Boozeball: An Alcoholic Reimagining of the NFL

Written by :
Published on : December 6, 2016

 

 

Time for a liquor makeover. Let’s combine my two favorite things: drinking and football to create a league where each team is inspired by some of our favorite spirits or something out of the world of strong cocktails and divey bars. This is Boozeball. Cheers.

 

The Chicago Beers

This one is pretty obvious and a good place to start. Beer is also a nice way to start a long night of drinking. So crack one open Chicago.

 

The Vodka-soda Vikings

Light, crisp and refreshing. Serve with a lime wedge. I’d love to see a viking hold one of these, instantly takes the scariness away. Ordering this in Minnesota may lead to folks asking you if you’re on a diet.

 

The Green Bay Puckers

Pucker

 

Nothing screams underage drinking like some green apple flavored Pucker. Quick, let’s take another shot before your mom comes home.

 

The Detroit Long Islands

The motor city can be a tough place to live sometimes. So you need a stiff drink to level the playing field. Enter the long island ice tea, the quickest way to tell the bartender that you suck and know nothing about cocktails and are only here to get smashed.

 

The Washington Wineskins

Ever chug shiraz out of a sheep’s bladder? Or zinfindel out of a pig’s stomach? Are you a character on Game of Thrones? If you said yes to any of these questions, then welcome to Washington, you wino.

 

The New York Gimlets

Talk about sophistication. Well, it sounds highfalutin but it’s really just all liquor with a splash of sweetened lime juice. For sure sounds better than asking for “I’ll have a glass of cold vodka please.”

 

The Dallas Cosmos

cosmo

 

Behold the Cosmo. Made famous by Sex in the City and made poorly by bar crews of chain restaurants. Don’t be fooled by the color, this is a martini. That means it’s strong. Give me two and I’ll start dancing. Music or not.

 

The Phila-my-drink-up Eagles

Even their name is a demand. Relax Philly. Why so angry all the time? Have a drink, chill and promise not to start any fights. Just once.

 

The New Orleans St. Germains

Classy town, classy spirit. Perfect pair. NOLA is in the elite class when it comes to cities with high blood alcohol level. If you haven’t been then you aren’t a real boozer.

 

The Carolina Pappy Van Winkle’s

Yall don’t know Pappy? It’s only some of the most sought after bourbon in the world. But just because it costs a little extra doesn’t mean it isn’t legit. Pappy will put you on your ass.

 

The Mount Gay Buccaneers

mount gay rum

 

Jokes about the name are super lame. Excellent quality, goes great in fruity cocktails or can be simply enjoyed on the rocks with maybe a splash of your favorite mixer.

 

The Absinthe Falcons

A few tastes of the green fairy and you’ll be flying falcon-high. A few more tastes and your true self emerges. Are you and your roommates ready for that?

 

The Arizona Cordials

A little syrupy, a little sweet, but it’s not a crafty cocktail without one cordial. They come in all manner or flavors from fruit to flowers to worst tasting flowers.

 

The Seattle Sake-Bombs

Drop shots anyone? Nothing like getting smashed at the sushi bar. Raw fish, rice wine and beer. The Japanese Three Tenors. I just made that up. Don’t try and use it like it’s a thing.

 

The San Francisco 40-ouncers

Olde English 40 oz

 

Lift the bottle and twist the cap. The key to enjoying a nice 40 is to drink it quickly. Your hand is going to heat up that beer and the last third of warm malt liquor is going to be rough. Chug-a-lug.

 

The Los Angeles Pimms

High end craft cocktails from a certifiable mixologist sounds pretty LA to me. Pimms is famously used in the drink Pimm’s cup. It’s like British sangria but made with a liqueur base. Oh and there’s cucumbers. Cause British.

 

The New England Patron Shots

Both New England and Patron think they are the best. Top shelf for sure, but I’m not ready to crown anyone all-time champs. So cool it. Then strain it and shoot it.

 

The New York Jeppson’s

I understand Jeppson’s Malort is a Chicago thing but it embodies the New York Jets so well. Both are awful and leave a terrible taste in your mouth. But true fans will never admit it sucks.

