In this little corner Roger Pretzel will review his favorite play of the week along with a thoughtful review of what beverage he was imbibing at the time.
Week 16: C.J. Anderson Threads the Needle For An Impressive TD
For a guy supposedly fighting an ankle injury, C.J. Anderson shows a ridiculous amount of explosiveness on this touchdown run. A beautiful cutback gives Anderson all the room he needs, and when those legs start popping he dusts four different Cincinnati defensemen on his way to the end zone.
Just shy of forty yards, this play put Denver in the lead for the first time in the game, all the way into the fourth quarter. He gets one good block on the way from Emmanuel Sanders, but most of the credit lies in the back’s excellent instincts and spooky speed.
Week 16: Vodkas Supported by Rappers
Greetings Pretzelheads! Last week we explored the world of athlete vanity wines. This week we’re continuing in a similar vein with a hard-hitting taste-test of rapper endorsed vodkas. I’m a thirsty boy; so let’s get this show on the road.
Birdman for Grand Touring Vodka
According to Grand Touring they “combine the finest grains from America’s heartland with clean, crisp waters. Column distilled (six times) and filtered through activated stone carbon, Grand Touring Vodka presents unmatched smoothness and quality. The bounty of our labor is in your grasp, so let it pour.”
When it comes to Birdman, the dude is a solid businessman with his label, but I’ve never been much of a fan when it comes to his rapping talents. His vodka clocks in at around $33 bucks, which is more than I’d normally want to pay for a vodka with such tacky graphic design on its label.
Taste Test: Pretty smooth. Inoffensive. Tastes like vodka.
Dame Dash for Armadale Vodka
Armadale vodka says their product is like when “Scottish legacy meets American ingenuity. We handcraft each bottle of Armadale with the unique characteristics of flavorful grains and pure Cascade Mountain water. Then we filter our spirit five times through charcoal and crushed lava rock. Whether you enjoy Armadale straight up or in your favorite cocktails, you’ll experience an ultra smooth vodka thatʼs rich in character.”
Okay, so Dash was never an actual rapper, but I always loved when other rappers had beef with Jay-Z and they would harsh on Dame too. This dude has basically made a career out of hustling in the shadowy business side of the entertainment industry, so a vodka endorsement just seems natural for the one-time Roc-a-Fella magnate.
Taste Test: Inoffensive. Pretty smooth. Clear in color.
Lil Kim for Three Olives Vodka
This is a true vanity product with Kim repping her brand as “a fantastic blend of imported English vodka and the wild juicy taste of frozen crushed grapes. Enjoy Three Olives® Purple as a shot, on the rocks or in your favorite martini.”
I personally like this one. Not the booze, but the endorsement. Lil Kim is rad because she’s never been afraid to be trashy, even as she indulges in the finer things. It’s a quality that feels distinct to 90’s hip hop culture, that sadly no longer applies. Dudes who spit nowadays are considered tastemakers for high end men’s fashion and that’s not much fun. Good on Kim that she shills a nasty ass candy flavored bottle.
Taste Test: Literally tastes like grape Kool Aid with a little (‘lil) burn.
Jermaine Dupri for 3 Vodka
Apparently “3 Vodka is distilled its own way, using a proprietary and time-intensive method, with two separate distilleries employed to protect the secrets of the vodka’s complex origins. 3 Vodka marks the first time in history that soy has been distilled. Made from a delicate combination of soy isolates, the purest elements of the soy plant, and select grains, 3 Vodka gains its signature smoothness from the natural soy itself.”
They go on to boast that “3 Vodka is the ultimate spirit.”
Jermaine Dupri had that one song “Money Ain’t A Thang,” but was way more famous for being a producer on Mariah Carey’s brilliantly titled album “The Emancipation of Mimi,” and posing in photos with other rappers. He was also the mastermind behind Kris Kross. Seems a little weird to me that the dude would be repping a soy-based vodka, which while totally chemically plausible, just seems entirely unglamorous and unappealing. Regardless of taste it sounds a lot fancier to say “I use the finest grains,” or “the finest potatoes,” than “the finest crops of those beans you get as an appetizer before eating sushi.”
Taste Test: Eh, tastes like vodka. Inoffensive and pretty smooth.
Bonus: Snoop Dogg for Landy Cognac
Landy Cognac gets down with a “Fine gold color. Pleasant nose, supple and harmonious. Orange blossom and orange peel aromas. The smell is reminiscent of the taste of freshly pressed grapes. Very soft mouthfeel.”
I had to add this one because while I’ve never had enough money for the ‘spensive stuff that Snoop holds in the photos, the regular old Landy is totally solid and affordable. If you poured it in a Hennessey or Courvoisier bottle it would probably taste just as good if not better. This is easily the best product on this list. Who knew Snoop had such good taste?
Taste Test: Softest mouthfeel ever (eww).
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