Entries by: Antoine Poutine

Good vs. Evil: World Football’s Beautiful Struggle

Written by :
Published on : August 30, 2016

 

 

For the undecided, uninitiated fan, world football can seem like an overwhelming array of options. The biggest teams on the planet have distinct histories, often colliding with world politics. Did you know that SS Lazio, in Rome, was Mussolini’s team? That Real Madrid was Francisco Franco’s team?

 

The point I’m trying to make here is that good and evil really do exist on the football field. Nowadays, that doesn’t always mean that a dictator is your squad’s key supporter; aspects of the game itself, like style of play, also inform whether a team is playing good football or evil football.

 

To understand this dichotomy, let’s start with defining “good” football. Morally just football is, for lack of a better way to put it, beautiful. Think the Tika-taka of Barcelona, Spain’s national team 2008-12, and, most importantly, the Total Football of Ajax and that Dutch national team of the 70’s under Rinus Michels. In addition to Johan Cruyff and Michels, perhaps the most iconic evangelist of beautiful football was former Argentinian World Cup-winning national coach Cesar Luis Menotti, known as “El Flaco” (“The Skinny One,” or as I like to translate, “The Thin Man”).

 

menotti

 

Menotti was as much coach as political philosopher. The iconic image is of Menotti with a cigarette in hand, expounding on the core values of football and politics, and the intertwined nature of the two: 

“There’s a right-wing football and a left-wing football. Right-wing football wants to suggest that life is struggle. It demands sacrifices. We have to become of steel and win by any method … obey and function, that’s what those with power want from the players.”

The present-day inheritor of the progressive world football mantle is Pep Guardiola, the progenitor of Barcelona’s Tika-Taka revolution and current Manchester City Coach. Considered one of the finest minds in coaching, Guardiola has won the Champions League, the Bundesliga and Spanish championships, and defined a generation of fluid, attacking football. With Lionel Messi, arguably the game’s greatest-ever player, flanked by some of the greatest-ever passers in Xavi and Andres Iniesta, Barcelona under Guardiola played some of the most beautiful and controlled football the globe has ever seen.

 

 

On the other end of the spectrum is fascist football. This distinguishes itself from teams who were or are actually supported by fascists. Fascist football is a style that priorities the win by any means necessary. Often referred to as anti-football, goals come at the highest premium in favor of drilled, staunch defending. The figurehead for anti-football is legendary manager Helenio Herrera, another Argentinian who believed, with a fervor similar to El Flaco, in the primacy of the team. Herrera, however, coached the legendary Inter Milan teams (as well as Barca, later) using a now-outdated Catenaccio (meaning “chain”) formation that featured a sweeper and four defenders, relying on a rapid counter-attack.

 

Here, too, the modern game has a clear inheritor: Jose Mourinho. Jose’s track record might be viewed as the greatest of all time: Championships in four different leagues (a feat matched only by three other managers) and European championships with three different clubs. Yet the means by which Jose has achieved this inviolate brilliance has been, quite literally, an evocation of Herrera’s methodically controlled, anti-football spirit. Mourinho’s by-any-means tactics, oft-uninspiring one-goal wins, and psychological subterfuge aimed at players, staff, fans, and media alike, indicate that, unlike Herrera, Mourinho’s heart beats darkly, pumping venom through the veins of his system.

 

 

Far be it from me to over-analyze the political heart of a soccer coach, but here I go anyway: Jose Mourinho’s family has historical ties to the Fascist Estado Novo regime in Portugal. Mourinho’s political views “are believed to be strongly right wing,” and his mother was taken in by an uncle who was “a sardine cannery boss who grew rich under the far-right regime of dictator Antonio de Oliveira Salazar, [Jose’s mother] grew up in a mansion surrounded by servants and political intrigue.” Is it possible his desire to crush the very essence of human spirit stems from these hinted-at fascist leanings? Okay, perhaps that’s a bit much, but I bet if you asked Eva Carneiro she’d have a thing or two to say about Jose’s leadership style.

 

For those in search of meaning amid the tumult of club football season, just take a look at the pitch and see what’s going on. Are players making runs, crafting multilayered attacks, keeping possession, and trying to do cool stuff? Or are they just slowing the game down and booting it, spring-loading a harried counterattack, parking the bus behind the ball otherwise, and waiting for the other team to make a mistake?

 

Each of these strategies can win games, leagues, and championships. But in the words of El Flaco:

“I want to win the match. But I don’t give in to tactical reasoning as the only way to win, rather I believe that efficacy is not divorced from beauty.”

 

O jogo bonito, as they say.

 

 


Why Do the Red Wings Need a Lead Defenseman?

Written by :
Published on : July 11, 2016

 

 

Say what you will about General Manager Kenneth Mark Holland, but the man will do things. Inaction has never been a criticism of a Detroit Red Wings front office that was once feared and revered by NHL general managers and players alike. There was a time when, with a fell swoop, the likes of Brett Hull, Chris Chelios, Brian Rafalski, and Marian Hossa would join the already-legendary Wings locker room. These days, Hockeytown’s faithful are happy when that activity just turns out to be neutral, scarred by (among other ill-fated transactions) a Stephen Weiss debacle that remains one of the great disasters in the history of Red Wings free agency.

 

Dealt a poor hand at this summer’s outset when my father, Pavel Datsyuk, announced his retirement, King Kenny sat upon his Westeros-style carbon fiber and aluminum stick throne and somehow maneuvered an escape from the awful cap recapture penalty that would have sapped millions of dollars in flexibility. He showed the world he still had some juju by way of that draft-day deal in which he traded back a few spots in the draft for an extra pick and the right not to have an empty cap-hit on the books. Not bad, but for some reason Wings fans used this as a springboard to prime themselves for a gilded entrance into “The Stamkos Race,” as if there wasn’t an enormous problem in the back end to address first.

 

 

Quickly missing out on one of the game’s elite players is forgivable considering nobody else got a sniff, either. The door was closed before Holland could get a foot in. However, the velocity with which it slammed shut begs the important question of why any “star” would want to join a team without a best defender in the first place. Having the space without the structure will never appeal to the mega-stars; ask Kevin Durant about that one.

 

Niklas Kronwall Is Not A First-Pairing NHL Defenseman

It’s somewhat surprising that the once-vaunted Red Wings defense has actually put up great numbers over the past few years. Since 2014, the Wings have the lowest defensive zone start percentage in the NHL, indicating that the puck just isn’t near the Wings’ goal all that much. Similarly, the Wings rank 9th in overall goals against in that span. That’s pretty solid!

 

Last year, however, the deeply ineffective power-play, with its affinity for allowing short-handed goals, shone light through a key crack in the wall: Niklas Kronwall is simply no longer equipped to be more than a second-pairing defender. His personal numbers are awful. He was minus-21 last year, and hasn’t had a plus-season since 2011. He scored 26 points in 64 games, looked sluggish and more than a step behind, and almost never deployed the once-beloved bone-crushing hits that used to be a trademark. The advanced numbers are astonishingly bad:

 

Kronwall Decline
Courtesy of http://stats.hockeyanalysis.com/

 

Kronwall has become a possession liability on a team that has dominated possession numbers in the NHL for years. His Corsi For%, a metric that aims to measure a player’s impact upon how many shots are directed towards the opponent’s net, has fallen dramatically for four years, to the point that Kronner’s numbers were net-negative last year. He’s not effective on the power play, and it could be argued that the yearly wear-and-tear of being asked to embody the twin-archetypes of the Red Wings Ideal Defenseman has taken its toll. He never possessed the composed offensive genius of Nicklas Lidstrom, nor the terrifying physical presence of Vladimir Konstantinov.

 

The Wings Don’t Have A Best Defenseman

Detroit is a long ways away from the time when its defense was a certainty. Arguably the greatest modern defenseman there ever was, Lidstrom’s soothing, angelic aura guaranteed stability even when he wasn’t on the ice. The Red Wings have never hurt for talent, but I was surprised while scanning rosters from the Red Wings dominant era from ‘97-09 to find that the defense wasn’t actually all that impressive in 2002, Scotty Bowman’s final, Stanley Cup-winning year:

 

Red Wings D 2002
Courtesy of http://www.hockey-reference.com/

 

Despite that core’s limitations (it probably didn’t hurt to have Dominik Hasek between the pipes), the presence of competent puck-moving defensemen to complement Lidstrom’s perfection, with Chelios’ experience and Dandenault’s speed, served as an invaluable way to ensure that there was talent on more than one line to get the puck out of the zone and into productive areas. This stood out even more so in other championship years:

 

1997-98: Lidstrom, Larry Murphy, Slava Fetisov, Vladimir Konstantinov
2002: Lidstrom, Chris Chelios, Matthieu Dandenault
2009: Lidstrom, Brian Rafalski, Kronwall, DEREK MEECH*

*May not have served an important role in any way

 

One thing that we know for sure is that The God Lidstrom is not lacing up those skates again. Looking to the Red Wings current roster, just a bit past the heinous bog vapors of Kronwall and frequent line-mate Jonathan Ericsson, Brendan Smith actually posts some very good Corsi numbers, and has been a fan favorite for his grit, bravery, and willingness to not try and fight Zdeno Chara and embarrass us all. His improved ability to forcefully carry the puck out of the zone, and the reduction of his abysmal turnover habit, might make him a neat fit for that 1-B defender role, which is a sign of hope on a roster stocked with capable but flawed 2nd and 3rd-liners like Mike Green, Danny Dekeyser, and Alexey Marchenko. But there’s nothing to indicate that anyone on the Red Wings as they are currently composed can fulfill the role of a number-one defenseman.

 

The market remains foggy as to what it will take to get that rare, competent first-pairing defender. Showing a bit more swag, Holland made it clear that he wouldn’t be fleeced for teenage star Dylan Larkin in trade discussions with the St. Louis Blues for standout Kevin Shattenkirk, as was the case when Edmonton GM Peter Chiarelli recently traded 24 year-old human bullet Taylor Hall for pretty okay guy Adam Larsson. At this point, if they want a real lead defender, Wings fans might have to steel themselves for an “anyone but Larkin” package and count on saying goodbye to a favorite like Tomas Tatar, Gustav Nyquist, a youngster like Anthony Mantha or Andreas Athanasiou, or even more.

 

Stats Courtesy of Stats.HockeyAnalysis.com and hockey-reference.com

 

 


Why They Can Win: NBA Finals

Written by :
Published on : June 2, 2016

 

 

The Golden State Warriors just crawled from a dark hole with incredible and triumphant feats of basketball fury. The Cleveland Cavaliers have been been patiently waiting, loaded and fully healthy. These NBA finals are far from a repeat of last year, as the tired Warriors will face up against a transformed Cleveland team that paces and spaces, with less reliance on last year’s bully-ball. There are also new questions, like how the Dubs will play after a truly legendary performance against an Oklahoma City Thunder team that took them to the limit? Here’s why each team can win.