 

The Mia Tai Dolphins

mai tai 1

 

Something breezy and tropical for South Beach. The key to a good Mai Tai is having the right stuff. Use good rum. Both gold and light varieties. And you are going to need orgeat and orange Curacao. One sip and you’ll forget you’re stuck in Florida.

 

The Buffalo Stills

In the frozen backwoods of New York, a strong spirit is being made in secret. A potent drink that’ll put hair on your chest. The Buffalo Stills is a tip of the cap to all the bootleggers out there. Plus moonshine fits the Bills football personality, not pretty but gets the job done.

 

The Pittsburgh Sizzurps

Codeine cough syrup, soda (Sprite, Grape, Mountain Dew work best), vodka and your favorite Jolly Rancher over ice in a styrofoam cup. But watch out, this is now drugs AND alcohol, so use caution unless you’re a pro.

 

The Sippers-of-Nati Bengals

For those of us who aren’t scumbags, “Nati” is short for Natural Light. A terrible beer that normally runs $10-15 a case. It’s piss-water college kids drink at frat parties. Tip em back Cincinnati!

 

The Cleveland Black and Tans

Black and Tan

 

Brown is so drab and they never won with it so it’s time to mix it up with a cocktail that uses two draft beers. You need a light beer, normally a pale ale, often made with Bass or Harp. Then you add the stout or Guinness. Poor slowly over the back of the spoon so the heavier stout can settle in nicely.

 

The Bottle-Service Ravens

VIP right this way. Bottle service at the club can be fun if you don’t mind dropping $500 for a fifth of Grey Goose and two sugar-free Red Bulls. Just make sure you aren’t partying with any actual NFL players because those stories always seem to end poorly. Hey look, it’s Ray Lewis.

 

The Sambuca Chargers

Sambuca tastes like if black licorice and gasoline opened a bed and breakfast and then someone set it on fire, in your mouth. Wow, that was poetic. I should become a sommelier.

 

The Denver Bron-Coors

Tap the rockies, but wait for the mountains to turn blue or else you’ll get an STD. It’s something like that. This is such a matchy-matchy match that I almost didn’t put it, but this list is long and I want to be done already.

 

The Oakland Rumple Minze

Rumple_Minze_ad

 

I think this ad speaks for itself.

 

The Kansas City Cristals

Everyone knows Cristal. The gold labeled champagne from the music videos. Clear bottle, comes wrapped in cellophane. Tastes pretty good. Great for special occasions because it let’s everyone around you know that you’re celebrating.

 

The Jack-n-coke Jaguars

I wonder how many jack-n-cokes they sell at each Jaguars home game? It has to be over 1,000. And probably only like 4 different customers ordered them. But folks who drink j-n-c, love that shit.

 

The Indianapolis Colt 45’s

Colt_45_Malt_Liquor_logo

 

Straight up, this is cooler than the Colts current logo. They should change it and maybe get Billy Dee Williams to play quarterback. Colt 45, works every time.

 

The Houston Tecates

Mexican beer in Texas? Loco right? Wrong. Having two teams in the state isn’t a problem but they both identify with the same stuff. Time for Houston to embrace their neighbors to the south. Plus it’s a super drinkable beer. Just make sure it’s ice cold. Limes optional.

 

The Hennessy Titans

That name is classy AF. Sounds like a rap group from the south. No hiding that I think this is the best one of the whole group. I wish this was real so I could buy the jersey and wear it to jury duty.

 

 

That’s it for Boozeball. Got a great name for a sauced squad? Drop-shot that bad-boy in the comments so we can all take a sip. Until next time.

 

Blitzed on Schlitz.

 

 


SBS Guide to: Enjoying a Viewing Party as a Non-Sports Fan

Written by :
Published on : September 11, 2016

 

So you’ve been invited over to watch The Game, but you’re not a sports fan. Don’t worry, you can still have a great time at a sports party if you’re not a fan. If you understand the rules. Like whatever match you’re about to watch, the sport of watching sports has points, rules, fouls, even penalties so egregious that you could be tossed out for them. But don’t worry, we’ve got the rulebook you’re looking for.

