Obama and Basketball

Written by :
Published on : May 12, 2016

 

 

Next year, we will have a new Commander in Chief. Who knows who that will be? Fingers crossed it’s someone not crazy. But as we get ready to say goodbye to President Barack Obama, let’s take a second to recognize him not for his politics but for his love of the game of basketball. Everyone knows Barry-O likes to ball. His passion for sports is truly endearing and makes him seem totally down to earth. This is Obama the Baller.

 

One of my favorite modern traditions in sports is that Obama fills out an NCAA Bracket live on ESPN each year for both the Men’s and Women’s tourney. He talks out his answers for each round. It’s incredible. He is funny and charming (duh) but more importantly, he knows the teams well. I’m always impressed at how much info he has on each squad. He is quick to admit that he wishes he could watch more and that he makes choices based on coaches and programs he likes, but still. This dude is epic busy but somehow stays more current on college basketball than most people I know. Maybe his people give him updated reports on the Big Ten and the ACC daily? Either way, he is informed and any fan can appreciate that.

 

obama ball 2

 

Barack regularly plays basketball. This is the best way to show what you are into. Go out there and start sweating. Obama has some game. He passes well and has good court vision. His jumper is effective and he always gets back on defense. More of a pass-first player. Some words of advice if you are playing against Obama. First, make him go right. He is a lefty. Also, don’t foul him. If you go in for a hard block then expect Secret Service to take you out. And you get Secret Service protection for life so don’t ever foul him.

 

Many different Presidents have left their athletic thumbprint on history. 1869, Grant invites members of the Cincinnati Red Stocking to the White House. Gerald Ford played football at Michigan and helped them go undefeated and win national titles in 1932 and 1933. In 1942, FDR famously responded to the commissioner of baseball, saying to keep the league going despite the war. 1947, the White House added a bowling alley but Truman wasn’t much of a bowler. In 1969, Nixon and the first Lady built a new bowling alley. They were big fans. And now we have Obama and basketball.

 

nixon bowling

 

Hey Nixon! Your foot is over the line. That’s a fault. Mark it zero dude. Sorry. Our next President has some big Jordans to fill. I don’t think they will be a hoops fan but I hope there is some sport they are passionate about. It’s a good way to get to know someone better. When I see a celeb a courtside it makes me think they are just like me but with money for better seats. We are all just fans. It’s a humbling concept. Even the the leader of the free world gets excited meeting Steph Curry. I sleep better at night knowing that.

 

 

We’re going to miss you Barack Obama. One of the best point guards this country has ever had. With your new free time, I hope you get to watch all the basketball your heart desires. And if, for some crazy reason, you are reading this then I challenge you to a game of H-O-R-S-E anywhere in the world. Also, I will need a ride. So maybe next time you are in Los Angeles. Okay, love you, bye.

 

Ballin.

 

 


SBS Guide to Bowling

Written by :
Published on : January 25, 2016

 

 

Bowling rules. Where else can overweight midwesterners truly shine? Besides in sausage eating contests and saying please and thank you. So let’s hope it’s not a league night as we get into this ScoreBoredSports Guide to Bowling. AKA American’s REAL favorite past time. I mean President Harry Truman added a bowling alley to the West Wing back in 1947.

 

Before we can sit down and pick our hilarious name for the score sheet, we need to handle some business. First, we need to rent shoes, unless you own your own. In that case, you should stop reading because you are a bowling superfan and you probably have your own ball. Okay, you got your shoes, now you need beer. I suggest pitchers so you don’t have to keep going back to the bar. Pro tip, when the pitcher is empty make the loser of the next frame buy the next round. Also, many bowling alleys offer pricing by game or by hour. Hour seems like you can rush and get more in but that is rarely the case. Go by the game, take your time, screw around and have a blast.

 

 

The ball. Local lanes have many options. Most important thing when picking a public use rock is the finger hole fit. You want a ball that you can grip comfortably. Next, look for the weight. Nothing too light but not crazy heavy either, you want to be able to whip that sucker. But you want some heft to balance out your shaky hand motions. And don’t ignore the color. I go for pink or any bright/sexy color.