 

Golden State Warriors:

Klay and Steph

 

Legendary Shooting

The fact that Klay Thompson and Steph Curry play on the same team is historically unfair, as these two will surely stack up as two of the five greatest shooters of all time. So it can’t be ignored that at any point, no matter what you do, either one of these guys might decide to casually open the Ark of the Covenant, like in Game Six of the Western Conference Finals, when Klay dropped ELEVEN THREES. If the Thunder couldn’t handle it, the Cavs certainly don’t have the defensive tools.

 

Adaptability

Steve Kerr and the players acquitted themselves equally well in the Conference finals, as the team demonstrated that they can handle changing on the fly to adapt to the matchups. When it became clear that Harrison Barnes and Andre Iguodala needed to swap places for the sake of Iguodala’s defense of Durant, the team was able to do that. Cool heads prevailed, egos were checked, and they showed that they can take a champion’s knockout blow and come back swinging.

 

Draymond vs. Any Cavalier Not Named LeBron

Save for LeBron, I don’t think there’s a single player on the Cavs that has either the mental or testicular fortitude, both literally speaking, to withstand the veritable onslaught that is Draymond Green. How many times did we see Draymond intensely staring down someone nine feet taller than him in the last series, fearless and victorious? Steven Adams is as tough as they come, and held up admirably. Kevin Love? Super-talented marshmallow. Channing Frye, Richard Jefferson, Tristan Thompson? Perhaps only the latter has the physique to match up with Draymond’s octo-hands, but doesn’t have the offensive skill. He’ll be in their heads, grills, and business.

 

Cleveland Cavaliers: 

Lebronkyrielove

 

Fresh Bodies

Although a marshmallow, Kevin Love gets buckets, passes the ball sharply, and rebounds. Pair that with Kyrie Irving’s health, and that’s a major duo of talent to buoy LeBron. He’s the star, but now he can take up different spots on the floor, especially in the post with Kevin Love providing space in the corner. With that capability, the floor’s balance changes, and Matthew Dellavedova’s hideous game stays on the bench for longer.

 

Fresh Voices

It has to matter that the Cavaliers no longer hate their coach. For all of David Blatt’s competence, it’s well-established that he was disliked by the players, and that he was openly ignored in time-outs. We all saw it live. I think LeBron “changing the plays” is an idiotic narrative since this is something entrusted to almost every team’s best player, no less the best player on earth. But still, players seemed to cross the line from dislike to disrespect, and that’s not a formula for success. It’s unclear to me whether it was LeBron’s willpower that helped to right the ship against the Raptors in the Eastern Finals, or whether Tyronn Lue simply reminded the players that they were much better than the opponent. Either way, they got there with relatively little pain involved. They got through the entirety of these playoffs by playing coherent, then crisp, and then deadly offense. Something is clearly working.

 

Fresh Stories

If LeBron is one thing, he’s aware. No, wait — it’s great at basketball. Regardless, he’s extremely aware of the narrative in this playoffs and how this might affect the story of his career. LeBron is a multifaceted ingenious billionaire who is arguably the greatest athlete of all time —  he knows what people are saying about Steph, about the Warriors and greatness. He knows what it would mean for him to tear down that hegemony like the totem poles being pulled down by unruly campers at Kamp Krusty. Mix that awareness with the indefatigable brilliance of his game, that he’s at once the living-breathing best passer in the world and the most unstoppable penetrator in the game, and the results could be deadly for the Dubs.

 

 

Who will triumph, and who will fall apart?  Will LeBron’s greatness overcome two-time MVP Steph Curry and the all-time force that is a 73-win juggernaut? The NBA Finals begin June 2nd, so stay with ScoreBoredSports for all takes, both hot and too hot to handle.

 

 


Kings of the game: 21

Written by :
Published on : May 29, 2016

 

 

Chances are, if you grew up playing basketball in some capacity, you’re familiar with the rules of the game 21. My first time playing, I was not. Mainly because I didn’t understand the concept of tipping the ball back in—any buckets I drained were usually zeroed out within moments. Nobody told me what to do. Nobody spared me the embarrassment. Part of the beauty of the game is that it’s you against the world, a showcase for the arsenal of shots, fakes, and (in my case) fancy turnovers at your disposal.

 

Given that the game is so different from traditional 5-on-5 basketball, an important question arises: who is the greatest 21 player of all time? Is it just MJ, hands down the GOAT? What about the other Goat, street hoops legend Earl Manigault, famed for snatching quarters from the tops of backboards? Perhaps the greatest 21 player of all time isn’t even a basketball player; maybe, for some reason, it’s Charlie Adam, currently a reserve player for Stoke City FC in the Barclays Premier League.

 

 

The ScoreBoredSports hoops-loving staff asks this question in the heat of the playoffs, while our minds are most finely attuned to the rhythms of Dr. Naismith’s beautiful game.

 

Antoine Poutine’s pick: Allen Iverson

My candidate is the absolute embodiment of three of what I believe are the game of 21’s most crucial aspects.

 

 

Shot Making: If you can’t put the ball in the basket, there’s little hope of staying competitive for very long. Knockout versions of the game might even get you bounced altogether. So a great 21 player needs to be able to get past his man and create a shot, but also make the damn thing. AI, the Answer, is pound-for-pound the greatest shot-maker in the history of basketball.

 

Stealing the ball: If you don’t have the ball in 21, you can’t win the game. Getting it back is priority number one if you’ve lost it. There also aren’t any team-defense concepts out there, no wrinkles, no zone. Just rip the damn ball from your man. AI is the NBA single-game playoff record holder for steals with 10 (!) against the Orlando Magic in 1999. He’s 12th all-time in career steals in the NBA.

 

Me against the World: Nobody better embodies what’s at the core of 21, which is to prove yourself on your own merits. No practice, no team, no teammates. Just your game. Allen Iverson is the purest gamer in basketball’s history, for better and worse. It doesn’t make him the all-time greatest player, but perhaps the one best suited for the brutal gauntlet that is 21.

 

Bruno Tysh’s pick: Kevin Durant

He can literally do it all. He has the size and skill perfect for the iso play of 21.

 

KD flex

 

OffenseKD excels at creating his own shot. He can use his dribble to either get off a clean jumper or just straight power to the basket. I don’t see many defenders with the size and speed to guard him effectively.

 

Defense: The length is the key here. That wingspan allows him to stay a step back while still being all over you. Durant also has the foot speed to recover and make a play at the rim. Dude will swat some shots.

 

Tip ins: This ends the conversation. If any opponent misses then Durant will be right there for the tip in. Guy is tall and can jump out the gym, so good luck. Only way to beat KD could be to never miss. Ever.

 

Alex Jag’s pick: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Before LeBron, before Jordan, before Magic, there was Kareem (and before ’71 there was Lew, but it’s kind of confusing).

 

 

Offense: Two words: Sky hook. If you watch the above video you can see that that shit is damn near unstoppable. How in the hell do you defend something like that? Kareem was a beast with the ball in his hand. He could drive the ball down the court and once he did he would use his 7’2″ frame to create space and just go up over the top of you and drop the ball in the net. With either hand! Try to tell me anyone else on this list could defend that.

 

Defense: The key here is Kareem’s shot blocking ability. Any one of these other guys who try to put the ball up are going to be in for a rude awakening. Kareem had the height and the jumping ability to send that basketball right back in their face. He was the NBA blocks leader four times and was selected to eleven All-NBA defensive teams.

 

Tip ins: This one relates to his defensive abilities. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was a tall, big body that barely had to try to get himself up to the rim. This game would just be too easy for him. Plus, he was great in Airplane!

 

Phred Brown’s Pick: Reggie Miller

These are the things you need to win a game of 21: great shooting, even better free throw shooting, a little bit of height and a sharp tongue. For these reasons, I believe Reggie Miller would be the greatest threat in a game of 21.

 

 

Offense: By the time someone steps out to play D, he’s already hit a three. With his great free throw shooting, be prepared watch him run the table. The post-up, mid range game is not much of a factor in 21. If you are winning 21, you’re either a big man living off the tip-in or a good outside shooter. Reggie Miller being one of the best in the latter category.

 

Defense: Miller is long enough to grab an errant rebound and all he needs is one. And seeing as there are many guys behind you waiting to play defense, incredible stopping ability isn’t needed. Reggie is better off hanging outside the lane and looking for steals or rebounds.

 

X factor: He can talk some good trash all while hitting shots.

 

 

Did we leave out your favorite baller? And don’t say Air Bud. Drop your non-canine thoughts in the comments below.

 

Game.

 

 


Power Kings: Leceister Wins It All

Written by :
Published on : May 3, 2016

 

 

By now you’ve read the numbers, the plaudits, the hyperbole and celebration of it all. All deserved, scraped and fought for, Leceister City won the Barclays Premier League without actually playing on Monday. It was the heated cross-town rivalry between Tottenham Hotspurs and Chelsea Oligarchs that determined the champions’ fate. Chelsea roared back to tie Tottenham and hamstring the Spurs’ last hopes of keeping up with the Fearless Foxes.

 

This year’s Leceister FC was a panacea for international football. They were such a force of luck, energy, positivity, and consistency, that everything seemed to be written. They were pulled together through excellent scouting, redemptive second-chances, and hard work. There were no big-money transfers — N’Golo Kante cost less than £10 million, chump change in a league ruled by oil money.

 

NGolo-Kante

 

Even when Jamie Vardy revealed that he isn’t the greatest dude, then scored in eleven straight games, the narrative remained relentless. Although Vardy popped in the most goals, the beating heart of the team’s attack was Riyad Mahrez, whose timeliness, touch, and sense of space created as many goals. Unsurprising that he was named the player of the year in the Premier League.

 

The team had spine. The triad of N’Golo Kante, footballing golem Robert Huth, and team captain Wes Morgan all combined as a formidable shield for 2nd-generation starting Premier League goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel. Kante prowled the field with speed and ferocity like a Strong Safety, never putting a wrong foot or mis-timing a tackle. Huth and Morgan were mobile pillars, dominant in the air and just fast enough to survive. Austrian Bundesliga castoff, Christian Fuchs, was a learned presence on the flank and provided reliable crossing service.

 

There’s also the luck. Leceister used the fewest players of any team this season, 23. Once famed for being such a restless manager they called him “The Tinkerman,” Claudio Ranieri barely changed his lineup all year. He barely had to, sustaining few injuries throughout the year. This, more than anything, is the most un-repeatable aspect of Leceister’s title.

 

Vardy

 

Though if you saw him, Ranieri’s kindly visage might make you wonder what he was doing not feeding ducks bread at a pond, he played luck’s harp expertly. He retained the assistant coaching staff so the players wouldn’t hate him. He made Jamie Vardy not shoot in practice, so as to have more time to be racist in private. This worked out in heavenly fashion, as everyone was essentially healthy for the entire year, they all loved and fought for each other, and they turned out to be champions.

 

The solution might not be billions, or a “special” manager, or galactic star power. Sometimes it’s more about the lightning and how you catch it.