 

First of all, show up at least a half hour before game time so you can get to know everyone. And so you can get some nachos before they’re gone. Also because there will be no pleasantries exchanged once the game has started. Don’t take this personally. It’s not you, it’s game frenzy; a condition that creates tunnel vision and removes personal volume control. Remember: you’re at a game party with a bunch of sports fans. You’re hanging out with them, and it’s their rules.

 

Secondly, remember your basic p’s and q’s and bring something to the party. This tells everyone that even if you’re not a fan, you’re there to have a good time. Don’t be all Guy Fieri about it either; you can never go wrong with (at least) 12 cans of domestic beer or several bags of potato chips. Or both. That’s a great first impression.

 

american-beers

 

While getting to know everyone, it’s very important that you don’t pretend to be an expert. Resist the urge to parrot somebody else’s soundbite or headline as your own opinion. Especially if you’re unfamiliar with the loyalties of The House. (Defined by the host and usually two to three of their loudest friends; every House has it’s own specific opinion on the hometeam, as unique as a fingerprint and sensitive as a hair-trigger.) So if you recycle some sport writer’s opinion that the new quarterback is gonna “tie the room together” and the House thinks he’s an overpaid bum, now you’ve branded yourself against the House. Fact: among the fiercely loyal, there are no casual opinions. Don’t make any statements you’re not willing to fight for.

 

The flipside of this is don’t ask too many questions. Nothing annoys a fan quicker than having to explain everything. This isn’t a classroom, it’s the war room. You don’t know the rules? Google it. If you’re genuinely confused about something during gameplay, okay then you can ask. But only adorable kids, old people and girls with big boobs get to ask “which color are we rooting for?” Dig?

 

If the House’s team is playing well or winning handily, then spirits will be high. High fives will fly. Nachos will get destroyed. All you need to do then is follow the cardinal rule of sports watching and never disrupt the viewing of the game. Do not block anyone’s view. Don’t beg for attention during the game. Texting is fine, phone calls are not. Conversation is for commercials. And if you’re getting up for another beer, always ask the room who wants another. That’s just polite.

 

150812_EM_NFLTVFree

 

If the House team is struggling with the lead or starting to lose, things get trickier. Fact: one cannot soar to high highs without also falling to low lows, and if the House team begins to lose you’re going to feel the temperature of the room drop to a low, chilly hostility. When the cheers turn to jeers, your best bet is to go with the flow. Everyone’s angry? Then you’re angry too. That ref made a stupid call? He’s a fucking moron. The new quarterback isn’t playing well? Send him back to Jacksonville. The host just kicked a hole in his wall? Smash that beer bottle over your head.

 

If the House’s team is losing terribly, then your job becomes keep your head down and don’t draw attention to yourself. Many sports fans are superstitious by nature, and even the most level-headed person can be thrown off by high emotions and a few gallons of beer. Anything can and will be blamed for the team’s performance, including the outcome of the coin toss or the attendance of a non-fan at the party. Fact: you do not want a roomful of angry sports fans blaming you for their misery. That’s a lot like being the dinner guest at the end of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. If that happens, run. But don’t worry, it probably won’t.

 

When the game is over, don’t leave too quickly. Take a few minutes to celebrate or commiserate with the group. Offer to clean up a little. If you have to drive, make sure that you’re sober. But don’t hang out too long, and especially if it’s during football season, do not stay for another game. An entire day spent watching sports may sound enjoyable, but it’s really for die-hards only. The non-sports fan will eventually lose interest and want to move on with their day. Hopefully you’re sober and can leave right away when that happens. If you’re not, then you’re stuck. Overstaying your welcome risks turning a fun activity into an annoying distraction. Quit while you’re ahead and go out on top.

 

 


Atlanta Falcons slash concession prices

Written by :
Published on : May 21, 2016

 

 

We all know that a trip to the ball parks costs more than just peanuts and cracker jacks. Tickets, parking, souvenirs, and concessions can add up quick. It’s getting harder and harder to fill up these new mega arenas as the price of everything keeps trending upward. In strong markets it doesn’t seem to matter how expensive things are because there are enough people willing to fork over the loot. But what about franchises that are more or less on the bubble? Do you want to drop $200 watching your team get beat? On a weekday? I don’t think so. Something has got to give. And it did.

