Welcome to the SBS Octagon, a fictional battle space reserved for hypothetical contests featuring characters from literature, film, television or any other made up source. Think the Danger Room from X Men. This a place where we can stack any opponents against each other for our own enjoyment. Haven’t you ever wondered who would win in a game of H-O-R-S-E between Jimmy from Hoosiers and Jesus Shuttlesworth from He Got Game? Well, that is exactly what the SBS Octagon is for.
In our inaugural installment, we turn our focus to the ice. A war pulled from the scenes of some of our most beloved hockey movies. Who would win in a fight? The wild Hanson brothers from Slap Shot or the full team from the original The Mighty Ducks? I’m talking an on-ice hockey brawl in full pads. Let’s jump in the SBS Octagon and see how these two squads measure up.
This is the Ducks’ biggest advantage other than their sheer numbers. They may be young, but these kids can move. Every single member is better than the best Hanson Brother on skates. This edge in speed and mobility is critical to surviving the war ahead. We all know the “Flying V” technique, and the scrappy Ducks are going to need that and other maneuvers that highlight their sound skating. The brains behind the Ducks is former alcoholic turned kids coach, Gordon Bombay (Emilio Estevez). He is named after two different brands of gin. That’s good screenwriting.
I don’t think this is much of a surprise to anyone. The Hanson Brothers are pure brutes. Toughness is the one thing these guys have in spades, other than scars and Rush albums. The Mighty Ducks do have their own enforcer in Fulton Reed, but he is way outclassed here. I’m also letting the Ducks have their coach for the fight. So that’s 14 versus 3. And the Hansons are still the clear favorites. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that these psychos live to brawl and that they wrap their knuckles in tin foil. What badasses.
Out of the gate, the Hanson Brothers stay clumped together. They seek out Bombay and Fulton first. A few quick hits and the Ducks numbers drop fast. They realize they will just get picked off one at a time unless they do something. They form the Flying V and charge the Hansons. Using their sticks, they take out one brother with a vicious series of slashes and knuckle pucks, but the other two retreat and split up. Now two groups of six hunt each brother. The Ducks incircle them but since they are basically children: they lack the killer instinct. The brothers pounce in this moment. Brutal bare knuckle destruction. Teeth and blood litter the ice. It’s gory but at least one Hanson is left standing, so they are the WINNER!
Tune in next time to see which of your favorite sports icons step into the SBS Octagon: the place where all arguments are settled.
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