by :
Published on : November 30, 2015

 

Quidditch is the coolest fake sport ever. Made popular by the Harry Potter series of books and films, quidditch combines polo, Australian-rules football and flying for intense sports action. Sure it’s not real but it’s super awesome. Imagine if broomsticks could fly and we had a pro league with teams in all the major cities. If you owned a quidditch squad which real life athletes would you want on it?

Well first let’s do a quick refresher on how quidditch works. The object of the game is to outscore your opponent. Each team is made up of seven players: 1 Seeker, 1 Keeper, 2 Beaters and 3 Chasers.

Chasers get points for successfully getting the Quaffle (a weird football shaped thing) through one of three hoops that the opposing Keeper protects. Two grapefruit sized balls called Bludgers magically dart around the arena smashing players off their brooms. The Beaters use a bat to redirect the Bludgers into the other players. All while the tiny Golden Snitch zips around elusively. The Seeker from each team tries to catch the Snitch, which nets you 150 points and ends the game. So now we know the rules, lets pick our team.

 

This kid knows what’s up

 

The Chasers

You want good versatility at this position. Someone with a nice combo of speed and strength with a knack for scoring. It should be known that the Chasers work together so being able to pass is just as important as finishing.

1. LeBron James, forward for the Cleveland Cavaliers. He can pass, he can shoot, he can do it all. Easy choice. James will run the floor and dish the Quaffle for easy baskets. He totally Quafflied.

2. Blake Griffin, forward for the Los Angeles Clippers. Blake can nearly fly now. Giving him magic only turns this hardwood terror into an arial monster. Plus his name fits the Harry Potter world nicely.

3. Calvin Johnson, wide receiver for the Detroit Lions. His size and solid hands make him a perfect Chaser. Megatron’s ability to shake off punishment will force teams to pay extra attention to him, this will free up the others for easy points.

 

Step aside

The Beaters

These are your biggest and strongest. But we are still looking for precision here. You need skill to effectively use that bat.

1. Mike Trout, outfielder for the Los Angeles Angels. He has all the power you need, can cover great on defense and kills it with the bat.

2. Zdeno Chara, defenseman for the Boston Bruins is one of hockey’s best. He’s 6’9” and can swing that stick. I’m sure the transition to a bat will be easy for him. The Bludger is way bigger than a puck. I was going to put Brock Lesnar here but Chara seems more athletic overall. Also, Gronk wouldn’t be a terrible choice.

 

Get him a broom!

 

The Keeper

The brains of the outfit. The Keeper must decide which of the three hoops to defend. This job screams for someone with strong veteran leadership. Sports logic suggests maybe a soccer or hockey goalie but that is a very narrow translation of the job.

1. Travis Pastrana, motorsports and stunt competitor. He’s is super comfortable in the air, stays calm under pressure and can make those lighting fast calculations needed to pull off the impossible. Travis would own the broom and provide that stable backbone the rest of the crew would feed off of. Plus I hear he gets free Red Bull.

 

Soar Travis, soar

 

The Seeker

This is your fastest and usually best player. Being small helps but vision, guts and quickness is the real recipe for success. Like a mix of a fighter pilot and race horse jockey.

1. Harry Potter, Seeker for House Gryffindor. He is the best. Why would I pick anyone else? (eat it Viktor Krum) I thought about picking a NASCAR driver like Jimmie Johnson or Kyle Busch because those guys can go fast but are they really on Harry’s level? Don’t think so. Usain Bolt? Maybe. I do think Lionel Messi could probably do a solid job but he is only a wizard on the soccer pitch.

 

quidditch snitch

 

That’s my team. I feel pretty good about it. Leave a comment and tell me your seven. Can you dig it Cedric Diggory? Oh also, kids started playing quidditch on foot. I don’t like that. The flying is the cool part, take that away and it’s just a bunch of dummies running around with broom between their legs. Not magical, not cool. Get a job.

 

 

 


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