SBS Guide to Rock Paper Scissors

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Published on : February 1, 2016

 

 

Who pays for beers? Who gets shotgun? Who drives drunk? These questions are often answered by a simple game. Some call it Rock Paper Scissors. Some call it Roshambo (or Roshambeau) but either way it is an apparently basic game that decides a big part of our life. Here is the ScoreBoredSports guide to winning Rock Paper Scissors.

 

Most People Throw Rock

¬†Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

 

Your hand is already in a fist position before you throw and choose your fate. So most novice players will select Rock because their hand is set at Rock. You panic and use the easiest thing available. I know Rock seems strong. An easy choice. I mean Dwayne Johnson is a beast. How could Rock not win? WRONG. If you are facing an obvious newb then clearly you need to throw PAPER. FTW! When in doubt, paper is your best friend. Eat it plastic.

 

Reference: The Simpsons

 

Rolling Papers

This is the Hippy answer. The one choice that covers but doesn’t kill. If you can identify your opponent as this classification then you can cut them to ribbons (with Scissors) and own the game. This section comes down to how well you know your enemy. People who choose Paper are frequently vegetarians, democrats, PBS supporters, and Amazon Prime users. Beware! These kind souls will lure you into a false sense of security and then pounce. Demanding signatures on PETA petitions and donations to Greenpeace. Counter with a full run with the Scissors. They say not to run with Scissors but screw them. It’s so fun.

 

Let’s Scissor

Running-with-scissors

 

Cut ties with your preconceived notions about how dope a double-bladed art supply can be. And “No” I’m not just saying this because ‘Big Scissor’ is paying me $8,000 a year AKA “above ground-pool” rich. Or LASIK rich, if that’s more your speed. If you use Scissors as your ‘Default’ then everyone will know you are “Loco.” The edges cut both ways. For example: you think you are facing an experienced player, so you assume they know that novices throw rock, so they will present Paper and you will win. But what if you walked into a true gamer’s trap? Then what? They offer a weak front, you bet large, they counter and destroy you. This is the new Vegas.

 

The Winner

Ultimately, one strategy isn’t fool proof. You need to assess and diagnose your opponent then make a split second decision. If you are facing a stranger then I go Paper, guessing they are a chump. If it’s your friend then try to figure out based on their personality which they will pick and throw accordingly. When in doubt, choose Paper. Because everyone throws Rock. And lastly, if you find yourself trapped in an infinite loop where you keeping matching and ending in a tie, then just pick whatever your enemy just picked and you will end it once and for all.

 

You got it? These are the secrets to winning at life’s most random game.

 

Bruno out!

 

 

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