Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon Conference Championships: Ripkowski Stripped By Jalen Collins and “The Food of the Gods”

Written by :
Published on : January 26, 2017

 

Welcome back to Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon. In this spooky sanctum I’ve poured over all the replay tape to come up with my favorite NFL play of the week. Then it’s straight back to the projector to unspool a film you may have not been aware of…

 

The lights have dimmed, the walls drip blood, and the bell tolls for thee.

 

Conference Championships: Ripkowski Stripped By Jalen Collins

 

What’d I tell ya? The Falcons D-men showed up and gave Green Bay a headache all day long. There’s always gonna be a little schadenfreude involved for this Lions fan when The Pack loses, but even with the nutso amount of injuries they had coming in, I never saw this total implosion coming down the pike.

 

The Packers died the death of a thousand cuts with a majority of their top players off the field or playing hurt, an early missed field goal by Mason Crosby, and this mega-bummer of a fumble by Aaron Ripkowski.

 

Ripkowski has shown some impressive flashes as a power runner and this big statement play, pushing past the first-down marker, felt special on a day where both teams had trouble running the ball. But you gotta hold on. This is great textbook play on the part of Jalen Collins playing for the ball with Ripkowski safely wrapped up by a couple other guys. Collins really owns the damn thing by recovering the rock in the end zone for a touchback.

 

Congrats to the Falcons. Bring on the Super Bowl.

 

Conference Championships: The Food of the Gods

food_of_the_gods

Director: Bert I. Gordon
Released: 1976

 

It’s no secret that Roger Pretzel loves a good giant animal flick, and this one’s gotta be my favorite of them all.

 

It’s a fairly simple setup from famed genre scribe H. G. Wells himself, in which the titular goop causes all animals who consume it to grow to massive proportions. And while the chickens, rats, and other quotidian creatures may not be as shocking or crazy as the giant ants of Them! (1954), or the tarantula of the cleverly named Tarantula (1955), the generous amount of beautiful matte shots, solidly constructed puppets, and good old fashioned animal wranglin’ all laid out by special effects vet Bert I. Gordon, here as director, makes for joyous viewing.

 

Food-of-the-Gods-1

 

Something tells me that the original H. G. Wells story didn’t include shaggy blonde football players with sideburns in the lead, but this is ScoreBoredSports so we welcome that addition, plus all the ‘70’s affectations only add to the fun filled B-picture feel.

 

Once again, the survival horror angle of a disparate group thrown together wins the day as the jocks, a standard love interest, a pregnant hippy couple, and a straight up asshole from Central Casting all vie to live another day.

 

food-of-the-gods-4

 

If the visuals are worth the ticket alone, some of the schlockier elements provide icing on the cake with eyebrow-raising plot conceits like “even though regular rats are excellent swimmers, big ones might not be” and the notable instance of a poor actor trying his hardest to act terrified as a giant chicken puppet is aggressively pushed from off screen into his face.

 

At its most fun, when not taken too seriously, The Food of the Gods remains required viewing for junkies of pre-CG effects and lovers of the stranger cinema.

 

FOOD-OF-THE-GODS-2


The Trailer:

 

 

Full movie: Here

 

 


Blackout Bruno’s NFL Conference Championship Picks

Written by :
Published on : January 19, 2017

 

 

Hot damn. Things are really heating up. I went 3-1 in the Wild Card round pick and another 3-1 in the Divisional round. I’ll call that good not great. Like Jack and Coke level good. Either way, we are finally seeing some quality football. Let’s hope that continues in the Conference Championships. Let’s pour ourselves into both the AFC and NFC matchups for this installment of Blackout Bruno’s NFL Conference Championship picks.

 

Before I choose winners. Let’s take a shot. Of knowledge. The four remaining franchises are some of the most successful teams in history. If you minus the Falcons (who have only gone to one Super Bowl and they lost) the other three teams have a combined 14 Super Bowl wins in 21 appearances. Steelers have 6 wins and Packers and Pats both have 4. Chances are, some already super successful owner is adding to their trophy case. The rich get richer.

 

Green Bay Packers at Atlanta Falcons

Matt Ryan has his squad in great position. They are playing inside, on their home turf, where they normally light up the scoreboard. Their defense is underrated but good at both getting pressure and taking the ball away. Plus Matty Ice was bounced out of the Divisional round by the Pack back in 2010 and you know he would love pay back the favor. On the other side, you have Aaron Rodgers. Give this dude an inch and he will burn you. I really want to see the Falcons win but somehow the Packers pull another win out of their cheesy asses.

Winner: Green Bay

 

Pittsburgh Steelers at New England Patriots

 

I had the Chiefs playing here in my last set of picks. Bravo to the Steelers who won a tough game on the road. Pittsburgh has all the tools to beat New England but it is going to take their all. Perfect play in all three phases. That’s the only way to kill a monster. You have to be thorough and diligent. On the Pats end, they are the modular system where they become their enemy’s worst nightmare. Tom Brady will have his crew fired up and they win a thriller.

Winner: New England

 

The Super Bowl is in Houston. Very much neutral field. I can’t wait. I’ll be in New Orleans for the big game. Why? Because NOLA rules and you can drink in the street. This will be my third trip there in less than 12 months. Maybe I should buy a house in the city? If you are not natives of Pennsylvania, Wisconsin or New England then you should be rooting for Atlanta. Let someone else win for once.

 

Go Falcons.

 

 


Roger Pretzel’s Review ‘N Brew: Conference Championships

Written by :
Published on : January 27, 2016

 

 

 

In this little corner Roger Pretzel will review his favorite play of the week along with a thoughtful review of what beverage he was imbibing at the time.