 

 


The Sports-Observer’s Paradox

Written by :
Published on : February 6, 2016

 

 

 

According to noted scholar Erwin Tillinghast’s Wikipedia page, the Observer’s Paradox is described thusly:

 

In the social sciences, (and physics and experimental physics,) the observer’s paradox refers to a situation in which the phenomenon being observed is unwittingly influenced by the presence of the observer/investigator

 

The implication, then, is that the mere act of observation itself has the power to affect that which is being observed, including its outcome.  So it’s not unreasonable for me to assume that when I watch a game, I have a certain and unique influence on the score.  As a fan, knowing this inarguable fact is validating and, perhaps, delusional.  Surely, ritualistically kissing my Vladimir Konstantinov and Sergei Mnastakanov “Believe” patch, yet to be sewn onto my Darren McCarty Jersey, had a singular sway on the ’98 Detroit Red Wings-Washington Capitals Stanley Cup Final!

 

But taken to its logical extreme, this reality can also have terrible consequences.  For instance: that yellowish (not maize) Block-M shirt I wear? A definite bad luck charm for the University of Michigan Football team, but good for the Men’s Basketball team.  Skip watching a Wings home game? Whoops, turns out Larkin scored four hat-tricks.  Watch the next game, and it’s another third period meltdown.  What happens when the Sports-Observer’s Paradox goes wrong?

 

This Sports-Observer’s Paradox covers the unfortunate experience of your viewership befouling the entire existence of a high-level athlete.  Every time you watch this supposed all-star, it’s anything but an all-star experience.  They can’t hit a shot! You also know the feeling too well, when your friends are talking about Athlete X and glowing about that one goal or that clutch shot; you’re confused, because you know that this player is hyped and popular, but you thought at least your buds would get it.  Each time you watch Athlete X, they’re stumbling over themselves, dribbling in circles, or shooting the puck / ball / whatever out of bounds to the benefit of nobody.  Are you somehow ruining these fools?

 

Hockey: Rick Nash

(stats courtesy of Hockey-Reference.com)

The story to tell here is not so complicated.  Every time I watch this guy, he becomes a sluggy vortex of avarice, happier to shoot the puck in the general direction of the goal than to pass it to a teammate.  I guess it’s okay to be a big goal-scorer if you’re a prolific beast who hits and pelters the goal with a hailstorm of galvanized fury; Rick Nash is a marshmallow.  He’s a gummy, semi-hardened marshmallow that’s been through the ringer, but still a marshmallow.  He’s a goal scorer that doesn’t score enough to be such a terrible creator and provider.  He needs to give up the rock.  Shit or get off the pot, as they say.

 

Rick Nash Regular Season Stats

 

Nash is likely to plop a goal in when I’m not watching, but since he joined New York, he’s played dozens of nationally televised games.  Many of these came during the last two years, during which time Nash’s Rangers played 44 playoff games.  That’s two deep Stanley Cup runs, which can be a drain both physically and mentally when a player is locked in.  But when a player is Rick Nash, they only score EIGHT TIMES IN FORTY-FOUR GAMES.    That’s $8 Million a year well-spent!  Gotta love an all-star that excels when it doesn’t matter, and makes no one around him better.  Rick Nash: deadly once every six games.

 

To be fair, many, many other people have also seen this version of Rick Nash.

 

Rick Nash Playoff Stats

 

 

Soccer: Arjen Robben

It’s not even a secret, but rather a defining trait: Arjen Robben has a signature move.  He cuts left.  He has a very, very deadly left foot.  He loves his left foot.

 

 

He loves it for a reason. One would think that this predictability would be a tremendous Achilles’ heel, and every time I watch him, that looks to be true.  He’s maddeningly predictable, but not just in that move; his featherlight, dainty paws are vulnerable to tackles, grass, wind, and strong emotions.  If an opponent feels a powerful sense of ennuí, Robben is likely to fall over and draw an unwarranted card.  Yet…

 

Robben Fall

 

…It works! But still, fuck this guy, right?  What a flamboyantly aggressive display of spinelessness.  I actually saw this moment, which was technically a very positive outcome for the Dutch national team.  But what’s good for the Oranje is not always good for the sport. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that the unbecoming flair of this floppery is directly caused by the incompetence of all soccer refereeing, but still — it’s not a good look.  Whenever I watch Robben, this is the best he can do.  I always miss the incredible moments that are apparently happening.

 

You look at that, and it’s easy to say that these lousy Barcelona defenders are fools to have put themselves in such a vulnerable position only to fall prey to a guy who can’t even use his right foot!  He ALWAYS CUTS LEFT.

 

Robben cuts right

 

HE GOES… to his right foot

…Except when he doesn’t.  But of course,  I’m always at work at that time, and I never see those moments, or any of the other brilliant, shameless antics.  So he remains a craven chump to me.

 

The examples go on and on, such as the excellent quarterback mirage of Carson Palmer 2014-15; Kyrie Irving, the best player on the planet that I’ve never seen do anything on the court when there are any sort of stakes; ditto for NHL goalkeeper Roberto Luongo.  Is this the result of some faulty alignment of all the parallel universes in existence? A tear in the space-time continuum? String theory?

 

The ScoreBoredSports Science Division is currently hard at work researching this phenomenon in our secret hydroponic laboratory.  While we wait for the answers, you, the reader, can help by asking yourselves: which athlete is your paradox?

 

 


ScoreBoredSports NFL Staff Picks: Week 17

Written by :
Published on : January 2, 2016

 

 

Well folks, it’s been an incredible year making picks for the all the SBS staff. We’re a bunch of smart motherfuckers. Though there was a heated competition and I am currently a distant second, I will make my boldest prediction yet: I will become the ScoreBoredSports NFL Staff Picks Champion. In fact, here is an excerpt of my acceptance speech:

 

 

But the real point here is more exposé than anything. What the hell got into SBS Editor and possible PED user Bruno? Here we are in a two-man race between myself and Ryan, comfortable on our laurels, when all of a sudden this dude Bruno gets the Shining and mounts a ridiculous comeback. In the last five weeks he’s been among the top two in picks, including blowing us all (out of the water) this past week. Sick of it. Someone needs to dig up the dirt.

 

Moving on, the trickiest game on the slate this week for me to pick was the Cardinals – Seahawks matchup, mainly because they’re both damn good.  The game is in Arizona, but there’s very little at stake for the Cards, already having won the NFC west, while Seattle and Russell Wilson were straight up Megachurching everyone in their path before that unfortunate Rams loss (yes, when it applies to Russell Wilson on the football field, I believe “Megachurch” can be used as a verb). That loss makes this game critical for the Seabirds, not so much for the Sandbirds, so I went with Seattle.

 

That about does it for the ScoreBoredSports NFL Staff Picks for this year.  Thanks so much to the readers, we sincerely hope that you made money gambling illegally, using our tried-and-true methods of nonsense.  Here’s to a great end of the NFL season, playoffs, Super Bowl, and hopefully a Roger Goodell Satan-worshipping scandal in the off-season.

 

My New Year’s resolution for 2016:

 

 

Week 17

 

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4

Week 5

Week 6

Week 7

Week 8

Week 9

Week 10

Week 11

Week 12

Week 13

Week 14

Week 15

Week 16

 

 


Barclays Premier League: Christmas Carousel

Written by :
Published on : December 30, 2015

 

 

For anyone interested in watching footy in America, the Christmas season is unparalleled. Many teams in Barclays Premier League play an absurd three matches in a week, eschewing all reasonable expectations for the human body to maintain itself. Luckily, teams like Arsenal have already gone through their yearly pandemic of injuries, so hopefully the Gunners are now in the clear, especially after persevering to a relatively successful holiday slate.

 

The highlight of this Christmas season was Tuesday’s match between Premiership contenders Leceister City and Manchester City, in second and third place, respectively. It was a fascinating, albeit scoreless contest, as English football’s pre-eminent economic powerhouse, Manchester City, battled the upstart Leceister City. Leceister rode in on an unlikely wave of brilliance from a trio of unheralded players in Riyad Mahrez, Jamie Vardy, and N’Golo Kante. The teams were surprisingly even, as City’s big guns couldn’t find any fluid combinations. Their best chances came by way of Raheem Sterling and his highly-overrated jet boosters; on the other side, each of the aforementioned troika had various opportunities borne of Leceister’s high pressure.

 

Yet the most buzzy match was clearly Monday’s supposed clash of titans, Manchester United and Chelsea. Each team has experienced its own brand of turmoil of late, with both managers being raked over the coals by the petulant English media. Whereas Jose Mourinho was the architect of his own demise as Chelsea’s season collapsed, Louis Van Gaal has had to navigate a morass of impulsive criticism about a fairly bad, but not disastrous run of form.

 

 Van Gaal

 

Van Gaal’s problem has stemmed from the appearance that his team is bereft of creativity; similarly, many of the transfers under Van Gaal have not panned out fully (Darmian, Schweinsteiger, Schneiderlin) or fizzled out terribly (Depay, Di Maria). It was clear, however, that on Monday, Manchester United was a team that simply was having hard luck. Absurdly inconsistent officiating, two shots off the woodwork, and near-misses all contributed to an ineffectual afternoon. But the performance was dominant in possession and they generated far more chances than did Chelsea. Anthony Martial, arguably Van Gaal’s best signing, continues to look like the next Thierry Henry; the 19 year-old may not be there yet, but he’s special. Juan Mata similarly buzzed around the pitch. Even Ander Herrera, another holdover from the David Moyes era of acquisitions, looked like a heady contributor.

 

On the opposite side, Chelsea looked like a team that was utterly psychologically broken. Their play was so disjointed that it seemed more a collection of talented athletes who may or may not have had any experience at all playing soccer. This is the indelible mark of Jose Mourinho, the Special One, the coach with a personality (disorder) that is inexorably stamped on all of his teams. The lovely problem Jose brings to bear is that his team has been so stamped with his personality that they are now flattened into oblivion. It’s almost as if, with every basic pass misfired, every buffoonish first touch, the voice of Jose remains in the heads of these players, undermining and second-guessing every decision.

 

 Mourinho

 

Last year the Telegraph published an article about sports psychology in football, describing “positive self-talk,” a key strategy used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The idea is that the more positive things you tell yourself, the more positive influence that has on neuro-psychological functioning:

“Negativity and criticism is associated with the stress hormone cortisol, which reduces the ability of the frontal lobe to function effectively. Positive, energized language releases dopamine, which is linked to certainty and confidence, as well as noradrenaline and DHEA which enable your prefrontal lobe to fire more effectively.”

 

Jose’s lingering ghost serves an opposite function; after all, he’s the manager whose work is “betrayed” by players. A manager who berates team doctors. Jose has a flair for maddening opponents with the perfect cutting remark. Imagine the cumulative effect this type of personality has on the players; no wonder Jose flames out of every job after a few years.

