Bowling rules. Where else can overweight midwesterners truly shine? Besides in sausage eating contests and saying please and thank you. So let’s hope it’s not a league night as we get into this ScoreBoredSports Guide to Bowling. AKA American’s REAL favorite past time. I mean President Harry Truman added a bowling alley to the West Wing back in 1947.
Before we can sit down and pick our hilarious name for the score sheet, we need to handle some business. First, we need to rent shoes, unless you own your own. In that case, you should stop reading because you are a bowling superfan and you probably have your own ball. Okay, you got your shoes, now you need beer. I suggest pitchers so you don’t have to keep going back to the bar. Pro tip, when the pitcher is empty make the loser of the next frame buy the next round. Also, many bowling alleys offer pricing by game or by hour. Hour seems like you can rush and get more in but that is rarely the case. Go by the game, take your time, screw around and have a blast.
The ball. Local lanes have many options. Most important thing when picking a public use rock is the finger hole fit. You want a ball that you can grip comfortably. Next, look for the weight. Nothing too light but not crazy heavy either, you want to be able to whip that sucker. But you want some heft to balance out your shaky hand motions. And don’t ignore the color. I go for pink or any bright/sexy color.
Choose your order and punch your handles into the lane computer. Old machines only allow three letters so stick with classics: POO, ASS, WTF, LOL, FUK, you get it. If you are lucky enough to have a modern rig that will allow full artistic license then please get creative. I normally call myself something like “Baby” or go with Top Gun reference. If you are at a location that doesn’t have any computer and you are forced to score your own game then bravo, you picked a dope place to roll. Scoring by hand isn’t crazy hard but it takes some explaining and I don’t want to get too technical. The major thing to remember is that a strike is worth 20 and affects the next two frames. Spares are worth 10 and affect the next frame. You get a bonus for getting a mark in consecutive frames.
Alright, we got our shoes, ball, beer and nickname. Time to roll. Make sure to follow through after you throw. Leave that hand out there, like an NBA three point specialist. When playing with amateurs, your second shot becomes the most important. The player who can pick up the most spares will win. Obviously, you want to knock them all down in one shot but that’s not how it goes if you aren’t a regular. If you are lucky enough to get a strike make sure you have a good dance or fist pump ready to go. Turn to your friends and give them the old DX Suck it.
Honestly, that’s all the advice you need. Bowling is fun. It’s throwing stuff at other stuff. Our base human instinct loves this. Keep the frames flowing ’til your wrist hurts. If for some reason you aren’t having a great time then go to the bar, get a mixed drink and some quarters and enjoy any number of games the alley surely has. Darts, pool, arcade, claw machine. Don’t forget to order some food too. Maybe nachos.
Some quote from The Big Lebowski.