Quidditch is the coolest fake sport ever. Made popular by the Harry Potter series of books and films, quidditch combines polo, Australian-rules football and flying for intense sports action. Sure it’s not real but it’s super awesome. Imagine if broomsticks could fly and we had a pro league with teams in all the major cities. If you owned a quidditch squad which real life athletes would you want on it?
Well first let’s do a quick refresher on how quidditch works. The object of the game is to outscore your opponent. Each team is made up of seven players: 1 Seeker, 1 Keeper, 2 Beaters and 3 Chasers.
Chasers get points for successfully getting the Quaffle (a weird football shaped thing) through one of three hoops that the opposing Keeper protects. Two grapefruit sized balls called Bludgers magically dart around the arena smashing players off their brooms. The Beaters use a bat to redirect the Bludgers into the other players. All while the tiny Golden Snitch zips around elusively. The Seeker from each team tries to catch the Snitch, which nets you 150 points and ends the game. So now we know the rules, lets pick our team.
You want good versatility at this position. Someone with a nice combo of speed and strength with a knack for scoring. It should be known that the Chasers work together so being able to pass is just as important as finishing.
1. LeBron James, forward for the Cleveland Cavaliers. He can pass, he can shoot, he can do it all. Easy choice. James will run the floor and dish the Quaffle for easy baskets. He totally Quafflied.
2. Blake Griffin, forward for the Los Angeles Clippers. Blake can nearly fly now. Giving him magic only turns this hardwood terror into an arial monster. Plus his name fits the Harry Potter world nicely.
3. Calvin Johnson, wide receiver for the Detroit Lions. His size and solid hands make him a perfect Chaser. Megatron’s ability to shake off punishment will force teams to pay extra attention to him, this will free up the others for easy points.
These are your biggest and strongest. But we are still looking for precision here. You need skill to effectively use that bat.
1. Mike Trout, outfielder for the Los Angeles Angels. He has all the power you need, can cover great on defense and kills it with the bat.
2. Zdeno Chara, defenseman for the Boston Bruins is one of hockey’s best. He’s 6’9” and can swing that stick. I’m sure the transition to a bat will be easy for him. The Bludger is way bigger than a puck. I was going to put Brock Lesnar here but Chara seems more athletic overall. Also, Gronk wouldn’t be a terrible choice.
The brains of the outfit. The Keeper must decide which of the three hoops to defend. This job screams for someone with strong veteran leadership. Sports logic suggests maybe a soccer or hockey goalie but that is a very narrow translation of the job.
1. Travis Pastrana, motorsports and stunt competitor. He’s is super comfortable in the air, stays calm under pressure and can make those lighting fast calculations needed to pull off the impossible. Travis would own the broom and provide that stable backbone the rest of the crew would feed off of. Plus I hear he gets free Red Bull.
This is your fastest and usually best player. Being small helps but vision, guts and quickness is the real recipe for success. Like a mix of a fighter pilot and race horse jockey.
1. Harry Potter, Seeker for House Gryffindor. He is the best. Why would I pick anyone else? (eat it Viktor Krum) I thought about picking a NASCAR driver like Jimmie Johnson or Kyle Busch because those guys can go fast but are they really on Harry’s level? Don’t think so. Usain Bolt? Maybe. I do think Lionel Messi could probably do a solid job but he is only a wizard on the soccer pitch.
That’s my team. I feel pretty good about it. Leave a comment and tell me your seven. Can you dig it Cedric Diggory? Oh also, kids started playing quidditch on foot. I don’t like that. The flying is the cool part, take that away and it’s just a bunch of dummies running around with broom between their legs. Not magical, not cool. Get a job.