 

 

This is why Monday’s listless, scoreless draw in which Manchester dominated and Chelsea looked a disaster was such pleasurable schadenfreude. The rumor mill churns, and the folks at Old Trafford are considering bringing old Jose on to replace the venerable Van Gaal, as if no manager is ever afforded the benefit of the doubt amid a run of bad luck. It’s a dangerous game to look past the picket fence and long for greener grass; there is little guarantee that anything will improve. Even with one of football’s most accomplished managers in Mourinho, the coaching carousel can be a treacherous ride. Judging from Monday’s Chelsea performance, Manchester United’s faithful may want to consider staying on their current horse for the time being.

 

 


The Right Way in Missouri

Written by :
Published on : November 12, 2015

 

In my real life, far away from my warm echo chamber of Detroit sports-boosting, I’m a counselor and I work with high schoolers. Recently one of my sharp youngsters and I engaged in a truly productive conversation about race.  Familiar concepts arose: “reverse racism,” Racism being a thing of the past; it called for a balance of empathy and information.  Luckily my student was equal parts receptive and skeptical.  A week later the conversation continued and elaborated.  Issues such as microaggression and aggression, Racism as a system, and the ultimate need for a word I didn’t use, but a concept understood: humility.  Being willing to learn.

 

Overt racism still exists but covert racism is the real problem we face today.

 

Facts and figures were discussed.  One great advantage of the internet age is being able to summon the truth like a wizard; just Google “Handsome NFL Picks Genius” and all of my articles will pop up.  Suffice it to say that the information is widely accessible to many people who choose to look away.  One in Three black men will go to prison within their lifetime. The numbers go on and on and told a grisly story, one that elicited a: “Woah. That’s fucked up.”   Yet this practice is hidden from so many young eyes, in plain daylight.  Although that overt aggression exists, the underbelly persists with equal ferocity.  The covert, micro-aggressive messages might not tell people of color they’re not allowed to drink from certain fountains, but they surely continue to receive messages telling them they’re not welcome.

 

Of course, the conversation was less didactic than I present it, and tinged with far more depth, reciprocity, and questioning.  But I bring up this little flashpoint in the development of a young mind because I think it’s really relevant in the context of the Missouri Football team’s recent solidarity action.  After a string of racist incidents on campus, activist and graduate student Jonathan Butler and Student group, Concerned Student 1950, issued a list of demands that was glad-handed and dismissed by University President Mark Wolfe.  Subsequent to that dismissal, Butler went on a hunger strike, demanding Wolfe’s resignation; days later, the Missouri Football team declared their refusal to participate in all football activities until the hunger strike ended.  Since then Wolfe has resigned, talking heads have blathered, and the internet machine grinds out lowest-common-denominator opinion after opinion.  Opinions are only good if they’re supported by facts or books or things people have worked hard to know.

 

Jonathan Butler and his fellow protestors at the University of Missouri.

 

In spite of the complex nature of this story, and the crucial need for some sort of awareness of history to understand what has happened, the internet remains a fetid catchall for unaccountable opinion.  You see, as a social media participant, I get exposed to numerous slivers of ignorant malevolence, just like anyone else.  It is the precise opposite of my work: closed-minded, egocentric, and nasty.  So, rather than sort through such morass, let’s just settle for that straw man and allow me a few points:

 

  • It’s irrelevant whether you see how the events that led up to Missouri President Mark Wolfe’s resignation are connected. Millions of words have been written to explain things like capital-R “Racism” to white people. The information is available and easily accessible in the form of evidence, data, testimony, and art. At least try to learn from all that information.

 

  • If you hear the term “micro-aggression” and become incredulous because you think people shouldn’t “be so sensitive,” then it’s possible that you might just be misguided. If the term triggers jock-rage (or itch) because it contains the word “micro,” just call it “pervasive insidiousness.” Not as catchy, but fairly descriptive

.

  • Hey, remember Ferguson? Yeah, that’s 115 miles East on I-70 from Columbia, Missouri. That situation is not “over,” and that is inexorably tied to the hostile racial environment on campus that has repeatedly presented itself (and persists).

 

  • For anyone who would suggest “there is a way of doing things,” that should be quieter and more polite: maybe your way sucks? Since, you know, assertive self-advocacy was successful in this case.

 

  • Please refrain from pointing out that some Missouri players and coaches of color disagreed with the protest. Congratulations, you just realized that Black people are individuals who can disagree with one another, and just became a bit less racist. Keep working at it.

 

The Missouri football team gets back to work after their actions helped lead to the resignation of Mark Wolfe.

 

The conclusion here is simple: if you find yourself confused, angry, or skeptical about the intersection of race, college education, and athletics, your charge is to just try and be as inquisitive and open-minded as a high schooler.

 

 


ScoreBoredSports NFL Staff Picks: Week 6

Written by :
Published on : October 14, 2015

 

Thanks for reading ScoreBoredSports NFL Staff Picks: Week 6. So, one thing they don’t tell you when you begin the process of turning into a fifty-foot tall giant made of diamond, is how strongly such a transformation can affect those around you. For example, did you know that people sometimes resent perfect geniuses like myself who make incredibly insightful NFL picks each week? To quote SBS Co-Founder and bearded maniac, Bruno Tysh: “Why has God cursed me with such strength?”

 

This week, the SBS staff didn’t have our best showing, but we were still strong in making heady picks. Mike tied for the lead with that Bruno dude, and yours truly.  As unquestionable as my brilliant method is, the truth behind the veil is perhaps more deceptive than one might think.  Simply stated: my main strategy is to avoid feeling stupid after making a pick.  The best example of this I can think of came a few weeks ago, when the Texans played the Bucs. My logic in picking Houston? Boy, would I have felt like an idiot picking a rookie quarterback, who’s historically struggled against pressure, on the road, against the mythological creature known as J.J. Watt.  It doesn’t take a genius to make that pick, but it doesn’t hurt that I am one.

 

Week 6

Continue reading


2015-16 NHL Season Preview: Atlantic Division

Written by :
Published on : October 8, 2015

 

 

ScoreBoredSports brings you its final 2015-16 NHL Season Preview: the Atlantic Division. Thanks so much for reading, and we hope you’ll keep your brain-port hooked to our internet tube for more hockey coverage throughout the year!

 

A collection of teams moving in very different directions, the Atlantic Division reads fairly clearly, even through the Red-Wing-tinted glasses I can’t help but to wear. Stanley Cup aspirations persist in hockey notbed Tampa Bay, while rare talent Jack Eichel instantly elevates the expectations in Buffalo. Between Boston’s deceptive re-tool, Toronto’s complete upheaval, and Ottawa’s likely fall to earth, there’s plenty of room for stink potential, too. Oh, and I guess there’s another team in Florida for some reason. I think Jaromir Jagr, inventor of the printing press, plays there?

 

Pacific Div preview banner
Image by Roger Pretzel

Atlantic Division:

  • Bruins 
  • Sabres
  • Red Wings 
  • Panthers
  • Canadiens
  • Senators                            
  • Maple Leafs

 

 

Falling

Ottawa Senators:

The Sens might need big things from Anderson this year.

 

Some food for thought regarding Ottawa’s blazing-hot finish to the regular season: they tied for 5th-highest PDO in the league, a big albatross to wear for such an under-skilled team. Of the team’s 5 players to reach the 20-goal mark, 3 of them shot an unsustainably high percentage last season compared to the league average of about 9%: Mike Hoffman (27g, 13.4%), Mark Stone (26g, 16.6%) and Mika Zibanejad (20g, 13.3%). They also received the miraculous surprise of a bouncing baby goal keeper, sizzling hot out of the randomness oven. Unfortunately, Andrew Hammond hit his terrible twos pretty quickly and flickered out of the playoffs, and some keepers never survive past that stage. Luckily, the Senators still have dumpy old Craig Anderson, who has a great year every other year, though he sometimes loses track of which year is supposed to be which. They still have all the aforementioned young talent, which is significant, and that’s not even mentioning perennial All-Star Erik Karlsson. They carried some younger players that now face the ever-looming sophomore slump, which is always written off as a myth until it hits home. Curtis Lazar, Mark Stone, and Jean-Gabriel Pageau will all technically be entering their second full seasons, and there’s plenty of youth all over the roster that needs time to develop. The defense is shaky beyond Karlsson and Cody Ceci, who plays 20 minutes a game and looks to be the team’s hopeful replacement for Chris Phillips. The admixture of Anderson’s bobbing reliability, and the team’s unlikeliness to repeat their outstanding shooting percentages, leads me to believe that the Sens will fall out of the playoff picture altogether this year.

 

Rising

Boston Bruins:

Chara is a monster, and will need to play like it this season.

 

After a tough year in which some important players either stalled in their development (Reilly Smith), underperformed (Loui Eriksson), or became injured (Zdeno Chara), Boston is hoping a significant roster turnover can bring in some new blood; the future-forward acquisition of valuable draft picks has been balanced with incoming players like Matt Beleskey, Zac Rinaldo, Colin Miller, and Jimmy Hayes. This mild bunch comes at the cost of several key players such as the potential future anchor of their defense, Dougie Hamilton, and fan-favorite Power Forward, Milan Lucic. The hope is that one of Beleskey or Hayes can oaf it up in front of the net to sufficiently replace Dr. Lucic’s cerebral style of smashy-smashy. They’ve retained Claude Julien, one of the most accomplished coaches in the NHL; they’ve also still got Patrice Bergeron, one of the most complete players you’ll ever see. Bergeron is an absolute joy to watch, from the way he commands the face-off circle, to the way he always, head up, makes a patient play. I also see this as a potential rebound year for All-Star keeper Tukka Rask, who struggled at times with the defensive turmoil in front of him. The big, and I mean big, question is that of Zdeno Chara’s health. He’s currently listed as day-to-day, though that is obviously subject to change rapidly as the team will be cautious going into the season. Without big Z, Boston lacks the defensive depth to launch a meaningful challenge in the East. Contrary to most people’s projections, I believe the Bruins, with solid leadership and the luck of a little good health, will return to the playoffs this year — but it’ll be a thin line to tread unless more changes come.

 

Buffalo Sabres:

Jack Eichel looks like he could be one of the Sabres’ children.

