Time for a liquor makeover. Let’s combine my two favorite things: drinking and football to create a league where each team is inspired by some of our favorite spirits or something out of the world of strong cocktails and divey bars. This is Boozeball. Cheers.
The Chicago Beers
This one is pretty obvious and a good place to start. Beer is also a nice way to start a long night of drinking. So crack one open Chicago.
The Vodka-soda Vikings
Light, crisp and refreshing. Serve with a lime wedge. I’d love to see a viking hold one of these, instantly takes the scariness away. Ordering this in Minnesota may lead to folks asking you if you’re on a diet.
The Green Bay Puckers
Nothing screams underage drinking like some green apple flavored Pucker. Quick, let’s take another shot before your mom comes home.
The Detroit Long Islands
The motor city can be a tough place to live sometimes. So you need a stiff drink to level the playing field. Enter the long island ice tea, the quickest way to tell the bartender that you suck and know nothing about cocktails and are only here to get smashed.
The Washington Wineskins
Ever chug shiraz out of a sheep’s bladder? Or zinfindel out of a pig’s stomach? Are you a character on Game of Thrones? If you said yes to any of these questions, then welcome to Washington, you wino.
The New York Gimlets
Talk about sophistication. Well, it sounds highfalutin but it’s really just all liquor with a splash of sweetened lime juice. For sure sounds better than asking for “I’ll have a glass of cold vodka please.”
The Dallas Cosmos
Behold the Cosmo. Made famous by Sex in the City and made poorly by bar crews of chain restaurants. Don’t be fooled by the color, this is a martini. That means it’s strong. Give me two and I’ll start dancing. Music or not.
The Phila-my-drink-up Eagles
Even their name is a demand. Relax Philly. Why so angry all the time? Have a drink, chill and promise not to start any fights. Just once.
The New Orleans St. Germains
Classy town, classy spirit. Perfect pair. NOLA is in the elite class when it comes to cities with high blood alcohol level. If you haven’t been then you aren’t a real boozer.
The Carolina Pappy Van Winkle’s
Yall don’t know Pappy? It’s only some of the most sought after bourbon in the world. But just because it costs a little extra doesn’t mean it isn’t legit. Pappy will put you on your ass.
The Mount Gay Buccaneers
Jokes about the name are super lame. Excellent quality, goes great in fruity cocktails or can be simply enjoyed on the rocks with maybe a splash of your favorite mixer.
The Absinthe Falcons
A few tastes of the green fairy and you’ll be flying falcon-high. A few more tastes and your true self emerges. Are you and your roommates ready for that?
The Arizona Cordials
A little syrupy, a little sweet, but it’s not a crafty cocktail without one cordial. They come in all manner or flavors from fruit to flowers to worst tasting flowers.
The Seattle Sake-Bombs
Drop shots anyone? Nothing like getting smashed at the sushi bar. Raw fish, rice wine and beer. The Japanese Three Tenors. I just made that up. Don’t try and use it like it’s a thing.
The San Francisco 40-ouncers
Lift the bottle and twist the cap. The key to enjoying a nice 40 is to drink it quickly. Your hand is going to heat up that beer and the last third of warm malt liquor is going to be rough. Chug-a-lug.
The Los Angeles Pimms
High end craft cocktails from a certifiable mixologist sounds pretty LA to me. Pimms is famously used in the drink Pimm’s cup. It’s like British sangria but made with a liqueur base. Oh and there’s cucumbers. Cause British.
The New England Patron Shots
Both New England and Patron think they are the best. Top shelf for sure, but I’m not ready to crown anyone all-time champs. So cool it. Then strain it and shoot it.
The New York Jeppson’s
I understand Jeppson’s Malort is a Chicago thing but it embodies the New York Jets so well. Both are awful and leave a terrible taste in your mouth. But true fans will never admit it sucks.
The Mia Tai Dolphins
Something breezy and tropical for South Beach. The key to a good Mai Tai is having the right stuff. Use good rum. Both gold and light varieties. And you are going to need orgeat and orange Curacao. One sip and you’ll forget you’re stuck in Florida.
The Buffalo Stills
In the frozen backwoods of New York, a strong spirit is being made in secret. A potent drink that’ll put hair on your chest. The Buffalo Stills is a tip of the cap to all the bootleggers out there. Plus moonshine fits the Bills football personality, not pretty but gets the job done.
The Pittsburgh Sizzurps
Codeine cough syrup, soda (Sprite, Grape, Mountain Dew work best), vodka and your favorite Jolly Rancher over ice in a styrofoam cup. But watch out, this is now drugs AND alcohol, so use caution unless you’re a pro.
The Sippers-of-Nati Bengals
For those of us who aren’t scumbags, “Nati” is short for Natural Light. A terrible beer that normally runs $10-15 a case. It’s piss-water college kids drink at frat parties. Tip em back Cincinnati!
The Cleveland Black and Tans
Brown is so drab and they never won with it so it’s time to mix it up with a cocktail that uses two draft beers. You need a light beer, normally a pale ale, often made with Bass or Harp. Then you add the stout or Guinness. Poor slowly over the back of the spoon so the heavier stout can settle in nicely.
The Bottle-Service Ravens
VIP right this way. Bottle service at the club can be fun if you don’t mind dropping $500 for a fifth of Grey Goose and two sugar-free Red Bulls. Just make sure you aren’t partying with any actual NFL players because those stories always seem to end poorly. Hey look, it’s Ray Lewis.
The Sambuca Chargers
Sambuca tastes like if black licorice and gasoline opened a bed and breakfast and then someone set it on fire, in your mouth. Wow, that was poetic. I should become a sommelier.
The Denver Bron-Coors
Tap the rockies, but wait for the mountains to turn blue or else you’ll get an STD. It’s something like that. This is such a matchy-matchy match that I almost didn’t put it, but this list is long and I want to be done already.
The Oakland Rumple Minze
I think this ad speaks for itself.
The Kansas City Cristals
Everyone knows Cristal. The gold labeled champagne from the music videos. Clear bottle, comes wrapped in cellophane. Tastes pretty good. Great for special occasions because it let’s everyone around you know that you’re celebrating.
The Jack-n-coke Jaguars
I wonder how many jack-n-cokes they sell at each Jaguars home game? It has to be over 1,000. And probably only like 4 different customers ordered them. But folks who drink j-n-c, love that shit.
The Indianapolis Colt 45’s
Straight up, this is cooler than the Colts current logo. They should change it and maybe get Billy Dee Williams to play quarterback. Colt 45, works every time.
The Houston Tecates
Mexican beer in Texas? Loco right? Wrong. Having two teams in the state isn’t a problem but they both identify with the same stuff. Time for Houston to embrace their neighbors to the south. Plus it’s a super drinkable beer. Just make sure it’s ice cold. Limes optional.
The Hennessy Titans
That name is classy AF. Sounds like a rap group from the south. No hiding that I think this is the best one of the whole group. I wish this was real so I could buy the jersey and wear it to jury duty.
That’s it for Boozeball. Got a great name for a sauced squad? Drop-shot that bad-boy in the comments so we can all take a sip. Until next time.
Blitzed on Schlitz.