In this little corner Roger Pretzel will review his favorite play of the week along with a thoughtful review of what beverage he was imbibing at the time. This is Review ‘N Brew!
Week 13: Jameis Winston Runs, Fumbles, Recovers Own Fumble, and Clod-Hops For a First Down
You know how they have that “World’s Ugliest Dog” contest every year? It’s weird, and it’s fun, and when the nastiest pooch is crowned, one feels a distinct sense of admiration for the winner. There can be a strange beauty in ugliness and that is exactly what this NFL play is all about.
The decision to run by Winston is calculated desperation on 3rd and 19. He’s hoping to escape the pocket and find someone open downfield, but with grass in front of him, why not go for it and try to reach field goal range? Winston achieves said goal just before he’s creamed by two falcons defensemen, one in front, and one in back. The ball comes loose, and from the tape it looks like Winston has to recover his own fumble by wrenching it free from the pile.
That’s when all that gorgeous ugly comes into play as Winston spins right and with the awkward, wobbly steps of a newborn faun churns it past the marker. His knee never goes down and his goofy run to a big first down is as amusing as it is impressive.
Week 13: Bizarre and Nasty Dranks From Around the World
The world is a wonderful and horrible place, and getting loaded doesn’t end with a can of Bud and a shot of Early Times. Let’s expand our horizons and get turnt up in some of the wackier ways humanity has come up with.
I don’t usually think of fermented horse milk when I think of party, but that’s how some folks in the steppes get down. It’s kind of like that yogurt drink kefir, but with booze. Buzzkill warning: Kumis only has a tiny amount of alcohol in it, a measly 0.7 to 2.5% ABV. So if you want to get twisted, you’re gonna have to try the gallon/hour milk challenge with this potion.
This one doesn’t sound too weird at first since it’s essentially beer made from corn or cassava. One method of making it is similar to regular old beer production: you germinate the corn to get some malt, boil up a wort, and then let that bad boy ferment. No biggie. The other way’s a little gnarlier. This more traditional method of achieving a similar chemical change in the corn involves chewing the hell out of it in your mouth and spitting out chunks of the stuff to dry before fermenting. Irresistible!
Pruno (AKA Prison Wine)
I’ve never been in the pokey, and as long as nobody discovers the bodies buried in my backyard, it’ll probably stay that way. But if it ever comes to it, and I’m allowed to watch the Detroit Lions lose from prison, at least I’ll have this salve to balm my wounds. The ingredients are basically some peeled fruit, fruit cocktail, and a hell of a lot of sugar. The best part is that you add ketchup at a certain point in the fermentation process to nourish the yeasts with vitamin C and more sugar.
Anybody got a spare plastic bag I can borrow?
Apparently you can go to a joint called the Sourdough Saloon way up in the Yukon and order the “sourtoe cocktail.” Traditionally the drink is an amputated salt-cured human toe in a glass of champagne, though it appears these days that a shot of liquor is the more popular medium. Once you throw back the drink the toe is returned to its preservatives and reused for each successive drink. Unsurprisingly over the years a few folks have accidentally (or not) swallowed the toe along with their beverage. But be warned, doing so comes with a $2,500 fine.
It’s a fun little local challenge that comes with the steadfast rule: “You can drink it fast, you can drink it slow – but the lips have gotta touch the toe.” I’m a pretty depraved dude, but this one grosses even me out something powerful.
Compared to spit-corn beer and horsey drank, snake wine doesn’t seem that unusual. You just kill a beautiful creature and preserve it in either rice wine or grain alcohol, and voila, ancient Chinese medicine! I add this one last however, because this is the only bevie on the list that I have actually drank.
The bottle I tasted from also had a scorpion floating around in it, and was decidedly of the grain alcohol variant. Unsurprisingly, it burned the crap out of my mouth and left my tongue with a truly revolting flavor that would just not quit. It’s hard to describe, but it was a heavy, musky, taste, akin to what I would imagine roast rat or pickled muskrat to taste like.
I certainly didn’t feel any healthier after drinking it, that’s for sure.