Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon Week 16: Antonio Brown Stretches For Game Winning TD and “The Killer Shrews”

Written by :
Published on : December 31, 2016

 

Welcome back to Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon. In this spooky sanctum I’ve poured over all the replay tape to come up with my favorite NFL play of the week. Then it’s straight back to the projector to unspool a film you may have not been aware of…

 

The lights have dimmed, the black candles gutter, and the dark lord has been invoked.

 

Week 16: Antonio Brown Stretches for Game Winning TD

 

 

Can it be? Act like you know.

 

It’s damn near impossible to pick anything except this in week 16, with Antonio Brown showing the kind of skill and effort that makes him one of the league’s top receivers in a play that all but wrapped up the AFC North for the Steelers. Y’all know Roger Pretzel’s a run kind of guy in the red zone but that’s obviously not the way the league works anymore, and you’re not gonna do it regardless with a scant fourteen ticks left in the game and no times out.

 

I love this play. Offensive coordinator Todd Haley’s not rewriting the book with a short cross pass, but making the route just shy of the goal line and trusting your receiver to fight for the touchdown is pure gold. Brown stands up to three D-men and has the power to not go down and the smarts to stretch that arm out. This should be a contender for play of the year.

 

Week 16: The Killer Shrews

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Director: Ray Kellog
Released: 1959

 

This surprisingly intriguing B-movie is rightfully famous today for its atrocious special effects, in which greyhound dogs were outfitted with toothy facial prosthetics and some sort of shaggy fur suit in order to depict the titular shrews that are let loose against a hapless group of humans holed up for a last stand. I’m not going to say the visuals aren’t often ridiculous but you owe it to yourself to give this one a chance.

 

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Here’s the concept behind the silly title: in the real world, shrews are tiny little guys related to moles who, because of their diminutive size, have a bonkers fast metabolism rate that requires them to eat more than their body weight every day. So what if you sized up these crazed predators to a stature that could take down humans? In reality the animal would have a lower metabolic rate, but this is Hollywood baby, so let’s suspend the disbelief.

 

The writing is easily the strongest element of the picture with not only the conceit of the hyper predatory shrews becoming giant, but also the concept of a scientist trying to shrink down humanity so we’ll have more resources to go around (“The Big Shrink” by The Dead Kennedys, anyone?).

 

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There’s some good human drama here too, with hero James Best evading assassination attempts from wannabe-top-dog Ken Curtis all while the slavering beasts are pounding the gates. Finally, the depiction of violence is far more serious here than one might reasonably expect. Shotgun blasts knock over well trained dogs-cum-shrews within the same frame without a cut, which is really quite impressive for such a low budget picture.

 

And yet it’s clearly this combination of positive elements and schlocky visuals that elevates The Killer Shrews from a worthwhile programmer into the pantheon. The threat of death is so palpably real for these lousy actors, but on the other hand, their attackers come off so distinctly as dogs dressed up as monsters.

 

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View the trailer here:

 

 

And the masterpiece in its entirety:

 

 

 


NFL’s Clutch Killers

Written by :
Published on : November 18, 2016

 

This one goes out to the true ballers. The teams and players that never say die. The stats and odds may be stacked against them but they laugh in the face of fear and pull off the impossible. But if you routinely pull off the impossible can we really call it impossible? Woah, intellectual brain freeze. Let’s get to know the NFL crews that are pure clutch.

 

The New York Giants

Coming off a 1 point win over the Cincinnati Bengals on Monday Night Football, the G-men are now 6-3. Not bad, still chasing Dallas, even though they did beat them in week 1, but that seems ages ago. All 6 wins have been within 7 points. So the games they are winning are all being won in the fourth quarter. That takes guts. Giants are last in the league in rushing. So Eli Manning has t0 get some of the credit here. We all jump on him when he throws the pick but he is leading them to wins. And looking ahead they have Chicago and Cleveland. Both seem like very winnable games. The schedule after that gets brutal: at Pittsburgh, Dallas, Detroit, at Philly, at Washington. We are going to learn a lot about New York in those last weeks.

