This week Ichiro got his 3,000th career hit. Manny Machado hit three home runs in the first three innings of a game. Brandon Crawford had seven hits in a game. Yasiel Puig Snapchatted a sausage party in Des Moines. And Tim Tebow idiotically thinks he can play professional baseball. But I think the week will best be remembered for the emotional departures of Mark Teixeira, Alex Rodriguez and Prince Fielder. Well, we’ll just see about A-Rod being done.
Of the three, Teixeira was the first to announce his retirement. He leaves the game with 404 career home runs. He won a ring in 2009 with the Yankees. He was an excellent fielding switch-hitter. But the injuries kept piling on and Teixeira had to end a career that would fall pretty far short of Hall of Fame caliber. Not that that’s all that matters. But since the question has been asked this week in the media, Tex’s career numbers look less like Albert Pujols and Miguel Cabrera (1-2 in his era) and more like Tino Martinez, Norm Cash and Gil Hodges. He’s even behind Keith Hernandez, John Olerud and Will Clark in his JAWS ranking (which averages career WAR and seven-year peak WAR). That and the fact that he endorsed Marco Rubio for President makes me say no. But I guess since Rubio finished a distant third, it’s only appropriate.
I could pour over the controversial and illustrious career of A-Rod. But with a guy that competitive and that historically self-important, you have to assume sitting on 696 career home runs will drive him even more insane and he’ll wind up on a Major League roster next year. If a Miami or a Tampa Bay will take him. If this is indeed the end for Alex (and his .203 batting average suggests it actually could be), then he retires as the second-greatest shortstop of all-time to Honus Wagner. He won three MVP awards. He was the first overall pick in the 1993 Draft. He’s the all-time leader in grand slams. He’s got over 3,000 hits. He’s a member of the 40/40 club. The youngest player to 300, 400, 500 and 600 home runs. Seven All-Star Games at short. And seven All-Star Games at 3rd.
But mostly I’ll remember his career for the huge contracts, the lying about PEDs and the stories of general personal shitty-ness that made Brian Cashman publicly tell him to shut the fuck up, even though he’s one of the inner-circle greatest players of all time. Didn’t he sue his own team and then not pay his lawyers? Doesn’t he have a painting of himself as a centaur over his bed? This fuckin’ guy. A-Rod plays his last game with the Yankees today. But whenever he’s actually done, he’s banished to Bonds-Clemens Island. Or more likely a fancy strip club/whorehouse made of cocaine and HGH.
Let’s move on to Prince Fielder, who was easily the most likable of the three, but also happened to have the weakest career. Which isn’t really a knock when you’re being compared to Centaur Steroid Monster and the guy selling vanilla ice cream at the Hall of Very Good. Fielder has been a batting practice legend since he was 12-years-old when he hit one into the upper deck of Tiger Stadium. And he won the Home Run Derby twice. As an adult, not when he was 12. But his lousy defense probably knocked him down a few pegs and he’s retiring as the 94th-best first baseman of all-time (according to JAWS), behind guys like Kevin Youkilis, Derrek Lee and Carlos Pena. The eerie thing is, he’s also retiring with the exact same number of career home runs (319) as his estranged father – the one he didn’t like being compared to. Of the three players, I’ll miss Fielder the most. And we’ve lost too many Princes in 2016.
Let’s go around the league.
The AL East
I don’t understand why the Yankees are pretending they can still go to the postseason this year. They’re 7 back in the division. They’re 4.5 back in the Wild Card. And three other teams in their own division are ahead of them. They have a 2.9% chance of making the playoffs. Also, they kinda traded away Aroldis Chapman, Andrew Miller and Carlos Beltran. That’s waving the white flag on 2016. So all that being said, why is Joe Girardi being such a bitch about A-Rod?
I know I said all of the things I said about A-Rod earlier. But there is such a thing as taking the high road and not creating a pity party soap opera so dramatic that it makes someone like me who doesn’t even like the guy actually consider him a victim. Even Fenway Park chanted his name, Joe. You’re a dick.
If pitcher Wins are your thing, Wade Miley is 0-2 with a 4.91 ERA since being acquired by the Orioles. But that’s somehow still an upgrade for the club. That’s how bad Ubaldo Jimenez (6.83 ERA) has been this season. Also, if pitcher Wins are your thing (and we have to talk about this because they really shouldn’t be), J.A. Happ leads the Majors with 16. I’m feeling pretty good about the Blue Jays.
I know I’ve bashed the Red Sox a lot this season. But I think that racist David Ortiz bobble head might end up being their own Brady Bunch bad luck tiki. They’ve had injury scares with Steven Wright, Mookie Betts and Big Papi, himself, after that hideous mini-statue was made public. And they like, can’t lose any of those guys. Not that the Tigers and/or Mariners would mind. But the bobblehead also kind of reminds me of something famed character actor, Chelcie Ross, would look at and say, “Up yer butt, Jobu,” before getting hit in the head with a flying bat. Just putting that out there. I feel like this entire paragraph was totally reasonable and valid.
