SBS Octagon: Varsity Blues vs Friday Night Lights

Written by :
Published on : March 1, 2017

 

 

Time to step back into the blood stained SBS Octagon for another round of hypothetical combat. This chapter focuses on the best high school football teams Hollywood and Texas can put together. Without further ado, ScoreBoredSports is proud to present our matchup. Coming out of the made up town of West Canaan, Texas we have the Coyotes of Varsity Blues. And repping the real city of Odessa, Texas we have the Permian Panthers of Friday Night Lights. Grab a bleacher seat and let’s decide who really is the best fake high school football team.

 

A quick note, when we talk about Friday Night Lights, we are talking about the Peter Berg film from 2004. Not the series. This is done for a few reasons. First, it’s easier to compare films to films and shows to shows. One gets way more time to reveal details and build a richer world. Also, the movie came first (the book really came first) plus the TV series has multiple seasons and multiple team rosters. That makes the head-to-head very complicated. Lastly, Varsity Blues came out in 1999, making both flicks of the same era. A perfect battle.

 

Talent

varsity blues team

 

Now both programs have major talent on both sides of the ball but it looks like the bigger school with stronger recruiting tools is West Canaan High. They have so much depth on the team that they lose their all star quarterback and hand the playbook to backup Jonathan Moxon AKA Mox (Van Der Beek), who leads the team on a wild run into the postseason. Later, they lose their starting running back and head coach and still manage to get it done. All on the backs of some guts and brainy talent of those lovable boys in West Canaan.

 

Coaching

Coyotes coach, Bud Kilmer (played by Jon Voight), is a real son-of-a-bitch. He may know the game of football but it’s an older version filled with hate and racism. You could say he is more of a stick than a carrot guy. Kilmer has a statue of himself on campus but what does that mean if all the new players hate you? On the flip side, you have Panthers coach Gary Gains (Billy Bob Thornton), who inspires his athletes and gets them to compete at levels beyond their physical gifts. He respects his players and motivates them to be better men. This a clear advantage for team Friday Night Lights.

 

Who wins?

Friday-Night-Lights-Movie-

 

Guess what? Good coaching is huge. Both squads have ballers. Maybe one is more stocked than the other but at this stage of football, it’s about the coach and their ability to get the play-makers in a position to succeed. The well-oiled-machine beats the raw talent on a neutral field. And if the SBS Octagon is anything, it’s neutral.

 

Panthers run effectively enough to set up play-action where they burn the Coyotes’ secondary. West Canaan gets a few turnovers and scores quick to keep it close but ultimately, they can’t stop the Panthers in the 4th quarter.

Final score: Panthers 31, Coyotes 27. Don’t agree? Let me know in the comments. And if James Van Der Beek is reading this, I’m kidding. Coyotes win easy. Go team Dawson!

 

I don’t want your life.

 

 


SBS Guide to: Floor Hockey

Written by :
Published on : February 21, 2017

 

Foam sticks, a high school gymnasium and all the excitement of the NHL. That’s right, I’m talking floor hockey. Most Americans learn about the sport in gym class during their teenage education. I was lucky enough to play a lot of the hardwood soft stick so I’m considered an expert by Midwest bullshit, know-it-all standards. Put on your non-marking shoes and get ready for the ScoreBoredSports guide to floor hockey.

 

Gear

You don’t need too much. A set of sticks, two goals and a puck or ball. I only ever used foam sticks. Anything too hard was considered dangerous at my weird school. Remember, keep the stick below your waist level or you’ll spend two minutes in the box. As always, good footwear is critical. Gym shoes will do nicely. Something that still has some grip. In terms of clothing, anything athletic will work. No jeans please. If you can grow a quick hockey mullet, then please do. Great hockey hair can really put this whole thing over the top. Oh, and our goalies never had any real pads. But if you have enough gear for both tenders, then game on Wayne.

foam hockey sticks

 

Strategy

Put your second best player at the center of the defense then put all your best stick-handlers up front and at the wings. Bad floor hockey players can still play decent defense. Just clog the passing lanes and crash down on whoever has the puck. For those totally unfamiliar with hockey, the easiest way to score is to draw the goalie to one side and pass to a shooter on the far post. Then just let them just tap it in.

 

Try to keep possession and pass the rock. Dump and chase can be effective but it takes your advantage of control away. Sometimes the best pass is backwards. Soccer players can understand this. You can’t drive straight to the net without attracting the whole defense. If you truly have no pass or option then play the puck forward, into space. Hopefully one of your mates can win the 50-50 ball and reclaim possession in the attacking third to set something up. If your crew is getting worked, then try to figure out who is torching you and stop the bleeding. Maybe put a spy on their best player and try to slow them down.

