Gridiron Killing Fields: Injuries have turned 2017 NFL season upside down

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Published on : November 16, 2017

 

 

Football is violent. It’s part of the allure of the game. A fast paced, highly charged game of gladiator chess where the players put their bodies through hell for the enjoyment of us all. It’s inevitable that these athletes will suffer injuries throughout the course of a grueling season. Every year, fans and players alike must deal with these injuries. The pain of injury and the hard work that goes into recovering from those injuries is something that fans can’t even imagine, but that doesn’t mean we don’t suffer too.

 

Some years are worse than others as far as injuries and 2017 has turned out to be one of, if not the most, gruesome for player injuries in the NFL on record. Players have been robbed of the opportunity to pursue their livelihood and fans have been robbed of the big plays and quality football that these players produce. These big injuries have flipped the league on it’s head and some of the most electrifying players in the NFL have been left on the sidelines. They have come early and often and left heads around the league spinning in an attempt to keep up as the body count rises. Let’s look at some of the big injuries this year.

 

The insurmountable losses

 

Aaron Rodgers
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Aaron Rodgers has once again proved himself to be the most valuable player in the NFL. Yet this year it wasn’t his actions on the field that proved that already accepted fact of life, but his (potentially) season ending collarbone injury. The subtraction of Rodgers from the Green Bay Packers changes the team in a way that can’t even begin to be described. Brett Hundley has shown some growth in his weeks as a starter in place of Rodgers, but unlike the discount double dick, Hundley, cannot single-handily mask the holes in the Packers roster. Because of that, the Packers, who still hold a winning record at this point of the season, are doomed.

 

Deshaun Watson

When the Houston Texans selected former Clemson standout and National Championship winning quarterback, Deshaun Watson, with the 12th overall pick in the 2017 NFL Draft, I thought it was a very nice pick for a franchise that has never, in its existence, had a true star under center. Little did I (or anyone else) know that Watson would hit the ground running in such a fashion. Watson appeared in 7 games for the Texans and completed 61.8% of his passes for 1,699 yards, 19 touchdowns and 8 interceptions. He also ran the ball for another 269 yards and 2 touchdowns. The Texans were finally legit and and had found their QB of the future. Then a torn ACL in practice cut the legs out from under his rookie season and along with losses of JJ Watt and Whitney Mercilus, the Texans are looking at another lost season.

 

David Johnson and Carson Palmer

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When David Johnson went down with a broken wrist early in the Arizona Cardinals opening game loss to the Detroit Lions, it was clear that the Cardinals had a long road ahead of them. Johnson is among the best young running backs in football and an invaluable part of the Cardinals offensive attack, but luckily for the Cardinals they still had an offensive mastermind of a coach and an injury to your starting running back can be overcome. When Carson Palmer went down with a broken bone in his non-throwing arm during the 33-0 loss to the LA Rams in London, it was clear that the Cardinals had careened off that long road and gone over a cliff. Without the two best offensive players and the likes of Drew Stanton throwing the ball, it is a sad reality that Bruce Arians final year as head coach of the team will be a wasted one.

 

Ouch, that hurts

 

Odell Beckham Jr
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With Eli Manning still throwing the ball this offense was never going to light the world on fire. Manning is well past his prime and no wide receiver, even one of the same caliber as Beckham was going to change that. But OBJ went down with a season ending ankle injury in week 5 everyone knew the Giants were screwed. The G-Men are now 1-8 and destined for a top pick in the 2018 NFL draft, and perhaps a new head coach. OBJ can’t come back soon enough.

 

Ryan Tannehill

Ryan Tannehill leaves a whole lot to be desired as the starting quarterback of the Miami Dolphins but he is still a starting level quarterback and the best one in Miami by a longshot. When he was lost for the season before it even began, the team got desperate and went out and signed Jay Cutler out of the broadcast booth. He has since been about as good as one would expect. Cutler has helped lead the team to a 4-5 record and Dolphins fans are eagerly awaiting any and all news on Ryan Tannehill rehab from ACL surgery.

 

Dalvin Cook and Sam Bradford

Sam Bradford was brought in last year after Teddy Bridgewater’s very serious knee injury, and he has played pretty well. But he hasn’t been able to stay on the field and Case Keenum has performed admirably in his absence. Now, more than a year later, Bridgewater’s return seems somewhat immenent and Bradford’s inability to stay on the field isn’t all that much of a concern. Much more of a concern is the injury to rookie running back, Dalvin Cook. Before he tore his ACL in the game against the Lions he was having a monster year. Luckily the Vikings defense is good enough keep them competing for the NFC North title.

 

Zach Miller
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The Chicago Bears passing game has been desperate for competent pass catchers all season. The Mike Glennon experiment failed miserably and now they have rookie Mitchel Trubisky throwing the ball. One of Trubisky’s only decent targets was tight end Zach Miller but then a gruesome injury ended his season and almost caused him to lose his leg entirely. The Bears offense is now all but doomed this season but the real tragedy is that Miller’s career may well be over. We wish him a speedy recovery.

 

Well, that’s unfortunate

 

Dont’a Hightower and Julian Edelmen

It’s the Patriots. They’ll survive.

 

Joe Thomas
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The Browns were never going to do anything this season and at this point they are in the running for an 0-16 record, but you never want to see a future hall of fame player go down with a serious injury. Especailly when he’s been so loyal to that city and been such an iron man. Prior to this tricep injury, Thomas had played a NFL-record 10,363 consecutive snaps, while playing through torn ligaments for a time and starting 167 straight games. Good on the Browns for giving him an extension even after the injury and making him the highest paid offensive linemen in the league.

 

Eric Berry

Eric Berry is, and should be, a fan favorite around the NFL. Even with Raiders fans. You can’t help but love this guy’s story and his courage as he beat cancer and came back to the NFL to regain his spot among the best safeties in pro football. That made it even more of a bummer when he ruptured his achilles tendon in week 1. He’s just 28-years-old so there’s no reason he can’t make a full recovery, but the Chiefs defense sure has missed him while he’s been gone.

 

It’s a long season, and we are only at week 11. There’s no telling how many more injuries will come before the Super Bowl. No doubt there will be some, but there has certainly already been enough to hold us all over until next here. Here’s to hoping that all of our favorite teams can make it through the rest of the year unscathed.

 

 


2017’s NFL Midseason Report

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Published on : November 8, 2017

 

 

In the immortal words of Bon Jovi: “we’re half way there“. The NFL season that is. Week 9 is in the books and the early playoff picture is starting to take shape. Already this year, we’ve seen some wild performances, brutal injuries and some interesting trades. Let’s take a few moments to do some inventory on what was happened so far. This is your 2017 NFL midseason report.

 

Everyone got hurt

There are always injuries in football, that is nothing new but the number of big profile players that have already gone down seems disproportionately high. So far this year we’ve seen major health issues for stars like: Aaron Rodgers, Odell Beckham Jr, JJ Watt, David Johnson, Julian Edelmen, Andrew Luck, Greg Olsen and Carson Palmer. That’s like one whole fantasy team. And speaking of fantasy, I owned rookie running back Dalvin Cook who was killing it for the Vikings and I until he tore something in his knee and was placed on IR. Bummers all around. By the way, this is by no means the full list of impact players who got hurt but simply the most notable ones.

