6 teams that should sign Colin Kaepernick right now

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Published on : September 8, 2017

 

 

The NFL season is finally here and it’s a total fucking joke that QB Colin Kaepernick still doesn’t have a job. There are many teams that lack a real answer under center, so it makes you wonder what’s really at play here? Save the talk of the bad press. Losing is bad press. Losing gets you fired. Kap is under 30, competed in a Super Bowl, has the arm and the legs to play at a pro level. Plus, he’s healthy. That resume could help at least half a dozen squads win some games. Here are a few organizations that would instantly improve by adding Kaepernick.

 

New York Jets

Who is their starter? Josh McCown? And if that doesn’t work then who? Christian Hackenberg? Bryce Petty? Those sound like NASCAR drivers, not quarterbacks. Kap would be a major upgrade. Or maybe the plan is just to keep tanking and draft someone next year.

 

Jacksonville Jaguars

Both Blake Bortles and Chad Henne have failed to inspire. People keep saying that the Jags are loaded with talent on both sides of the ball. That may be true but it means nothing without someone solid driving the car. Be bold, Jacksonville, decide this is the year you are going to move out of the NFL’s basement.

 

Indianapolis Colts

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Who knows when Andrew Luck will actually be back? And what if he gets hurt again? The current backup is Scott Tolzien. He was named the week 1 starter. But he looked so bad in preseason that the Colts traded WR Phillip Dorsett to the Patriots for their 3rd string QB, Jacoby Brissett. They should have just called Colin and saved themselves a wide receiver.

 

Houston Texans

Deshaun Watson may be the future but the current reigns are in the hands of Tom Savage. It feels like the Texans always have some mediocre signal caller. Their defense is legit but they need a true leader on offense. Plus Kaepernick could be a great mentor to Watson, as both play a more athletic version of the position.

 

Cleveland Browns

Much like the Texans’ situation, the Browns have their QB of the future in DeShone Kizer (or at least they hope). But Cleveland is starting the rookie day one. We shall see how fast the kid learns but maybe it would have been nice to groom the young talent while a real starter shows him the ropes. Or just throw the kid in the deep end and pray he doesn’t drown.

 

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San Francisco 49ers

Colin Kaepernick’s old team. They moved on from Kap but never got anyone better. Their current starter is Brian Hoyer. The guy who couldn’t hack it in Cleveland or Chicago. Plus if Colin came back then all the bay area fans could bust out their old jerseys.

 

Those are just the first six I could think of. One could argue that Denver and Chicago need quarterback help as well. Either way, there will be a big QB injury sometime this year, it’s just bound to happen. And when it does, I hope management gives Kap a chance. More likely, that GM in question will just say “fuck it” and see what Tony Romo is doing.

 

Call the guy.

 

 


How the Texans Helped Change the Perception of Mental Health Issues

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Published on : March 28, 2017

 

Football and masculinity dominate life in Texas. Feelings and emotions in men are tied to a rigid ideology – you don’t show or talk about them because men don’t do that. Likewise, men across the country may have lived under the same social norms that restrict them from showing emotions other than anger. Former Vice Chairman of the Houston Texans, Philip Burguieres said, “I felt that I couldn’t talk about depression, because it seemed like admitting to weakness, or failing.” He further elaborated on this stifling mentality by saying that it is “really hard for…America to accept depression for what it is: a disease.” This fundamental flaw in consciousness reinforces the stigma that men face – if and when they experience a mental health crisis.

 

This is why it was a breakthrough that George W. Bush signed the Paul Wellstone and Pete Domenici Mental Health and Addiction Equity Act of 2008. This bill requires insurance companies to provide mental health services at the same capacity as it does with physical well-being services to group health plans offered by employers. Two years later, the Houston Texans became the first team in the NFL to offer mental health parity to their players and personnel. This happened largely in part because of Burguieres’ bout with depression. It was the first time pro-athletes were offered mental health services under their contracts.

 

 Philip Burguieres used his own experiences to raise awareness about mental health.

 

Former running back for the Texans, Arian Foster, candidly contrasted the difference of using mental health services at his disposal to destructive self-soothing mechanisms. Foster was crumbling under the duality of growing up with domestic abuse coupled with periodically not having enough food to eat. As an adult, he stumbled into the depth of “mo’ money, mo’ problems”, the pressure that players signed to pro-sports teams face, plus career threatening injuries. To cope with the complexity of his internal pain he damaged himself inwardly by heavily relying on drinking because he could not express himself outwardly. He found this “was extremely powerful.”

 

Contrarily, he added “the emotions that you numb you can’t be selective with… you also numb everything good. So I was blocking out a lot of love.” Blocking out love cost him greatly because it ended his first marriage. This downward spiral alongside falling prey to the stigma of asking for help, “it just got to a point where I just threw my hands in the air and I was like: ‘This is going to kill me.” The weight of his emotional and mental issues took a toll on him; however, he adds, “I went and got help and it was the best decision I ever made.”

 

Mental and emotional disorders can manifest as a culmination of unresolved childhood issues that cross over into adulthood, others have a genetic predisposition to them, or others have both environmental and genetic vulnerabilities to mental disorders. The point is that the range of depressive, personality, anxiety, dissociative, eating, obsessive, substance use, sleep, sexual dysfunction, etc., mental disorders of any kind carry the capacity to self-destruct a CEO of a football team, pro athlete or regular person. Mental disorders are part of a collective human experience. In that sense, we can mirror the Texans and work through our feelings by owning up to them rather than let them diminish the sense of self and will to live.

 

 Arian Foster is the Texans all-time leading rusher and has battled with mental health issues.

 

Surprisingly, it did not cost the Texans more money to cover mental health. Burguieres said, “We have found no increase in our costs for mental health parity… It’s pretty simple. People who have access to mental health programs are healthier employees.” This revelation was highlighted by the reality that serious mental health conditions totaled more than $193 billion in lost earnings per year before the 2008 bill. Sick leave and absenteeism impacted team expenses more than covering mental health costs.

 

Football players are revered for their physicality, intellect on the field, and their remarkable performances that defy average human force. It takes a lot to make men of this caliber admit that they are overwhelmed by feelings and emotions, but in doing so they are paving the way toward a greater social consciousness. Real men in Texas or anywhere are strong enough to confront issues that cause them emotional distress. In the words of Mr. Rogers, “if we… can only make it clear that feelings are mentionable and manageable we will have done a great service for mental health.”  The example the Texans have set will help usher in a new era where mental health and mental health services are no longer taboo. People who need help can get the type of care that they deserve to preserve their sense of dignity and self-worth.

 

In loving memory of Philip Burguieres and Mr. Rogers.

