Unless you’ve been living under a rock then you’ve probably heard about the upcoming fight of the century. I’m not talking about McGregor-Mayweather, I’m talking about something much more prolific. That’s right, Chris Brown and Soulja Boy. A match that could change the sport of boxing forever. A fight of such epic proportions needs a solid undercard, and while there is a rumor that former NBA stars Kenyon Martin and Tim Thomas could square off, I think we can do better. Here is a list of potential undercard matches worthy of such a prestigious event.
Mick Jagger vs Paul McCartney
Music fans have been waiting for this fight for years. These two are the top dogs in two of the greatest rock n roll bands of all time. Sir Paul plays the pretty boy part much better than Jagger, who is definitely more of a wild card. I would love to believe that this feud has been brewing for years and they have been waiting to get at each other. After all, it was Paul and his old friend John who wrote the Rolling Stones first commercial hit and then it could be argued that the Stones began to copy the Beatles style in the late 60’s. Jagger also famously made fun of the Beatles following their break up, causing Lennon to make fun of Jagger’s dancing. This thing has been simmering for 50 years and it’s time to pay the piper. I think John could have taken Mick but this might be too much for Paul.
Winner: Mick Jagger
Mitch McConnell vs Bernie Sanders
No one ever really thinks of two old, white, politicians as a blockbuster fight, but stay with me for a second. These two guys represent polar opposite ends of the American political spectrum. When they square off, they will be fighting for the political future of the USA. That alone will get people tuning in. Plus, don’t act like you don’t kind of want to see two grandfathers go at it. Mitch McConnell has the ability to inflate the underside of his neck in order to scare away predators but that’s his only move due to a lack of an actual spine. Bernie is from Brooklyn and won’t be phased by the tricks of his opponent. McConnell’s corporate overlords can’t help him once he is locked in the ring with the nation’s true champion of the people. Bernie destroys Mitch who is then summoned back to the depths of hell by his masters.
Winner: Bernie Sanders
Rush Limbaugh vs Rachel Maddow
While Limbaugh has a big strength advantage over the much smaller Maddow, she likely holds the advantage in agility and stamina. I would also say that she most likely wins in the areas of mental sharpness and reaction time because she hasn’t been chewing 5 vicodin with her cornflakes every morning for the last couple of decades. Or maybe she has, I guess we can’t be sure. Either way, this is a total Princess Leia/Jabba the Hutt situation. Jabba, I mean Rush, will have control at first but at some point he will get tired and let his guard down. That’s when Rachel gets the drop on him and ends it.
Winner: Rachel Maddow
The Pope vs Donald Trump
The ultimate battle of good vs imbecile. The 266th Pope of the Catholic Church, Francis I faces off against the 45th President of the United States, Donald Trump. The build up to this fight will be extremely confusing as Trump’s Twitter insults turn into public support for the Pope, who turns the other cheek by repeatedly blessing Trump and praying for his sick, sad soul. I really want to believe that His Holiness would beat some sense into Trump, but he would probably just remain non-violent and allow the holy spirit to protect him against Trump’s assault. Most of which will probably be verbal anyways, because Trump wouldn’t want to break a nail or something. In the end the only thing Trump destroys is the english language, his last shred of self respect and our beloved constitution. In the end, they just cancel each other out.
Update: Chris Brown backs out
Nah he acting like a Bitch. Won’t sign the boxing contract https://t.co/CCwxntMJ6H
— Soulja Boy (@souljaboy) February 21, 2017
Sadly it looks like Chris Brown has backed out of the fight of the century. Soulja Boy took to Twitter to tell the world how he feels about Brown’s decision not to box him. While we sadly won’t get to see what was supposed to be the main event but there could be a silver lining. Now we can have one of the above-mentioned mega fights as the final bout!