 

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Wheeling and dealing

Jacoby Brissett left New England’s bench to start in Indy. Adrian Peterson moved from New Orleans crowded backfield to the feature spot in Arizona. Jimmy Garapollo dropped the Pat’s backup clipboard to take over in the San Fran rebuilding project. Wait, if both Brissett and Garapollo are gone then who will play if Brady gets hurt?

 

Then Kelvin Benjamin left Carolina and moved north to Buffalo. And Jay Ajayi departed Miami for Philly. Those guys both know their new stadiums are outdoors right? It’s about to get real cold. But all these moves are real hot.

 

Lions still give me heart issues

Detroit currently sits at 4-4 and have already had their bye week. They started 3-1 and then went 1-3. So it’s hard to say exactly how good this squad is. It’s easy to find positives and negatives on both sides. You hear that the Lions are 3-1 on the road, 2-0 in the division and they sound like they are playoff bound. Then you look at the awful rushing stats paired with the average-at-best pass rush and you think the season is going to be rough. So which is it?

 

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Who knows. The schedule lines up favorably but the Vikings are the current NFC north leaders (6-2) but Detroit beat them once already. A second win over Minnesota (on Thanksgiving!) would go a long way to setting the Lions up for a rare division crown. I can’t bring myself to predict the last 8 games but the schedule has some wins on it for sure. I pray it’s enough for a playoff ticket.

 

It feels like we wait for football all year and then it comes and just flies by. It’s slipping away already, I can feel it. As the last weeks play out and the post season picture comes into focus, my hope is we see some new teams playing in the Super Bowl. Lions vs Chiefs anyone?

 

Glass half empty kind of guy.

 

 


Waiting on Aaron Rodgers

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Published on : May 31, 2017

 

I wait tables at a diner in Los Angeles. It’s not a glamorous job but it keeps bread in my basket. It’s a tip based gig so good customer service is the name of the game. And I’d like to think that I’m pretty good at my job but it definitely wears on me from time to time. Recently, I had a night to remember. This is my story of waiting on Aaron Rodgers, star quarterback of the Green Bay Packers.

 

First, let’s set the scene. I started my shift at 9pm. It normally goes until around 2am (we close at 4am) but a funny thing happened, the other server showed up wasted and was instantly sent home. That means I’m now closing. Great. Also one of the bussers didn’t show so we were even more short staffed. Plus the kitchen didn’t prep the daily special that everyone keeps ordering. Needless to say, I was cranky pants for most of the night.

 

Around 2:30 am it happened, a group of five takes my big booth. I go get drink orders and that’s when I realize. Seat 3 is Aaron Fucking Rodgers. The cherry on top of a shit sundae of a shift. Now, I have to play nice to the one pro athlete I hate the most. What a joke. I’ve watched Aaron Rodgers single-handedly destroy my Detroit Lions for the last decade. I legit despise this guy. Don’t get me wrong, he’s real good at football, that’s why I dislike him. Because he always guts me and my team. I’d list all the terrible moments but it would just get me all worked up. So, I smile and nod, while Rodger’s buddies order oreo milkshakes. I tried to find someone on the staff who could understand my predicament but with no other football fans around, I went into the back and sent a text to Alex.

 

Aaron Rodger text message

 

Alex brought up a good point. What am I going to do with this opportunity? Spit in his food? Turn my back on my city and ask for a photo? Do nothing and stew quietly (my traditional go-to)? Or maybe something bold? I had a little time to game plan. I went back and got orders. Aaron Rodgers orderd the breakfast burrito and as quick as he can read a cover-2 defense, I up-sell him on adding bacon (extra $2.50!). He bites hard on my offer. Point Bruno. Rodger’s little sidekick dittos the order, “I’ll have the same.” I can tell this happens a lot with this guy. The others get cheese fries, a breakfast sandwich and a club sandwich (no tomatoes).

 

Aaron Rodgers & Co eat their food, I check in, all gravy. No dessert, no coffee, they are ready for the check. Shit. Game time. I follow Alex’s lead and write “Go Lions” on the bottom of the receipt. I fold it lengthwise, as per usual, and go to drop it to everyone’s favorite NFL star. But before I can get there, the short blonde pulls out her Amex and insists I take it. Fuck, he may not see my message now. I run the card and return to the table, the check is unfolded, face up. Maybe he saw it? We’ll never know.

 

Rodgers check

 

The table stands and slowly makes their way to the door. I’m at the computer, closest to the the front. Aaron Rodgers is 5 feet from me. I get the idea, I should tackle him. I push that idea out of my head and then another thought creeps in. I look at Rodgers and say “Hey man”, he looks at me. We lock eyes, I say “we’ll see you at Ford Field this year” he rolls his eyes and gives a sarcastic “yeah” and then walks out.

 

I was on cloud nine. I felt so cool and tough. In my head, I told off a millionaire. The reality is, I’m not even going to the Packers at Lions game, I was just saying that as the royal ‘we’, like the Lions and I will see you later this year. Even funnier is to think of this story from Aaron Rodger’s perspective. He came in, got some okay food, decent service, then a stranger made a vague reference to seeing him later. End of story.

 

Short blonde friend did tip $20 on $75.69 which is like 26%, which I’ll take all day. There was also a moment where I considered, “what if Aaron Rodgers gets mad about the ‘Go Lions’ thing and doesn’t tip me?” but I already hate him, if he didn’t tip me, then this would be a very different story. Either way, worth it.

 

Nobody eats for free.

 

 


Aaron Rodgers is unstoppable

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Published on : January 17, 2017

 

 

How long can this go on for? Who can make it stop? How is it even possible?

 

 

These are just some of the questions football fans around the world are asking about Aaron Rodgers and his fantastical feats of football magic. Unless you’ve been living on Mars, you know by now that the Green Bay Packers are in the midst of an eight game win streak. After starting the 2016 NFL season off with a 4-6 record and on the brink of irrelevancy, the team has turned it around and is within striking distance of a Super Bowl berth. This is thanks in large part to Aaron Rodgers and the work he has done on the football field.

 

As a Lions fan, this guy has been ripping my metaphorical guts out for years now. There was a long time that I believed that many of the more amazing things he was able to do were flukes. Everyone is bound to have a few unbelievable plays go their way if they are on the field long enough, right? Well, I was very, very wrong. There’s no explanation for what he does week after week, other than that this guy is the best and most clutch player in the NFL. You have no idea how much it hurts me to say that.

 

 

I’ve wanted Aaron Rodgers and his team’s luck to run out for as long as I can remember and no matter how many sacrifices I make to the football gods, it just hasn’t happened. Leading me to the conclusion that it isn’t luck at all, he is just that good. He is the best there is and I just want the nightmare to end. Aaron Rodgers has single handedly carried the Packers this season and some of the miracles he has worked have left people speechless.

