Football is coming back to LA, baby. After 20 years without an NFL team, there are currently two new stadium proposals set for approval early next year. One plan would relocate the St. Louis Rams to a brand-new stadium in Inglewood. The other venture, led by Disney CEO Bob Iger, would build a two-team stadium in Carson for both the Oakland Raiders and San Diego Chargers.
This is fucking great news. I may have grown up in Chicago, but my love of football wasn’t born until after I moved to Los Angeles, the biggest US city without an NFL franchise. Now three teams want to be my hometown hero? Hell yeah. This is what America loves the most: choices. Let’s take a look at our candidates and see which team(s) would be the best fit.
Founded: Oakland, 1960.
# of Super Bowls: 3 (’76, ’80, ’83)
current record: 4-4
Pros: They were already the Los Angeles Raiders from 1982 to 1994. Black and gray look great on the red carpet. Ice Cube is a fan. I’m not seeing a lot of cons here… oh wait, there they are.
Cons: This franchise hasn’t won a Super Bowl since “Return of the Jedi” was in theaters. And their mascot is kind of lame. What is he anyway? A pirate? Human mascots are the worst. Does a Raider (or a Texan or a Buccaneer) really stand a chance against a Bear or a Lion or even a Seahawk?
Founded: Cleveland, 1936.
# of Super Bowls: 1 (’99)
current record: 4-4
Pros: Another West Coast expatriate, this franchise was the Los Angeles Rams from 1946 until 1994. They won the NFL Championship game in 1951. And they’ve got a great mascot: the ram. A majestic beast of mythic proportions that will crush anything in its way.
Cons: I’ve never been a fan of anything from Cleveland. (Except my good friend, Marielle Brinda, and her lovely family.)
Founded: Los Angeles, 1960.
# of Super Bowls: 0
current record: 2-7
Pros: Originally owned by Barron Hilton, son of hotel magnate (and “Mad Men” supporting character) Conrad Hilton, the Bolts only played their freshman season in LA before settling down south in San Diego for the last 53 years.
Cons: An even worse mascot than the Raiders. Lightning bolts? Come on, guys! Did your kids put those stickers on your helmets or what?
From where I’m standing, the best choice is obvious. Human mascots suck and lightning bolts are for the Power Rangers. Listen up, millionaires: lay out a buffet of champagne and sushi and let’s bring these Rams back to our shores where they belong.
The Chargers can come too, I guess.