 

 


NFL free agents bound to be overpaid and underwhelming

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Published on : March 3, 2017

 

 

The NFL’s free agency period begins Thursday March 9th at 4 p.m. ET. Two days before that, is what is known as the legal tampering period, a time when teams and free agents are free to begin negotiating. It is around this time that players and teams can agree, in principle, to contracts and when the offseason news cycle really begins to go wild. On March 7th we will all begin to hear about the ridiculous money being handed out to NFL free agents and naturally, we will hear about guys who are being overpaid. The great players will break the bank and even the good to mediocre players will fetch a huge ransom. There will be older players who bank off of storied careers and there will be guys who had good seasons last year that will prove to be one-hit wonders. Let’s take a look at some guys who will be giving their new teams buyer’s remorse before long.

 

Adrian Peterson

For years, Adrian Peterson has been among the best running backs in the league. He has frustrated opposing defenses and he topped 2,000 yards rushing in 2012. Peterson has also had at least 10 touchdowns in 8 of his 10 seasons in the NFL, and those two other seasons were drastically shortened due to an injury and a domestic violence suspension. Due to his impressive production throughout his career, there will almost certainly be a large market for his services but the smartest teams will stay away.

 

AP will turn 32 this month and for a running back, especially one with as many miles on the tires as him, that is ancient. He has carried the 2,418 times in his career and it seems unlikely that he will be able to return to league-leading form after suffering knee and groin injuries last season. Someone is going to pay him big money (Cleveland Browns?) but they will be kicking themselves in the butt sooner rather than later.

 

 

AJ Bouye

Prior to week 3 of the 2016 NFL season, AJ Bouye was the number-four cornerback on the Houston Texans’ roster. Then the Texans secondary was hit with a rash of injuries that propelled Bouye into the starting lineup. Luckily for the Texans, and Bouye’s bank account, he thrived once he started to see more playing time. The four year veteran went on to start 11 games for the Texans after starting only 8 games in his first 3 years in the league. While he certainly proved that he has the ability to be a starter in the NFL, the lack of sustained high level play over the course of his career should be concerning.

 

Bouye is widely considered the best cornerback in the free agent market and a year ago, no one had heard of him. Ideally, you would like to give top cornerback money to someone who has proved themselves over the course of more than one single NFL season. He wouldn’t be the first NFL player who played out of their mind in a contract year and then disappeared back into the shadows from whence they came once they signed a mega deal.

 

 

Alshon Jeffrey

Alshon Jeffrey has all the talent in the world and the tools to be a top wide receiver in the NFL. He also has a ton of baggage, including a PED suspension and some injury concerns. Despite that baggage, there is a good chance that Jeffrey could soon be the highest paid receiver in the league, eclipsing Antonio Brown’s four-year, $68 million deal that he signed with the Steelers earlier this week. When you’re handing that kind of contract to a guy like Jeffrey, who has had a rocky career, there’s a good chance that you could come to regret that decision.

 

Jeffrey has only gained 1,000 or more yards receiving in 2 out of his 4 seasons and has only caught 10 touchdowns once. For a guy who has shown such great flashes of talent, he can be very frustrating. Regardless, some poor sucker of a team is going to make this guy very, very rich. And there’s a good chance that contract will make whatever team very, very sad. If you don’t believe me just ask the Bears why they didn’t apply the franchise tag to their best pass catcher.

 

 

Russell Okung

This guy is something else. He was a free agent last offseason after a pretty solid first 6 years to his career in Seattle. He was successful in his time with the Seahawks and was primed to sign a big-money contract. Then he proved that he is far from the sharpest tool in the shed by deciding to forgo the normal process of having a professional agent and negotiated his own contract. He saved himself a few dollars of commission and signed himself to one of the dumbest contracts ever. On the surface it was a five-year deal worth $10.6 million a year with the Broncos but upon realizing that the team had the option to void the contract after the first year and release themselves from the remaining $20.5 million in guaranteed money, you have to wonder what is wrong with this guy?

 

Okung’s performance last year was far from his best showing but luckily for him, the offensive tackle class in free agency and the draft is rather thin. That means that the 29-year-old will likely find pay that he should be happy with. The problem is that he has proven to be a real idiot who is bound to continue to show his lack of awareness. The only saving grace for potential suitors would be if he is stupid enough to try to act as his own agent once again. He can’t be that dense, but if he is, would you really want to risk signing someone like that?

 

 

There are always some players who get signed in free agency and fizzle out and are the guys that I think will come to look like bad signings a year or two down the line. They may have done enough up to this point to get themselves giant contracts but this will probably be the last big money deal they see. Head on down to the comments section and tell us which players you think your favorite team should avoid.

 

 


Blackout Bruno’s NFL Divisional Round Picks

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Published on : January 12, 2017

 

 

What an awful hangover. I blacked out after the Detroit Lions lost on Saturday to the stupid Seattle Seahawks. I drank all the Coors Lights and bourbon available in the city of Los Angeles. And of course, I had Detroit winning in the picks too. But I got the rest correct, going 3-1 in the Wild Card round. Moving on, someone make me a bloody mary while I go over my NFL Divisional Round playoff picks. Also, try and keep it down, my head is killing me.

 

Seattle Seahawks at Atlanta Falcons

Bird Battle! These high flyers should put on great show. Hopefully, over 80 total points and many lead changes with four quarters of drama. Falcons are the more complete outfit and have generally played more consistent football all year. Plus their QB Matt Ryan, is performing at a very high level.

Winner: Atlanta

 

Houston Texans at New England Patriots

 

I’d love to be surprised here but this is the lock of all the picks this week. Houston has a great defense but questions at QB and having to travel to Foxborough are too much of a mountain to climb. Can’t choose against Brady, at home, in the playoffs. Pats win by double digits.

Winner: New England

 

Pittsburgh Steelers at Kansas City Chiefs

Steelers are a great team when everyone is healthy. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case for the weekend. Ben Roethlisberger is expected to start but he may be limited as he is playing through some serious injury. The Chiefs have been red hot as of late and that trend should continue. Kansas City has a complete crew and they are more than capable of making it to the Super Bowl.

Winner: Kansas City

 

Green Bay at Dallas Cowboys

 

Oh boy, what a game. The jewel of the divisional round. For the record, I hate both teams so I have no bias here. If the Cowboys can keep moving the chains with the run then they will win. But I just have this terrible feeling that the Packers will hang around long enough for Rodgers to do something notable.

Winner: Green Bay

 

One of these franchises is going to win the Super Bowl. It’s all about staying hot and staying healthy. Just like Hollywood. Now that my own team is eliminated, all I want to see is a competitive game and maybe not the same jokers always lifting the Lombardi Trophy.

 

So close.