 

Take last Sunday’s divisional round matchup against the Dallas Cowboys for example. The Packers jumped out to a lead against the Cowboys. Aaron Rodgers was doing all his normal stuff. Evading pressure, escaping the pocket, buying tons of time with his legs and then rifling some of the craziest throws you’ve ever seen down field for huge completions. You know, run of the mill Rodgers stuff. The kind of stuff that makes you pull your own hair out if he is doing it against your team. But the Cowboys battles back and managed to tie the game up late in the fourth quarter. En route to that game-tying field goal by Dan Bailey, the Cowboys spiked the ball to stop the clock. When they did this I got a very sick feeling in my stomach.

 

 

By spiking the ball, the Cowboys left the Green Bay Packers with 35 seconds on the clock after the aforementioned field goal. Anyone who knows his body of work knows that 35 seconds is an eternity for Aaron Rodgers. At first glance, things looked to be going in the Cowboys favor. A sack on first down and an incompletion on second, had the Packers sitting at third-and-20 with only 18 seconds to play in the game. Surely this thing would be going to overtime and the Cowboys would have one last chance to end Aaron Rodgers’ reign of terror.

 

Then, he went full blown Rodgers mode and did what he always does in the biggest moments. Rodgers scrambled to the left and bought enough time to be able to throw a 36 yard bullet to the very edge of the field of play. He threw one of the prettiest passes you’ll ever see to the exact spot he intended and his tight end, Jared Cook, made a catch that was almost as beautiful as the pass. I challenge you to show me anyone else in the world who can make that pass across his body with as much velocity and accuracy.

 

 

That pass from Rodgers to Jared Cook set up Mason Crosby and he drilled a 51 yard field goal to give the Packers a 34-31 victory and a trip to the NFC Championship game this weekend in Atlanta. He did it again. I’m grateful that Dallas made a game out of it and that final two minutes was some of the most captivating football action I’ve ever seen, but what does it matter if Aaron Rodgers is still going to crush your soul no matter how hard you try to avoid it. He didn’t even need Jordy Nelson to destroy the Cowboys, and at times he made it look maddeningly easy.

 

At 33 years old, this guys has many years of ripping out the hearts of opposing fans ahead. I wish it wasn’t true, but it is. I just want him to go away, and for a few brief weeks at the beginning of this season I thought his empire might be crumbling. But if this amazing run is any indication of the future, the entire league is in trouble. Because as long as Aaron Rodgers is working this kind of magic, he and the Packers can win the Super Bowl in any given year. Especially this one.

 

Go Falcons.

 

 


The Worst of the Worst: Jeff Triplette

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Published on : January 10, 2017

 

 

In this new SBS segment, we take a look at the most deplorable of figures in all of sports. From players to coaches to referees to owners, there is no shortage of awful people in the world and that extends to the sports world. We will put the spotlight on those who have done wrong and try to bring their transgressions to the forefront. We do this in hope that by knowing just how horrible they are, they might be banished and the rest of us might be less likely to feel the wrath of their ineptitude.

 

For this inaugural edition of The Worst of the Worst, we put NFL referee, Jeff Triplette, on blast!

 

The Orlando Brown incident

ORLANDO BROWN

 

In 1999, Triplette threw a flag during a Cleveland Browns game. Nothing unusual, right? Except this flag, like all of them, was weighted with ball bearings, and when he threw it, he apparently wasn’t paying much attention to its trajectory. This flag found its home in the eye of Browns’ player, Orlando Brown, who went ballistic and shoved Triplette to the ground. Brown was then suspended but wound up having the suspension lifted after his eye failed to heal. He went on to miss the next three seasons due to partial blindness in his right eye. It was surely a mistake on the part of Triplette but that doesn’t change the fact that he negatively impacted this man’s career and got the NFL sued by the player. They eventually settled with Orlando Brown out of court.

 

Illegal face to the hands

Okay so the last example showed that maybe Triplette is a little careless. While it was an unfortunate occurrence, I don’t really think that it’s a reason that he should be fired from his job. But if you watch the above video you get a glimpse into just how bad this guy sucks. The play begins with Detroit Lions’ running back, Dwayne Washington, running the ball for a 14-yard gain. In typical Lions fashion, there is a flag thrown on the play that negates the run. This time the culprit is center, Graham Glasgow, who has committed a penalty for illegal hands to the face. Except once you rewatch the play it is clear that it is the player with whom Glasgow is engaged, Eddie Goldman, that commits the penalty. Glasgow’s hands never come near Goldman’s face mask. This is probably one of the worst calls of the 2016 season, in all of the NFL. Just one of the most recent examples of the horrors of Jeff Triplette’s officiating.       

 

Words are hard

This example of Jeff Triplette’s ridiculousness also comes to us from the 2016 NFL regular season. In this incident, Aaron Rodgers runs for a touchdown against the Tennessee Titans. Upon entering the end zone, Rodgers is laid out by Titans’ defender Perrish Cox. The hit comes late enough that it draws a flag and a scrum between the two teams ensues as the rest of the Packers come to the defense of their quarterback. What follows is one of the most painful explanations of a penalty that I’ve ever seen. This guy really has no idea what is happening around him. Watch, and be amazed.

 

These are by no means the only transgressions that Jeff Triplette has committed over the course of a career that has somehow spanned 20 years. The internet is littered with videos of his infuriating calls and hilarious explanations. He has proven time and again that he has no business officiating the game at its highest levels. Go out for yourself and make your own conclusions. This guy has got to go, and I’m sure that if you look over the long list of supporting evidence you will agree that Jeff Triplette is among The Worst of the Worst.

 

 


The ones I Love to Hate: NFL QB Edition

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Published on : September 4, 2016

 

 

We all have people we don’t like. We can never really like everyone. It’s just part of the human experience. Sometimes there is a legitimate reason for that dislike, perhaps the person has wronged you in some way or behaved in a way that just didn’t jive with you. Other times, there might not be a reason you dislike that someone, you just do. That’s okay too. Well as with most things in life, this can relate to sports as well.

 

Obviously we all have our hated rivals that we just can’t stand. Maybe it’s because they always beat your team’s ass on the field or maybe it’s because they are a pesky thorn in the side of your favorite squad as they try to win a championship. But there are also those guys that your team barely ever plays that you still can’t stand. It happens to us all, and I’m here to help you embrace that strong dislike, or dare I say hate, by giving you glimpse at the NFL QBs that I love to hate.

 

AARON RODGERS

 Most hated.

 

FUCK THIS GUY! When I was young, I didn’t think I could ever possibly hate a Packers QB more than I hated Brett Favre. Then this smug bastard plummeted in the 2005 draft and landed in Green Bay. He’s been making me hate my football life pretty much ever since. Remember that hail mary TD pass that was the result of a bullshit face mask call? Yeah, me too. I still see it in my nightmares every fucking night of my miserable Lions-loving life. The 49ers can fuck right off too for drafting Alex Smith over him. How did that work out? Whatever, I just have to hope Ziggy Ansah develops into a Rodgers killer and turns the tide in the Lions’ favor because I can’t take much more of this guy murdering the Lions.

 

JAY CUTLER

 A face only a mother could love.

