The Donald is President and he is only weeks into the job and already looking to ruin everything from the environment to education to healthcare. Why would professional sports get a pass? Let’s use our political magic 8-ball and try and guess how Trump will destroy our favorite sports.
All foreign born players are deported. Leaving only a few dozen white dudes with bad facial hair. Sounds a lot like the WWE but with slightly better batting averages. Baseball officially dies and is replaced with an Alt-Right/all white version of the Home Run Derby. Each game is just giant, juiced up bros, jacking HR’s and eating Slim Jims. Just think Mark McGuire and you totally get it what it’s going to look like.
Players are no longer allowed to palm the ball. This maneuver upsets Trump and reminds him of his tiny, tiny, tiny hands. Additionally, Pres Trump will add a 5-point line to the court. Make a shot from beyond the golden arc and your team gets 4 points and one of Trump’s rich cronies gets a point. Also, all players are forced to wear Trump brand sneakers. They are like Jordans but they suck and everyone hates them. So nothing like Jordans expect they are made in the same factory. In China. That’s true by the way, look it up.
Trump forces the NHL to expand to include a Vladimir Putin run Moscow Maulers franchise. They win their first year in the league as Putin personally scores 100 goals in each playoff game as the player/coach/owner/commander-in-chief. Trump renames the Stanley Cup in Russia’s honor, dubbing it the Stalin Cup. Gretzky cries a few tears that freeze on his face. He watches Frozen with his grandkids to cheer up. It mostly works.
The core of football mostly stays the same. A good tyrant knows to keep us masses entertained and The Apprentice is only on so often. It’s your classic “Bread and Circuses” platform. The noticeable league changes for the NFL include the displacing both the Washington and Kansas City teams to reservations in Canada plus Tom Brady being granted a full Presidential pardon or any past or future cheating.
The world is ending. I just pray it isn’t too soon. I joke about everything in this piece but we are at a critical moment in our history and I hope everyone cares about what is happening with the same energy we care about sports.
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