An Idiot’s Guide to the World Series

Written by :
Published on : October 18, 2015

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am not a baseball expert. I like it but it’s maybe the major sport I know the least about. Still, this year’s postseason has been choice. Tons of home runs, clutch pitching, intense elimination games, all while showcasing the young stars of the MLB. So if you are just tuning in this October, here is an idiot’s guide the current playoffs and looking ahead to the World Series.

 

The Teams:

-Chicago Cubs

-New York Mets

-Toronto Blue Jays

-Kansas City Royals

 

First thing SBS baseball guru Mike mentioned to me about the remaining squads in the hunt was “they all have blue jerseys!” seems like as good as any place to start. In the National League we have the Chicago Cubs facing the New York Mets and in the American League we have the Toronto Blue Jays playing the Kansas City Royals. Winners of those best of seven series will face each other in the World Series.

 

Thank god we have some different teams here. I feel like we always see the same jerks in the finals. Can we just cheers that the Yankees don’t have a shot to win. Also looks like the end of the drought for one of these tortured franchises.

 

-Blue Jays haven’t won the World Series since 1993

-Mets since 1986

-Royals since 1985

-Cubs since 1908…wow!

 

So maybe some of these teams have been waiting longer than others.

 

Mascots:

Which team has the coolest mascot? We have a baby bear, a bird, a globe-headed fellow and some fancy Noble-person (I guess). I’ll say the Blue Jay is maybe the worst mascot and I have no love for any royal family so KC is out too. I love the idea of making your team logo a child version of something. Like you never see the Pittsburgh Puppies or the Baltimore Babies, but the Cubs (or Cubbies as the chubbies from Chicago say) have some real charm. Still, I got to go with the Mets, or Metropolitans. Which really just means a cultured traveler. Like the Dos Equis guy was your mascot. Awesome. Plus his giant head is a baseball. We all like baseball right?

 

Come on out and meet the Mets!

 

The Storylines:

The Blue Jays were really active this year in adding talent so they could win now. Notable additions include Pitcher David Price and Shortstop Troy Tulowitzki.

 

They also have this guy: Jose Bautista AKA Joey Bats (@joeybats19 follows us on twitter, you should too @scorebored_SBS). This is his game changing HR and bat flip against Texas in game 5 last series. I can watch this all day.

 

gif?

 

The Mets. When you meet a Mets fan you know it’s legit. Cause if you are picking a team to root for, most folks go Yankees. That level of support deserves some love. Plus it would be great for the other half of New York to finally have something to rub in Yankees’ pinstriped face.

 

I don’t really like the Royals so I’m gonna skip them here. If you meet a Royals fan and need something to talk about, then say “sucks about Jamaal Charles*” and that should be good for like ten minutes of conversation.

 

*Jamaal Charles is an NFL Running Back for the Kansas City Chiefs who was recently injured and is out for the year.

 

Royals

 

The Cubs. The film “Back to the Future II” predicts the Cubs win in the year 2015. Wouldn’t that be insane? I mean that should happen just so more people start believing in movie magic. “Terminator 2: Judgement Day” says the war started in 1997. Maybe it did and we don’t even know it. Trippy. Oh, baseball. Right. Cubs have a bunch of young talent, a few strong arms and a great manager. Sky is the limit.

(skynet is the limit?)

 

Predictions:

 

Cubs beat the Blue Jays in 6 games. Bet on it, Marty.

 

outatime

 

 

 


16 Burritos

Written by :
Published on : August 26, 2015

 

 

“Michael, the fantasy league is going to be $100 this year. Is that cool?”

 

 

Shit. How did we get here? How did I — someone who can’t throw a football, whose first live sporting event was a charity basketball game between the Harlem Globetrotters and the Chicago Bears — get myself into a fantasy football league for serious money?

 

Now:  $100 may not be a lot of money to you, but that’s enough to purchase about 16 burritos. And I don’t care who you are, that’s a lot of fucking burritos.

 

taco zone 2

 

So what happened? It went down like this: three years ago, my friends asked me to join their league. That sounds pretty simple, but it wasn’t at the time.

 

Besides Super Bowl parties or small talk with my Uncles, football rarely popped up in my life back then. I didn’t watch games. I couldn’t name any players beyond Gisele Bundchen’s husband or that sad marshmellow always hanging around Kristin Cavallari. If I joined the league, I would be flying blind — no base knowledge, no compass. But I said what the hell, let’s do it. (It was only fifty then.)

 

Jay Cutler and Kristen Cavallari

 

First year, I turned on Autodraft and let the fates decide. They treated me well: I was handed Jamal Charles, AJ Green and Russell Wilson the year the Seahawks won the Super Bowl. My roster was so solid that I barely used the waiver wire. I was eliminated first round of the playoffs, but that was okay. I was just happy that I didn’t suck.

 

Jamal Charles

 

Year two, another Autodraft. My top pick was Adrian Peterson, only weeks before some legal trouble got him suspended for the season. My team was toast. I had lost my centerpiece; it was Thanksgiving dinner without a turkey. I needed the wavier wire, but didn’t use it enough. My team limped into second-to-last place. I didn’t like that year as much. I felt like I was one bad fedora away from being my league’s Andre.

 

paul-scheer-the-league

 

This year. The draft is less than two weeks away. Like every athlete with something to prove, I’m ready to make this season my bitch. But it won’t happen without some serious work. I’m talking about a full-on training montage that includes Sportscenter binges, charts, graphs, mock drafts, late-night Adderall and probably some crazy nightmares where I have to fill my flex position only seconds before kickoff while I’m naked at school.

 

Or not. During my first year in the league, my friend Joe and I were discussing our prospects of winning that season. He told me, “I never win. It’s just money I spend so I have something to talk about with my friends.” Of course, he’s right. Fantasy football is basically one big game of Capture The Flag with your friends, but none of you need to get home for dinner this time. Even when you lose, you win.

 

So yeah, $100 is cool with me. But you won’t get it without a fight. Because I love burritos.

 

 


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