 

 


Blackout Bruno’s Wild Card Picks

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Published on : January 6, 2017

 

 

Oh snap, it’s Wild Card time. Deal me in and get me a drink. Seven and seven, please. Sorry about last post, I got New Year’s drunk, then angry drunk after the Lions game and time kind of got away from me. But I’m up and I’m ready to work. My final regular season record is 50-24-1. Pretty decent. Now, let’s flash ahead to the weekend and talk about the opening round of the NFL playoffs. These are Blackout Bruno’s Wild Card picks

 

Oakland Raiders at Houston Texans

 

This game is such a crapshoot. Both crews are without their top QBs so who knows what will really happen. Someone has to step up. Because it’s so hard to call, I’ll rely on old stand by garbage about being at home and how much better the Texans are in Texas.

Winner: Houston

 

Detroit Lions at Seattle Seahawks

This is not the super awesome Seahawks crew that won the Super Bowl. They have been up and down all year. Russell Wilson and company normally take care of business at home but I can see how Detroit could surprise everyone. I don’t think you will find any sports pundit picking Lions but this will be a wild game to be sure. Look for Golden Tate to have an epic day and a late Matt Prater Field goal wins it.

Winner: Detroit 

 

Miami Dolphins at Pittsburgh Steelers

The Dolphins are banged up. Matt Moore is starting and they are traveling to Pittsburgh to play outside, in the cold. Plus the Steelers have Antonio Brown, who can single handedly win you a game. I think Steelers win in a confident fashion.

Winner: Pittsburgh

 

New York Giants at Green Bay Packers

 

Looking at the weekend slate, this screams to be the most intriguing matchup. Giants defense is a powerful unit. They should keep this thing close but I just know that stupid Aaron Rodgers is going to find a way to pull it off. Like he almost always seems to do.

Winner: Green Bay

 

Let’s hope these games excite and delight. Try mixing things up by trying a new cocktail. I love a good vodka martini. Up, dirty and with olives. Too boozy tasting for you? Go tiki and blend up some fresh fruit, fresh citrus juice with dark rum over ice. Maybe throw some coconut cream in there. Grab a straw, kick back and let’s hope Wild Card weekend is interesting.

 

Onward.

 

 


Blackout Bruno’s NFL picks for week 17

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Published on : January 3, 2017

 

This article was penned the weekend leading up to week 17 but I got really drunk and forgot to post it. No picks were harmed or changed in the making of this. The correct picks are marked after each guess, along with my record so far.

 

Saturday, January 31st, 2016 –

Woah, just woke up from a 16 hour nap to discover I went 13-3 in week 15. Not bad for a guy with a severally damaged liver and brain. That brings my selective season total for picks to 40-18-1. That record could be even better if I didn’t pick my Lions to win against the Giants. Still mad about that game. Don’t even get me started on that awful Dallas fiasco on Monday night. I mean, Dez Bryant has a handful of facemask but the refs– I said DON’T get me started. Let’s all calm down with a cold one and the picks for week 17.

 

Quick note: many of these games are meaningless as the playoffs are all but set. So some younger players may see some snaps which may throw off the traditional wisdom.

 

Baltimore Ravens at Cincinnati Bengals

 

Ravens were 9 seconds away from beating the Steelers last week and having a shot at the postseason but Antonio Brown had other plans. Because of that, they come out mad and take it out all over a depleted Bengals crew.

Winner: Baltimore Bengals (0-1 so far)

 

Houston Texans at Tennessee Titans

This should have been the showdown for the AFC South crown but the Titans lost to Jags in week 16 and lost their star QB Marcus Mariota. This is a perfect time for the playoff bound Texans to learn how to win on the road.

Winner: Houston Tennessee (0-2)

 

Carolina Panthers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Bucs need a win and some help to get to the dance, plus they are playing at home and have motivation on their side. For the Panthers, this is the last game of their Super Bowl hangover. I’m sure they just want the season to be over.

Winner: Tampa Bay (1-2)

 

Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianpolis Colts

 

Despite all their preseason hype, the Jags are one of the league’s worst. While Andrew Luck and the Colts can flash moments of awesome. That is more than enough for Indy to take care of business in front of their home crowd.

Winner: Indianpolis (2-2)

 

New England Patriots at Miami Dolphins

Miami is currently the 6th seed in the AFC going into the playoffs. That projects them to travel to Pittsburgh (outdoors) for the Wild Card. That’s not great for the Dolphins chances, a win against the Pats could get them the 5th seed which pits them against Houston (indoors). Pair all this with the idea that New England may sit some starters and you have upset written all over.

Winner: Miami New England (2-3)

 

Chicago Bears at Minnesota Vikings

Bears are garbage. Vikings defense is good. Case closed.

Winner: Minnesota (3-3)

 

Buffalo Bills at New York Jets

 

Speaking of garbage, the New York Jets everyone. They can’t stop anyone and they have no answer at QB. The Bills are better than their record and can run the ball effectively.

Winner: Buffalo New York (3-4)

 

Cowboys Dallas at Philadelphia Eagles

Dallas has it all locked up and is waiting for the divisional round of the playoffs. They will be mentally checked out. While the Eagles and their young QB are trying to grow and learn with each snap.

Winner: Philadelphia (4-4)

 

Cleveland Browns at Pittsburgh Steelers

Browns just got their first win last week. I was as shocked as you. But that mostly just proves you can never count on the Chargers for anything. None of that matters, Steelers run all over Cleveland.

Winner: Pittsburgh (5-4)

 

New Orleans Saints at Atlanta Falcons

 

Falcons are playing for a potential first round bye and they rock at home. Don’t count the Saints out as Drew Brees flashes some vintage magic to make this interesting but it’s not enough.

Winner: Atlanta (6-4)

 

New York Giants at Washington R-words

The G-men’s D is solid and but for Washington, this is their whole season. Should be a tough divisional matchup. I can see it either way but I’ll give New York the edge. True they have less to play for but they know it’s important to hit the postseason with some momentum.

Winner: New York (7-4)

 

Arizona Cardinals at Los Angeles Rams

Both these organizations had high hopes for 2016. Those hopes were dashed weeks ago but the Cardinals are still miles ahead of the lowly Rams.

Winner: Arizona (8-4)

 

Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos

 

What happened to Denver? Suddenly they can’t run the ball and that promising start isn’t enough to get them back to the playoffs. The Raiders will hand the offense over to Matt McGloin in place of injured QB Derek Carr. An ugly game but McGloin gets the win.

Winner: Oakland Denver (8-5)

 

Kansas City Chiefs at San Diego Chargers

Chargers lost to the winless Browns last week and will keep the crappy play going against the red-hot Chiefs. Look for super weapon Tyreek Hill to make fools out of the San Diego coverage units.

Winner: Kansas City (9-5)

 

Seattle Seahawks at San Francisco 49ers

HAHAHAH! Niners just fired everyone for the train wreck of season they are having. I kind of thought they were going to give Chip Kelley another year. Whatever. Seattle rolls in this tuneup game.