 

I kind of feel bad for this dopey bastard but still, fuck him too. I know this list is starting out with the two biggest rivals of my favorite team, but hear me out. I’m pretty sure most Bears fans can’t stand Jay Cutler by now. He has continually underwhelmed as the guy leading the Bears’ offense. He pretty much squandered an offense that consisted of Matt Forte, Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffrey. Martellus Bennett, who recently left that offense, expressed frustration at Cutler’s decision making. “He just sucks. And he happens to have perhaps the most punchable face in all of the NFL.” I’m just happy that he hasn’t beaten the Lions in 6 straight meetings. Here’s to hoping we get to see this sad sack of trash lose to the Lions forever.

 

TOM BRADY

 Best Friends Forever.

 

In all reality, I should like this guy because I’m a huge University of Michigan fan but he still bothers the shit out of me. Ever since that first Super Bowl in 2001, I’ve had a simmering hatred for Tom Brady and the Patriots. You can see how highly I think of Tom and coach Belichick here. I fully accept and submit to the fact that they are the greatest coach/QB combination ever, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. There’s something infuriating about how easy he makes winning look. Maybe it’s the jealous rage inside of me fueled my desire to be part of a winner but I’m pretty sure it’s just that he kind of seems like an asshole. Also he’s homies with Donald Trump so he has to be shitty. If we’re lucky he will start to decline soon and we can stop having to hear about him and Roger Goodell fighting all the time.

 

RUSSELL WILSON

 What a tool.

 

It’s pretty well documented here at ScoreBoredSports that I can’t stand Russell Wilson. He’s such a tool. Like everyone else on this list outside of Jay Cutler, I accept that he is a very talented quarterback. His run at the end of last season was downright bananas. He’s going to be a good football player for a very long time. That’s what makes it even worse. I’m seriously going to have to deal with this guy’s bullshit for the next decade. His relationship with Ciara is enough to make you want to vomit. It all looks so staged. If I was a Seattle fan, I’d be stoked to have him but I think I speak for everyone outside of the Pacific Northwest when I say that I can’t wait for the time when he hangs up the cleats and walks off into the sunset. Maybe he can move to Tibet and become a monk. Perhaps even some sort of lifetime vow of silence can be arranged?

 

That’s it for the ones I love to hate. Which quarterbacks rub you the wrong way? Add your most hated in the comment section below, and stay tuned for other players that I love to hate.

 

 


Case of the Mondays: NFL Hall of Fame Game

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Published on : August 8, 2016

 

 

Are you ready for some football!?! Me too, but due to a lack proper planning on part of the NFL, we’re going to have to wait just a little bit longer to get it. If you’re anything like me then you couldn’t wait for the Hall of Fame Game yesterday. It’s just preseason but it’s still full contact, full speed, football action. And after so many months without our beloved pigskin, the masses are desperate for it. Well, thanks to poor field conditions (and planning), we were all denied that for which we have yearned for so many months. With about an hour until kickoff, the league canceled the game and took the air out of what was to be the grand conclusion of a great Hall of Fame induction weekend.

 

The game was set for the Green Bay Packers to face off against the Indianapolis Colts but alas, it was not meant to be. Even though we weren’t going to see Aaron Rodgers play in the first place we were still going to get some action. Most of the other starters would see very, very limited playing time but that doesn’t really matter. I WANT FOOTBALL AND I WANT IT NOW!

 

 These guys were there, but no one was playing.

 

To be totally serious, I’m low-key proud of the league, despite the logistical ineptitude, for the decision to cancel the game yesterday. It’s not something that happens often but the league actually put the players’ safety above all else. That’s right, the guys who still try to downplay the link between the game, concussions, and CTE, did what was best for the players. I’ll give you a second to digest that. Now that we are past that, it’s time to rag on them a little bit. Get your shit together, NFL. If you can’t get a field in Ohio to be safe, how can we trust you in London or Mexico City this season? We all know that you aren’t canceling a regular season game. Blame the Tim McGraw concert that was held on Friday all you want, but everyone knows this is on you.

 

The safety concerns at Benson Stadium in Canton, Ohio stemmed from conditions of the playing surface on the field. This is the same stadium where Steelers kicker, Shaun Suisham tore his ACL last season while attempting to make a tackle. There were complaints about the conditions of the field for last year’s game and yet the NFL didn’t cancel the game. At least one player from that game takes issue with that fact.

 

 

You have to think that he has a point. After last years’ debacle the league replaced the old turf with the artificial playing surface from the New Orleans Saints’ home, the SuperDome. Yet, the issues persisted. Maybe just get a new field installed instead of borrowing a used one? Word from players was that the paint for the logo at centerfield and the endzones had congealed to the point that it was like tar and a cleat wouldn’t penetrate it. Another player was quoted as saying that it would have been like “playing on concrete.”

 

How on Earth does the league bungle setting up and painting a playing field? Have they not been hosting football games since 1920? It’s kind of sad that a league that is estimated to have $13 billion in revenue this year can’t get the field figured out. It’s bad enough that they are forcing these two teams to play a fifth preseason game, but to potentially put the teams in further danger by fumbling when it comes to the turf? That’s bush league.

 

 We know how you feel, buddy.

 

So this Case of the Mondays goes to the National Football League, and its attempt at the 2016 Hall of Fame Game. Aside from an estimated $4 million in lost revenue, the league lost a bit a little bit of respect from the fans in attendance and at home. While I applaud them for taking a stand on player safety, the respect gained from that move is surely lost when you consider that it never should have gone down like that. This is the most popular and powerful professional sports league in the country, and maybe even the world, yet they can’t figure out the playing field for the first game of the year.

 

Let’s all just be happy that they got their heads out of their own asses for long enough to cancel the game and stop some injuries before they happened. I’ll wait until Thursday for some football, but I damn sure ain’t happy about it!

 

 


Fantasy Football Draft Strategies

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Published on : August 1, 2016

 

 

Thank God, football is coming back. And with it, comes the evil step brother known simply as fantasy. Many drafts are still weeks away but some crazy leagues do them at the start of training camp. So it’s not too early to start talking about it, even though my girlfriend would disagree. But for once, this isn’t about her. This is all about the fantasy football draft and how you should decide to pick players. I’m talking Winston Churchill war room level. The draft is one of the biggest determining factors to who wins the championship. Waiver wire is hugely important but if you select a top trio of QB, RB, WR and they all stay healthy and productive then your path to a trophy is much easier. The big question is, who do you take? And when?

 

If the draft scares you or you think this sounds like too much work then just set your team to auto-draft and sleep easy. We call these people “draft dodgers.” To be fair, I’ve had some pretty decent squads the few times I let the computer pick. My first team back in 2003 was auto drafted and I made the playoffs. Another year, I was hungover and a slept through the draft. Still made the playoffs. Damn, maybe the robots know more than me? Fuck that. I reject that theory. Let’s get to business.

 

1st pick

 

The old fantasy football draft rule was go running back, running back with your first two picks. This is still a viable route because the value of a solid RB is unmatched. Then we saw freak wide receivers and quarterbacks going in the top ten. Players like Aaron Rodgers and Calvin Johnson changed the game. These guys are fantasy studs. No question. But is it smart to use your first pick on a WR or a QB? I say no, because of the the drop off between the production of ball-carriers versus other positions is way out of balance.