The AL Central
Think being a manager isn’t stressful? This week, Indians’ manager, Terry Francona, as well as Giants’ skipper, Bruce Bochy, had to miss games with chest pain and/or rumored chest pain. That being said, Joe Girardi is still a dick.
The AL West
I think this Jonathan Lucroy thing is working out in Texas. So is Beltran, for that matter. And they’d be the hottest team in the league (and 11-2 against the Astros this season) if not for the Seattle Mariners playing peek-a-boo with relevance once again. And I’m not going to say that Mike Trout could end up being the greatest player of all time. But he turned 25 this week and just look at some fun numbers of players Trout’s age.
All-Time WAR Through Age 21
1. Mike Trout 21.5
2. Mel Ott 19.3
3. Ty Cobb 16.1
4. Al Kaline 15.0
5. Rogers Hornsby 14.6
All-Time WAR Through Age 22
1. Mike Trout 29.5
2. Ty Cobb 25.9
3. Mel Ott 25.1
4. Ted Williams 24.8
5. Jimmie Foxx 21.0
All-Time WAR Through Age 23
1. Mike Trout 38.5
2. Ted Williams 36.4
3. Ty Cobb 36.2
4. Mel Ott 33.2
5. Mickey Mantle 29.5
All-Time WAR Through Age 24
1. Ty Cobb 47.2
2. Mike Trout 45.0
3. Mickey Mantle 41.1
4. Mel Ott 38.6
5. Jimmie Foxx 37.4
The NL East
Why would Bryce Harper need a working bat or neck when you have that rotation? This thing is turning in to a bloodbath. And I mentioned Ichiro becoming the 30th member of the 3,000 hit club earlier. But the best part about it is that he told ESPN he plans on playing until he’s 50. So I guess that first ballot induction in Cooperstown is gonna have to wait a while.
The NL Central
The Cubs are in first place on my birthday? Why, that’s only happened in 1984, 1989, 2001 and 2008. Cubs with the best record in baseball on my birthday? This is a first. And since they’ve won 9 in a row and are up 12 games on the Cardinals, I almost don’t care that Tommy La Stella is embarrassing himself by not reporting to Des Moines. I’m sure the Puig videos didn’t make it any more enticing, but still.
The NL West
When Clayton Kershaw went down on June 26, the Dodgers were 8 games back of the Giants. So I can’t really downplay how amazing and improbable it is that they climbed back within a game of first place. And that’s why you might actually see Corey Seager walk away with the Rookie of the Year and the NL MVP this year. Right now, I’d give it to Kris Bryant or Daniel Murphy. But enough people are bringing his name up to make me think he’d actually win if the voting was held today.
I will say that I’m not sure whether or not Puig will play for the Dodgers ever again. Even though Josh Reddick has hit .125 since joining the team. Puig may be lighting up the PCL, but apparently everybody hates him about as much as Joe Girardi hates A-Rod.
Oh, and the Giants are still the worst team in the Majors since the All-Star break. Jeff Samardzija has come back to Earth. So has Johnny Cueto. And Will Smith has a fucking 13.50 ERA since being dealt from Milwaukee. And that’s without me even mentioning that only one team (Pittsburgh) has scored fewer runs in the second half.
And since the Rockies have fallen off their wasn’t-gonna-happen-anyway Wild Card run, it’s only really worth mentioning David Dahl, who is their new Trevor Story. I almost wish his last name was ‘Chapter’ or some shit, so idiots on TV could stumble all over themselves to make that fuck-awful joke again. But Dahl has yet to go O-fer in his young career, starting with a 17-game hitting streak, while hitting .365 with a 1.013 OPS. Looks like the STORY has a new CHAPTER!
Okay. Should I even waste my time on Tebow? Because he played high school baseball and looked muscle-y in a cage? Just know that he didn’t get drafted. Even Michael Vick got drafted. And he hadn’t played baseball since 8th grade. Tom Brady, Russell Wilson, Dan Marino, John Elway, Daunte Culpepper… all drafted. And it’s not like there weren’t baseball scouts in Florida. He also hasn’t played baseball in 11 years. Michael Jordan hadn’t played in 13 years, was a much better athlete and only hit .202 in the minors. Plus, Tebow is 29. You know who else is 29? Andrew McCutchen. That guy is usually awesome. This year he’s hitting 50 points below his career average. Because baseball is hard. And Tebow has absolutely no chance.
That’ll do it for this week. If you need more baseball, check me out on “Comedians Talking Sports” with Joe Kilgallon in all the podcast places. Until then, Adrian Beltre needs 117 hits. And the Cubs’ Magic Number is 38.