Winner: Seattle (10-5)

 

Green Bay Packers at Detroit Lions

This game will determine who is King of the North! So conflicted here. If I pick the Lions they will lose. But I can’t bring myself to pick the Packers out of principle so I guess it will be a tie. Go Lions.

No Winner: Tie Green Bay (10-6) 

 

That’s it for the regular season picks. If I’m not in jail, I’ll try and get some Wild Card predictions in for you to enjoy. Until then, make your favorite cocktail and hold your loved ones close. Who knows what the future holds.

 

Playoffs?

 

 


Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon Week 15: Two Sacks By Jadeveon Clowney and “Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter”

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Published on : December 21, 2016

 

Welcome back to Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon. In this spooky sanctum I’ve poured over all the replay tape to come up with my favorite NFL play of the week. Then it’s straight back to the projector to unspool a film you may have not been aware of…

 

The lights have dimmed, the full moon looms ominously, and the black spells have been cast.

 

Week 15: Jadeveon Clowney Sacks Blake Bortles Twice

Watch the first sack: Here

 

It’s natural for humans to create patterns in the things they see around them, and every football season it’s inevitable that my diseased brain is prone to obsess over the NFL defensive squads I like the most. Seattle is pretty much a perennial contender, and I’m also a big fan of Kansas City. Last year, I was losing it over Denver’s squad for obvious reasons, and this year it seems my defense of choice is the Houston Texans. They’re definitely not the best, but over the course of the season they’ve caught my eye the most.

 

In his third season in a pro career plagued by injuries, it’s great to see Jadeveon Clowney have a game like this. Both of these sacks may come in the first quarter but an early statement like that can have a rattling affect on a QB.


The football intelligence on display is remarkable with Clowney sidestepping or shooting a gap to get the hapless Bortles in the blink of an eye. In the first sack, Clowney gets scary sneaky as he crosses over to take advantage of a gaping hole in the line. On sack number two, the Texans’ defensive end has great eyes in not being fooled by the handoff. On both plays he hits the Jacksonville QB with such authority and efficiency that it’s hard to imagine the label “draft bust” being laid on Clowney now.

 

Week 15: Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter

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Director: William Beaudine
Released: 1966

 

I’m not sure if it’s possible, but this is arguably the most unapologetically schlocky B-movie we’re going to screen in the Dungeon this season, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a flick begging to be given the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment more than this one.

 

The title speaks for itself with European fugitive Maria Frankenstein playing God with corpses and prairie lighting just as famous gunslinger Jesse James hits town to rob the place. The monster in this outing winds up being Jesse’s hulking, slow-witted, and recently departed, partner who gets his sub-par brain replaced with an artificial one thanks to Maria’s kooky mad science.

 

JJMFD_jj-gun

 

The acting and casting are delightfully atrocious all around, but the leads stand out with Narda Onyx (that name!) as the baroness hamming it up in an unapologetic hackfest while John Lupton just gives up by playing the saddest, oldest, and least charismatic Jesse James one could imagine.

 

Unfortunately, the horror elements take a complete backseat to what is mostly a cheapie western. One imagines the accessibility of old timey western sets, costumes, and props easier to find on your average backlot than the duds necessary to make a proper Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory.

 

Jesse-James-Meets-Frankensteins-Daughter-photo-4

 

You’ve got to be willing to slog through some boring scenes and are way more likely to enjoy the flick for its camp value than anything. The monster himself has no defining makeup other than the circular scar around his dome where the brain was replaced, but Cal Bolder (again with them names) is so totally ripped, shredded, and jacked that his strongman act almost adds a hint of the sideshow to this eccentric turkey.

 

jessejamesvs

 

I present you the trailer in all its goofiness: 

 

Whole movie here for the true masochists out there:

 

 

 


Blackout Bruno’s NFL picks for week 15

Written by :
Published on : December 15, 2016

 

Sorry for the long absence. I’m still sweating out this hangover after my recent trip to New Orleans. My record last time out was 10-4 (week 10) which gives me an overall record of 27-15-1. Not bad. I’ve done better and better each week, let’s keep this streak going. Let’s streak through the quad and into the gymnasium. These are your booze inspired picks for week 15.

 

Los Angeles Rams at Seattle Seahawks

Seattle bounces back after a dismal showing against the Packers and stomps a Rams team that just fired its head coach. These crews are headed in opposite directions. Seahawks rack it up.

Winner: Seattle

 

Miami Dolphins at New York Jets

 

No Tannehill? No problem. Dolphins focus on the run and push over a terrible Jets team. New York is at home but just barely, the game is on Saturday so the Giants can have all day with the stadium on Sunday. It’s clear which New York squad is liked best.

Winner: Miami

 

Detroit Lions at New York Giants

Two offenses that can’t really run the ball. Both have played in lots of close contests. both have better records than most want to give them credit for. Lions are the hotter team having won their last 5 but the Giants just slayed the mighty Cowboys. It’ll be a nail-bitter but the Lions pull it out, again.

Winner: Detroit

 

Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears

It may be closer than most expect but Green Bay will win. I know this because I need them to lose, so they won’t. It’s nearly guaranteed. Rodgers and company keep moving the ball down field and link up on several deep bombs.

Winner: Green Bay

 

Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans

 

Jags are bad and already thinking about draft picks while Houston needs this game to stay atop the division as the Titans and Colts nip at their heels. Texans also play way better at home and pull away in the second half.

Winner: Houston

 

Cleveland Browns at Buffalo Bills

Cleveland will not win a game this year. Buffalo is better than their 6-7 record and they are going to prove it all over the Browns. Shady McCoy runs for over a 100 yards and adds a few touchdowns. Cleveland adds some points late but it’s never close.

Winner: Buffalo

 

Philadelphia Eagles at Baltimore Ravens

Bird battle. Ravens are mad salty after the loss to the Pats. They bring their A-game plus that wicked defense. Wentz turns it over late and that seals it. Baltimore keeps their playoff hopes alive.

Winner: Baltimore

 

Tennessee Titans at Kansas City Chiefs

 

I’m taking a real risk here. KC is very good in all phases of play. Also, they are nearly bulletproof playing at Arrowhead but they just lost LB Derrick Johnson. The Titans run the ball very well and have been rocking lately. They steal a win on the road.

Winner: Tennessee

 

Indianapolis Colts at Minnesota Vikings

Both crews need a W to stay in the postseason conversation. Andrew Luck turns on the magic and hits Hilton for a big score. Colts play spoiler and the Vikings will kick themselves for losing this one. Especially since they play Green Bay next.

Winner: Indianapolis

 

Pittsburgh Steelers at Cincinnati Bengals

The simple truth is that the Steelers score too many points for the Bengals to hang. Wether it’s through the air to Antonio Brown or on the ground with Le’Veon Bell, it’s too much for Cincinnati. Big Ben gets his boys one step closer to the postseason.