 

In an unprecedented move, Falcons owner and professional Walt Disney impersonator, Arthur Blank, has slashed prices drastically on all concession items at their new home, Mercedes-Benz Stadium. I had to go and fact check this ten times. I couldn’t believe it. How insanely un-capitalist of them. Blank is like an appliance store owner, starring in his own commercial, talking about how crazy he is for having such low prices. I love it. It also makes sense. The team has trouble filling their current venue, the Georgia Dome and many of the lower income seats remain empty. They hope this change in menu draws them in.

 

falcons menu 2

 

Blank and the management went back to basics of the fan experience. They recognized that yes we want choices and fancier options but that we still want value and convenience. All food and drink items are purposely rounded to the dollar (tax included) to eliminate those extra steps from the transaction. It makes the process as fast and simple as possible.

 

All sodas will come with free refills and there will be self-serve soda fountains outside the concession areas so fans can top off their own drinks without having to get in another line. Gourmet snacks will be available and their prices will coincide with this general “real world pricing” idea. The language out of the Falcons camp is that they don’t want their items to feel aggressively marked up. You buy a ticket to see a game not just to have the chance to be gouged at the concession stand.

 

falcons menu 3

 

These new, lower prices are sure to entice the locals of Atlanta. They will have their swanky new field and their cheap food. All they need now is a defense and maybe they can get back to the playoffs. Football aside, it was a good move. Democratic, even if the end goal is purely about money. It makes the Falcons organization look like they care, while giving their stadium economy a much needed spark. My hope is that this program is wildly successful and gets replicated around pro sports. Because I can just imagine how high the concession prices will be at the new Los Angeles Rams Stadium once it is completed. Can anyone say $18 beers?

 

Pass the mustard.

 

 


Roger Pretzel’s Review ‘N Brew: Wild Card Weekend

Written by :
Published on : January 13, 2016

 

 

In this little corner Roger Pretzel will review his favorite play of the week along with a thoughtful review of what beverage he was imbibing at the time.

 

 

Wild Card Weekend: The Butt Reception

 

VIDEO: HERE

 

We all remember Mark Sanchez’s infamous Thanksgiving day “Butt Fumble.” Well, be prepared to meet his overachieving little brother the “Butt Reception.”

 

Hope you all had a good Wild Card weekend. I sure did. The Texans got thumped by the Chiefs despite, J.J. Watt and Vince Wilfork trying to push their way in for a touchdown, Blair Walsh inconceivably chumped a game-losing gimme field goal, and bedlam broke out as the Bungles self-destructed in a horrific conflagration of failure.

 

During that strange, dark evening in Cincinnati there were some truly nasty head hits, Big Ben got his shoulder busted, and a couple of shameful penalties stitched up the game in the Steelers favor. Martavis Bryant’s acrobatic reception in the third was the game’s first touchdown and put a serious hurt on the trailing Bengals. Seen in broadcast the catch didn’t look particularly remarkable, but when slowed down one gets a jaw-dropping view of Bryant juggling the ball through his legs as he flips forward in order to prevent it from touching the turf.

 

It’s as good a catch as I’ve seen all year.

 

 

Wild Card Weekend: A Whole Case of Cream Ales

 photo 70991cf7-cc1d-498c-8140-cb84f77f7469_zpsluwsjjod.jpg

The first of these I ever had was Genesee Cream Ale, which is not surprising seeing as how Genny is still the biggest name in the game. Smooth, light, and damn satisfying this was a beer made for crushing can-after-can on a lazy football Sunday. As its name suggests, cream ale uses a top-fermenting yeast (making it an ale), but was designed specifically to taste like a lager, and is often chilled during the second phase of fermentation like a lager.

 

 

 photo Robin-Hood-Cream-Ale-Labels-Pittsburgh-Brewing-Company_47630-1_zpsuzxd7lbo.jpg

 

From a basic historical standpoint, cream ale came about because most early American brewers were German, and as such they popularized the motherland’s idea of a crisp, clean, and refreshing beer in this country. Ales tended to be fruitier, burlier, more challenging, more English, and sometimes cloying, so the brewers who were working with lots of ale yeasts decided to make their ales taste more like the beers that were most popular on the current market.