 

That means a top QB may get 30 points in a week while a waiver QB may score 20. But when it comes to RB’s it will be a difference of 30 to 3. If you play in a 10+ team league then there just aren’t quality and consistent players available to add. You can find a serviceable QB while there will be zero starting RB’s. For example, last year, I used a combo of Kirk Cousins and Ryan Fitzpatrick (both claimed off the waiver wire) in the final weeks and playoffs. They equaled or out performed my highly drafted competition. I also won the championship. There will always be these type of finds.

 

So, your first pick should be a running back. You can never guess who will get hurt but try and draft someone with a decent o-line and hopefully, a short injury history.

 

2nd pick

 

With your second pick, go either a top pass-catcher (WR/TE) or another clear starting RB. If the back is in a timeshare situation then I go with the receiver who is most likely to either see higher volume and or lots of red zone targets.

 

Note: tight end is another role that has little middle class. Getting an every week starter is a blessing. One less slot to stress over. Just leave Gronk in the lineup until the bye.

 

3rd pick

So we have an elite running back, a big WR and we are back on the clock. I’d still go after a RB. There are lots of attractive QB’s and number two wideouts but they will mostly be there next round. Get that other bell cow now and then you can move to deep threats while everyone else is scrambling and buying high on guys who only see 10 carries a game.

 

4th round and beyond

So far we picked RB, WR, RB. Now get that TE. The top three names will be gone but there’s plenty talent left. If for some reason, all good the tight ends are drafted then grab another WR or your favorite of the remaining QB’s. These are the suggestions for next round anyways. After rounds 4 or 5, it’s hard to recommend position picks, mainly because we don’t know what the board will look like. The draft is all about finding value.

 

The one stat that would best explain this concept is the baseball metric WAR (Wins Above Replacement). WAR relates to a players performance against the average athlete. Keep that idea in mind when you are picking. Where are you finding the best values? And don’t fall into trends. If WR’s are going like hot cakes, don’t sell out your plan just to not be left out. Because after all those teams have receivers, they are going to start taking the other things you need. Stick to your guns.

 

The double down and handcuffing

 

No, I’m not talking about a wild weekend in Las Vegas, I mean the double down aka the double dip, which is drafting players on the same team. Like Ben Roethlisberger and Antonio Brown. So when Ben tosses a TD to Antonio, you get points from both players for one touchdown. It’s nice when it can happen but I try and not count on it. Don’t move up/change your draft plan just for a double down. The NFL season is crazy. Tons will get hurt, traded, arrested. Who knows. Diversity is key to a deep squad. Don’t bet the farm on Tony Romo playing all year with Dez Bryant.

 

Handcuffing is when you draft the backup to a popular player. Just in case they get injured. I like this for one skill player per roster. Find that guy you would be screwed without and invest in their nightmare. Look, if your first round pick goes down and someone else scoops the backup then your team lost a huge asset and you handed it to your jerk friend. At least this way, no other franchise gains because of your loss.

 

Wrap up

Take backs early and often, then top pass catchers and more backs. Wait on the QB and stock up on depth. Standard formats see lineups with two RB and two WR with one TE and a FLEX (can be any RB, WR, TE) so it makes sense to address the biggest need. Yes to hand cuffing but no to the double down. And always beware of the celebrity trap. It tricks us, makes us take Russell Wilson too early or draft a defense in the 6th round. Stay strong and you can get through this.

 

Champs

 

 


Most Annoying People in the NFL

Written by :
Published on : June 16, 2016

 

I love football. Who doesn’t, right? But just because I love America’s (true) pastime does not mean that I love all of the players or coaches in the NFL. In fact, as a rule, I dislike almost everyone who doesn’t play for my beloved Detroit Lions. Of course there are players on other teams who I enjoy watching and maybe even cheer for, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about. It’s the players and coaches that drive me crazy that bring me here today. Not because they constantly beat and embarrass my home town team (well, maybe), but just because they suck at life. Let’s take a look at some of the most annoying people in today’s NFL.

 

Aaron Rodgers

 

Okay, this one might be partially caused by jealousy and resentment but still, fuck this guy. If I have to see him do the stupid discount double check (or beat the Lions) again, I’m going to explode. Plus he is dating Olivia Munn!?! What an asshole. He’s super talented and all that, and maybe it’s just those ugly ass green and yellow uniforms, but I seriously can’t stand him. He’s so smug, especially when sporting one of his various creepy ass mustaches. Here’s to hoping the Lions sack him 25 times next year.

 

AaronRodgers
                              He looks like that uncle in the family that no one wants to leave alone with the children.

 

 

JJ Watt

 

JJ Watt is a totally regular guy, just like you and me. Oh wait, no he’s not. He’s arguably the best player in the league and is also a total clown who I’m tired of seeing. Let’s just all be thankful that Hard Knocks isn’t covering the Texans again so we don’t have to see anymore of his fake ass country, good ol’ boy routine that he desperately uses to get his legions of fans to relate to him. I honestly enjoy watching him play. He’s a beast out there. But I honestly can’t stand him anymore. Like Jennifer Lawrence, if you have to constantly remind the world that you’re just a regular person, then you’re probably not. Also he just released a logo for his personal brand that I think sucks. What is that, a ‘W’?

 

jj-watt-logo

 

 

Russell Wilson

 

Russell Wilson may be the lamest person ever to put on a helmet and step on to a NFL field. From claiming that God speaks directly to him, to claiming that something called Recovery Water helped cure his concussion, this dude is completely full of shit. His whole relationship with Ciara makes me want to barf. Saving yourself for marriage, Russell?  Why don’t you save the bullshit. This dude is a robot who will do whatever it takes to get people to like him. And you know what? No one outside of Seattle does. I realize the dude is really talented, but he is also super corny. Just watch his University of Wisconsin commencement speech from a few weeks ago and see. Notice the pity laughter he gets from his not so funny, totally not relatable Super Bowl interception joke at the 1:43 mark.

 

 

 

Rex Ryan

 

I don’t understand why this guy keeps getting head coaching jobs in the NFL. He is a (supposed) defensive mastermind, but the dude can’t develop a decent quarterback to save his life. On top of that, he constantly puts his foot in his mouth by saying some of the most boneheaded things to the media. I guess he can be mildly entertaining from an outsiders standpoint but if I was the owner of a NFL franchise and really wanted my team to succeed, why would I choose someone who has proven time and time again that they can’t provide the type of offensive football necessary to succeed in the game of pro football? Seriously, Buffalo, what were you thinking? This guy is just some good defense and a bunch ridiculous soundbites. As a defensive coordinator, sure, but as my head coach and face of the franchise, no thanks.

 

alg-ryan-jpg

 

 

Jerry Jones

 

People used to talk a lot of trash about Al Davis when he was still around, but at least you could never question his knowledge of the game of football. He was a bit of a loose cannon as far as NFL owners go, but the dude knew the game. If you ask me, the same does not go for Jerry Jones. To be fair, he’s living out a lifelong dream of mine by having purchased an NFL franchise and played GM for the past few decades, but you can’t ignore some of the major blunders he has committed while running the team, the biggest of which has to be the firing of Jimmy Johnson after two consecutive Super Bowl victories. That’s insane. Jerry Jones is nothing but a rich attention whore who was lucky enough to be able to buy a pro football team. And it’s time for him to go away.