Winner: Pittsburgh

 

New Orleans Saints at Arizona Cardinals

 

Two teams with vet QBs and sub .500 records. Everyone was expecting more. Who will step up? I give the edge to the Cards because of their strong run game. For viewers sake, let’s hope this is a barn-burner because entertainment is all they are playing for.

Winner: Arizona

 

San Francisco 49ers at Atlanta Falcons

Oh boy, this may be the most lopsided contest in week 15. Falcons need the victory to hold off the surging Bucs in the NFC South. The game is also in Atlanta and the 49ers stink. Matty Ice torches them for 350 yards and 4 TD’s.

Winner: Atlanta

 

New England Patriots at Denver Broncos

This isn’t the Peyton Manning Broncos and Tom Brady is rolling. How can you pick against the Pats after their big win on Monday night? They lit up that solid unit from Baltimore and are looking to do the same in Mile High.

Winner: New England

 

Oakland Raiders at San Diego Chargers

 

The Raiders get back on track in this game but it won’t be easy. Nothing ever is with the Chargers. Their whole team is injured but Philip Rivers keeps slinging. This will come down to the last two possessions but the Oakland defense comes up big.

Winner: Oakland

 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Dallas Cowboys

You can normally just pencil in a Cowboys win each week but they looked like mere mortals in their loss to the Giants. Tampa Bay is a solid squad that has won their last 5 and could prove to be a handful. Still have to think Dallas pulls it out.

Winner: Dallas

 

Carolina Panthers at Washington R-words

This game probably sounded like a fun matchup on paper last year but the 5-8 Panthers aren’t much of a draw for Monday Night Football. Washington is still in the wild card hunt so they will be jacked up and ready to ball.

Winner: Washington

 

Alright, get me a bloody mary and a nap. The playoffs are around the corner, oh and I guess Christmas too. So scratch that bloody and get me a bourbon eggnog, unless you started making it already. In which case, I’ll have both and a beer.

 

Let’s order delivery.

 

 


Monday Night Football goes to Mexico

Written by :
Published on : November 21, 2016

 

 

Monday Night Football is going south of the border. The Oakland Raiders will play the Houston Texans on November 21st live from Azteca Stadium in Mexico City. The league has games in London every year now. But finally, the NFL is returning to Mexico for the first time since 2005 when the Arizona Cardinals beat the San Francisco 49ers 31-14. The game is taking place in an amazing venue. Azteca Stadium can host over 100,000 people so it should be loud and electric.

 

The first funny thing to note is that this is technically a home game for Oakland. I know that sounds wrong but someone had to give up a chance to play in front of their own crowd. For Houston, this is just another road trip. If anything a much shorter road trip. I predict the locals will favor the Raiders. Mostly because they have more history, better uniforms, and the Texas team they really like in Mexico is the Cowboys. Sorry Houston.

 

 

In terms of the actual matchup, it looks pretty good. Two division leaders with very solid records. But Oakland (7-2) should have the edge over Houston (6-3). The Texans play very well at home but this isn’t their home, while the Raiders have won all their away games. Plus, the Raiders are the more balanced team. They can run, they can pass and their defense has been stepping up. Pair all that with a coach in Jack Del Rio who is ready to go for the kill and Houston just doesn’t stack up. RB Lamar Miller has been steady and WR DeAndre Hopkins is always a threat but this crew just doesn’t have enough.

 

Monday Night Football in Mexico is a great idea. Not only does it help build the league brand in a nation that loves sports but it’s an NFL story and actually has some good will. MNF has never traveled outside the Untied States before and it’s great that we gave Mexico a legit night and not just some more preseason garbage. Let’s hope this is just the start of more active sharing with our North American brothers. You too Canada!

 

 

The only thing missing now is a great game. For the NFL, ESPN, football fans and everyone in Mexico, let’s hope for two halves of intense action. Let’s have some sacks, fumbles, hits, long touchdown passes, crazy runs and trick plays. Multiple lead changes, maybe even overtime. Let’s start a new tradition of football in Mexico. It all starts now, on Monday night.

 

MNF.

 

 


Calvin and Andre. Two Johnsons that should go to the Hall

Written by :
Published on : November 10, 2016

 

The NFL has lost two monster receivers in the last year. Calvin Johnson announced his retirement following last season. Victim of a mediocre franchise and a body that could no longer withstand the beating it had endured over 9 years as the focal point of the Lions offense. He decided the best thing for him and his family was to walk away from the game. Much like Barry Sanders a decade and a half earlier, he left fans in Detroit clamoring for more. But who are we to judge? It’s not like we were the ones risking being a cripple by the age of 40. His hands were mangled and he was in pain. It was too soon. He still had gas left in the tank. But he had to go.

 

Andre Johnson announced his retirement following week 8, in the middle of the his 14th NFL season. The longtime member of the Houston Texans walked away from the game after it became obvious that he couldn’t play at a high level anymore. He was released by the Texans following the 2014 season, spent last season with the Colts and was on the Tennessee Titans roster this season. He spent the entire season as a backup and hadn’t registered a catch since week 5. Clearly his time has passed, and unlike Calvin Johnson at the time of his retirement, he was no longer able to produce. He knew it was time to walk away.

 

 

With the retirement of both of these giants, the question has been asked if one or both of these guys belong in the Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio. I don’t really understand the argument against either. For a decade they were two of the most feared wideouts in football and defenses routinely were forced to game plan around them. In their respective primes they were borderline unstoppable. In my opinion both the Johnsons belong in the Hall of Fame.

 

Calvin only played for 9 seasons, and because of that he sits further down the list for most of the major receiving statistics. But did have the most yards ever in a season back in 2012 (1,964). He was the ONLY weapon on the Lions’ offense for years at a time, and gave the fans in Detroit a reason to watch. His nickname was Megatron because he constantly made plays that seemed inhuman. Calvin Johnson was a machine and changed the way people viewed the wide receiver position.

 

Andre has some things in his resume that Calvin lacks. He played for 14 seasons and and has 2 playoffs wins under his belt (2011 and 2012). His longevity shows that he was able to be an important part of the Texans offense for years, despite having worse quarterback play for most of his career. Andre never had quite the monster season that Megatron did in 2012, but he still averaged over 1,000 yards per season for his entire career. That’s impressive. He is also the only player in NFL history to have 60+ receptions in his first 8 seasons.

 

 

In the NFL of today, where defenses are able to game plan around specific players and try to minimize their impact, these two players were as impactful as any. They were famous for their big play ability and their knack for making eye-popping catches. One defender, two defenders or three. It didn’t matter. These two could make opposing cornerbacks look silly at any moment. It’s not Calvin’s fault that he doesn’t have a playoff win (he appeared in 2 game with the Lions in 2011 and 2014). It’s not his fault that he played in an era that actually puts value on player’s quality of life during and after football, as opposed to running these guys into an early grave. Megatron doesn’t have the longevity of players from past eras and he may not have the playoff resume, but for almost a decade he was transcendent. Andre might not have had quite the same aura of dominance, but he was damn sure dominant on the field. He didn’t have the bad ass nickname but he had the skills to be sure. He was every bit the receiver as the other Johnson.