 

 photo beverwyck-irish-cream-36-36-flat-top-1_zpsmlv9kuxa.jpg

 

Eventually cream ale fell out of vogue when king lager completed its domination of big beer in the latter half of the 20th century, but now with the explosion of craft brewing, plenty of folks are trying their hand at this uniquely American brew style.

 

 photo dartmouth-cream-ale-label_zpsyvezzeby.jpg

 

So despite the weird sounding name, there’s nothing to fear from a chilly cream ale. Order one up and tell ‘em Roger sent you.

 

 


Roger Pretzel’s Review ‘N Brew: Week 5

Written by :
Published on : October 16, 2015

 

In this little corner Roger Pretzel will review his favorite play of the week along with a thoughtful review of what beverage he was imbibing at the time.
 
 
 
 

Week 5: Nick Foles Pops a Little Flip to Tavon Austin for a Speedy 5 Yard TD

 

VIDEO: HERE

 

The St. Louis Rams are getting really fun to watch, and I’m a sucker for any successful trick play. You don’t see many of ‘em in the NFL because defenses are generally too good at reading perceived trickery, but Green Bay gets caught here as Foles puts the lightest touch on the ball, forwarding it into the hands of an accelerating Tavon Austin. The decision to cut inside instead of pushing outside towards the pylon is a gutsy one that pays off. As the play takes off it’s simply way too late for safety Ha Ha Clinton-Dix who realizes the situation with a half-hearted tackle attempt. Unsurprisingly, the Rams couldn’t pull off a win against the behemoth that is The Pack, but they’ve snagged some good upsets so far this season and I’m definitely starting to develop a crush on them.
 

Week 5: 1989 Giacomo Conterno Barolo Cascina Francia

 photo 348923_zpst7935oh8.jpg

 

This beer is really weird for a lot of reasons. First, it’s not carbonated. Second, it’s a deep purple color. Third, it cost a couple hunney just for the one bottle. Still, I’m a journalist and it’s my job to be there for you, the reader, and experience the world so you don’t have to. No, I don’t work for Vice, but yes, I am fearless and have a certain amount of cred when it comes to alcoholic beverages. Do you feel me?

As Tavon Austin crossed the plane I pounded my first glass of Barolo. My palate was immediately assaulted with the raging scent of red fruit and violet flowers. I then enjoyed a velvety mouth-feel and texture that lingered as it traveled all the way down to my crap-factory. I grabbed a handful of crackers and smeared a generous portion of Delice de Bourgogne on them, wolfing that shit down like I was a pissed-off lumberjack at breakfast. The cheese provided a beautiful compliment the faint vanilla note I was getting from the beer.

 

 photo img_0618_zpsiq9oppyy.jpg

 

I was a little weirded out that I was supposed to drink this stuff at room temperature, but as I took a deep belt straight from the bottle, I started to appreciate the soft fruity flavor. Hell, soon enough I was feeling so warm and good that I was even laughing at those Direct TV ads with Andrew Luck mumbling in his thick caveman voice.

Even though I’m an armchair scholar in spirited beverages I’d never had anything quite like this before, so I decided it was time to get to the bottom of it and ask a real beer expert about this bottle of Barolo I had just finished. I reached out to Serge DuVernier, one of the premier tasters in the field of beers and beer offshoots. Below is a transcript of our interview.

 

 photo sergeduvernier_zpsclqbq8nh.jpg

 

Roger Pretzel: Why are the Lions so terribly bad this season? Huh? Answer me that genius… (Inaudible mumble)… Gimme another glass’a that shtuff ya jerk…(gulping noises)… Will you hold me?

Serge DuVernier: Barolo is one of Piedmont’s most well known and most appreciated wines around the globe. It ages very well and is comprised of 100% Nebbiolo.

RP: Whash Nebbiolo?

SDV: Nebbiolo is a classic Italian grape.

RP: I need to lie down. D’you wanna get shom buffalo wings? Here’s a ten shpot…

So there you have it. In my travels around the globe I’m constantly delighted to find myself learning new things everyday. This week’s fascinating takeaway is that people give grapes names. Until next week, I remain your faithful imbiber.