 

Oct 21, 2012; Charlotte, NC, USA; Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones point to the fans prior to the game against the Carolina Panthers at Bank of America Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Jeremy Brevard-US PRESSWIRE

 

 

Did we miss anyone who you bothers the hell out of you? Call them out in the comment section below, and tell the world why that person is the worst.

 

 


NFL Quarterbacks who just got Paid

Written by :
Published on : March 20, 2016

 

 

Boy, oh boy, it’s a good time to be an NFL quarterback. It feels like almost every team is looking for a starter and is willing to pay handsomely for one. The apparent lack of quality arms has seen some teams shell out huge contracts for players who are mostly backups. And speaking of backups, you need one of those too. You can’t build a great team without at least preparing for the idea that your star QB may get hurt. Plan accordingly and that injury may not sink your playoff hopes.

 

Below are not the quarterback elite. That’s the whole thing about this. We understand when Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers gets a fat extension but some organizations are so desperate that they will sink their fortunes in someone a little less proven. Let’s take a look at some the big money deals that have been inked so far:

 

Case Keenum

 

The Los Angeles Rams got him for 1 year/$3.6 million. He is supposed to start. I don’t know much about him. I know I don’t want him on my team, holding the ball every play. Not a great beginning for the LA franchise. Maybe they can still go out and sign someone. What is Tim Tebow doing?

 

Sam Bradford

The Philadelphia Eagles gave Sam a 2 year/$35 million deal. With $22 million of it in guaranteed money, including a $11 million signing bonus. This guy has never played well or stayed healthy for a full season. But teams keeping thinking he can be the guy. Maybe he can. Probably not. He is becoming the new Matt Flynn.

 

Brock Osweiler

 

You know, Peyton’s backup. Oh yeah, the Houston Texans gave him a 4 year/$72 million contract with $37 million guaranteed. Part of that $37 is a $12 million signing bonus. Not bad for a guy who just won a Super Bowl ring for holding a clipboard. I’m being mean, Brock could become a great player. The only problem is we just don’t know yet but that contact says differently. For example, Joe Flacco, who has won the Super Bowl for his Baltimore Ravens just signed for 3 years/$66.4 million. Flacco is a proven commodity. Osweiler is not, even if he is 6’8”.

 

Mark Sanchez

With Peyton Manning retiring and Brock Osweiler moving to Houston, the Denver Broncos needed to do something. They picked up the phone, called Detroit and asked about Mathew Stafford. The Fords just laughed and hung up. So Denver got the next best thing: Mark Sanchez! I’m kidding. It’s an insult to Stafford that I mention him in the same breath as Sanchez. Both were drafted in first round of 2009. Matt 1st overall and Mark 5th and that’s where the similarities end. Denver acquired Sanchez through a trade with the Eagles for a draft pick. Last year Sanchez signed 2 year/$9 million deal. Denver will pay him $4.5 million this year. So Sanchez didn’t exactly just get paid but if he plays decently then another sizable contract is coming his way.

 

Kirk Cousins

 

Cousins played great in the second half of last season but Washington still wasn’t sold enough to give him a multi year deal. Instead, they slapped him with the franchise tag which will net Kirk around $19.7 million for the year. If he performs well in 2016, then he can expect a massive contact.

 

 

There are still quite a few teams that need quarterbacks. Browns, Niners and the Jets all come to mind. Will RGIII and Colin Kaepernick find new homes? Maybe Brett Farve will come out of retirement? Only time will tell. The only thing we know for sure is these signal callers are ballers with the checks they cash. And from the looks of it, the money train isn’t slowing down. Damn, is it too late to switch majors?

 

Cha-ching.

 

Contract info from spotrac.com


A Look Back at My “Ten Bold Predictions for the 2015 NFL Season”

Written by :
Published on : March 3, 2016

 

 

 

Back in mid-August, I wrote a piece giving ten bold predictions I expected we would all see happen during this past NFL season. In this article, (which can be found here) I mentioned all of the obvious predictions like, “Who will win the Super Bowl?”, “Who will win MVP?”, as well as some other more “out there” ideas. So with the Denver Broncos winning Super Bowl 50 about a month ago, (spoiler alert: I didn’t get that one right) and thus concluding the 2015 NFL season, I figured now would be a good time to check back into that crystal ball and see how my picks turned out.

 

1. Adrian Peterson wins the rushing title

Result: CORRECT

 

I got off to a good start here as AP led the NFL with 1,485 rushing yards, edging out Tampa Bay’s Doug Martin. While drafting him didn’t help me win my fantasy football team this year, I had a feeling Peterson would come back strong this year after being suspended for much of last season and he helped the Vikings earn their first playoff spot since 2009.

 

2. The New England Patriots will finish 2nd in the AFC East

Result: WRONG

 

Well this took a quick turn. I think what makes this worse is I predicted Miami to win the division. Gross. Let me explain my rationale here though. At the time this article was published, Tom Brady was still set to be suspended for the first 4 games and I figured with Jimmy Garoppolo under center for those games, a 2-2 start was the best case scenario for the Patriots. If that were the case, New England finishes 10-6 instead of 12-4 and who knows what happens seeing as how the Jets also finished 10-6.

 

3. Ray Rice will be back in the NFL

Result: WRONG

 

I took a loss on this prediction as well and I still am a little bit surprised about it, especially once Greg Hardy put an NFL uniform back on. Now I fully understand the severity of what Ray Rice did and I don’t by any means condone it, but after being suspended for all of last season, I figured someone would be willing to take the chance and may have needed a veteran back. The Cowboys made the most sense to me when I made the prediction, fittingly, they wound up being the ones to sign Hardy.

 

4. Jameis Winston and Amari Cooper win NFC/AFC Offensive Rookie of the Year

Result: WRONG-ish 

 

So the AP Offensive Rookie of the Year Award went to Todd Gurley, and rightfully so as he finished third in the league in rushing yards. However, I feel like I should get half-credit or something because Jameis Winston won the Pepsi NFL Rookie of the Year at the same NFL Honors Award Show. Amari Cooper had a solid rookie year with Oakland as well.

 

5. Leonard Williams and Landon Collins win AFC/NFC Denfensive Rookie of the Year

Result: WRONG

 

Kansas City corner Marcus Peters won this award by a landslide after leading the NFL with 8 interceptions and helping to make the Chief’s defense one of the best in the league. Leonard Williams was third in the voting, and according to Mel Kiper Jr should have won, so I guess I had someone in my corner.

 

6. The Carolina Panthers will have the biggest increase in wins from 2014

Result: CORRECT

 

By finishing 15-1, Carolina easily had the league’s best record as they narrowly missed perfection during the regular season. Following a dreadful, 7-8-1 record last year, (granted they still made the playoffs in an embarrassing NFC South) I figured at least 11 wins was very realistic for the Panthers. Instead, Cam decided to put up video game numbers and they won 15. Either way, a win for me.

