Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon Week 7: Landon Collins Insane Pick Six and “The Creature Walks Among Us”

Written by :
Published on : October 26, 2016

 

Welcome back to Roger Pretzel’s Haunted Dungeon. In this spooky sanctum I’ve poured over all the replay tape to come up with my favorite NFL play of the week. Then it’s straight back to the projector to unspool a film you may have not been aware of…

 

The lights have dimmed, the ghosts are screaming, and the chains rattle ominously.

 

Week 7: Landon Collins Insane Pick Six

 

We here at the Haunted Dungeon love a good pick six and this is the wackiest one we’ve come across this season. Straight from Twickenham Stadium in jolly old England, Case Keenum pitches one to Tavon Austin who gives up a monster tip that lands in the arms of Landon Collins. And that’s when the fun begins.

 

Intercepting the ball at the 45-yard-line, it takes Collins nearly fifteen whole seconds to cut and amble his way into the end zone. He does a good job breaking that first tackle that comes from behind with speed, and picks up an even better block immediately right after from safety Andrew Adams.

 

My favorite part of the play is the convoy of blockers at the end just rumbling through those last few yards before an exhausted Collins collapses into the end zone. It speaks to this wild and wooly six points being a team effort as opposed to just the singular heroics of one dude. Big Blue Wrecking Crew indeed.

 

Week 7: The Creature Walks Among Us

creature_walks_among_us_poster_02.jpg.html

 

Director: John Sherwood
Released: 1956

 

Universal Studios will always be best known for its cycle of classic monster movies from the 1930’s all the way into the 1950’s. You know the crew: Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolf Man, The Invisible Man, and The Creature from the Black Lagoon, not to mention a whole host of one-off chillers with the kooky The Old Dark House (1932) being my personal favorite. It’s also pretty amazing to think that our primary pop-culture visual conceptions of these monsters, particularly Dracula and Frankenstein, come directly from these movies.

 

creature3

 

All these beasties appeared in multiple films and sequels, but in the entire cycle there is no single film more bizarre or improbable than The Creature Walks Among Us. Dig the plot: A deranged scientist and his cheesecake pinup wife are hunting the escaped the Gill-man down in the Florida Everglades. Upon capture, the monstrous innocent is horribly burned in a fire, and a surgery to save his life shows that he has human-like lungs in addition to his aquatic gills. The logical conclusion is to put the Creature in a bizarre ill-fitting suit and try to integrate him into society!

 

The ludicrous premise along with the Creature’s noticeably shabby make up design is a hoot, and when the picture tries to elicit sympathy for the Creature’s plight, with the bulkily clothed brute staring out longingly towards the ocean, you’ll enjoy picking your jaw up off the floor.

 

1956_CreatureWalks_img14

 

Along with the inevitable and obligatory destructive rampage, there’s some hilarious scientific pontification about how the Creature’s genetic makeup could provide that boost to send man into space. There’s a truly memorable moment in which the Creature manhandles a savage mountain lion in a style that would make Andre The Giant proud.

 

the-creature-walks-among-us

 

For proof that I’m not lying, behold the trailer here:

 

 

I couldn’t find any streaming options out there but there are plenty of cheap DVD copies available on Amazon.

 

 


Review of HBO’s 2016 Hard Knocks

Written by :
Published on : September 7, 2016

 

 

The Los Angeles Rams are the subject of this season of HBO’s Hard Knocks. A superiorly produced documentary series partnered with NFL Films that shows an exclusive behind the scenes look at training camp. All the highs and lows. It’s excellent and helps get me get pumped for the new NFL year. The Rams were a solid choice to focus on because this is their first season back to L.A. after relocating from St Louis. A team coming back to it’s old town is just a great story. Just like Alex said.

 

After watching all five episodes, there are some clear trends that shine through. Let’s get the most obvious thing out of the way now. There’s tons of swearing. Like fucking tons. This is why Hard Knocks is on HBO, they are the only ones that can air what these guys actually say. And it’s a lot of not-safe-for-work shit but that’s how pro football is. It can be a little shocking, even for me, who curses like a mother fucking sailor. So be warned. Earmuffs.

 

 

After the crazy swearing, the next standout is that Jeff Fisher and his staff are total dicks. But especially Jeff. Every time he talks I just hate him more. He speaks down to everyone and acts like such hot shit. I hate his hair cut but begrudgingly respect his mustache. For a coach with a career record of 170-156-1 who hasn’t been to the playoffs since 2008, he sure walks around training camp with some Hall of Fame swagger. Fake it till you make it, I guess. To be fair, he seems to be genuine when he cuts players from the team but everything else still applies.

 

In episode three, Mike Singletary makes a visit. He is awesome. Super intense but completely purposeful. You can tell why he was a great player. His tenacity is clear as day. That’s how you are supposed to coach.

