Fantasy Dodgeball

Written by :
Published on : June 13, 2017

 

A question: if you had to make a fantasy dodgeball team made up of athletes from across every discipline, who would you pick? Which sports would you select from? Welcome to the brand new, hyper competitive world of fantasy dodgeball. Now line up against the gym wall and let’s pick squads.

 

Let’s say it’s a five person crew you are building. Who is your top draft pick? The player to anchor your unit. My first guess is to say LeBron James. Safe choice. Big, strong, natural leader, a history of handling balls. Seems like a good fit. But that begs the question: what are we looking for in a dodgeball player? You want athletes with good lateral movement, great hand-eye coordination and some affinity for balls or projectiles.

 

Mar 21, 2016; Cleveland, OH, USA; Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James (23) look to pass during the fourth quarter against the Denver Nuggets at Quicken Loans Arena. The Cavs won 124-91. Mandatory Credit: Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports

 

The NFL is an interesting place to pull a talent from for the new pro dodgeball league. But what position to choose? Classic logic would say quarterback. Someone with a strong arm and good feet. Maybe Cam Newton type. But what about thinking defensively and taking an NFL safety or corner. Someone to cover the back end and catch thrown or deflected shots. Someone like Richard Sherman. Great instincts, reaction time and hair. Perfect fit.

 

So we have our leader and our back end covered, Now, we need some shooters. Serena Williams comes to mind. Super powerful, great footwork and that work ethic would make her killer on the wing. And for those of you concerned, no racket-no problem. Williams is a mega athlete who can probably do anything. Above all, it’s her court presence that will be the biggest asset moving forward.

 

 

From the ice, I’d like to call up Dylan Larkin from the Detroit Red Wings. Larky is the star of tomorrow and maybe one of the fastest kids on skates today. Every championship team needs that scrappy little guy who just won’t quit. Well that’s Dylan. Don’t let his size fool you. His heart and skill are as big as a mountain. Plus, in a game where getting hit gets you eliminated, being small isn’t the worst thing.

 

On to the world of baseball. Once again, classic logic may lean you towards a flamethrower pitcher but remember, dodgeball is a fluid game. All players must be moving and dodging or it’s game over. This critical emphasis on mobility takes me from pitcher to infield. We want someone with a cannon of an arm but the athleticism to keep up. Say hello to Manny Machado. His arm and glove are some of the best in the bigs. Plus he’s got the strength and speed to deliver some haymakers of his own.

 

 

That’s my team: LeBron James, Richard Sherman, Serena Williams, Dylan Larkin and Manny Machado. Not bad for a first time General Manager of a made up league. Leave your fantasy dodgeball roster ideas in the comments below. And to keep it fun, only one player from each sport. Please and thank you. Now, let the rubber fly!

 

Dodger.

 

 


Playing sports after 30

Written by :
Published on : November 23, 2015

 

 

If you are like me, then you are old now. I love sports but I can’t play them like I could when I was 18. So now I have to pick my battles. Here is a little advice on how to keep rocking in the free world AKA playing sports after 30.

 

1. Stay away from traps

If you can’t ball then don’t go down to the court. Don’t put shorts on and drive all the way down there to pretend like you can keep up. I’m not saying you can never hoop again, I’m just saying not with these people. Maybe pop-shot basketball at the fair or arcade is more your speed. Or balled pieces of paper and your office trash can. Whatever, just don’t set yourself up for failure. If your friend plays racquetball and asks you to come play racquetball, you say no. You suck at racquetball. And your friend is good at racquetball. Fuck that.

 

Gotta love a sport with goggles

 

2. Find your groove

Pick a low impact game where they serve drinks: darts, pool, golden tee, real golf, bowling. Something that you can age into. You don’t need to be too mobile to play any of these and it still makes you look like an athlete (kinda). ¬†Also, you can always leverage your skill in these games into gambling good times. “If I pick up this spare you buy the next round” sounds like it’s paying off already.

If for some weird reason you are not bad at everything then please stop reading. I don’t think that’s fair to anyone. I mean you already have everything. You need my jokes too?

Okay, I think they are gone. Anyway. You don’t need to be good at everything anymore. Just pick one thing. That’s your thing now. No one expects you to be good at more than one. And if you are good at more than one then I think I already told you to leave.

Find the activity you really dig and get into it. But please stop pretending that you rock climb or want to play adult dodge ball. You like cycling or whatever. Just admit it.

 

3. Stretch

Do it. It will help. I get that it is maybe embarrassing to do in public. Hide, get it done. This should be a no-brainer.

 

Reach!

 

4. Shut up about it

No one cares. Shut up. If you find someone who exactly likes your same shit, then perfect. But assume everyone hates it. Don’t be ashamed just shut up about it. If it comes up, try and play it cool, for once. You’re 30 or older. Everyone makes fun of crossfit believers because they are constantly talking about how awesome it is. Like some kind of fitness cult. That’s what you sound like with whatever yoga or surfing garbage you love.

Another reason to play it cool is because if your hidden batting cage prowess is revealed naturally then you will be a legend in that moment. But not if everyone knows you hit the cages three times a week. So shut up about it. Rule of thumb: never say anything until someone good looking brings it up first.

 

 

So that’s it. Remember to stay active and I don’t mean the gym. Toss the football around, hallway hockey, something with a kayak. Have fun. Be safe. And don’t take too many pictures.

 

 


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