 

Shouldn’t the Hall of Fame have something to do with the level of fame that the player achieved? In a league with 32 teams, not everyone gets to the playoffs and not everyone gets a Super Bowl. Neither of these two players has a championship ring but they had the fame and the reputation as guys not to be taken lightly or underestimated on the field. They both deserve to be in the Hall of Fame because for years, they were the best of the best. In 7 years, when it’s time to put their names into consideration, and their legend has had a chance to grow, I’m confident they will both be there.

 

 


Blackout Bruno’s NFL picks for week 10

Written by :
Published on : November 8, 2016

 

Just woke up after a long Sunday night of celebrating that insane Lions win. Is this even real life? My brain is moving a little slow but all I need is a little hair of the dog that bit me and I’m ready to talk football. After a few sessions of guesses, my alcohol infused record is 17-11-1 (8-6 in week 5 and 9-5-1 in week 7). Let’s get to the week 10 picks.

 

Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens

Sorry Browns but this isn’t your time. Maybe week 11 will see you get your first win of the year. Ravens defense is too good and they win a low scoring affair thanks to some Justin Tucker field goals.

Winner: Baltimore

 

Kansas City Chiefs at Carolina Panthers

 

If this was in KC then it would be a no-brainer but Carolina is playing for their season and is looking to string some wins together. I still think the Chiefs are a much more solid team overall. A close one.

Winner: Kansas City

 

Denver Broncos at New Orleans Saints

Broncos rebound after their divisional loss to the Raiders by coming into the Super Dome and shutting down Drew Brees and his offense. Broncos run the ball for over 150 yards and grind out a big victory.

Winner: Denver

 

Los Angeles Rams at New York Jets

The Jets are in trouble. Time to sit QB Fitzpatrick and see what they have in the youngster Petty. The Rams will be all over the new signal caller and sack him multiple times.

Winner: Los Angeles

 

Green Bay Packers at Tennessee Titans

 

I’d love to see the Pack lose, and it’s totally possible because they aren’t playing very inspired football right now but Aaron Rodgers will rally his troops and should be able to shred the Titans secondary.

Winner: Green Bay

 

Atlanta Falcons at Philadelphia Eagles

The battle of the birds. This high flying matchup will have over 55 combined points and will make for some great tv. The balanced attack of the Falcons gives them the edge and Philly drops another close game.

Winner: Atlanta

 

Minnesota Vikings at Washington R-words

The Vikings have lost 3 in a row coming into this week. Washington is good squad with skill in every unit. If Minnesota can’t find a way to get some rushing first downs then they are in trouble because QB Sam Bradford isn’t really made to throw it 40-50 times a game.

Winner: Washington

 

Houston Texans at Jacksonville Jaguars

 

The AFC South stinks but Houston is the clear leader. They run all over the Jags to set up play-action throws to WR Hopkins. Jacksonville QB Bortles tries to make a late comeback but gives the ball away.

Winner: Houston

 

Chicago Bears at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Thank god the Cubs won so the city of Chicago doesn’t have to think about how bad the Bears are. I have no clue what the identity of the team is. They go on the road this Sunday against a Bucs crew that can score. Don’t expect it to be close.

Winner: Tampa Bay

 

Miami Dolphins at San Diego Chargers

Two of the harder teams to understand. Miami sits at .500 after winning 3 in a row on the back of rusher Jay Ajayi. Chargers are 4-5 and are competitive in every game. Another nail bitter but Melvin Gordon and Phillip Rivers find a way.

Winner: San Diego 

 

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals

 

Cardinals are a lock. Palmer will find Fitzgerald, Nelson, Brown early and often. David Johnson will continue to run with authority and the 49ers will have almost no answer. This one will be a one-sided outing.

Winner: Arizona

 

Dallas Cowboys at Pittsburgh Steelers

Steelers better show up or else it will be ugly. The Cowboy ground game is too good behind that O-line. Elliot has another big day and Pittsburgh continues to slide.

Winner: Dallas

 

Seattle Seahawks at New England Patriots

Seahawks are finally overcoming their slump and playing well. Jimmy Graham has found his spot in the offense and Russell Wilson is slinging it once again. Even with all that, I still give the Pats the edge. They are at home and Brady is fire.

Winner: New England

 

Cincinnati Bengals at New York Giants

 

Bengals need the W and will come out fast but it looks like the G-men are finally starting to put it together. Eli limits the turnovers and OBJ finds pay dirt at home in week 10.

Winner: Giants

 

Another tough slate of matchups but it’s a no-stress week for me as my Lions are on Bye. And with that, we say goodbye. Also, would it kill you to buy a round every once in a while?

 

Drink it up.

 

 


NFL Halfway way report for 2016

Written by :
Published on : November 3, 2016

 

 

NFL Week 8 is in the books are we are officially halfway through the 2016 season. Damn, things are moving fast. Don’t blink because the postseason is around the corner. Let’s look back at the first part of the year and see what we’ve learned so far.

 

The Standings

The quickest and most superficial way to know a squad is by looking at their record. Who did they beat? Who did they lose to? Was it at home or on the road? These are all telling bits of information. Your current division leaders are:

 

NFC North: Minnesota Vikings (5-2)

NFC East: Dallas Cowboys (6-1)

NFC South: Atlanta Falcons (5-3)

NFC West: Seattle Seahawks (4-2-1)

 

 

AFC North: Pittsburgh Steelers (4-3)

AFC East: New England Patriots (7-1)

AFC South: Houston Texans (5-3)

AFC West: Oakland Raiders and Denver Broncos (both 6-2)

 

With Brady back under center, the Pats are the best team in the league. They are the first to 7 wins and should be the favorite in every game for the next 8 weeks. The Cowboys are the only other 1 loss team and they lead the only division where all members have a winning record. The NFC East is finally playing some good football. Houston and Minnesota both seems like crews that could get pushed out of their current standings. The AFC West should be a three horse race going down the stretch as Kansas City starts to string wins together. Stats aren’t everything but number of wins is still huge in the playoff picture.

 

Surprises

One of the biggest shockers of the year has to be the Oakland Raiders. The 6-2 record is nice but it’s the 5-0 on the road that makes you double-take. They are on track for their first playoff appearance since 2003. The second longest postseason drought in football (only the Bills have been waiting longer). I hope they get there. Either by winning the AFC West or locking up a wild card spot.