 

Don’t wear a watch

So this one time in high school, I had a very memorable day of FH. The quick backstory was I had a free period while the middle schoolers had their gym class. Well they were pucking around one day and I was looking for something to do. The gym teacher was also my track and soccer coach so he let me join to help fill out teams.

 

Rolex

 

Cut to later, I’m kicking ass and scoring mad goals but this little jerk kid Danny kept pestering me. He’d hit me with his stick and do anything he could to bug me. I caught a pass in the corner and had my back to the net. Danny closes in and starts hacking me with the stick again. These are foam sticks with plastic handles so it doesn’t hurt but it’s annoying as all shit.

 

Normally, the gym teacher would stop this type of slashing but I think my coach liked seeing me get provoked by this underclassmen. Danny hits me again and I turn and slash him back, knocking his stick to the ground. Now, coach blows the whistle and tosses me from the gym. I leave in a huff. What I didn’t see or know until later was that Danny was wearing some awful metal watch and it cut his wrist when I retaliated. Danny bled all over the gym floor then went to the hospital. So don’t wear a watch when you play floor hockey or else Bruno will tell you what time it is. Don’t believe me? Just watch.

 

I never got in trouble for the whole Danny thing but I do feel bad about what happened. I mean who thought a foam stick could be so deadly? The lesson is floor hockey can be lots of fun but leave that wrist bling in your locker.

 

Roughing.

 

 


Track Marks: A high school Track and Field memoir

Written by :
Published on : August 25, 2016

 

 

The 2016 Olympic Summer Games in Rio de Janeiro were a blast and it got me thinking about my old glory days as a high school track star. Well, maybe star is a bit of a reach but I was on the varsity team for all four years of high school and in that time I competed in every single event of both track and field. I won medals, broke a school record and even went to the state championship but I’m not here to brag, I’m here to take a trip down memory lane and look back at a sport that used to be a big part of my life.

 

Growing up, soccer was my sport of choice. I loved it. I played indoor during the winter and went to camps in the summer, all in an effort to make varsity some day and get on the pitch with the big kids. Unfortunately, I was an average soccer player. No real natural talent but sound fundamentals and better conditioning made me effective. I knew I had to stay in shape to get any playing time so I started running track in the spring of freshman year. It should be known that the soccer coach was also the track coach, so running track was a good way to earn brownie points.

 

 

That first year, coach didn’t really know where to put me so I tried lots of different events. Our team only had one real hurdler so I started training in the 110m and the 300m hurdles until I fell enough times that it was clear that this wasn’t my thing. Next, I did the long distance events. The mile and two mile runs, but I really didn’t like those. I got bored and would lose focus. Next came the sprints. I was much too slow out of the blocks for the 100m or the 200m dashes but in the 400m, I had enough time to catch up to the quicker kids and let my endurance win me a few races. I finally found my home.

 

Now, if you don’t know, the 400m is the worst. It’s technically a sprint but it’s a full lap of the track. That’s a quarter mile. Sprint. It’s brutal. After every serious contest I had in the 400m, I would throw up. It almost always happened. My body was in such shock. I’d post a solid time then wander behind some bushes or puke on the infield. I’d aim for the end zones if the football field lines were still painted. Touchdown.

 

The 400m was my jam, but you can be in up to four events at a single track meet so I had to fill the rest of my dance card. Naturally, I also competed in the 4x400m relay. Leaving my coach two spots to throw me wherever he saw fit.

 

High-Jump rig

 

Now is as good of a time as any to explain that I went to a really small school. Class D, Division 4. It was a strange place that is somehow both half hippy art school and half college prep. It’s a non-religious, private K-12 located in the northern suburbs of Detroit. Most of the schools we played against were rich christian private schools. So there were times at track meets where the competition was very light in certain events and that’s where coach would put me.

 

This strategy found me in long jump, shot put, discus, and even high jump. I’m just glad we didn’t have pole vault or else I’m sure they would have made me try that too. But this little tricked worked. I’d place in the event and earn a few extra points to help the team win the meet. The season would end with the league meet where we square off against all the other schools in our area. This was our big race of the year. After that, the few stand out runners would continue on to regionals and maybe even states in individual events. We never had enough qualifying athletes make to make run at a state championship for the school.