 

The overhaul that Buffalo underwent in the off-season was transformative, no other way to say it. When I was watching action from the most recent World Junior Championships, it was actually Jack Eichel who stood out more than Connor McDavid at first, even when the U.S. team didn’t go as far as McDavid’s Canadian champs; then I saw some insane footage of McDavid showing otherworldly control and power in skating drills during the Oilers’ training camp, and I felt light-headed, so now I’m not so sure.  Regardless, Eichel is a major talent who is highly likely to be one of the best players in the NHL within five years.  They also have, by the way, last year’s second-overall pick Sam Reinhart, who led Canada to the WJC crown by tying McDavid and Max Domi for the lead in scoring.  That’s no joke. Add to that a ridiculous infusion of talent including versatile but troubled Center/Forward Ryan O’Reilly, promising winger Evander Kane, and potential star goaltender Robin Lehner, and you just have a different team from last year’s onslaught of awful.  Did I mention that all of these players are under 25?  The Sabres upgraded in other areas, too, adding Cup-winning coach Dan Bylsma, and taking a flyer on talented two-way defenseman Cody Franson.  The team also added the veteran David Legwand, who won’t break games but is a great role-model for young players andaslaslsgggggggg… shit, sorry… almost fell asleep there.  You get the idea.  Apart from David Blandwand, I am quite excited for this Buffalo team, as this is a good hockey community that has been thirsty for greatness since the day the Dominator left town.  The playoffs are not at all out of the question for this squad, though a lot of that will hinge upon the formation of a coherent defense, especially with the Grand Canyon-sized crater left behind by Tyler Myers. Luckily he wasn’t all that great, and Bylsma has the energy and credential to whip this inexperienced Sabres D into competence.  It looks like it will come down to a competition between the Bruins, Penguins, Sabres, and Blue Jackets for those final playoff spots in the Eastern Conference.

 

Detroit Red Wings:

19 year old Dylan Larkin could be the future in Hockeytown.

 

A new era begins in Detroit, with first-year coach Jeff Blashill looking to bring some energy and fresh looks to an always-good Red Wings team.  The problem in recent years is that that “always good” has come at the expense of “ever great,” as injuries (see: every Red Wing), odd contracts (Johan Franzen, Henrik Zetterberg, Jimmy Howard, “Diamond” Dan Cleary) and failed signings (RIP Stephen Weiss) have stunted opportunities for the Wings to break through.  As an aside, Wing-haters can delight in reading this article from the invaluable Winging It In Motown blog about the truly horrific contract situation of Captain Hank and Franzen, should either retire before fulfilling their contract.  And don’t even get me started on Dan Cleary, whose inconceivable presence on the Wings’ roster is only explicable through a tangle of Newfoundland mafia connections. Nonetheless, this year hope abounds, as Wings fans can finally admit to themselves that there’s always been some weirdness with the way departed, beloved, Cup-winning and hair-ever-swooping coach Mike Babcock used players.  Prime example: Jakub Kindl has actually always been very good, and his essential deletion from the Red Wings universe last year truly puzzled me, especially when he was being leap-frogged by guys like Brian Lashoff and Alexei Marchenko (who are fine in their own right, just not as groomed or effective).  So I’m looking forward to seeing Blashill’s take on the talent available.  That talent was significantly increased when GM Ken Holland signed Mike Green, a right-handed defenseman with blistering offensive skill, and Brad Richards, a two-time Cup winner, former Conn Smythe trophy winner, and one of my all-time favorite slowpoke badasses.  This team will continue to dominate possession numbers and show high shooting percentages with ridiculous talent like my best friend, father, and life coach, Pavel Datsyuk, as well as outstanding younger talent like Gus Nyquist and Tomas Tatar.  The Wings also have a potential rookie starlet in Dylan Larkin making the opening-night roster; the Wings haven’t had a teenager on their opening-night roster since Jiri Fischer in 1999.  His talent has been dynamic and impactful in training camp and the pre-season, so don’t count out that new blood making an impact. Larkin dominated for the US in those World Juniors, by the by, outclassing both Eichel and McDavid before the States petered out and McDavid had more games to rack up points.  Peter Mrazek represents a solid hope for the Wings future in net, but the real hope is that Jimmy Howard can live up to his weighty contract.  My prediction: Playoffs x 25.  Beyond that, I see a competitive second-round exit.  Or ten Stanley Cups — that’s what I meant.  Ten Cups, this year.

 

Contenders

Tampa Bay Lightning:

Ben Bishop and the Lightning look to be poised for greatness again this year.

 

It doesn’t take a lot to figure out why I’m predicting the Tampa Bay Lightning to win the Stanley Cup. With everything in place for another deep run, and the bitter taste of coming oh-so-close last year as a particularly powerful motivator, the Bolts look to be hockey’s most complete team. Starting with Steve Stamkos, the NHL’s archetypal sniper, the Lightning have elite talent at every position, and lots of it.  Victor Hedman has finally matured into a Norris-Trophy candidate, and is supported by a deep defense with the likes of Anton Stralman, Braydon Coburn, Jason Garrison, and Matt Carle all capable of contributing in meaningful ways.  Ben Bishop proved himself to be a fine backstop, and only looks to get better.  It’ll be interesting to see what kind of season Tyler Johnson has, who came from nowhere to become one of the NHL’s elite offensive players, this generation of Martin St. Louis for Lightning fans.  Jon Cooper has also acquitted himself nicely as a tactically astute coach that can find productive player combinations, evinced by the chemistry discovered between Johnson, Nikita Kucherov, and Ondrej Palat. This team has no significant weakness, and if anything, is looking at rebound seasons from the likes of Stamkos and Valteri Filppula, who mysteriously was minus-17 in spite of the Lightning being the NHL’s highest-scoring outfit last year. Let’s also remember that the 3rd overall pick from two years ago, Jonathan Drouin, may be ready to burst out in a big way. Things look to finally be lining up for Tampa’s second Stanley Cup run.

Look, sometimes these picks are fairly anticlimactic because the writing’s on the wall. As such, here’s an inappropriate GIF of Jaromir Jagr that I found on Reddit:

 

A Satisfied Legend

 

 

Other:

  • I kid about Florida, but I still don’t see them going anywhere after a stagnant off-season. The ageless Jagr will, of course, be good for 40-60 points, and 20-30 European models bedded; Roberto Luongo will likely be a consistent net presence as long as there are no serious stakes. The rest of the team’s outlook seems to hinge on player development, as their core of Alex Barkov, Jonathan Huberdeau, and, most importantly, Aaron Ekblad, will have to carry a larger load if this team wants to go forward. It’s clear that Ekblad is a star, but elevation is needed out of the other two as well as players like Nicklas Bjugstad, Vincent Trocheck, and Boston castoff Reilly Smith. Remember when Florida fans threw rats on the ice after a hat trick for some reason (because cats)?  Do they still do that?  Are there still Florida Panther fans even? Ah, stupid times.

 

  • Sorry to say it, but Montreal’s season really depends on Carey Price, who we know will be very good, but may have trouble replicating his MVP season from last year. His level of excellence will drive their team, though a very minor influx of speed and creative potential in players like Zack Kassian and Alex Semin, as well as the retention of Jeff Petry, offer potential relief for their offensive woes. More importantly, they have the game’s most exciting defenseman, P.K. Subban, who also became one of hockey’s foremost philanthropists after pledging to donate $10 million to a Montreal Children’s Hospital. I’m an unabashed fan of everything P.K.  He does things on the ice nobody else can, makes the game fun and thrilling, expresses himself in an interesting way (as opposed to most NHL players and their monotone cliché-bot routine), kisses Pierre Mcguire on live TV, I mean what more could you possibly want? I’m hoping Subban does something unthinkable like celebrate after a goal so the anything-but-level-headed Montreal media run him out of town, straight into the arms of the Red Wings. Yes, I may be having an Ambien hallucination right now, but this is why we all gathered at the Eiffel Tower today, isn’t it? N’est-ce pas, Henri?

 

Thanks again for reading, and come back to ScoreBoredSports for more of the internet’s most supple NHL coverage! 

 


2015-16 NHL Season Preview: Pacific Division

Written by :
Published on : October 6, 2015

 

 

Hot damn, thanks for reading ScoreBoredSports 2015-16 NHL Season Preview: Pacific Division edition. What a nice ride it’s been, but things are bound to get shakier. The Pacific division is one of the NHL’s strongest, or maybe, one of the weakest. It might be sending six teams to the playoffs, or two. Very hard to tell with so much movement going on in San Jose and Calgary, a new era in Edmonton, and the ever-burning question of why in the name of great Satan there is a hockey team in Arizona. But luckily, you have good old Antoine to guide you. Sure, I may be a handsome genius who has a great record making NFL picks, but hockey will set us all free. Let’s get started with the Pacific.

 

Pacific NHL
Image by Roger Pretzel

 

Pacific Division:

  • Ducks 
  • Coyotes
  • Flames 
  • Oilers 
  • Kings
  • Sharks 
  • Canucks

 

Falling

Vancouver Canucks:

Twinsies!

 

Another year goes by in the prime of the Sedin twins’ career, and they continue to produce at high levels.  Last year, Henrik set them up, and Daniel knocked them down, with the help of high-efficiency winger Radim Vrbata.  The Canucks will have to rely on an aging leadership core of the Sedins, Dan Hamhuis and Alex Edler (Edler is, in fact, only 29 but his output has diminished quite a bit since his heyday), and goaltender Ryan Miller.   There’s some good depth with forwards like Jannik Hansen and Chris Higgins, as well as offseason acquisitions Brandon Sutter and Brandon Prust.  It’s all a bit underwhelming, though, and the Canucks will have to rely on the ongoing development of Bo Horvat for that extra spark.  Yet there’s enough chemistry between the Sedin twins and Vrbata, a traditionally excellent player in possession, that they have a realistic shot of putting together solid offensive numbers with that supporting cast.  I see them coming into the playoffs at a lower seed than last year.  I remain cautious, however, about any team that pins its hopes on Ryan Miller to make a playoff run, when he’s really never been effective in the playoffs.  After the debacle with the Blues two seasons ago, and last season’s surprising upset at the hands of the Flames, I’m not any more confident in Miller’s resumé.

 

Falling OR RISING

Calgary Flames:

Flame on!

 

I want to feel really confident that this is a team destined for regression, that their run to the second round of the playoffs was a sign of things to come rather than a result of statistically anomalous excellence. They had the third-highest PDO number in the NHL last season, which is a red flag; they were poor in possession, with the fifth-worst team Corsi For percentage, and had the second-highest Team Shooting Percentage in the league. Jonas Hiller has had an up-and-down career, and the flames goaltending situation is tenuous past him, with Karri Ramo never really stepping out and distinguishing himself. All that said, I can’t help but take notice that they sustained much of their winning play last year without their best player and one of the best defenseman in the NHL, Mark Giordano. They have a deep defensive corps with the newly-signed Dougie Hamilton boosting their potential for developing into the NHL’s most elite defensive unit.  The flames relied heavily on their defense for offensive production, with players like TJ Brodie, Dennis Wideman, and Kris Russell each scoring on a regular basis, and Hamilton should comfortably join those ranks. I recognize that Johnny Gadreau may be in for a sophomore slump;  is it possible Johnny Hockey takes a leap instead of step backward? If his shooting percentage is any hint, the answer to that question will be “probably not”; at 14.4%, his shooting percentage was about 5% above the league average.  Here’s the thing: that slump just didn’t happen to Sean Monahan, the Flames’ top center, who nearly doubled the output from his rookie campaign with a strong, 31-goal season.  Perhaps they’ve found the right recipe for development in Calgary.  Or perhaps they found some good luck and took it to the second round of the playoffs. Or, moments before suiting up on opening night, the Flames players might all decide to abandon the game of hockey, and instead explore their masculinity together in a remote cabin in Manitoba for the next two years. Only the snow knows the answers.

