Roger Pretzel’s Review ‘N Brew: Divisional Playoffs

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Published on : January 21, 2016

 

 

In this little corner Roger Pretzel will review his favorite play of the week along with a thoughtful review of what beverage he was imbibing at the time.

 

 

 

Divisional Playoffs: Thomas Davis Shows Good Hands on Onside Kick to Kill Seahawks Miracle Comeback

 

VIDEO: HERE

 

In this Divisional weekend, we saw the Patriots get lucky breaks even when they didn’t need ‘em, Aaron Rodgers completed two ludicrous Hail Mary passes back-to-back, and grandpa Peyton overcome a handful of sacks to take Denver to the Conference Championships. Not least of all, in the Carolina/Seattle matchup, we saw the ‘Hawks do what they do, in attempting to crawl out of a 31 point hole and make an improbable comeback, like they did last year against Green Bay.

 

Not if Thomas Davis has anything to say about it.

 

I think Detroit fans might feel this, since earlier in the season Calvin Johnson, arguably the most “hands” guy one would want on that “hands” team flubbed one against the Packers. It don’t matter if the guy is a linebacker in his thirties or a star wide receiver: you gotta put the game away.

 

Davis takes a massive hit as he goes up for the catch, so it’s not a gimme by any means. Fullback Derrick Coleman, ploughs into Davis’s legs sending him crashing headfirst to the field. Davis hangs on for the showstopper.

 

 

Divisional Playoffs: Booze That Comes in Bottles Shaped Like Weapons

 

Nothing goes together better than alcohol and weapons. Whether it’s taking potshots at cans off your front porch while sippin’ some Lynchburg Lemonade, emptying your Beretta into the air at your cousin’s christening while chugging Night Train, or wowing party guests with your spiked punch-enhanced knife throwing skills, you know the guns and blades are gonna come out at some point in the night.

 

It’s only natural that spirits providers would get hip to this match made in heaven, and now we’re blessed with an embarrassment of riches in the form of booze holding vessels that looks like our beloved heaters, streetsweepers, and toad-stickers.

 

Tequila That Looks Like an AK-47

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The good folks at Institucional Tequila chose to bottle their 100% agave blanco tequila in a glass bottle shaped like an AK-47. Online providers claim that the product is both “fruity and smooth,” though Institucional prefers to describe the spirit as “dangerously smooth.” Get it? You are going to get lots of attention if you bring this to a Super Bowl party, your grandma’s funeral reception, or a government building.

 

Vodka That Looks Like an AK-47

Ak-47

 

It would be pretty lousy if a Mexican company were the only distiller to use the shape of the famed Kalashnikov. You can’t leave the Russians out. But apparently Moscow’s attitude is “nyet way, Jose.” Kalashnikov vodka is not only named for the famed creator of the world’s most iconic machine gun, but it also has a far superiorly modeled bottle to it’s Mexican counterpart, and comes in a faux-military style weapons crate.

 

Good luck getting your hands on this puppy though, it was a one-off production with a limit of 13,000 bottles produced.

 

Rum In The Shape of a “Buccaneer Pistol”

 

Another export from our Mexican friends, this añejo rum has been aged a respectable ten years and boasts “lots of vanilla and sweetness.” The bottle itself is hand made, and certainly looks like something a pirate would carry around, but holding only 20cl of hooch, it’s questionable whether or not Blackbeard & Co would be trucking around with such a paltry stash.

 

Still, it would make a great gift for that elementary school teacher, elevator operator, or proctologist in your life.

 

Tequila in the Shape of a Pistol

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Well, there’s definitely a theme here… This tequila is described thusly: “This limited edition tequila is made with quality, prestige and tradition to honor the Villanueva Barragan family, owners of Licores Veracruz. This pistol symbolizes the family’s courage, respect and pride. Hijos de Villa tequila represents the Mexican family in the revolutionary era.”

 

It probably would’ve been better had the family not gone out of it’s way to explain what the pistol means to them as now I’m picturing an estate full of the Mexican version of the Sorpanos, but what’re ya gonna do? This one’s also only 20cl, so you’re mostly paying for a glass bottle shaped like a gun with a little bit of yellow tequila in it, which is generally considered pretty good (think Cazadores).

 

Brandy in the Shape of a Sword

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And straight out of left field comes a glass sword full of Ukrainian brandy thanks to the Albo Group of Companies. I couldn’t say it any better than the company representatives:

 

“A new brand from the Albo group is now available as a gift. Our cognac is considered to have good form and flavor. The new Cognacs of Ukraine come in a souvenir bottle and has been rated as a five-star cognac in a several tasting competitions… The shapes of the bottles are very pleasing themselves, however; inside is where the real pleasure and surprise are contained. Even experts are pleasantly surprised at the quality of the cognac. The taste is classical balanced and the flavor harmonious combined the aroma of fruit. The long and silky final note gives an elegant aftertaste. The noble amber color of the cognac in a vessel of sculptural form will improve any home interior or office.”

 

That’s all for this week, but you can bet I’ll be seeing you after the Conference Championships, swinging my brandy sword, and making obscene shooting sounds with my tequila pistol.

 

 

 

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