Boozeball: An Alcoholic Reimagining of the NBA

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Published on : July 10, 2017

 

Welcome back to the world of Boozeball. Last time, we took a long drink of the NFL and enjoyed what all 32 teams had to offer. This time around, we are mixing up a new twist on the world of basketball. So please enjoy this alcoholic rebrand I call Boozeball: NBA Edition.

 

The Milwaukee’s Bests

One of the cheapest beers around. Maybe not a bad as Natural Light (AKA Natty Light) but close. Milwaukee hasn’t been good in forever. Just like all these dollar store beers the city keeps pumping out.

 

The Indiana Chasers

Slow down there Indy. You can’t just take shots all night, you’ll die. How about some chasers to soften the blow of all that liquor. Most go for something sugary to help wash the taste out. I prefer a very cold beer as my chaser.

 

The Detroit Stone IPA’s

stone_ipa

 

The IPA, not always loved but respected amongst those who know. This is not everyone’s flavor but it’s it has the history and isn’t going anywhere.

 

The Cleveland Case-of-Beers

LeBron finally broke the Cleveland curse and brought home a championship. You can be sure, that the beer sales during that NBA Finals run in the city of Cleveland broke some records. They were pouring it out, big time. Better buy another case.

 

The Chicago Bull Shots

Never had a Bull Shot? It’s like a Bloody Mary but made with a beef bouillon cube. It adds a hearty element that is usually missing from most cocktails. This drink has some real kick.

 

The Miami Hot Damns

hot damn

 

Hot Damn is the original shitty cinnamon flavored booze. Way before Fireball was cool, kids were drinking their parent’s Hot Damn. or After Shock depending on where you grew up.

 

The Orlando Maker’s Marks

Nothing is more more magical than American bourbon. And nothing is more pure Kentucky than Orlando. Also there’s something about the heat and burn of whiskey that feels at home in Florida.

 

The Alizé Hawks

For those squares who don’t know, Alizé is a French cognac that is blended with fruit juice and other flavors. It’s also half of Tupac’s ‘Thug’s Passion’ cocktail which is mixed with Cristal (champagne).

 

The Washington Wallbangers

Harvey-Wallbanger

 

Move over Harvey, there is a new sheriff in D.C. and he’s ready to party. Don’t think this one fits? Who is Washington’s best player? John Wall. Wallbangers. Boom.

 

The Charlotte Hornitos

Medium leveled spirit. Medium level organization. Salute. And please get some limes. You are going to need it.

 

The Boston Coolers

This drink has origins in Detroit because it features the soda Vernors, a ginger ale-type drink with intense bubbles. Add vanilla ice cream and your favorite spirit. Pick vodka for a clean taste. Or go bourbon for a nice twist.

 

The New York Kamikazes

kamikaze

 

Simple, strong and deadly. This drink can be a shot or served in a cocktail glass. Combine vodka, triple sec and lime juice. Shake over ice, strain and pour. This concoction seems perfect for the dumpster fire that is the Knicks organization.

 

The Brooklyn Neats

The coolest bartenders in the world serve it to you straight up. You want ice? Be a Knicks fan.

 

The Philadelphia 99 Bananas

The 76ers have gone bananas. This spirit is 99 proof but tastes like candy. You’ll go ape for that tropical flavor. This is very high school parking lot drink to me.

 

The Toronto Razzle Dazzles

razzle dazzle

 

Start with your favorite raspberry vodka, add Chambord then top with equal parts club soda and Sprite. Add fresh berries, lime and mint to really class up the presentation.

 

The Oklahoma Thunderbird Wines

Bum wine for a bum town. I mean, I’ve never been to Oklahoma city but I was stuck in Tulsa once and I couldn’t find a place that sold coffee that wasn’t the gas station and I got pulled over.

 

The Denver Goldschlagers

There’s gold in these mountains! This dorm fav pairs perfect with the Denver franchise. This drink has actual gold flakes floating in its nectar. And the city of Denver is full of flakes.

 

The Minnesota Tequila Sunrises

Tequila-Sunrise

 

Have you ever seen the sun rise over one of Minnesota’s ten thousand lakes? It’s breathtaking. Just like the new mascot. Simply mix tequila, orange juice and grenadine for a refreshing but potent elixir.

 

The Bottle of Port Trailblazers

That’s right, we’re talking fortified wine. Port normally tastes a little sweeter but it packs a punch. The good stuff can be around 20% alcohol so be careful on blazing down a bottle.

 

The Utah Fizz

Gin – check, sugar – check, lime juice – check, egg white, yes, eggs – check. Mix all that goodness together and you have a crisp and frothy cocktail that is sure to make the playoffs.

 

The Houston Ciroc-kets

ciroc

 

Time for lift off. Order another bottle and let’s dance till they kick us out. Normally, high end vodka people think Belvedere or Grey Goose but when in Houston there is only one choice.

 

The Memphis Gin and Juices

Rollin down the street, smokin indo, sippin on gin and juice, laid back. Sounds like Memphis to me.

 

The Dallas Malbecs

Aged like a fine wine. Like a glass of Dirk Nowitzki, and it pairs just perfectly with your prime rib. Owner, Mark Cuban, loves a good vintage and so should you. Keep it classy, Texas.

 

The New Orleans Hurricanes

hurricane drink

 

Throw some rum, some fruit juice, a little grenadine and some Mardi Gras beads all together and you have a one of the classic Bourbon Street beverages. Careful though, a few of these and you may take your top off.

 

The San Antonio Sazeracs

A serious drink for serious drinkers. Just like the spirit of the basketball team. These are the experts who find themselves deep in the playoffs every year. They may not be for everyone but you have to tip your cap to them.

 

The Golden State Rum Barrels

Straight from the recipe book of Don the Beachcomber himself. This potent potion is sure to make a splash. Careful tho, this joint is strong. Just a few of these cocktails and you’ll be ready for some championship level trouble.

 

The Phoenix Sex on the Beaches

sex-on-the-beach

 

Sex on the beach is one of those drinks everyone knows but no one orders. It’s a terrible gimmick. Just like Phoenix. Both are hot and sandy. It also fits perfect in the world of NBA since Utah has no Jazz and Phoenix has no beaches.

 

The LA Pan American Clippers

The Pan American Clipper is a good old drink that dates back to as early as 1939. Start with a quality Calvados or other apple brandy. Add fresh lime juice, pomegranate grenadine, and several dashes absinthe. Shake ingredients over ice, strain and serve in a stemmed glass, garnish with lime. Lob City will love it.

 

The Sacramento Kingfishers

Kingfisher is a great beer from India. It’s a super clean lager that goes great with food. Sacramento could use a strong pairing to help them on the court. This is some outsourcing we can all get behind.

 

The Los Angeles Shakers

cocktail shaker

 

Shake-and-bake baby. The Lakers are so essential they are like the cocktail shaker of the league. Not every ingredient going in is quality but Los Angeles tries it’s hardest to make it all go down smooth. It’s showtime.

 

Boozeball is done. Some of these jokes are better than others. I’ll drink to the bad ones and toast the good ones. It’s tough out here. Stay safe everyone.

 

Dunks and drunks.

 

 

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