 

Rising OR FALLING

San Jose Sharks:

Jawsome!

 

The second of two inscrutable teams in this division, the San Jose Sharks, are just as replete with uncertainty. Most pressing question: is new hire Peter Deboer even a good coach? He’s 217-200 in his career, and missed the playoffs in 6 out of 7 of his seasons at the helm of an NHL team in Florida, then New Jersey. The only time he made the playoffs, he took New Jersey on an improbable run to the finals, and lost. The second giant question mark is in net: is newcomer Martin Jones a starting NHL goalie? Some might become alarmed at the fact that Martin Jones’ career numbers may be buoyed by some artificial inflation, as he faced the fewest shots per 60 minutes in the league last year. Then again, the Sharks have a veteran defense with Brent Burns and Paul Martin, a shrewd summer signing, that may be able to aptly shield Jones and keep those shots on goal around 25 a game.

 

The third and final question is, perhaps, the funniest one: who is the Sharks’ captain? For those who don’t know, there’s been a years-long, buffoonish shadow-war being fought “behind the scenes” (yet, somehow, quite publicly) in San Jose between General Manager Doug Wilson and former Captain and All-Star, Joe Thornton. Essentially, Wilson implied (to the media) that Thornton couldn’t handle being in a leadership role, then went a whole year without naming a captain after demoting Thornton; old Joe finally told him (through the media) to shut his mouth and that he didn’t know what he was talking about. They still don’t have a captain.  In and of itself, that’s not so uncommon, but the way this has unfolded has just had a touch of Théâtre de l’Absurde.  It’s like if you had one of those scenes in a crime drama where the police captain tells the rogue detective, “turn in your badge and gun. You’re done in this department.” Then the detective complies, only he remains seated in the captain’s office for the next year, just staring, and that’s the rest of the movie.  At least the Sharks also picked up Joel Ward over the summer, who is a canny playoff scorer that can provide some physicality and timely finishing. Who knows with this team. 82-0.

 

Rising

Edmonton Oilers:

Cam Talbot doing work.

 

Easy enough, but drafting a generational talent like Connor McDavid with a first-overall pick will usually cause a team to rise. Combine that with new front-office blood in former Cup-winning architect of the Bruins, Peter Chiarelli, and new coach Todd Mclellan, and I see this team coalescing into a much more competent unit. On offense, it’s pretty straight-forward. They have tons of marquee talent after spending the last decade taking lottery picks in the draft, including last year’s 3rd overall pick, Center Leo Draisaitl. Now is the time for some of the stragglers among those picks to truly step up and become relevant players. This means Ryan Nugent-Hopkins will have to find that next level of consistency, and Nail Yakupov will have to take advantage of having the coolest first name in hockey. Question marks are, of course, all over this team, which has had one of the shakiest defenses in the NHL over the past few seasons. Edmonton’s faithful are hoping that Cam Talbot is the new answer in net after acquitting himself with high efficacy during his run filling in for Henrik Lundqvist in New York last year. If highly-touted pick Darnell Nurse can slot into the lineup as a reliable top-six defender, and summer signee Andrej Sekera provides consistency, their defense will hopefully take a step up. They have solid veterans in Mark Fayne and Andrew Ference, but have lacked defensemen with two-way effectiveness. With so many questions to ask, the key one remains: will the Oilers somehow find another way to screw this up? I don’t think that’s in this team’s future.  I see them contending for a playoff spot but coming up short in a respectable season that may just be a precursor to much bigger things.

 

Los Angeles Kings:

Hail to the king.

 

It’s hard to imagine a squad this laden with Stanley Cup-winning talent will remain outside of the playoff picture another year.  Belying their narrow miss, the Kings boasted the second-best Corsi For percentage in the NHL last year, but suffered from pretty bad puck luck with a PDO in the bottom 10 in the league.  The Kings used the off-season to jettison controversy in the form of Slava Voynov and Mike Richards, and hopefully the cloud won’t be hanging over that team’s head for much longer.  Questions remain on the contract of Anze Kopitar, but I’m not especially worried about that.  I bet they just want to see him work hard in a contract year after an uneven campaign last year, with his production taking a dip, scoring only 16 goals and 64 points, his fewest in a non-injured season since he was a rookie.  The Kings re-loaded with some interesting pieces in Milan Lucic, a cup winner himself in Boston, and Christian Erhoff.  Erhoff didn’t have a particularly productive campaign last year with the Penguins, but he’s looked sharp in the pre-season and seems to be able to fill a need for a second power-play unit anchor and a skilled third-pairing defender.  I’d also look for increased production from Tyler Toffoli, who looked commanding and lost at different times last year.  But with their top lines looking to be set, there’s some scary potential if Anze Kopitar can get back on track, and Marian Gaborik can stay healthy.  If it breaks right, they are a true dark-horse contender for a run to the Cup; until we see how the new pieces jell, it’s safe to say the Kings will be dangerous foes in the playoff race.

 

Contenders

Anaheim Ducks:

Quack, quack, quack!

 

Loaded roster.  High-caliber leaders that are willing to go the extra mile (and by “the extra mile,” obviously, we’re referring to heinous acts of goonery).  Middle-of-the-road team possession and PDO numbers, indicating there will be no obviously-indicated regression.  New assistant coaches with experience and talent.  That’s just a recipe for success.  However, there was also a lot of turnover, losing key players like François Beauchemin and Matt Beleskey.  Luckily key replacements are there to slot into the lineup, like Kevin Bieksa, who offers the same kind of stalwart leadership, grit, and timely offensive play as Beauchemin. Newcomers like former Michigan Wolverine Carl Hagelin and former Northern Michigan Wildcat Mike Santorelli offer potentially new and exciting looks as the team made a point to incorporate a ton of speed in the off-season.  Even in spite of such a roster shakeup, the core remains intact in proven Cup-winners Ryan Getzlaf and Corey Perry.  The goaltending situation seems to have settled with Fredrik Andersen taking the reigns and performing with enough confidence that young John Gibson will have time to develop his craft before taking over permanently.  Anton Khudobin provides an interesting safety net in the meantime should Fredrik Andersen falter, though Andersen was a steady performer last year.  They’ll need to figure out who will play on Perry’s opposite wing, but there are lots of options.  My bet is that Hagelin stands out and benefits from a supply of well-timed breakout passes from Getzlaf, streaking his way to a 30-goal year.  Theoretically, the last major hurdle was Chicago, a team significantly weakened by controversy and attrition, who would now have a tough time competing over 7 games with this Ducks team.  Pit them against any other team in the West, and I see them breaking through.  Without obvious weaknesses, and power and speed aplenty, I believe this Ducks team will get to the Stanley Cup Final, but ultimately won’t hoist the hardware after a competitive series.

 

Other Thoughts: 

  • Arizona Coyotes… give me a break.   Instead, here’s a snapshot of my screenplay “the Redemption of Quack City,” a sort of NHL fan-fic if you will.  Notes are welcome but PLEASE BE GENTLE.

INT. Day: Rinkside, Anaheim Ducks Practice Facility.

A hulking RYAN GETZLAF waddles on his skates, trying to get to the ice (Think: Taylor Kitsch / Josh Hartnett / an Unknown could work).  He looks up and sees that COREY PERRY (think JASON STATHAM) is in his way, but not wearing his PENDANT.  GETZLAF shoots  him a strong glance, but PERRY is focused on trying to get the door to the rink open with his gloves on.  GETZLAF approaches PERRY and confronts him by GRABBING HIS ARM.

Perry: 
Bro, Wha Fuck?

Getzlaf:
WHY YOU NO WEAR SHITHEAD PENDANT.  SHITHEAD PENDANT MAKE STRONG AND MAKE ENEMY WEAK.

Perry: 
OH I NO… I … fuck, I can’t do this, Ryan.  I’m a peaceful man. I can’t be taking cheap shots and making all these opportunistic, borderline hits.  I’m not that guy.

Getzlaf: 
BUT… NO… NO SHITHEAD?

Perry: 
No… let’s just try to win by playing hockey.

GETZLAF falls to knees and weeps. 

Getzlaf (screaming to heavens):
LAST SHITHEAD! NOOOOOOO!!!!!

[cut to black].

 

Stay tuned for the conclusion of ScoreBoredSports.com’s 2015-16 NHL Season Preview, coming soon on this very tube!  

 

 


2015-16 NHL Season Preview: Central Division

Written by :
Published on : October 3, 2015

 

Welcome to ScoreBoredSports.com’s 2015-16 NHL Season Preview for the Central Division. Early last year, people wondered whether or not the Central was a division that featured seven playoff-caliber teams. The defensive profligacy of the Stars, continued stagnation in Winnipeg, and a dismal Wild season only saved by the heroics of a castaway goaltender, destabilized that dream. This year, the division’s outlook is not as rosy, with the customary dismantling of the Championship Blackhawks underway, questions surrounding uneven rosters in Colorado, Winnipeg, and Dallas, and the all-important question of when Patrick Roy will finally kill a man on the ice by the sheer venom of his hubris.

 

 

central division
Image by Roger Pretzel

 

Central Division:

  • Blackhawks
  • Avalanche
  • Stars
  • Wild
  • Predators 
  • Blues 
  • Jets

 

Falling

 

Chicago Blackhawks:

Quenneville and Toews will need to do a lot to keep the Blackhawks contending this year.

 

Well, might as well get this out of the way: the Blackhawks will not be as good this year. As salary cap issues forced Stan Bowman and co. to dismantle this fantastic roster, so, too, did their Stanley Cup aspirations crumble. They’ve shed key championship pieces like Brad Richards, Johnny Oduya, Antoine Vermette, and Brandon Saad. Gone, too, are Kris Versteeg and Patrick Sharp, each of whom played valuable minutes in a spectrum of roles. More pressing is the cloud that looms over the season in the form of a sexual assault allegation against Patrick Kane. No matter the outcome, nor the increasingly troublesome nature of the case, this inexorably will affect the team’s ability to concentrate and focus on the games at hand, whether Kane is present or not. But if any team has the structure to withstand such turmoil, the stalwart Hawks are the squad to do it.  When a team is a dynasty on the level of these Hawks, every player tends to ooze leadership.  The overall fall from surefire contender to a low playoff seed is an easy fall to predict, but make no mistake: this team still features the game’s best defenseman in Duncan Keith, the game’s best leader in Jonathan Toews, and the game’s best coach in Joel Quenneville. They added players on the cheap that have good potential to be productive, such as Ryan Garbutt and Artem Anisimov, and Trevor Daley might slot into a second-pair defensive role quite nicely.   They are likely to make the playoffs, but fight for every inch along the way.  It’s an ever-crowding West, but the Hawks still have too much on their roster to be silent come playoff time.

 

Winnipeg Jets:

There’ll be a lot more of this from Pavelec and the Jets this year.