-Roger Pretzel

 

 


Roger Pretzel’s Review ‘n Brew: NFL Week 2

Written by :
Published on : September 24, 2015

 

 

In this little corner Roger Pretzel will review his favorite play of the week along with a thoughtful review of what beverage he was imbibing at the time.

 

 

Week 2: Chris Conte Picks-off Bad Brees Throw, Then Hands-off For Big Gain

Link for video: HERE

Verner gets some extra yards after the interception.

 

My heart breaks for Drew, but this play action toss had bad ball written all over it and was unsurprisingly picked off by Chris Conte in double coverage. The strong safety is quickly wrapped up around the ankles but gets great looks from Alterraun Verner (good Star Wars name) who gets behind Conte for the handoff. Verner then breaks tackles and weaves up the field for a 20 plus yard gain after the INT. I love it when a defensive back or safety causes a turnover then takes that slow, winding trek to get more yards as the offensive players awkwardly try and tackle him. It’s like watching a regular down in super slow motion.

 

This is the Lovie Smith defense I’ve been waiting to see outta’ the Bucs.

 

Week 2: Extra Gold Lager

 

 photo coorsextragold_large_zpsrgfxljtn.png

 

Truth be told, my taste in beer runs more towards the craft side of things than the blue-collar stuff, so sue me already. However, it’s still a lot of fun if you’re traveling, especially to more remote or rural places in America, to take in all the local shitty canned lagers. They usually look really cool and esoteric because the labels weren’t cooked up three months ago by a twenty-person team of graphic designers hired to “disrupt” the beer can paradigm. My all time favorite is Stroh’s because it used to be made in Michigan and touted that it was “fire brewed,” which just sounds hilarious and dangerous. Some other cool options are Carling Black Label and the mother of them all: Hamm’s.

 

 photo Hamms-Hamms-Beer-Can-Safe_zpsvcatvnzs.jpg

 

Back when I lived in New York I would sometimes go to these hip lofts where hip artists would throw these hip benefit concerts. I remembered I always liked going to this one spot because they sold Extra Gold out of a trashcan full of ice for a buck a pop. It didn’t really matter what was playing, even if it was electroclash, because I knew the Extra Gold would be plentiful and cheap, and I could never seem to find it anywhere else. The beer itself is really sweet and smooth, almost like Genesee Cream Ale, but not quite as cloying. Hops? Forget it. Balance? Forget it? Malt? You bet’cha.

 

Yup, drinking one or eight of these is a great way to take the sting out of watching the Lions lose to the goddamned Vikings as poor Stafford is drilled into the ground over and over again…

 

Until next time, I’ll be crying in my beer.

 


Roger Pretzel’s Review ‘N Brew: NFL Week 1

Written by :
Published on : September 18, 2015

 

 

In this little corner, Roger Pretzel reviews his favorite play of the week, as well as the beverage he was drinking at the time he watched it. Take a seat, get comfortable, and let’s replay the tape. This is Review ‘N Brew.

 

 

Week 1: Cary Williams Crashes into Nick Foles for the Sack, Fumble, and TD.

 

Link for video: HERE

 

Williams enjoying his TD

 

The ‘hawks are certainly hurting without Kam Chancellor, but if they keep that front line flying like this, they might as well let the dude sit out a few more. Cary Williams explodes off the right side, completely unguarded due to some blown coverage, sacks Foles, strips the ball, and returns it himself for the touchdown. It was a key play late in the game, and you can see how much it shook up Nick Foles as he’s slow to get up. Now if only Seattle could have kept it together for the rest of the game this would’ve been the backbreaker.

 

 

Week 1: Budweiser in a Metal Can That is Shaped Like a Bottle

 photo BudweiserAluminumBottle_zpsjjc5msuq.jpg

 

Has anyone ever drunk out of one of these things when they weren’t at a sporting event or a Kid Rock concert? Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that you’re getting a full 16 ounces, but you gotta imagine the only reason these were invented was so that Budweiser could get their marketing message across without allowing unruly humans to shatter massive amounts of glass in dangerously overcrowded venues. Still, there’s a decent amount of aluminum that goes into these things so I’d rather not have some dude in a Slipknot t-shirt chuck one at my face, especially if it was a quarter full.