 

 

The Detroit Lions

Matt Stafford is the new comeback kid in the mold of Favre or Elway. In all 5 wins, the Cardiac Cats were trailing in the 4th quarter and Stafford led them back. The arm of quarterback and the leg of kicker Matt Parter have been clutch all season. All these two need is 40 seconds (with or without time outs) to get down the field and boot the game winner. The world is finally taking notice of what fans in Detroit have seen Matt do this his whole career. Stafford currently has 25 game-winning drives in just 102 games played. That’s all fancy stat talk meaning don’t give him a last chance with the ball unless you are ready to lose.

 

Detroit can add some wins in their next four games where they play Jacksonville, Minnesota, at New Orleans and Chicago. After that it gets wild with all road games starting at New York, at Dallas and at Green Bay. Wow, who at the scheduling office hates the Lions? If Detroit is going to make the playoffs, it is because of Stafford and his killer instinct.

 

The Kansas City Chiefs

 

KC is 7-2 and winners of 5 straight. Unlike the teams mentioned above, the Chiefs have been winning late but not necessarily because of QB Alex Smith. Don’t get me wrong, he has been vital in the victories but they have found different ways to win each week. In week 10, Kansas City was down 17 to Carolina before they finally woke up. A few field goals, a pick six, a touchdown and a forced fumble led to a game winning kick that stole Christmas from the Panthers.

 

The AFC West is tight and KC plays 2 divisional games in the next 4 weeks. First it’s Tampa Bay, at Denver, at Atlanta, Oakland. The regular season ends for them with matchups with Tennessee, Denver and at San Diego. This crew will make the playoffs either as the division winner or a wild card.

 

No one wants to play these types of teams. They keep hanging around all game and it almost seems over until something crazy happens. It’s a powerful x-factor that swing the fates of the postseason.

 

Heart attack.

 

 


Roger Pretzel’s Review ‘N Brew: Week 4

Written by :
Published on : October 10, 2015

 

In this little corner Roger Pretzel will review his favorite play of the week along with a thoughtful review of what beverage he was imbibing at the time.
 
 
 
 

Week 4: T.J. Ward Strips Bridgewater for the Show Stopper

 

VIDEO: HERE

 

Is there anything more anxiety inducing for both teams than a final minute drive with the game on the line? The answer is no, not really. No. ‘Ole Pretzel’s highlight this week comes via a stout Denver defense that stood up to a potentially dynamic drive and sealed up the game for goodsies.

Prior to this play Bridgewater connected with a sharp 17-yard pickup, but shortly thereafter Denver releases the hounds as T.J. Ward rushes in for the strip to make all of Viking fandom gasp in terror. This game winning play is particularly impressive in that it proved to be a team effort as Brandon Marshall sprawls out, pushing the bouncing pigskin back towards the Denver line and into the waiting arms of (who else?) Von Miller who covers it up for good. In a matter of seconds the Vikings’ drive ends with a showstopper on the backs of three baaaaaaaaaaad men.

 

Week 4: Cabin Still Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

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As the Lions fall to 0-4, partially due to a badly blown call (sound familiar?), a broken man’s fancy turns from the frivolity of beer to the darker sanctuary found in hard corn liquor. What better way to drown one’s sorrows with a high quality, yet cheap as sin whiskey? Friends, I bring you Cabin Still. So maybe the “high quality” claim is a little overblown, but for my money this is the best bang for your buck if you’re gonna go dangerously discount. Sometimes you can find it at barbeque joints, and occasionally at dive bars, but in my opinion it’s always worth keeping an eye out for.

One time I was driving through Kentucky back in the day when I shouted words in a crude facsimile of singing for a band. We had to stop for gas, and so I ran across the highway to a liquor store for the novelty of buying bourbon in Kentucky, which I would argue, we needed for our travels anyway. We were in a hurry so I had to move fast. I scanned the well-stocked aisles but couldn’t find my favorite yellow label.

I ran up to the old pot-bellied counterman and asked about Cabin Still. The man laughed with a hideous cackle that I prefer to remember as a charming southern chuckle and said: “Sheee-it boy, we ain’t stocked Cabin Still in but the longest time.” So I just picked up a bottle of Ancient Age instead, which lasted us all the way to St. Louis.

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It was fine, I guess. Certainly no Cabin Still that’s for sure.

Alright young’uns, until the Lions get a win, you can find me on the porch with a generous slug of granddaddy’s cough medicine. I’ll check in with you next week.

 

 


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