SBS Horoscopes

Written by :
Published on : June 27, 2016


When was the last time you had your cards read? Or your fortune told? Sports people are often deeply superstitious and are looking for signs from above. Well, ScoreBoredSports is here for you. Let’s look to the cosmos for answers to those big questions. This is the first installment of a new recurring feature we are simply calling SBS Horoscopes. If you are completely unfamiliar then simply use your birthday to see which zodiac sign you are and read the corresponding message. Oh man, I feel just like Zoltar, you know, the fortune-telling machine from the movie Big.


Aries (March 21 – April 19):

Don’t be surprised if things feel like they are moving slow. Basketball and hockey are over and this is the sleepy part of the year until football starts. Give your projects and relationships some time. This period is rough on everybody.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20):

Your favorite player gets arrested this offseason. Bummer. Pick a new team, ’cause it’s over for your old one. And generally this is good advice for you. Be ready for some new interests and opportunities. Maybe ask out that crush from the coffee house.


Gemini (May 21 – June 20):



Now is the time to connect or reconnect with family. Make this a priority. Maybe a game of catch or a trip to the ballpark. It will do wonders for your attitude and recharge your spirit. Do not discount this message, because a Gemini without its twin is destined to fail.


Cancer (June 21 – July 22):

A player on your hated rival gets cancer. Try your hardest not to take pleasure from this. Sportsmanship says you want to beat a team when they are full strength. Also, wishing off-field hardship on your enemies is an easy way to bring bad karma. See this as the test it is and you will pass.


Leo (July 23 – August 22):

You are bursting at the seems with energy you don’t have an outlet for. Don’t waste it. Use it on an athletic endeavor. Channel this power into your workouts or start a new activity entirely. You’ll find that if you feed yourself new challenges then your appetite for life will only grow.


Virgo (August 23 – September 22):



Feeling blue? That’s okay. Understand that this is emotional training needed for the future. If your team is ever going to win the championship then they need you, the fan, to be ready for that rollercoaster. The deeper the pain now, the higher the enjoyment later. Also, breathe.


Libra (September 23 – October 22):

Learn to say “no”. This will be your new best friend. Don’t sit through watching golf if you secretly hate it. Speak up. Your friends won’t abandon you, they will respect you. And if they do leave then they were never your real friend, just some golf loving freak.


Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):

You are at yet another crossroads. Seems par for the course recently. Take solace in the fact that you are learning to find peace in the chaos. Staying connected to your favorite team can act as a north star for those lost in a storm. Even if that just means checking scores on your phone.


Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):



Two words: road trip. Go travel and see your squad play in a new town. Be that fan that follows the team anywhere. The journey will no doubt be rewarding. And the memories you get to cherish for a lifetime. Finding the resources may be difficult but it’s worth it, a hundred times over.


Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):

You demand the best from everyone and that includes your sports team. High standards are important, but going undefeated is rare. Be accepting to the notion that there will be losses. It doesn’t take away from their effort. See that. Each victory is a treat, don’t act so spoiled to assume a win.


Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):

Please resist the urge to get that tattoo proclaiming “Super Bowl Champs” before the year has even started. I know you want to show your support but this is not the way. Maybe get a custom made jersey or paint your garage door in team colors, but don’t mark your skin permanently. Not until they actually win. If that’s your kind of thing.


Pisces (February 19 – March 20):



The selfless designated driver of the group. No one thanks you enough for your hard work. You buy the tickets and organize everything. So please take some time and treat yourself to something nice. Maybe a deep dish pizza or a new sweater. You earned it. And don’t feel guilty about it either. That’s an order.


Hope this helps. Check back for new readings. I feel so in touch right now. Like I just read an issue of In Touch while waiting to checkout at the grocery store. Maybe I should buy some lottery tickets?





SBS Remembers: The American Gladiators

Written by :
Published on : June 6, 2016


Flashback to September, 1989. To the premiere of a new tv show that would combine the story of David versus Goliath, the action of the NFL and all with the bodies of the Greek Gods. SBS is proud to flex our way back to a world of big hair, tight abs and awesome nicknames. This is American Gladiators. One of my all-time favorites. My buddies and I regularly tried to recreate elements of the show in our backyards or basements.


American Gladiators was a reality competition program where regular folks would battle against the show’s ringers for a chance at prizes and glory. Two sets of contestants (one male, one female) were featured each episode. Your average event pitted a player against one of the gladiators in some wacky athletic challenge to see how many points they could ring up (usually, not very many). But before we get too far into the details, let’s meet the stars that kept us tuning in each week.


The Gladiators



Each muscle-bound warrior has a rad handle like they are all Top Gun fighter pilots. The original cast featured: Nitro, Malibu, Lace, Sunny, Gemini and Zap. They added more over time and replaced a few as the show progressed. Other fan-favs were Laser, Turbo, Diamond, Thunder, Hawk, Ice, Diesel, Blaze, Tower and Sabre. They played the role of both villain and hero, all while rocking red, white and blue singlets. That’s talent. We wanted to see them crush the contestants and gloat while doing it. The real achievement is that the gladiators had real personality. Some were funny, some were cold but they were all charming. And ripped. I’m sure they were going through cases of protein powder and hair spray on a daily basis.


Malibu is like Jeff Spicoli (Fast Times at Ridgemont High) on steroids.


The Events

These are the images that have survived the passage of time. You may not remember the details of the show but most can recall those giant hamster ball things. The game is called Atlasphere. Roll your cage onto the point platforms while avoiding the gladiators.




Other memorable events are the Joust, where players use what looks like a giant q-tip to try and push the other person off their pedestal. The object of Hang Tough is to swing from chain to chain while someone like Nitro (last name Glistening. That’s right, Nitro Glistening) tries to catch you and drop you. Plus there is Powerball, The Wall, Whiplash and half dozen other set ups but the real gem is Gauntlet. One gladiator mans a tennis ball machine gun turret and tries to snipe the player as they make their way from station to station where they find weapons to fire back. It’s the best.


The Eliminator

All of the events are just appetizers for the big finale: The Eliminator. A monster of an obstacle course where the players race head to head. The points leader of the day gets a head start for their hard work. Gladiators are positioned all over the arena and try and slow the runners down. I seem to remember that everyone has trouble with the cargo net. That’s the place where you can really make up some time. This last event is excellent because you get to witness how tired each racer gets. By the end, it’s a battle of guts and who wants it more. The heart of real sports.




The Arnold Schwarzenegger film, The Running Man, came out in 1987 and no doubt had a clear impact on the minds that created American Gladiators. They brought that fictional game to life and filled it with characters that seem pulled from the WWF. But unlike wrestling, it was real and America couldn’t get enough. Now if you’ll excuse, I need to hit the weights.





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