 

 

How awful the Carolina Panthers are. They are 2-5 and last in the NFC South. Talk about a Super Bowl hangover. I don’t think anyone, including Cam Newton saw that coming. Their D is weak, Cam is getting lit up and nothing is clicking.

 

The Cowboys getting it done with rookies at QB and RB in Dak Prescott and Ezekial Elliot. Enough with the Romo talk. Prescott is winning, you don’t mess with success. Let Tony ride the bench for awhile. Maybe he can come back during the playoffs just time to to throw an interception.

 

How average the Packers look. They are 4-3 but have lost to every team over .500 they have played. Eddie Lacy is on IR, they can’t run the ball and defenses aren’t giving Rodgers all day to throw. This football giant seems very killable.

 

Less Surprising

The Jacksonville Jaguars still suck. Many talking-heads hyped the Jags in the preseason as some sort of dark horse. Their offense (mostly through the air) worked last year and they drafted all these great defensive players but it’s not that simple and this franchise is still years away. Also, what’s with the jerseys in the photo below? They look like the knock-off/unlicensed NFL uniforms from Any Given Sunday.

 

 

The Steelers are good. Even without some of their stars, this roster steps up and fills holes. They started without RB Bell because of a suspension, then QB Roethlisberger got hurt, but Pittsburgh keeps winning. Look for them to make another playoff run.

 

Everyone on San Diego is hurt. I can just save this part and copy-paste it next year because it’s the same story every time. Tons of talent and potential, awful luck and injuries leaves Phillip Rivers in a hole fighting for his life. One almost has to wonder, what would the Chargers look like healthy? A bizarre and perverse thought. Don’t linger on it.

 

The Colts can’t stop anyone. They are wasting QB Andrew Luck. Every game, Luck is forced to throw it downfield because they are playing from behind. Great for fantasy, not for reality. Kind of reminds me of Matthew Stafford. Anyway, Indy needs to shore up both sides of the line and spend some draft picks retooling the whole defensive unit.

 

 

The best part about all of this is there is still time. 8 games is a lot. Go 6-2 over the second half and you may just be in the playoffs. Stranger things have happened. At this moment, I can only guarantee maybe 5 teams will make it. That leaves plenty of spots for your team. All they have to do is get hot.

 

Playoffs?

 

 


Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon Week 6: Bernardrick McKinney Clobbers Andrew Luck, and “Hard To Be A God”

Written by :
Published on : October 19, 2016

 

Welcome back to Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon. In this spooky sanctum I’ve poured over all the replay tape to come up with my favorite NFL play of the week. Then it’s straight back to the projector to unspool a film you may have not been aware of…

 

The lights have dimmed, the remains have been entombed, and the storm rages outside.

 

Week 6: Bernardrick McKinney Clobbers Andrew Lunch on Third Down in OT


How about that Houston comeback on Sunday Night Football? To be fair, it may have been more of an Indianapolis meltdown but there were still a solid handful of brilliant plays executed by the Texans’ defense. My favorite came at a critical moment in overtime with only three yards to go on a third down when Bernardrick McKinney shot the gap and put Andrew Luck into the turf.

 

Both defensive ends Jadeveon Clowney and Whitney Mercilus come flying off their marks in a pincer attack that opens up a huge hole for Bernardrick McKinney to fly through. That D line is scary even without J.J. Watt. So much so that even with a struggling Brock Osweiler the Texans currently sit atop of the AFC South.

 

And while Jadeveon Clowney and Whitney Mercilus are definitely two of my favorite football names, Bernardrick McKinney ain’t so bad either.

 

Week 6: Hard To Be A God

hardtobeagod1

 

Director: Aleksey German
Released: 2013

 

It’s hard for me to overstate how mind-blowing this movie is. Really. It was the hot ticket for the art-house set when it became available stateside, but I remain surprised that it didn’t find a broader audience.

 

Based on a Russian sci-fi novel in which a group of cosmonauts live on a planet identical to earth except that it’s trapped 800 years in the past in a permanent state of dark ages, the plotting is nearly impossible to follow and frankly the film is all the richer for it.

 

960

 

Comprised mostly of long takes with a constantly roving camera (albeit at a leisurely clip) the viewer is treated to a meticulously detailed world of filth and a parade of human grotesques spewing all manner of bodily fluids amongst the pervasive mud, grime, and ash. The wide angle black and white photography is revelatory in capturing all the ugliness humanity has to offer.

 

Shot in fits and starts from 2000 to 2006, and involving several more years of post-production with its director in failing health, this singular film has an idiosyncratic production history as well with German’s (pronounced Grrr-man, not Jer-man) wife and son putting the finishing touches on his messy swan song.

 

Hard-to-be-a-God-aleksei-german-2

 

With it’s near incoherence and three-hour running time it’s a challenging view, but every minute is worth it. Catch this carnal and visceral masterpiece of flying snot-rockets and dribbling slave piss as soon as you can.

 

I implore you to watch the trailer here:

 

 

Currently streaming on Netflix! Go now! Also available for rental on Amazon and itunes.

 

 


Blackout Bruno’s NFL picks for week 7

Written by :
Published on : October 18, 2016

 

 

My week 5 record was 8-6. Not great. But it’s a start and it’s something to build off. Now get your favorite uncle Bruno a drink and I’ll tell you the winners of NFL week 7.

 

Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers

The Bears aren’t very good, plus they have a short week of practice because they are playing on Thursday and it’s in Lambeau. All signs point to a double digit win for Green Bay. Rodgers throws 4 TDs and this one stops being competitive early.

Winner: Packers

 

New York Giants at Los Angeles Rams

 

Rams lost a close one to the Lions, while OBJ woke up for the G Men and racked up 222 yards and 2 TDs. I see both these trends continuing. New York wins after Odell Beckham Jr posts another monster performance. Los Angeles has one last shot at the end of the game but they come up short.

Winner: Giants

 

New Orleans Saints at Kansas City Chiefs

This is a tough one to call. The Saints are better than their 2-3 record suggests but it’s hard to earn a W in Arrowhead Stadium. It should be close but the KC defense holds Drew Brees in check and Jamaal Charles gets up to speed in a big way.

Winner: Chiefs

 

Minnesota Vikings at Philadelphia Eagles

This should be a low scoring affair because these are top defensive units. Vikings have the best D in the league but the Philly crew has also been excellent. Can’t pick against Minnesota the way they are playing. Don’t care where the game is.

Winner: Vikings

 

Indianapolis Colts at Tennessee Titans

 

I keep thinking Tennessee is weak and picking against them, and they keep proving me wrong. Well, I’m turning the corner on the Titans. They run all over the porous Indy defense and win a close one despite Andrew Luck’s late-game heroics.

Winner: Titans

 

Buffalo Bills at Miami Dolphins

Miami is hot garbage. They somehow beat the Steelers but I still don’t believe in them. The Bills have a legit D and enough weapons to score the points they need against a Dolphins crew that can’t get out of it’s own way. I still don’t understand how a roster that loaded plays so poorly.