 

long jump

 

I stuck with track sophomore and junior years. I got better and faster. Hit the weight room and really saw progress in all my events. We’d go to tournaments after a long bus rides and I’d come home with a few medals. I never won like that in anything else. It was pretty great feeling. End of junior year, we had a nasty 4x400m relay team that rolled into the league meet and took first by a wide margin. Our time earned us a place in regionals where we kept it rolling and qualified for the state championship.

 

The state meet is on a weekend, like most big track and field events. The reason is because it takes forever and they need to start early. I’m talking like 8-10 hours long. It was also kind of far away so our team had to drive out the night before and stay in a hotel. Like a real NBA star. Friday night we went out for steaks and Saturday morning we rolled to the meet blasting Eye of the Tiger. We warmed up. We felt good. No nerves. Our relay team had clean hand offs and we all posted our best personal times but we didn’t even place.

 

baton handoff

 

I wasn’t mad, neither were my teammates or the coach. We all ran the fastest we have ever had and performed well as a crew but we came up short of being best in the state. Hell, I never thought I’d get that far. How could we be mad? Later we found out that we broke our school’s record for the 4x400m relay which was a perfect end to that chapter.

 

My senior year, I was named captain of the team and we were all looking forward to keeping our league championship streak alive. As the season and school year came to an end, my enthusiasm for track was waning. I decided to tell my coach that after the league meet, I didn’t want to pursue the individual events at the later tournaments. They were all on weekends in far off places and I wanted to go to graduation parties and find a girl that would let me get to second base. My coach unfortunately did not understand. He told me if I wanted to quit that I should do it now. I countered and explained that the league meet was important to me because that was the team’s big day but he couldn’t hear it. He asked for my uniform and told me to leave. I guess he wanted to wear those short shorts of mine in private.

 

The next day, coach told the team that I quit. They ended up losing the league meet too. First time in six years. It was maybe an ugly breakup but I dug my time in track and field. It treated me well. I was more successful in that sport than anything else. It used to bum me out that track was the thing I was good at when I loved so many other sports more but I’ve moved on from that. Now, I’m just grateful that I went out and gave it my all with my friends by my side.

 

Spikes.

 

 


Let the Ladies Play!

Written by :
Published on : May 23, 2016

 

If you went to high school in these United States of America, then you probably have some idea of what a Powderpuff Football game is. For those of you who did not go to school here, it’s a game of football played between the female seniors and juniors at high schools around the country. The proceeds of the ticket sales and concession are usually used for some kind of charity or to fund school functions, be it a dance or what have you. The game itself is usually played in the style of flag or two-hand-touch, but one glorious school Jupiter, Florida actually has it’s ladies play full contact in pads and helmets. Totally badass!

 

That is until last month, when the principal of Jupiter High School canceled the annual game, citing safety concerns. Principal Dan Frank feels that the game is just too dangerous. A few years ago a girl broke her leg and there numerous bruises and sprains every year… You know like in all sports. And the state of Florida even allows girls to play on boys high school football teams! This is just ridiculous. After doing the game for 50 years, this school is ending a tradition that students and members of the community love just because they are scared someone might get hurt. A mother of one of the students, upset that the game had been canceled, correctly stated that “the car ride to the game is more dangerous.”

 

JupiterHS
Caitlin Walsh, Megan Mendoza, Haley Osborne and Savannah Tardonia of Jupiter High School are not as scared as principal Frank.

 

Principal Frank suggested multiple alternatives to the beloved tackle football game, all of which were underwhelming to say the least. He suggested the usual flag or two hand touch football alternative, which was met little enthusiasm from the students due to the fact that tons of schools already do that. These girls were unique and the administration took that away from them. One of his other bright ideas was to play a modified kick ball game where the runner might have to bob for apples at second or spin around at third base. The girls found this option demeaning, and I agree with them. This principle took something that would require skill and athleticism and wants to replace it with something for 3rd graders.

 

Shame on you Dan Frank! You’ve robbed these girls of something that many of them have looked forward to since their freshmen and sophomore years in school. Hopefully, you will come to your senses or get fired and replaced with somebody who has some vision. Either way, I think we can all get behind these young ladies in their quest to resurrect their beloved Powderpuff football game.

 

Let the ladies play!

 

 

Read the local news coverage of this travesty, here.

 

 


Support Us
Support ScoreBoredSports on patreon!

patreon-medium-button
Sponsors

Hide Error message here!

Forgot your password?

Error message here!

Error message here!

Hide Error message here!

Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link to create a new password.

Error message here!

Back to log-in

Close