 

Choose your order and punch your handles into the lane computer. Old machines only allow three letters so stick with classics: POO, ASS, WTF, LOL, FUK, you get it. If you are lucky enough to have a modern rig that will allow full artistic license then please get creative. I normally call myself something like “Baby” or go with Top Gun reference. If you are at a location that doesn’t have any computer and you are forced to score your own game then bravo, you picked a dope place to roll. Scoring by hand isn’t crazy hard but it takes some explaining and I don’t want to get too technical. The major thing to remember is that a strike is worth 20 and affects the next two frames. Spares are worth 10 and affect the next frame. You get a bonus for getting a mark in consecutive frames.

 

 

Alright, we got our shoes, ball, beer and nickname. Time to roll. Make sure to follow through after you throw. Leave that hand out there, like an NBA three point specialist. When playing with amateurs, your second shot becomes the most important. The player who can pick up the most spares will win. Obviously, you want to knock them all down in one shot but that’s not how it goes if you aren’t a regular. If you are lucky enough to get a strike make sure you have a good dance or fist pump ready to go. Turn to your friends and give them the old DX Suck it.

 

 

Honestly, that’s all the advice you need. Bowling is fun. It’s throwing stuff at other stuff. Our base human instinct loves this. Keep the frames flowing ’til your wrist hurts. If for some reason you aren’t having a great time then go to the bar, get a mixed drink and some quarters and enjoy any number of games the alley surely has. Darts, pool, arcade, claw machine. Don’t forget to order some food too. Maybe nachos.

 

Some quote from The Big Lebowski.

 

 


Playing sports after 30

Written by :
Published on : November 23, 2015

 

 

If you are like me, then you are old now. I love sports but I can’t play them like I could when I was 18. So now I have to pick my battles. Here is a little advice on how to keep rocking in the free world AKA playing sports after 30.

 

1. Stay away from traps

If you can’t ball then don’t go down to the court. Don’t put shorts on and drive all the way down there to pretend like you can keep up. I’m not saying you can never hoop again, I’m just saying not with these people. Maybe pop-shot basketball at the fair or arcade is more your speed. Or balled pieces of paper and your office trash can. Whatever, just don’t set yourself up for failure. If your friend plays racquetball and asks you to come play racquetball, you say no. You suck at racquetball. And your friend is good at racquetball. Fuck that.

 

Gotta love a sport with goggles

 

2. Find your groove

Pick a low impact game where they serve drinks: darts, pool, golden tee, real golf, bowling. Something that you can age into. You don’t need to be too mobile to play any of these and it still makes you look like an athlete (kinda). ¬†Also, you can always leverage your skill in these games into gambling good times. “If I pick up this spare you buy the next round” sounds like it’s paying off already.

If for some weird reason you are not bad at everything then please stop reading. I don’t think that’s fair to anyone. I mean you already have everything. You need my jokes too?

Okay, I think they are gone. Anyway. You don’t need to be good at everything anymore. Just pick one thing. That’s your thing now. No one expects you to be good at more than one. And if you are good at more than one then I think I already told you to leave.

Find the activity you really dig and get into it. But please stop pretending that you rock climb or want to play adult dodge ball. You like cycling or whatever. Just admit it.

 

3. Stretch

Do it. It will help. I get that it is maybe embarrassing to do in public. Hide, get it done. This should be a no-brainer.

 

Reach!

 

4. Shut up about it

No one cares. Shut up. If you find someone who exactly likes your same shit, then perfect. But assume everyone hates it. Don’t be ashamed just shut up about it. If it comes up, try and play it cool, for once. You’re 30 or older. Everyone makes fun of crossfit believers because they are constantly talking about how awesome it is. Like some kind of fitness cult. That’s what you sound like with whatever yoga or surfing garbage you love.

Another reason to play it cool is because if your hidden batting cage prowess is revealed naturally then you will be a legend in that moment. But not if everyone knows you hit the cages three times a week. So shut up about it. Rule of thumb: never say anything until someone good looking brings it up first.

 

 

So that’s it. Remember to stay active and I don’t mean the gym. Toss the football around, hallway hockey, something with a kayak. Have fun. Be safe. And don’t take too many pictures.

 

 


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