 

7. The Dallas Cowboys will have the biggest drop off in wins from 2014

Result: CORRECT

 

I knew the loss of DeMarco Murray would hurt this team…well I guess the loss of Tony Romo and Dez Bryant for much of the season didn’t help either, but regardless, I knew this team wasn’t duplicating its 12-4 season from 2014. While I didn’t predict 4-12, the Cowboys still had the biggest drop off in the wins column.

 

8. Peyton Manning will retire following the 2015 season

Result: To be determined…

 

Despite Peyton’s best efforts, the Denver Broncos won the Super Bowl last month after he had an absolutely miserable regular season. Easily his worst professional season, and one that even caused him to miss a stretch of games late due to injuries. Peyton came back just in time for the playoffs and looked rather pedestrian in the process. However, because of an absolutely dominating defense, Denver made it so Peyton could ride off into the sunset a now two-time Super Bowl champion. The question still remains as to whether he will take that ride or jump back into the saddle with another NFL team.

 

9. Aaron Rodgers will win MVP, again

Result: WRONG

 

After a 6-0 start to the season, the Packers fell flat after their bye week and never really turned it around. Aaron Rodgers never looked like himself. While his stats were nowhere near, say Peyton’s, they weren’t what we have come to expect from him. Again, a 31 touchdown, 8 interception season isn’t anything to sneeze at, but he had his lowest QB Rating since becoming a starter in Green Bay. Cam Newton wound up dabbin’ his way to the NFL MVP Award in what was a fantastic year for him.

 

10. The Green Bay Packers will defeat the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl 50

Result: WRONG

 

Ugh, this one is right up there with picking New England to lose the AFC East. First, allow me to defend myself a bit with my reasoning here. Jordy Nelson tore his ACL just days after this article was written, which certainly hurt Green Bay going forward. For Indianapolis, Andrew Luck missed most of the season as well, but frankly they were better off without him (record-wise) as Hasselbeck wound up winning 5 games for the Colts, while Luck finished 2-5 on the year.

 

Overall Record: 3 CORRECT, 5 WRONG, 1 WRONG-ish, (1 TBD)

 

So there you have it. Not the best showing, but with only 90% of precincts reporting (a little election pun for you), I still have a shot to steal one more if Peyton would just make up his damn mind. So help me out, Peyton. Grab a few of those Budweisers you were talking about after the big game, open another Papa John’s Pizzeria, and just enjoy what retirement has to offer: Growing thick beards, Wrangler commercials, and copper sleeves for aching joints. Hey, it’s working for Brett Favre.

 

 


How to Fix the NFL Pro Bowl

Written by :
Published on : January 31, 2016

 

 

Sunday, the stars of the NFL head to Hawaii for a showcase of the league’s best. This break in playoff action is the Pro Bowl. The game has become some strange appetizer we are supposed to enjoy before the Super Bowl. Trouble is, no one likes it. The NFL wants a cool and entertaining All Star game but it doesn’t work like it does in baseball or basketball. Football is full-contact. You can’t play it for funsies. You have to play for blood. Over the last few years, the Pro Bowl has undergone a bit of a facelift to help make the event more interesting but only few ideas have really stuck. Here is a little advice on how to fix the Pro Bowl.

 

The first issue is this is not the league’s best. The really good players are gearing up for Super Bowl 50 and the other remaining top Pros are getting ready for surgery or are too pissed off to play some meaningless pick-up game. This year’s meeting can now boast the most rejected Pro Bowl invitations ever. Stars like Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, LeSean McCoy, JJ Watt, Antonio Brown and many others all said “no thanks.” The players that really take advantage of this spotlight are the younger stars. For them, it’s still fun. They get a trip to Hawaii, they get paid, and they get to show off. Maybe we name the All Pro list then let the under 25 year olds take center stage. This sounds fun but that isn’t the point. How can we make a game that guys like Watt and Brady want to play, even after they get booted from the playoffs?

 

pro-bowl 2016
Most of these guys will not play

 

 

Pay Them a Crazy Amount

scroogecash

 

What if each player got 10 million dollars for playing in the Pro Bowl? You think they’d say “no” then? I don’t think so. I understand that 86 players are named to the combined roster so this plan requires 860 million dollars for one game. But believe me, everyone would watch that game. And those guys would play full speed. This is the best idea so far. Dear Owners, start saving your pennies cause we got a big party we want to throw at the end of the season and we need you to pay for it (only 27 mill per owner/year).

 

 

Add a Real Incentive

 

In baseball, the MLB All Star game means something. The American League stars play the National League equivalents and the winning squad gets home field advantage in the World Series for their conference. Players are encouraged to go for it because they might be playing in the big game and hosting a series is a serious bonus. The NFL could learn this lesson, maybe not for home field but for another perk. Currently, we have a Pro Bowl player draft but what if we went back to AFC versus NFC? And what if the winning team gets to decide possession and kickoff? Get rid of the coin toss and let the winning team choose. Or maybe something about draft picks? This adds a level of importance the contest currently lacks.

 

 

Change the Rules

double dare

 

They already don’t let the defenses blitz the QB. It’s a neutered game. So let’s go all the way and ruin it. What if the Pro Bowl was just a skills contest? Like an All Pro combine. Who can throw the farthest, who runs fastest, who can bench press the most? Maybe we go full Double Dare and see which athlete can find an orange flag inside a giant nose.

 

So looks like the heart of the issue is that the game happens too late and then we don’t get to see our favs play. On top of that, the matchup is never as good as advertised. We need to shake this system up. Start the game earlier, tweak the scoring to make it more like MTV’s Rock ‘N Jock, or add some intense stakes like cutting off fingers or losers get awful tattoos. At the end of the day, I think it’s unfair to ask the NFL elites to try harder. That’s why football is awesome: there are limited number of games and every meeting matters.

 

 


Roger Pretzel’s Review ‘N Brew: Week 10

Written by :
Published on : November 20, 2015

 

 

In this little corner Roger Pretzel will review his favorite play of the week along with a thoughtful review of what beverage he was imbibing at the time.

 

 

Week 10: Crezdon Butler Breaks-up Crucial Packers Two Point Conversion

A once in a quarter century game saving play.

 

VIDEO: HERE

 

Amidst the ruins of the smoldering slagheap that is the Lions wasted 2015 season, I am pleased to come up with at least one Detroit play worthy of the Review ‘N Brew. Sure, it was nice to have our first win at Lambeau since 1991, and I good-naturedly ate up all the horseshit little news pieces about what was going on in ’91 to show just how long it’s been. That was a cakewalk however, compared to the obvious truth that it wasn’t exactly a resoundingly successful win for the Lions. They gave an imploding Green Bay squad every chance to steal the game away, until Mason Crosby said “enough is enough” and squibbed the ball when he should have been trying for a field goal.

 

Teryl Austin’s defense finally made an appearance this season, showing up in a big way against a division rival. They were the most successful force on the field all day, and new kid on the block Crezdon Butler made the big play after just being signed; a week ago he was washed-up and watching the NFL from his couch.

 

Much credit belongs to linebacker Josh Bynes who rushes straight through both lines, making Aaron Rodgers throw early. Still, Davaonte Adams has space on the quasi-fade pass and jumps for it… until Butler gets a solid hand on the ball’s nose sending it scoreless to the oft-commented on lush grass of Lambeau Field. It should have been a game clincher but in true Lions heart-attack style the next 30 or so seconds would be nail-biting misery until the fat lady finally sang.