 

Conference Championships: Kurt Coleman Picks Carson Palmer in End Zone After Carolina Gives Up Ball

 That’s so pretty.

 

VIDEO: HERE

 

 

All right guys, after these Conference Championships I’m officially excited for the Super Bowl. We’ve got Denver, whose defense threw Tom Brady around the field like a rag-doll all day, against a Carolina offense that racks up points faster than a hobo eating a ham sandwich. Both these games were packed with stellar plays, but one in particular tickled my mercurial fancy.

 

With only a ten point differential in the game, Cam launched a ball he probably shouldn’t have, getting picked off by Patrick Peterson for a substantial return and great field position. He might’ve taken it to the house too had Ted Ginn not been able race back for the tackle. The Cardinals defense had come through to give AZ a much-needed break from the hard charging Carolina offense, and a great shot at narrowing the score gap.

 

But the very next play Palmer gives the ball right back, as Kurt Coleman goes up big for a full extension, two-handed catch that would be one of two interceptions for the Safety on the day. It’s not like John Brown could’ve gotten that ball anyway, what with some excellent Carolina coverage in the backfield. It was a long day for Arizona, and this is just one example of how they were thoroughly manhandled on both sides of the ball. Simply put, Carolina looks like a championship team to me.

 

Conference Championships: A Bunch of Stuff Your Grandparents Drink

 

Your Grandpa called this week and wanted me to come over and help him move the big ladder “back into the damn garage.” I promised I’d come over on Sunday to help him and watch the games.

 

After the minute-and-a-half it took to return the ladder to its proper place we settled in for some well-earned relaxation and football goodness. Your Granddad offered me a drink, and I was much obliged. One lead to another, and soon we were telling tales and getting cheerful. Here’s a recap of what your grandparents keeps on hand for guests.

 

I.W. Harper Whiskey:

bo0056e1309-52_IM220133

We got things started off right with the hard stuff. He broke me off some ice cubes that tasted like the nasty plastic tray they came from into my souvenir ballpark cup and then poured out a generous dose of the brown stuff.
“Whoo –whe, That’ll get yer ticker started,” your grandfather told me as he slugged a good deal of his back. “When I was a pup we used to make our own, but this grocery store business tastes a might better’n what we was used to.” I thanked your Grandfather and downed my glass, noticing that the telltale bottle of I.W. Harper was from the 1970’s. Tom Brady got sacked, and we both hooted and hollered.

 

It was about that time that your Grandmother came in. She snagged a pack of Tareytown smokes out of the freezer and glared at us. She packed the cigs against her palm, and then lit one up as your grandparents glared at one another. I felt very uncomfortable.

 

“How you doing Roger?” she asked in her thick accent, leaving the room before I could answer.

 

See also: J&B Scotch, Canadian Club, Wild Irish Rose

 

Schlitz Beer:

schlitzisaac

 

When we finished the bottle of Harper your Grandpa said he’d “go to the icebox and grab us some cold ones.” I assured him he didn’t need to get up, but he insisted, shuffling all the way out to the garage, moving aside the tall ladder, and pulling out a couple sixers of Schlitz. I asked your Grandfather why he kept the beer in the garage when there was a minifridge in the living room where his wife kept her cigarettes, but he simply told me to “shut up, and mind my own damn business.” The beer wasn’t the tastiest, but it was cold as the dickens, and Tom Brady was mounting a comeback, so I fixed my eyes on the blue light of the cathode-ray tube.

 

I think we both cheered when New England failed to complete the game-ending two-point conversion. That’s when the trouble really started. You’re Grandma burst into the room, waving a broom at me and shouting at your Grandpa in Italian.

 

“You know I don’t understand no goddamned eye-talian,” your Grandfather informed her. I got up to leave, finishing the last of my Schlitz. They both yelled at me to sit back down in unison. “You too! Sit down for chrissakes, will ‘ya woman?” Your Grandmother scowled at us and left the room again.

 

See also: Grain Belt, Falstaff, Rainier

 

A Jug of Carlo Rossi:

Jug DSC01359

 

But a moment later, your Grandmother returned with a jug of Carlo Rossi and two small glasses. Before I could protest she poured me out a healthy belt telling me it was good for my heart. She helped herself to a glass and we all settled in to watch the Arizona/Carolina game.

 

During the commercials your Grandma asked me all kinds of questions without waiting for an answer: “When are you going to have children? Why did that nice girl leave you? When are you going to get a real job?” I was actually quite thankful not to be able to get a word in edgewise. She also kept making me eat these cookies that had really pretty wrappers but tasted like almonds and cardboard.

 

Grandpa kept knocking back his Schlitz cans and Grandma kept refilling our glasses. The room was turning blue from all the Tareytown smoke, and I was actually getting a little nauseous but your Grandparents didn’t seem to mind.

 

During the second half your Grandparents were getting loose! They told me all about their experiences during the war, and how they met later in America. They told me lots of funny stories about your parents and they even started dancing with each other each time the Panthers scored a touchdown.

 

On the cab ride home I thought about how much I like your grandparents. You should probably give them a call sometime.

 

See also: Shitty Chianti in a Straw Wrapped Bottle, A big bottle of oxidized Merlot, “I don’t have any wine.”

 

 


Support Us
Support ScoreBoredSports on patreon!

patreon-medium-button
Sponsors

Hide Error message here!

Forgot your password?

Error message here!

Error message here!

Hide Error message here!

Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link to create a new password.

Error message here!

Back to log-in

Close