Winner: Bills

 

Washington at Detroit Lions

I’m super hesitant to pick Detroit to win but Stafford is playing at an elite level right now. He has 7 TDs and 0 INTs in the last two games. Washington comes to Detroit on a four game winning streak but Stafford out duels Cousins who throws 2 picks in the loss.

Winner: Lions

 

Cleveland Browns at Cincinnati Bengals

 

The Browns are a dumpster fire. They are the last bad team in Cleveland. Maybe the Browns didn’t get the message that the city’s teams were going to stop sucking. The Bengals win the battle of Ohio with a balanced attack that Cleveland can’t stop.

Winner: Bengals

 

Oakland Raiders at Jacksonville Jaguars

Oakland is coming off a loss and should get back on track against a Jags team that isn’t scoring many points. Jacksonville has won their last two games but a weak running game makes them too one dimensional for a balanced Raider crew.

Winner: Raiders

 

Baltimore Ravens at New York Jets

The Jets do not look good. Their QB throws the ball away, they have trouble running the ball and their secondary gets burned deep regularly. Baltimore loves the deep ball. Joe Flacco has a field day and torches the jets who fall to 1-6.

Winner: Ravens

 

San Diego Chargers at Atlanta Falcons

 

San Diego always seems to be in this rough spot of having tons of injuries and losing close games in the 4th quarter. The Falcons on the other hand are flying high and finding success in all levels of the game. Atlanta should smash the Chargers at home.

Winner: Falcons

 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at San Francisco 49ers

Tampa is better than I think most give them credit for. They have talent on both sides of the ball and they are facing a 49ers team that doesn’t do much effectively. No matter who the QB is, San Fransisco will turn over the ball and the Bucs will turn that into easy points.

Winner: Buccaneers

 

New England Patriots at Pittsburgh Steelers

This should have been the best game of the week 7. But QB Ben Roethlisberger is out with a knee injury and that changes everything. Tom and the boys will have their way with the Steelers on their home field.

Winner: Patriots

 

Seattle Seahawks at Arizona Cardinals

 

Arizona started the year slowly but are finally rolling. David Johnson continues to prove he is one of the league’s most complete backs. Seattle is a good football team and this divisional matchup should be a great game. Johnson, the ground game and playing at home should give the Cards the edge.

Winner: Cardinals

 

Houston Texans at Denver Broncos

AKA “the Brock Bowl.” QB Osweiler left Denver for Houston in the offseason. Time for Brock to prove he made the right choice (beyond the huge payday). A hard fought battle but the Broncos defense at home will be too much to handle.

Winner: Broncos

 

 

That’s it. Nap time. Wake me when the pizza gets here. Or if the house is on fire. But please don’t disturb me for any other reason.

 

Liver spots.

 

 


Blackout Bruno’s NFL picks for week 5

Written by :
Published on : October 5, 2016

 

It’s late and I’ve had a few. Let’s go over the upcoming matchups in the NFL and I’ll tell you who is going to win. This is Blackout Bruno’s picks for week 5.

 

 

Arizona Cardinals at San Francisco 49ers

Both are 1-3 but someone has to win. Carson Palmer may not play after leaving with a concussion last Sunday, so look for a steady diet of David Johnson running the ball. 49ers D won’t have an answer.

Winner: Cardinals

 

New England Patriots at Cleveland Browns

Tom Brady’s first game back from suspension. Tom will play angry and the offense will score early and often. This shouldn’t even be close.

Winner: Patriots

 

Philadelphia Eagles at Detroit Lions

 

Two squads trending in the opposite directions. The Lions can’t stop anybody and Wentz and crew are full of confidence. Even at home, Lions won’t do enough to beat a fresh Philly team coming off their bye.

Winner: Eagles

 

Chicago Bears at Indianpolis Colts

Two flawed teams. I see lots of points and a close one but Andrew Luck gets the ball last and drives the field for the game winning score.

Winner: Colts

 

Tennessee Titans at Miami Dolphins

I don’t like either side. Titans can run the ball but the Fins are at home. Miami’s passing game should be able to get rolling versus a weak Tennessee secondary.

Winner: Dolphins

 

Houston Texans at Minnesota Vikings

 

Minnesota’s defense is at the top of their game. Houston has some play makers but not enough fire power to win on the road. Watch for Bradford to find TE Rudolph for another TD and the Vikings to stay undefeated.

Winner: Vikings

 

New York Jets at Pittsburgh Steelers

Jets defense is giving up a lot of points and QB Ryan Fitzpatrick keeps throwing the ball away. The Steelers on the other hand, are coming off a big win and want to keep that momentum going at home.

Winner: Steelers

 

Washington at Baltimore Ravens

This should be close but the Ravens are solid enough in all three phases of the game that they edge it out. I see Kirk Cousins throwing a late pick and then kicker Justin Tucker will seal it for Baltimore.

Winner: Ravens

 

Atlanta Falcons at Denver Broncos

 

I like Atlanta’s balanced attack but asking anyone to win in Denver seems like quite the task. Denver runs well enough to go play-action for a few scores. Matt Ryan makes a late 4th quarter comeback but falls short.

Winner: Broncos

 

Cincinnati Bengals at Dallas Cowboys

I went back and forth on this one. The Bengals should be able to score enough points to put pressure on the rookies (Prescott and Elliot) of the Dallas offense. This extra pressure leads to some turnovers that will ultimately decide the contest.

Winner: Bengals

 

San Diego Chargers at Oakland Raiders

Is it finally time for Oakland to shine? They have a good young QB, a variety of offensive options and are 3-0 on the road. I see them getting their first home win over a Chargers team that is still finding themselves.

Winner: Raiders

 

Buffalo Bills at Los Angeles Rams

 

Another total crapshoot. Who knows? The Rams are somehow 3-1 after their week 1 blowout loss. The Bills just beat the Pats at home. Still not sold on either. I’ll give the edge to my adopted second team, Go Rams.

Winner: Rams

 

New York Giants at Green Bay Packers

The Packers are coming off their bye and are playing at home plus their D line is shutting down the run. All bad signs for New York. Throw in Odell Beckham Jr’s uneven play and it doesn’t look good for the G-men.

Winner: Packers

 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Carolina Panthers

Tampa beat Atlanta in week 1, and Atlanta just took apart Carolina, so by the power of bullshit transitivity (joking this never works in sports) the Bucs the win. Honestly, Cam Newton may be out and that D is not what it was last year.

Winner: Buccaneers

 

 

Take what I say with a grain of salt. Or a salted rimmed margarita. Or a pitcher of margaritas. Okay, that’s all for now. I’m going to pass out. Who knows what week Blackout Bruno will return.

 

Broken picker.

 

 


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