 

Budweiser’s current slogan is #madeinamerica which is awesome considering they’re owned by InBev, a massive beverage conglomerate based out of Western Europe. Here’s a final fun fact for you: Budweiser is partially brewed with rice, so next time you throw back gulp after gulp of that refreshingly chilly pisswater, just remember that our most American beer is owned by Belgians and made with a grain that would make any self-respecting German brewmeister hang his head in shame.

 

Until next time…

 

 


A Loser’s Guide to Winning at Beer Pong

Written by :
Published on : September 12, 2015

 

 

Everybody’s playing beer pong these days. Your sister, your uncle, even Jimmy Fallon plays it on the regular. So why not you? Because you lose all the time? So what?

You shouldn’t let a thing like “being terrible” at beer pong prevent you from enjoying it. Believe me, I know. I’ve lost a lot of beer pong games in my life. Next time you’re about to step up to a game of Beirut, keep these pointers in mind and I guarantee you’ll have yourself a good time; win, lose or drunk.

 

RELAX

Always remember: this is a game where tossing a ball into a cup forces your opponent to drink beer. It’s ridiculous. Don’t stress yourself out about it. You’re at a party, you’re here to have fun.

 

beerpong2
Your field of battle.

 

CHOOSING YOUR PARTNER

Most people want a “good” partner, i.e. someone that “doesn’t suck.” But ideally you should choose a partner that’s at the same skill level as you. Nobody wants to carry their team*, and nobody wants to be the slouch either. An evenly-matched partner is your best bet.

I also highly recommend picking someone of the opposite sex, if possible. The roller coaster ride of emotions that will be this beer pong game is an excellent way to get to friendly with someone.

 

*Avoid anyone who tells you, “I’ll play but I don’t want to drink.” These people do not want to build a solid relationship with you as a teammate. They are only out for themselves and you deserve better than that.

 

KNOW THE RULES

Every house has different rules. Before you start, find out How Many Re-Racks You Get, When to Pull a Cup, When to Drink, Bouncing, Catching, Take Backs, etc. You’ll save yourself from losing easy shots and annoying mid-game arguments.

 

GAMEPLAY

A game is only as good as the competition. So don’t be an asshole and play to win.

Pay attention when you shoot. Set your feet, take a breath and aim for the back rim of the cup you want to hit. If you miss, re-take the same position and adjust your shot. Doing something new every time will get your nowhere. Find your form, then improve.

 

Anybody can do it. Even Broncos fans.

ABC

Always Be Confident. Drinking alcohol lowers inhibitions and confidence enhances your abilities. That means being drunk and confident is basically being a motherfuckin’ superhero. I know it seems obvious, but never underestimate the power of positive drinking.

 

INTIMIDATE

My favorite part of the game, because anything goes. Dance. Chant. Strut. Thrust. Sing Prince songs. Recite the Declaration of Independence. Do whatever the fuck you can to make your opponent miss that shot.

Also: if you’ve chosen an opposite sex partner, this is a great opportunity to bond. Trash talk together. Get a chant going. Remember: you’re both drunk at a party. Carpe dat ass.

 

LAST CUP

Always the worst. You shoot and shoot and never seem to make it. It’s fucking hard. I have no practical advice on how to sink that last cup and end the game. Nobody does, except maybe God, probably Obama. (FYI, dream beer pong opponents: Barack and Michelle. Dream teammate: Amy Schumer).

 

IAS%20S2%20-%2004-blue-tee-40oz_0357HiRes_Justin-Stephens-thumb-995xauto-91870

 

 

SHAKE HANDS

Never forget: win or lose, always do it with style. When the game is over, shake your opponent’s hand and say “good game.” Guess what? You just made a new friend. Grab another beer and have yourself a good time.

 



Support Us
Support ScoreBoredSports on patreon!

patreon-medium-button
Sponsors

Hide Error message here!

Forgot your password?

Error message here!

Error message here!

Hide Error message here!

Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link to create a new password.

Error message here!

Back to log-in

Close