When was the last time you had your cards read? Or your fortune told? Sports people are often deeply superstitious and are looking for signs from above. Well, ScoreBoredSports is here for you. Let’s look to the cosmos for answers to those big questions. This is the first installment of a new recurring feature we are simply calling SBS Horoscopes. If you are completely unfamiliar then simply use your birthday to see which zodiac sign you are and read the corresponding message. Oh man, I feel just like Zoltar, you know, the fortune-telling machine from the movie Big.
Aries (March 21 – April 19):
Don’t be surprised if things feel like they are moving slow. Basketball and hockey are over and this is the sleepy part of the year until football starts. Give your projects and relationships some time. This period is rough on everybody.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
Your favorite player gets arrested this offseason. Bummer. Pick a new team, ’cause it’s over for your old one. And generally this is good advice for you. Be ready for some new interests and opportunities. Maybe ask out that crush from the coffee house.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
Now is the time to connect or reconnect with family. Make this a priority. Maybe a game of catch or a trip to the ballpark. It will do wonders for your attitude and recharge your spirit. Do not discount this message, because a Gemini without its twin is destined to fail.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
A player on your hated rival gets cancer. Try your hardest not to take pleasure from this. Sportsmanship says you want to beat a team when they are full strength. Also, wishing off-field hardship on your enemies is an easy way to bring bad karma. See this as the test it is and you will pass.
Leo (July 23 – August 22):
You are bursting at the seems with energy you don’t have an outlet for. Don’t waste it. Use it on an athletic endeavor. Channel this power into your workouts or start a new activity entirely. You’ll find that if you feed yourself new challenges then your appetite for life will only grow.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22):
Feeling blue? That’s okay. Understand that this is emotional training needed for the future. If your team is ever going to win the championship then they need you, the fan, to be ready for that rollercoaster. The deeper the pain now, the higher the enjoyment later. Also, breathe.
Libra (September 23 – October 22):
Learn to say “no”. This will be your new best friend. Don’t sit through watching golf if you secretly hate it. Speak up. Your friends won’t abandon you, they will respect you. And if they do leave then they were never your real friend, just some golf loving freak.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):
You are at yet another crossroads. Seems par for the course recently. Take solace in the fact that you are learning to find peace in the chaos. Staying connected to your favorite team can act as a north star for those lost in a storm. Even if that just means checking scores on your phone.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):
Two words: road trip. Go travel and see your squad play in a new town. Be that fan that follows the team anywhere. The journey will no doubt be rewarding. And the memories you get to cherish for a lifetime. Finding the resources may be difficult but it’s worth it, a hundred times over.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):
You demand the best from everyone and that includes your sports team. High standards are important, but going undefeated is rare. Be accepting to the notion that there will be losses. It doesn’t take away from their effort. See that. Each victory is a treat, don’t act so spoiled to assume a win.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):
Please resist the urge to get that tattoo proclaiming “Super Bowl Champs” before the year has even started. I know you want to show your support but this is not the way. Maybe get a custom made jersey or paint your garage door in team colors, but don’t mark your skin permanently. Not until they actually win. If that’s your kind of thing.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20):
The selfless designated driver of the group. No one thanks you enough for your hard work. You buy the tickets and organize everything. So please take some time and treat yourself to something nice. Maybe a deep dish pizza or a new sweater. You earned it. And don’t feel guilty about it either. That’s an order.
Hope this helps. Check back for new readings. I feel so in touch right now. Like I just read an issue of In Touch while waiting to checkout at the grocery store. Maybe I should buy some lottery tickets?