 

I’m mainly concerned that this team is what it is, which is not a contender — and stagnation kills in the NHL. Trading Evander Kane for Tyler Myers may have shielded the tender fans in Winnipeg from whatever hangups they had about Kane, but Myers looked uneven in the playoffs. I’m just not convinced he’s Chara 2.0, or ever will be. I can see the appeal of a towering defense featuring Dustin Byfuglien and Myers, with massive slap shots and punishing hits aplenty; but I can also see, just beyond the hulking giants, a terrible goalie in net. Ondrej Pavelec is not an NHL starter, but boy has he started a lot of NHL games. I know you might be thinking “but look at his numbers last year, they’re quite good!” Maybe, but he’s not. He will be bad this year, don’t trust this false hope of a 50-game blip. Pavelec will be bad again; Michael Hutchinson has offered tepid promise, but remains far from a proven commodity.  The team’s above-average PDO (tied for 8th in the league) also suggests that the returns their forward crop offer may too be diminishing. This is a team that performed above average and is unlikely to shoot or stop the puck that well again, plain and simple. Their off-season of doing essentially nothing but reintegrating 23 year-old KHL refugee, Alex Burmistrov and re-signing the aging but adequate, Drew Stafford is a paltry re-load for a team that didn’t look like much in the playoffs. They’ll need continued development from young Mark Scheifele after a promising first full NHL season last year, but even so, I don’t see it this year in Winnipeg.

 

Rising

 

Nashville Predators:

Colin Wilson and the team celebrate the fact that I know who he is now.

 

Here’s an interesting fact: Colin Wilson, Mike Fisher, and Craig Smith are different people. Who knew? In researching the Nashville Predators roster, I must have done at least three major spit-takes, ruining my wife’s computer (twice). Contrary to my initial impression, those aren’t randomly-generated white guy names; they are, apparently, all unique individuals that each score between 30-50 points a year, are usually good for around 20 goals, and can play multiple positions. That’s so incredibly useful now that Nashville has a first line of players to reliably score in Mike Ribeiro, James Neal, and breakout All-Star candidate, Filip Forsberg. This marks a potentially powerful triumvirate if Ribeiro can continue to provide steady distribution, Neal re-ignites his potent shot, and Forsberg continues to develop on his current track. Throw in useful players like Paul Gaustad and Eric Nystrom to provide spine and leadership, and a reclamation project in Cody Hodgson, and this team is balanced and versatile. Most importantly, take a look at that loaded defense. Remember top draft pick Seth Jones? Yeah, he’s still that good. Shea Weber trudges along mercilessly firing 20 goals in a year while bludgeoning everyone in his path. There’s all kinds of depth and skill in Ryan Ellis, Roman Josi, and newly-inbound veteran Barret Jackman, siphoned from a division rival, no less. Most importantly, Pekka Rinne is back and, barring another serious health condition like the one that robbed him of his 2014 season, should continue to be one of the game’s elite keepers. It says a lot that he was able to bounce back from that scary bacterial infection following hip surgery, and put up one of the best seasons of his career. Watch out for Stanley Cup-winning coach Peter Laviolette to harangue his way to some serious contention for home ice in the West.

 

Contender

 

St. Louis Blues:

Tarasenko re-signed to win some Stanley Cups and drink some beers…. And he’s all out of beer.

 

Will this be the year that Ken Hitchcock finally finds the right X’s and the perfect O’s for the perennially-underachieving Blues? Since he assumed the head coaching position in St. Louis, they have been consistently excellent in the regular season, finding enough firepower to accent a stalwart defense. Yet they’ve never been past the first round, and have foolishly ridden an ever-rotating goalie carousel toward soft playoff exits. Last year, they looked to be a powerful force against an inexperienced Wild team, yet squandered home ice in game five against a still-scorching Devan Dubnyk. Vladimir Tarasenko was about the only player who came out of the series looking good for the Blues.  This past summer didn’t spell doom, but rather, an ultimatum: last chance.

Looking at this year’s squad, there’s some potential for addition by subtraction in losing Barrett Jackman, as his off-season departure opens up space for younger players like Petteri Lindbohm and Robert Bortuzzo to step in and add a bit of pace in the back end. Other than that, they mainly added depth in Kyle Brodziak, and secured Vladimir Tarasenko for eight years.

This is a team that tended heavily toward defensive play last year, with a 49.5% ratio of offensive to defensive zone starts (essentially a composite of how and where each player on the team is deployed and used). This indicates that King Kenny’s attention to defense hasn’t fallen away like his career as a world-renowned breeder of exotic birds. And though it may not be true that Ken Hitchcock was ever a decorated breeder of tropical birds, doesn’t it feel like he should develop a passion outside of hockey? I just worry.

Anyway, in spite of the Blues’ craven history of disintegrating at crucial moments, the future looks just as bright as last year’s Division-winning team’s could have been. The aforementioned Tarasenko is the crown jewel in an offense laden with high-level two-way players like David Backes, and the newly-acquired Troy Brouwer, but it seems like they’ll need more pure offensive value out of Paul Stastny, who, on balance, had the worst season of his career in 2015. The Blues continue to have questions in their goalie rotation, with Brian Elliott losing favor to Jake Allen in the last third of the year and into the playoffs (until Allen turned in some poor performances of his own). Yet the answer doesn’t appear to be on the horizon, so the hope is that Elliott can regain his peak form and Allen can use his time as a backup to learn what it means to be a true NHL starter. With a loaded roster and a championship-winning coach, the sky isn’t even the limit; only the Blues can hold themselves back at this point.

 

Other Thoughts:

  • As much as I’d like to offer some insight into the Wild’s season, I feel like Devan Dubnyk’s incredible run in net last year disrupts my ability to really figure out what kind of team this is. Unfortunately, my highly sophisticated intuition tells me that it will be nearly impossible for Dubnyk to reproduce such a run.  However, late-career goaltending surges are not out of the question.  Dwayne Roloson, somehow, took a 2011 Lightning team to within a game of the Cup final at age 41; this came after an up-and-down career in which, excepting another strange run to the Cup final with Edmonton five years earlier, he never really established himself as a top-tier keeper.  Probable Ted Nugent disciple, Tim Thomas, burst out at age 33 from being a spotty starter to a four-time all-star, Stanley Cup, Vezina, and Conn Smythe winner.  So there’s some hope that Dubnyk, now 29, will take that seemingly random leap into excellence.  Smart money says that won’t be the case, and the Wild might re-discover some of their early-season malaise from 2014-15.  One thing I do know: Jason Zucker needs to pass the fucking rock.  Dude had 21 goals and 5 assists last year.  That’s like, Rick Nash-level selfish, bro.  I’M OPEN ON THE POINT, ASSHOLE.

 

  • Once again, Colorado boasted high puck luck with one of the NHL’s best PDO numbers, yet still managed to be a big mess.  A clue: the Avalanche had the league’s second-worst Corsi percentage, also known as Shot Attempts on NHL.com (the stat combines shots, shot attempts, and blocked shots, the idea is to measure how a player impacts the team’s ability to direct the puck at the other net).  But beyond any of the numbers, the Avs just sucked last year, so we can’t really say they’re falling.   Picking up veteran blueliner Francois Beauchemin should strengthen the hapless defense, and the addition of Blake Comeau, who had excellent possession numbers last year with a high personal Corsi percentage, should hopefully help in that department.  Ultimately, Patrick Roy is a an inflamed gonad and he will always be lesser than a Red Wing;  never forget 12/02/95, you Stanley Cup-winning chump!

 

  • Did you know that, according to the Weather Channel, it will be 86 degrees and partly cloudy in Dallas, Texas, on the opening night of hockey season??  I’m deeply tempted to leave my comments at that for the Stars, but they’ve done enough to at least intrigue me over the summer.  I don’t think they’re due for a significant push forward, nor a slump, but there’s potential for some impact with the summer acquisitions of skilled Cup-winners Patrick Sharp and Johnny Oduya, and former Cup-winner Antii Niemi in goal.  But each of those players is on the wrong side of thirty, and who knows how much is left in the tank.  The Stars again play it cavalier with a thin defense, especially after losing one of their few NHL-ready defenders in Trevor Daley in the trade for Patrick Sharp.  Under the guidance of their General Manager, former Detroit Red Wing head of scouting and all-around hockey savant, Jim Nill, the Stars strengthened their team through the middle last off-season, acquiring Jason Spezza as a formidable second-line pillar.  The problem is that they neglected to carry six viable NHL defenders, and the team looked ghastly out of the back last year, allowing 257 goals, good for 4th-worst in the NHL.  I don’t really see enough movement on this front to shift the terrain in any significant direction; the goaltending situation continues to compound the team’s defensive woes, now with two potentially over-the-hill Finnish keepers bringing great experience, but diminishing skills.  Even the strong development of promising rookie D-man John Klingberg would be insufficient cover for such a porous defense.  Yet, with the likes of Tyler Seguin and unlikely Art-Ross Trophy winner Jamie Benn, the team have an elite duo of firebrand offensive talent atop solid cast of top-six forwards.  The questions persist: can this Dallas team mature and take care of the puck in their own end? Does the combination of Kari Lehtonen and Niemi have enough in the tank to turn out wins with a shaky defense in front? Does the influx of former Chicago Blackhawk championship teammates create some sort of old-man spark?  Can you see the ice around my enormous cowboy hat made of beef jerky?

 

Stay tuned to your favorite internet tube for part 3, coming soon! 

 


2015-16 NHL Season Preview: Metropolitan Division

Written by :
Published on : September 27, 2015

 

 

Greetings, and welcome to ScoreBoredSports’ first annual NHL Season Preview. It’s an honor to be tapping out a few words on the state of mankind’s greatest game: hockey.

 

I wasn’t born on the banks of the St. Lawrence River, as the game itself was, but I am originally from the suburbs of Detroit (which is kind of close). I’m from a wintery land that sprawled across great distances of strip-mall flatness, but united under the banner of Hockeytown. So there is no need to mask this great love I have for the Detroit Red Wings, the most consistently excellent sports franchise of the last quarter-century.

That being said, I will either lay aside or lay bare my biases; it’s the game itself we love in the end anyway, dammit. So let’s break down this upcoming season, division-by-division. There will be a vague method to the madness. Important factors to consider will include roster movement, player development, goaltending, a glance at the advanced stats, and other observations.

 

*A quick note about those advanced metrics: I’m not an expert. I can barely count.  Yet I find many advanced metrics are useful, and quite reliable in predicting trends such as “regression towards the mean,” otherwise known as “not getting lucky all the time.” But context is vital. For example, some statistics, such as War-On-Ice’s Goalkeeper Adjusted Save Percentage, might suggest that Jonas Gustavsson (92.52) is a better goalie than two-time Stanley Cup champion Jonathan Quick (92.50).

 

GustavsonFail

 

Jonas Gustavsson is not a better goalie than Jonathan Quick. We know this because we have eyes (see above).  And brains, which we will never forget to use. Just look at how out of position he is on this play.

