Hey you! If you’re anything like me, you’ve been indulging yourself in the name of holiday cheer since last Halloween. While nothing may have mattered during the big sweater/heavy jacket season, spring is here now and you’ve got some extra pounds to shed along with those extra layers. Don’t worry. This is the ultimate guide to getting your baked potato off the couch and turning that body-at-rest into a WrestleMania body. This is the SBS Guide to Getting Into Spring Break Shape.
We’ve all heard the phrase, “my diet starts tomorrow,” because the hardest part of getting fit is getting started. That’s why you’re not going to exercise today. Relax. Take a load off. You’ll worry about that shit tomorrow.
But hold up — that doesn’t mean this is a free day. You’ve still got work to do. First, even though you haven’t hit the gym yet, let everyone know that you’re on a diet today. Tell them as soon as you see them. It’s a great conversation starter.
Second, do some research. Set yourself up for success by hitting the Internet and working out your routine for the week. Plan a workout routine that focuses on different muscle groups each day, and look up recipes that fit your new diet. This will come in handy later.
Third, and most importantly: working out requires work out music. Sit down and make a kickass playlist. High energy songs, only stuff that you love. At least 20 to 30 songs. Do it!
You can’t put it off any longer. Today’s the day. Don’t dread it, embrace it. Eat some protein, crank that playlist and start exercising.
Remember: it’s going to suck. Especially if you haven’t worked out in a while, then it’s really going to suck. You’re going to wind up a sweaty, tomato-faced blob by the time it’s over. The good news is that means that you did it right. Now eat some kale.
How you feeling? A little sore? Kinda hungry? The answer: change it up!
Everything about today should be different from yesterday. Work out different muscles and try some new recipes. Doesn’t this feel great? It’s like Day 1 (but actually Day 2 remember) all over again.
Change it up! Remember: variety is the spice of life. And Variety is a Hollywood newspaper that would write something like “Auds Applaud Hero’s Boffo Bod Mod” if they were reporting on you and your diet.
Things are definitely going to be tough today. It should feel good to exercise those sore muscles, but no, it does not. Your diet foods are all super delicious, but no, not as good as a cheeseburger and a beer. You need a morale booster, but not from your friends. Fuck those platitude-spouting jerks. What do they know? I don’t see them sweating it out with you.
Sit down and watch a movie from the “determination conquers all” genre. Need a suggestion? Start with the classics: Rocky, Rudy, or Aladdin.
Brace yourself. This is going to be the worst day of your week. You’re tired, hungry and your playlist sucks. The novelty of “being on a diet” or “changing your lifestyle” has completely worn off by now. Today you need support, and who better than you friends?
Invite a friend to lunch today. Make sure it’s someone who knows that you’re on a diet. Arrive before them. Overdress for the occasion, and I mean really look like a million bucks. And when you order, stick to your diet foods.
Sure, you’re fishing for compliments. And if they’re any kind of friend, they’ll throw them at you faster than you can accept them. You might make them feel bad, but you’re going to feel good.
CHEAT DAY MOTHERFUCKER!!!
After being a slave to your routine all week, this is your official day of the week to do you.
Repeat Day 1.
Was that so hard? No, I didn’t think so. Now do that until you feel better about yourself.