Since the dawn of khakis, an epic debate has raged in the heavens: which version of golf reigns supreme? Well, ScoreBoredSports and I are here to finally set the record straight. Grab your clubs, your funny shoes and let’s tee up some hardcore golf jokes. Four!
It’s all about the courses. This is each game’s bread and butter. The fact that golf courses change from place to place rules. I mean Peddle Beach, Augusta, Pirate’s Cove. These are the most beautiful greens on the planet. The uniqueness of each location adds true replay value. But who has it best? Let’s break it down, science style.
Arguments for golf:
– Giant rollings hills with some of the most pristine grass anywhere. 18 hole courses can cover acres of land and are very private. It must be magical to be able to walk those grounds.
– You get a golf cart. This is huge and not to be discounted.
– You can get beers and other drinks/snacks while you play. This is a game-changer. I bet Sandy Danto agrees.
– Golf is a classic gentlemen’s game going back to Ireland, no Scotland. Somewhere with bagpipes.
– A great way to network with other fat-cats.
Arguments against golf:
– Golf courses/country clubs are exclusionary institutions that cost tons of money.
– The huge lawns waste tons of water.
– It’s boring.
– Pro golf only uses white golf balls. Racists! Cough, cough.
– You will probably run into your dentist, who will remind you to floss.
Arguments for putt putt:
– Fake grass needs no water.
– Anyone can play as long as you have $4.
– Super fun themes to the courses. I’ve personally played ones with dinosaurs, space ships, miniature homes, pirate crap (obvs), and the films of Tom Hanks.
– Sink a hole-in-one on 18 and you get a free game! Normally a windmill or a clown is involved.
– You can pick any color ball the rainbow can imagine. Now that’s democracy.
Arguments against putt putt:
– Lines. It gets busy and some terrible family may not let you play-through.
– No booze allowed. You can always sneak your own but that’s true of anywhere. I guess.
– You never get to hit the ball really hard. Like you totally can but you will super lose it.
– No golf carts. They wouldn’t even be necessary but it still sucks you don’t get one. Golf carts are not to be discounted.
– There is no pro league. You’ll never get Tiger Woods money for bouncing the ball off a metal gorilla and into the cup. So maybe stop practicing.
And the Winner is…
Or mini golf, as his friends call him. This shouldn’t be much of a surprise. I mean what did you think I was going to choose? The rich, exclusive game or something for the people? Putt putt has it all: the fun of real golf but without all the ridiculous elements. Like the clothes, cost and availability. Plus, putt putt has pirates, martians or dinosaurs! How is boring-pants golf going to compete with that? Really all you need is mini golf and a decent driving range and you can forget about the rest. That may ruffle the pocket squares of some big wig golf fans and to them I say: where are your pirates?
Check mate (See what I did there? Pirate pun). Or something more golf like, Birdie. No Eagle. That’s even better.