1-2-3-4. Let’s have a thumb war.
The first hand-to-hand combat that many school children learn. I love a good knuckle-tussle and no, that isn’t code for masturbation. Thumb wrestling is great because it isn’t about the size of the thumb but the power of the brain controlling it. This is everything you need to know. May I present, the ScoreBoredSports guide to Thumb Wrestling.
The rules change from bars to playgrounds but the basics are lock grips and using only your thumbs, battle until one player has pinned the other. The length of the pin count is the biggest regional variable. Some do a 3 count like WWE wrestling. Others keep the thumb trapped while saying “1-2-3-4, I just won the thumb war” before it’s considered a legal victory.
Both players must maintain a tight, fully locked grip. There is a tendency to pull away to help create new angles of attack but this is against the rules. If the hands move too far apart, then a reset should happen.
– The bait and switch
This classic technique works great but it’s playing with fire. Lower your thumb for an easy pin and wait for the last possible second to dodge then go over the top for the pin. This will surely draw your opponents attention but be careful. You may just hand them an easy victory.
– The sidewinder
Take your thumb as far outside as you can, then loop back and try to get behind the opposing digit. The simplest way to get gain leverage for a winning play. Everyone uses this move so timing is the key here. Maybe jab a few times then try.
– The monk
The master of frustrating defense. The basic principle here is to do very little and wait for the other player to make a mistake. After denying a few rounds of attacks wait for impatience to set in. They will do something risky, then you pounce.
Watch for the sneak attack
People are the worst. So expect everything terrible they may do. A popular cheating maneuver is to use the index finger to hook the thumb down for a quick pin. This horseshit will not stand. If someone does this to you then use your free hand to shove them as hard as you can. If for some reason your other arm is occupied (maybe holding a cold drink) then simply head-butt them in the face. This violence will no doubt get their attention plus it ensures you won’t get pinned. Careful though, a real fight may break out and SBS hasn’t made a ‘guide to’ for that yet.
Your thumbs are now armed with the white-knuckle knowledge to rule your domain. Remember to always stretch out before any contest. Don’t want to go into the big match cold. This ain’t hitch-hiking, it’s a war of the phalanges. Now get out there and give them hell.
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