 

Rookie QB and first overall pick in the 2016 draft, Jared Goff, looks to have a solid arm but the Cal product is kind of a dummy. In one episode, it is revealed that Goff doesn’t know what direction the sun rises and sets. That’s insane. It’s not like the sun is some regional thing. Goff is currently second in the depth chart behind Case Keenum. Maybe the rook will take over at some point but it will be because of his play making, not his brains.

 

Speaking of smarts. Defensive End, Will Hayes, doesn’t believe dinosaurs existed. Even when confronted with fossils and dinosaur bones. It all goes down in episode four when Hayes visits super fun looking museum called Dino Quest.

 

 

Todd Gurley likes to talk. The running back phenom is entering his sophomore season and is looking to build off his breakout performance last year. I knew the dude can ball but man, does he like to talk trash. It’s awesome. His mouth has a motor just like his legs. Gurley doesn’t even need to be on the field. He is easily the most exciting character the franchise has. As both a player and a personality.

 

Other great highlights include the big brawl in practice that HBO captures in beautiful slow-mo. Some of guys drive a golf cart to the In-N-Out drive thru. The spelling bee. And the heart break of the last round of cuts in episode five.

 

Hard Knocks kicked butt like it always does. It did its job. It got me all amped for the start of real NFL games. As a team, Los Angeles, possess some nice pieces. Beyond Gurley, they have offensive weapons in Tavon Austin and Kenny Britt, plus the defense is loaded with studs like Aaron Donald, Robert Quinn and Alec Ogletree. The NFC West is a pretty tough division so I don’t expect the Rams to surpass either Seattle or Arizona but who knows. HBO makes me think anything is possible.

 

Sorry St. Louis.

 

 


What are the Eagles doing?

Written by :
Published on : April 21, 2016

 

Normally this is a relatively quiet time of year for the NFL. We are a week away from the 2016 NFL Draft, and usually the biggest news around the league is about teams beginning their offseason training programs. But not this year. GMs around the league have determined to make 2016 an exciting one for the NFL, even when there aren’t any games being played.

 

The Rams got the party started last week when they traded up to get the number-one pick in the 2016 NFL Draft from the Tennessee Titans. In addition to the top pick, the Rams got a fourth-round pick and a sixth-round pick but it didn’t come cheap. In return, the Titans got the Rams’ 15th overall pick, two second-round picks and a third round pick this year. The Rams also gave up a first-round and third-round pick in next year’s draft. That’s a lot of stuff to give up in order to move up and get a quarterback who isn’t a consensus stud, whoever it might be. But I get it. It’s their first year in Los Angeles and they’re looking to make a splash. Add in the fact that Jeff Fischer is just about the most uninspiring coach in the league and is on his way out if they don’t win more than seven games this year, and it’s easy to see why the Rams are so desperate for a QB not named Case Keenum or Nick Foles.

 

But what excuse do the Eagles have for making such a ridiculous trade yesterday? If you ask me they don’t have one. This seems like a really bad trade all around. The Eagles moved up to 2nd overall pick in the draft by giving the Browns their 8th overall pick in the first-round, a third-round pick and a fourth-round pick in this year’s draft, a first-round pick next year and a second-round pick in 2018. The Browns also sent the Eagles a fourth-round pick for next year. That is an enormous amount to give up for one of two quarterbacks who they are so indifferent about that they don’t really care which of the two falls to them. Oh yea, they also just gave Sam Bradford a two-year, $35 million dollar contract this offseason, and a three-year, $21 million dollar contract to Chase Daniel! How does that make any sense?

 

 The face of a genius.

 

The Eagles roster has been ravaged by three years under the mad scientist, Chip Kelly. His great experiment involved shipping off all of the Philadelphia Eagles’ most talented players and leaving the team with holes all over the field. Sounds like a fun game right? Not if you’re an Eagles fan. I suspect that Chip Kelly has always been a secret Giants’ fan and his entire strategy was to ruin the team. If that’s true then his mission was very successfully accomplished. It was on his watch that the Eagles lost, in one way or another, DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin and LeSean McCoy. Most coaches would kill to have those kind of players scoring touchdowns for them, but not Kelly. And that’s why he is gone, off to San Francisco where the talent pool can’t possibly get any worse under him.

 

So with holes all over the field, the Eagles decided to give up a stable of picks to move up six spots and draft someone who might, one day, maybe be a decent quarterback in the NFL. Smooth move. What the team should be doing is using all of those draft picks to build their franchise the right way and fill as many holes as they can this year. Add to that the fact that Sam Bradford is now reportedly super pissed about being lied to by management and this whole thing looks like it’s going to get a little messy over the next season or so. Good thing my Lions get to play them this year!

 

 


LA Rams are just the kind of exciting story ‘Hard Knocks’ needs

Written by :
Published on : March 28, 2016

 

The newest season of HBO’s Hard Knocks will feature the LA Rams, and if you ask me, it’s just the kind of exciting storyline that the show desperately needs. Since its debut in 2001, the award winning series has given fans an inside look at NFL training camp. By following a different team every season, Hard Knocks gives those on the outside a chance to see what the life in the big leagues is like for players, coaches and their families.

