It’s hot. It’s sticky. And relief is nowhere in sight. What do you do when the beach or the pool isn’t an option? Go old-school and have yourself a water gun battle. Squirt guns are some of the only guns that are actually safe to play with. But before you go all aqua-Rambo on your buddies, there are still a few things everyone needs to know to ensure a good time. This is the ScoreBoredSports guide to Water Gun Fights.
Listen up solider, we are headed into the wet jungle of water-warfare. All you need to survive is a working weapon and yours wits. I can’t help with the latter but let’s at least get you armed. Time to step into the armory and pick a dance partner.
Choose your weapon
Not all H2O throwers are created equal. But in the right hands and in the right situation, any of these pieces can soak an opponent. Let’s talk pro’s and con’s for each weapon system. This will help you find the tool that will best fit your needs.
– Plastic Pistol
Pro’s: Small and easily concealable. Solid capacity and accuracy. Average distance. Great colors and styles.
Con’s: Thin stream, will take many shots to fully wet down your standard issue dry t-shirt. Also, poor design with the stopper. It leaks and this can be an issue if you are using this as a holdout piece.
– Water balloon
Pro’s: Cheap, easy to use, devastating amount of water delivered. I like the grenade looking ones.
Con’s: Hard to fill and tie. Cheap rubber breaks on the faucet head regularly. Can only carry so many without the risk of popping one on yourself.
– Water syringe (pool toy)
Pro’s: Superior range and power all with a thinner rifle-style profile. Just push the handle forward and jet out the entire payload.
Con’s: Lack of ammo. This unit is made to be refilled by abundant pool water. Without that source, this weapon becomes a one shot pony. Like the rocket launcher of the water fight world.
– Super Soaker
Pro’s: the best water rifles in the world. Huge power, often insane capacity, and a fantastic look that screams cartoony sci-fi. I always wanted the one with the back pack.
Con’s: Heavy, expensive, takes two hands to operate (to pump, not shoot).
Pro’s: dumping a full bucket on someone is an instant kill. They will be completely saturated from head to toe in one shot.
Con’s: it’s clumsy, awkward and kind of barbaric.
Pro’s: The king of water weapons. The garden hose is just brutal. Even worse if it has a legit sprayer head or god-forbid, the power washer attachment. Can soak a set of twins in two seconds flat. Nothing shoots more water, faster. Almost seems unfair.
Con’s: The mobility. The hose is tethered to a fixed point making you a turret that can only fire when targets come into range. Also, your dad may come outside and yell at you for wasting water.
After you have selected the correct weapon for your skill set, it’s time to start thinking tactics. You need to use your brain as much as you use your trigger finger. Don’t take any water gun that will slow you down too much. Speed and evadability are the only things that will keep you dry. I like to roll with a few balloons and a medium sized super soaker. Toss the balloons first, make your enemy deal with that assault as you close ground and drench them.
When facing a squad with superior firepower, draw their fire and make them waste their ammo. Use their strength against them. Wait till their payload gets low and then strike. If facing a bully with a hose, then pick someone to play bait and distract the hoser, then sneak behind them and shut the power. Either at the source or just by kinking the hose.
Teamwork is huge. You can easily defeat larger numbers if you are coordinated and discipled. Resist the urge to just run around like a chicken with its head cut off. That’s how people get wet. Last note on strategy, you can’t soak a dripping foe. That means, someone will get blasted then just keep coming. They have nothing left to lose and are going to take everyone down with them. If you see this, then run, hide and regroup.
This is the easiest part. Have fun. Be safe. And you win. That means staying hydrated. I get that it’s weird to be drinking ammo during a battle but it’s hot out there. Also, think about wearing something on your feet with decent grip. Puddles, bare feet and a slippery porch sounds like a bad combo. So get some strappy sandals, some old sneakers or maybe a pair of those water shoes and you are good to go.
Water gun fights are the only wars I can support. Remember water dries, blood stains.