We’ll begin by discussing the Metropolitan Division, mainly so I get writing about Crosby out of the way as soon as possible, that knave.

 

NHLMetroPretzel
Image By Roger Pretzel

 

  • Hurricanes
  • Blue Jackets
  • Devils
  • Islanders
  • Rangers
  • Flyers
  • Penguins
  • Capitals

 

Rising

 

Blue Jackets:

Can Foligno repeat his all-star worthy 2014-15 campaign?

 

Interesting situation in Columbus, and no, I’m not talking about Ohio State graduates’ curious behavior of eating paste — Columbus is a team with some indicators for serious progress. Yet, as with anything that happens in Ohio, the franchise has a cyclical history of failure.  I’m always curious about players that possess the puck as well as Brandon Saad, a recent outcast of Joel Quenneville’s Blackhawk dynasty that emphasizes speed and puck control (I liked Coach Q better when he was choking against Scotty Bowman every year, for the record). Their overall team PDO — combination of shooting percentage and save percentage, and frequently-reliable indicator of luck — was below average last year. With the inclusion of a player like Saad, perhaps the team will find a more potent and fluid offensive game, and maybe more puck luck.

The major question is whether Nick Foligno can sustain the kind of offensive production we saw last year in his breakout campaign, and what kind of progress is made in the defensive corps. Jack Johnson never turned out to be a world-beater, but he’s a competent first-pairing defenseman, and David Savard looked to be able to put up numbers, scoring 11 goals and racking up 105 hits on the year. Beyond those two, Fedor Tyutin hasn’t played a full season since 2011, and there’s not much else to speak of in terms of talent. The cupboard is fairly barren in the organization’s depth, too. There may be some room to sneak into the playoffs in the Eastern conference, as Ottawa is unlikely to repeat their miracle run another year, Boston has molted, and questions abound in Pittsburgh.  Yet another riser in the Buffalo Sabres may present new challenges.  I see this team rising, but only enough to squeak into the playoffs and likely lose to whoever they face in the first round.

 

Islanders:

The Islanders have a stable of young talent, including the electrifying, Jonathan Tavares

 

Speaking of underlying advanced metrics, it surprised me greatly to discover that the Islanders, a playoff team that narrowly missed a second-round berth, tied for the sixth-worst PDO number in the NHL last season. The logic follows in some senses, as many of the Isles key skill players were injured for stretches, and a lot of highly-skilled but inexperienced youth, such as Brock Nelson and Ryan Strome, played heavy minutes. But there’s no real evidence that shooting percentage increases with age, and those kids made the playoffs! Look at Halak’s save percentage, too: it checks in at a reasonable .914 in a highly successful, 38-win campaign. This tells me that with a healthier stable of elite skill players (Okposo, Leddy, Boychuk), this is a team poised for continued excellence.

Looking at the roster, nearly every important player on the team is around 25 years old, including perennial Hart Trophy candidate Jonathan Tavares. Add the recently signed, offensively-gifted octogenarian Marek Zidlicky, and you have an experienced and versatile defensive corps.  Depending on their progress, the inclusion of high-level talent from the team’s development system may provide that extra spark in a tight playoff series.  First-round draft prospects such as Josh Ho-Sang, Michael Dal Colle, and goal-scoring D-man Ryan Pulock (who led the Isles AHL affiliate defenders in scoring despite missing a quarter of the season) have all sorts of talent, but may have trouble breaking into a deep lineup.   I’d dare even call them… Contenders?

 

Contenders

 

Rangers:

Rick Nash. Talk about punchable faces.

 

Until the day he’s not, Henrik Lundqvist is the handsomest most charmingly reminiscent of a younger Bradley Cooper is a reliably brilliant net minder. Only recently has the question of his health, with a scary throat injury, come to the fore. But if he’s healthy, this team looks like it could return to the top echelon of the Eastern conference yet again. There’s room to grow in their possession numbers; I wonder what sort of effect the transition from former coach John Tortorella’s block-everything mentality to Alain Vigneault speed-oriented breakout game has had on the team’s mediocre team Corsi figure. The most interesting layer may be if Keith “the Candle” Yandle will start to affect what was a surprisingly lackluster power-play last year, which connected on only 16.8% of its opportunities (good for 21st in the NHL). The team will conversely have to cope with the loss of tiny legend Martin St. Louis, whose salt & pepper wisdom was surely a locker-room boon. Yet there’s enough young or emerging talent across the team boasting speed and skill, like Jesper Fast, Chris Kreider, Kevin Hayes, and the surging Derrick Brassard, that the loss may prove to be addition by subtraction. Otherwise, this is a team with an elite defensive corps and my least favorite NHL player, Rick Nash.

 

Capitals:

I see more celebrations in Ovechkin’s future.

 

They continue to add talent to a roster that was already full of high-level talent. Losing Mike Green won’t hurt so much in a Barry Trotz system that emphasizes responsibility, defense, studious back checking, and fiscal planning. Bringing on Justin Williams to replace their own playoff producer, Joel Ward, is a smart move at a relatively low cost, even though we all know Williams won’t be scoring 30 goals during the regular season. This is still a team with Alex Ovechkin, Braden Holtby, and a top-flight defensive crew, with tremendous younger talent in players like Johansson, Kuznetsov, and Burakowsky. My one sticking point with this team’s summer is the trading of Troy Brouwer for TJ Oshie, which I found to be un-needed as Brouwer seems as likely to plop in 20 goals as Oshie, only he brings hits and plays more games. Nonetheless, Trotz is a good coach and I could see this being the year he sneaks into the finals.

 

Other Thoughts:

  • Sidney Crosby is the best hockey player in the world, I understand. But is there any more sniveling, dirty, hot-headed star in recent memory? Sure, he’s the best player, but how can you root for Crosby? He routinely slashes his opponents on weak spots like ankles, wrists, and crotches. He loves to face-wash opposing players, even tough guys, as if anyone in the NHL wants to be the guy that turned the Face Of The League into a pile of quivering viscera, snot, and tears. Crosby knows this, yet he dangles his untouchability in front of everyone, flaunting the fact that his brain is probably one jolt away from retirement in front of dudes who would relish the chance to pummel him. So, you can’t touch the league’s proverbial money-maker, even as it shakes in your personal space. It makes me hugely hopeful for the success of Connor McDavid; that, Lord Stanley willing, he turns out to be less of an arrogant penis.
  • I do wonder what will happen with the pairing of Crosby and Kessel in terms of interviews and TV presence. It already sounds like the most unwatchable buddy sitcom pairing, but I just feel for the people of Pittsburgh’s overall entertainment quotient. My advice? Just mute the games and watch the hockey, because it may be very fast and full of a lot of goals, but not charisma.  I’m sure they’ll survive.
  • The growth of Philly’s first line over the last few years would be more pleasurable to watch if the Flyers weren’t an evil organization of haggard witch-trolls. But I can’t help but glance at the foundation of Giroux and Voracek as championship-caliber. Giroux is easily one of the five best all-around players in the league, and Voracek has improved every single year, and is young enough to continue that pattern.  Wayne Simmonds is a wrecking ball that just happens to wreck up the other team’s plans for a shutout about thirty times every year.  Can anyone else step up to fill in the secondary scoring roles on a consistent basis?  The defense, while brimming with burly players, seems to have an odd fulcrum in Michael Del Zotto.  He had a decent year in 2015, and is still only 25 despite being in the league for a while.  Might he be an unlikely candidate to rise?
  • The New Jersey Devils and The Carolina Hurricanes are NHL hockey teams featuring some players. Corey Schneider is a very good goalie.  They are neither rising nor falling, because they were and are bad.  That’s about it.

 

Stay Tuned for Part 2, Coming Soon! 

 

Stats and info courtesy of NHL.com, hockeysfuture.com, rotoworld.com, and war-on-ice.com.

 

 


Open Letter to Eva Carneiro and Arsenal

Written by :
Published on : August 13, 2015

 

 

Dr. Carneiro, et al —

 

My name is Antoine. I live in America, and, according to my Facebook, I’m the Chief Technology Officer at Unemployed. I also write for this website, at times. Throughout my long and industrious career, my “bread and butter” has been seeing connections where others don’t see them. Of course, this has led me down enough rabbit holes that I have learned to see the limitations, as well. Not everything is tied together with an invisible string.  But when a connection screams to me as loudly as this, I must take to the mountain tops, or at least to the internet. It is so clear to me now.

 

After learning about this first Premier League controversy of 2015-16, I’ve solved a grim dilemma.  Dr. Eva Carneiro should work for Arsenal.

 

Eva Carneiro

 

Dr. Carneiro is a brilliant and accomplished physician with an excellent track record of keeping players healthy and on the pitch. For example, in 2013-14, while she was a first-team doctor during José Mourinho’s return campaign, Chelsea posted the second fewest days lost to injury, at 556. Only Stoke City lost fewer days to injury, with 555 (stats courtesy of physioroom.com).

 

In contrast, Arsenal have long been the poster children for fragility in the Premier League. Some injuries have been tragic, such as Aaron Ramsey’s broken leg; some have been absurd in their repetitiveness (see: Diaby, Abou; Wilshere, Jack; van Persie, Robin; Rosicky, Tomas). The preceding list is so long and easy to recount that it leaves me flabbergasted.

 

The Gunners have been in poor health, and they need a better doctor. I know, sure, they hired former German National Team trainer Shad Forsythe only a year ago. But if Jack Wilshere or Mathieu Debuchy’s entire lower halves have anything to say about it, I remain skeptical. Dr. Carneiro joining Arsenal’s staff as a first-team physio is written in the stars. There’s no need to sell Eva on the new locale — she already works in London! As far the working environment, well, let’s just say Arsène Wenger is clearly not Mourinho. For one, I know for a fact that Wenger doesn’t demand daily bowel movement reports, as I’ve heard rumors that José may or may not require of all his staff.

 

Jose Mourinho

 

More fundamentally, Arsène does not suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is a Cluster-B personality organization that stems from central ego deficits. He won’t harangue you in front of the media for doing your job, and then ostensibly demote you (in spite of the fact that the physio’s job is apparently an impossible balancing act of knowing when your asshole players are faking it, having the full tactical acumen of a coach to know when exactly to ignore a potentially injured player, and then also deciding to not do your job sometimes).

 

Go to the Emirates, Dr. Carneiro. You’ve been treated in a ghastly manner, and surely the Gunners hierarchy could find a place for a mistreated yet excellent staff member.

 

By the way, does anyone reading remember the number of days lost to injury for Arsenal in 2014? 1,716. Yes, that’s well over three times that of Chelsea’s.

 

Good luck to all parties this year!

 

Sincerely,

— Antoine Poutine.

 


Support Us
Support ScoreBoredSports on patreon!

patreon-medium-button
Sponsors

Hide Error message here!

Forgot your password?

Error message here!

Error message here!

Hide Error message here!

Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link to create a new password.

Error message here!

Back to log-in

Close