It was 8:30 in the morning on a Sunday and my alarm went off.
MY ALARM WENT OFF AT 8:30AM ON A SUNDAY.
I made the decision to wake up and watch a football game. But not just any football game. It was the Detroit Lions playing the Kansas City Chiefs in London. Really, the only thing making this game unique was that it was my favorite team — for better or worse (usually worse) — The Lions, playing in London. It was a painful game to watch. I’m not here to recap the woeful performance of the offensive line or the countless missed tackles on Kansas City runners. I’m here to make a proposal (or plea). Move The Lions to London.
I think it’s best for the fans and the team. As fans — we just need some time — for us. We need to figure some things out. Things like, should we be Vikings or Steelers fans now? Both have a bruising history which is something Detroiters respect. The Vikings are, geographically, the closest NFC North team not located in Chicago or Green Bay (gross). Pittsburgh is a tough and gritty blue collar town; also something that Detroiters can really identify with.
Shhh… just go. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be; because, it DOES need to “be”. Fans in London, as the FOX commentators repeatedly reminded us, seem to really love American Football. Like, genuinely. But, like any “newbie,” they need to experience pain before they can experience triumph. Don’t reward them with the possibility of immediate success.
“But, how can you have immediate success with an expansion team, Alex? Wouldn’t moving The Lions give them a better chance at winning right away?” Good question, guys.
The Carolina Panthers and Jacksonville Jaguars are both expansion teams that have come into existence in my lifetime, and both have had MORE success than The Lions in my lifetime. So, I again say, “send The Lions to London.” London deserves an NFL team. But not without feeling the pain of a tattoo on the underside of their arms before that puncturing needle turns into soothing angel tickles of victory. Detroit is still waiting for it’s angel tickles.
Give them about 50 years of that pain, then once Londoners souls are broken like the Detroit football fans’, move the London Lions to Los Angeles. I’m sure they still won’t have a team in 2065. Let them rebuild from scratch and taste the sweet flavor of victory after so much bitter defeat.
Go now! The ceremonial burning down of Ford Field to cast away the football demons that have plagued our city is going to happen soon. You still being here will make this weird for us. Haven’t you done enough? Just let us have this one victory before we cast you away deep into our memories where the Freudian sex thoughts about our family members live!
Detroit deserves a successful football franchise. Detroit deserves a successful football franchise. DETROIT DESERVES A SUCCESSFUL FOOTBALL FRANCHISE.
Damn. It worked in Beetlejuice.