These days, you can’t even open facebook without getting an eyeful of intense political debate. There is no escaping it. The whole reason I’m on FB is so I don’t have to think about anything serious. Well, if we can’t hide from it then we better get educated quick so we can correct our less intelligent family and friends before they go on their next tangent. Below, I paired each presidential candidate with a sport as a quick cheat sheet so you can keep track of them and their wacky opinions. I hope this helps. And please remember to go out and vote.
Nobody likes Ted Cruz. Not even his own family. So what is a sport that no one likes? That’s tough, I love most sports. I wanted to say bull fighting, because we look down on that in our country but that still seems too cool for Cruz. Ted Cruz is more like big game hunting but if he only hunted endangered species. Like killing the last white rhino or bigfoot, with a rocket launcher, from a helicopter, in some rich guy resort. Yuck.
Bernie is baseball. They have both been around forever and both have a very clear idea of how things should go. Also, Larry David played George Steinbrenner on Seinfeld and sounds just like Bernie, so there’s that. Some folks talk about the purity of the game and that’s Sanders. He is the last of his kind as a straight-shooting leader who cares about the little guy. That’s the old spirit of baseball. America’s pastime. Bernie is a throw back to a time passed when America had a strong middle class. Boom politics. Feel the bern.
Kasich is Major League Soccer. Respected, with some dedicated followers, but generally speaking, nobody really cares. The sport is growing and getting better but it still has far to go before taking all of America’s attention. Sorry John/MLS, maybe next time. But you played hard. Get yourself a Gatorade. I lean blue but maybe you are more of a red guy.
NASCAR. And I know there probably isn’t much overlap between Hillary supporters and racing fans but I picked stock cars for Hillary because of the corporate sponsorship. This lady has some huge companies backing her and those sweet jumpsuits would let everyone know who is picking up the check on this expensive campaign. Clinton has lots of top level experience but is very much a traditional politician in the Washington insider sense. That all means that she is going to keep driving the country in the same manner it’s always been driven. Not the most progressive option but a steady hand on the wheel. Plus she has Bill Clinton as her crew chief.
Marco Polo? Rubix Cube? Maybe something from Florida. Gator wrestling? Swamp boat racing? Jesus, I don’t know. I guess that means I’m out of touch, but worse that, I know so little about Rubio. Let’s just pick a sport. Okay, let’s say hockey, no, basketball. There is a joke here about LeBron and something about “taking my talents to South Beach”. Give me a minute and I’ll think of something better.
Trump is the NFL. Giant, rich and seemingly untouchable. Every scandal that rears its head should slow the beast down but for some reason it just makes it more powerful. Some of your college educated friends can’t see the fun in the blunt crudeness, while the true fans can’t look away for even a second. The league continues to erect billion dollar buildings and push forward past all the negative talk about concussions, domestic abuse and drug use. Trump/NFL is a self serving PR machine that cannot be stopped.
Was your favorite sport listed? Then that’s your candidate. Or I guess you could read up on everyone’s policies and make your own decision. Either way. Honestly, this is a competition we should all be paying attention to. We are at a critical juncture as a modern nation and the next leader can make a big difference. So please, stay educated and participate.
Rock the vote.