 

While I personally enjoyed last season’s show, which covered the Houston Texans, I think it was more driven by some of the stronger personalities in the organization. The format of the show itself has gotten somewhat tired and with the absence of particularly compelling characters, it can be hard to watch (see Falcons in 2014). That’s why the Rams moving to LA this offseason is one of the best things that could happen.

 

 

The last time a NFL team moved cities was when the Houston Oilers moved to Tennessee (they later changed the name to the Titans) in 1997. We, as fans, have never had a chance to see what such a colossal undertaking entails. From all the players and coaching relocating their families, to the team needing to find new facilities, there’s an endless amount of fresh ideas for the new season of Hard Knocks that should prove for some very interesting television. Hopefully the stress and tension of the move leads to some exciting training camp fights. I can just see Nick Foles angrily tackling Case Keenum to the ground as he begins to fear for his job.

 

I’m not sure Jeff Fisher will be as entertaining as Bill O’Brien was last year but there will be a battle for the starting QB position which is always exciting. Fans will have a chance to get to know some absolutely electric players who they might not yet be that familiar with. Todd Gurley and Aaron Donald are the young, rising stars to keep your eyes on.

 

 

Hard Knocks can be kind of a crap shoot. I’ve seen some great seasons and some utterly boring ones. But this year should be a big hit no matter what. With the dynamic of a team moving to a new city there is something seriously wrong if this year isn’t entertaining from start to finish. If this one sucks then maybe it’s time to stop doing the show altogether.

 

I’ll always be a die hard Lions fan but being an LA resident means that I probably have some sort of stake in how the Rams do. This will be my first chance to meet the new team in town, they better not disappoint.

 

 

 


NFL Quarterbacks who just got Paid

Written by :
Published on : March 20, 2016

 

 

Boy, oh boy, it’s a good time to be an NFL quarterback. It feels like almost every team is looking for a starter and is willing to pay handsomely for one. The apparent lack of quality arms has seen some teams shell out huge contracts for players who are mostly backups. And speaking of backups, you need one of those too. You can’t build a great team without at least preparing for the idea that your star QB may get hurt. Plan accordingly and that injury may not sink your playoff hopes.

 

Below are not the quarterback elite. That’s the whole thing about this. We understand when Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers gets a fat extension but some organizations are so desperate that they will sink their fortunes in someone a little less proven. Let’s take a look at some the big money deals that have been inked so far:

 

Case Keenum

 

The Los Angeles Rams got him for 1 year/$3.6 million. He is supposed to start. I don’t know much about him. I know I don’t want him on my team, holding the ball every play. Not a great beginning for the LA franchise. Maybe they can still go out and sign someone. What is Tim Tebow doing?

 

Sam Bradford

The Philadelphia Eagles gave Sam a 2 year/$35 million deal. With $22 million of it in guaranteed money, including a $11 million signing bonus. This guy has never played well or stayed healthy for a full season. But teams keeping thinking he can be the guy. Maybe he can. Probably not. He is becoming the new Matt Flynn.

 

Brock Osweiler

 

You know, Peyton’s backup. Oh yeah, the Houston Texans gave him a 4 year/$72 million contract with $37 million guaranteed. Part of that $37 is a $12 million signing bonus. Not bad for a guy who just won a Super Bowl ring for holding a clipboard. I’m being mean, Brock could become a great player. The only problem is we just don’t know yet but that contact says differently. For example, Joe Flacco, who has won the Super Bowl for his Baltimore Ravens just signed for 3 years/$66.4 million. Flacco is a proven commodity. Osweiler is not, even if he is 6’8”.

 

Mark Sanchez

With Peyton Manning retiring and Brock Osweiler moving to Houston, the Denver Broncos needed to do something. They picked up the phone, called Detroit and asked about Mathew Stafford. The Fords just laughed and hung up. So Denver got the next best thing: Mark Sanchez! I’m kidding. It’s an insult to Stafford that I mention him in the same breath as Sanchez. Both were drafted in first round of 2009. Matt 1st overall and Mark 5th and that’s where the similarities end. Denver acquired Sanchez through a trade with the Eagles for a draft pick. Last year Sanchez signed 2 year/$9 million deal. Denver will pay him $4.5 million this year. So Sanchez didn’t exactly just get paid but if he plays decently then another sizable contract is coming his way.

 

Kirk Cousins

 

Cousins played great in the second half of last season but Washington still wasn’t sold enough to give him a multi year deal. Instead, they slapped him with the franchise tag which will net Kirk around $19.7 million for the year. If he performs well in 2016, then he can expect a massive contact.

 

 

There are still quite a few teams that need quarterbacks. Browns, Niners and the Jets all come to mind. Will RGIII and Colin Kaepernick find new homes? Maybe Brett Farve will come out of retirement? Only time will tell. The only thing we know for sure is these signal callers are ballers with the checks they cash. And from the looks of it, the money train isn’t slowing down. Damn, is it too late to switch majors?

 

Cha-ching.

 

Contract info from spotrac.com


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