 

 

 

Week 10: Really, Really Expensive Scotch

 

It’s no secret that I am a man who enjoys the finer things in life, and when I drink scotch I want my wee dram to be from a bottle that costs roughly as much as the down-payment on a house. To celebrate the Lions unlikely win, I lit the lamp and headed down into the depths of my private cellar, returning with three very august bottles.

 

Glengoyne 35 Year-Old Single Malt

 photo 35_006_1__zpsq3fxndj3.jpg

As the aroma wafted up into my schnozz from the opened bottle, I knew I was in for a treat. The elixir in my palm-warmed snifter gave up scents of vanilla, almond, honey, and old-man balls. Whetting my tongue ever so slightly, I was impressed that the flavor of elderly gentleman scrotum was both subtle, yet undeniable along with hits of cooked fruit, and dried peat. A lingering note of geriatric testicles made for a sublime tasting experience.

 

Pro tip: This Glengoyne pairs particularly well with a milder cigar, particularly one that tastes like the taint of a middle-aged construction worker.

 

 

Port Ellen 14th Release 35 Year-Old Single Malt

 photo Dec14-PortEllen14th_zps8gw19had.jpg

The Port Ellen was next up. As I uncork the bottle I feel joyous and warm, both from the Lions’ victory and from my previous snoot. Perhaps a little hastily, I dove into this one without lingering too long on the bouquet. This little gem proved smooth and honeyed, with loads of soft smokiness to spare and a heady dose of geezer nutsack. I regained control of myself and slowed down, noting the bourbon, grandpa gland, and maple elements. I cleansed my palate with some table water crackers and took another sip. “This is some expensive shit,” I thought pleasurably to myself as the bold flavors of the balls of old gray kings danced across my tongue. Let’s try one more before bed I thought…

 

 

Lagavulin 37 Year Old Single Malt

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Ah Lagavulin, what a trusty friend you are! I keep a bottle of the 16-year regularly stocked in my personal bar, but today is a special day, for the Lions have defeated the Green Bay Packers for the first time in 24 years at Lambeau Field. While I certainly appreciate the 16-year, it cannot compare to the 37 in the complexity in which the flavors of old duffer gonads mix with the rich malt and sherry. I’m getting sleepy and curl up with an old volume of Byron as I take tiny sips. The poetry on the page is worthy of the poetry in my glass as I savor the essence of ancient dude-berries in a hairy and weathered sack attached to some venerable old general.

 

My glass is now empty and I fall asleep in my easy chair with the fire raging. What a wonderful day it’s been.

 

 


Roger Pretzel’s Review ‘n Brew: Week 8

Written by :
Published on : November 4, 2015

 

 

In this little corner Roger Pretzel will review his favorite play of the week along with a thoughtful review of what beverage he was imbibing at the time.

 

 

Week 8: DeMarcus Ware Strip-Sacks Aaron Rodgers For the Safety

John Kuhn tries to recover the fumble that eventually became a safety.

 

VIDEO: HERE

 

The Broncos defense makes its second Review ‘n Brew appearance of the season with another stripped ball, this one leading to a safety.

It’s not like Aaron Rodgers never gets sacked, but it’s quite rare to see him make a mistake under pressure. This time DeMarcus Ware jumps past the offensive line and gets to the QB mid-bootleg, resulting in the pigskin bouncing on the turf. Danny Trevathan makes the smart play to push the ball into the end zone, and Packers center Corey Linsley and tight end Richard Rodgers make a noble effort to get the ball back out, but ultimately Rodgers trips in the end zone surrounded by four or five Broncos D-men.

 

Week 8: All Those Gross 40’s You Used to Drink in High School/College

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Freshman year of college, I drank a lot of beer and malt liquor in forty ounce bottles. In retrospect, I can’t really figure out why, but I guess it was kind of the perfect portion for an inconsequential amount of cash. By the time sophomore year rolled around I had upgraded to better quality beer and cheap red wine sold in enormous jugs. I couldn’t imagine drinking any of these today, but here are their rankings based on my gloriously intoxicated memories.

Olde English “800” – C+
In preparing for this piece I was interested to notice the “imported” claim on the Olde E label, but as far as I can tell, it’s imported all the way from the Pabst Brewing Company. When you’re young and dumb I feel like this is the most well known malt liquor, but it actually tastes kinda nasty. It’s got that fruity sweetness that sticks in the back of your throat, making for what feels like a thick gullet film that hangs on for a while. People love this shit, but it was never for me.

Balantine XXX Ale – B
I love how this is touted as “America’s largest selling ale.” I fell hard for the Balantine when I first discovered it, but then got burned out on it quicksville. It does have the benefit of being a real-deal ale as opposed to a malt liquor, and has a very pleasant robust taste as a result. However, it also has the craziest, most intense, aftertaste you’ll ever find in a forty-ounce beverage. Basically drinking a pot of this is a battle between how delicious it starts and how gnarly it ends. Pro tip: crack one at the beginning of the night and then move onto something a little milder as the evening ends.

Colt 45 – A-
This here’s the belle of the ball. Sure it’s a malt liquor, but the flavor is pleasant and light in comparison to its colleagues. It’s cloying, it’s sweet, and lord preserve you if it gets warm, but out of all the drinks in this ballpark, its the least likely to make you gag. By the end of my forty phase this was the only one I could regularly stomach. Its mellow profile reminds me a cheap lager, and it also reminds me of linoleum floors, cruddy dorm furniture, and the couple friends I made that year that I’m still pals with to this day.

St. Ides – D+
Oh man, this one will hurt you. It’s the monster under your bed. It’s every lie you’ve ever told. When you stare into the St. Ides, the St. Ides stares back into you. It’s also barley wine strength at an 8.2% ABV so it will royally fuck you up quick without you noticing it. That’s why hobos drink it. It is a hellacious sauce that I would have given an “F” to, but I realize I would probably still drink it if it was the only thing available on a desert island. Therefore, this should be the official beverage of the 2015 Detroit Lions.

 

 


ScoreBoredSports NFL Staff Picks: Week 8

Written by :
Published on : October 28, 2015

 

I may be the only football illiterate person on the staff. My wisdom for the weekly NFL Staff Picks is based on which place I’d rather live in, and random tidbits I pick up by listening to announcers.

 

Recently, I heard football spectators commenting on the Seahawks. They argued that they are not offensively ready to go on a winning streak following the royal beating they gave to the 49ers last week. My pick for the Seahawks was justified by Pete Carroll’s trajectory in USC football’s glory years. Trojans stick by each other, which is why I was rooting for him, not the team.

 

Anyway, I was struck by a comment in an email from Alex; “football is stupid.” While making my choices for the week 8 picks, certain thoughts came to mind: I barely watch NFL games, but my picks are doing alright; average at worst and better than I expected. Considering my success in making picks for the first time ever, I’ll wait to till the end of the season to confirm or deny if football is stupid.

 

 

Week 8

 

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4

Week 5

Week 6

Week 7

 

 


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